To be cross with friend for making my DS cry?

[revealall]

So it's my birthday at the end of the week. I am a single parent with DS in year 5. I have plenty of family,friends and work colleagues to celebrate with and it's not a "big" birthday.

The friend in question is a bit controlling but means well and has a DS in the year below. Before Christmas (every year) she offers to take my son out shopping so he can buy me a present. Every year I say no as my son has never brought up the subject of shopping and I would rather have the home or school offerings he brings me.

Today she asks if my DS wants a playdate with her DS. I say yes and when I pick him up there is a gift bag and lots of theatrical winking and shushing. DS later proudly says that he has a surprise for my birthday.

Cut to bedtime and after going up to clean his teeth, I find DS in bed in floods of tears. He doesn't want to tell me why. He eventually tells me that I already have the present he brought and that I don't even like it because it hasn't been used. I look in the bathroom and sure enough there is one of those 3 for 2 Boots bath sets of a brand I don't really like. Guess what...it's exactly the one the friend in question brought me for Christmas.

What do I do? I feel bad for DS as he wanted to buy me something special from him. He said the friend said I like the brand but apart from a polite "thank you" I have never said I like it (because I don't).Despite saying how nice bath stuff is to have, he isn't stupid.He knows I haven't used the first one for a reason.I'm very cross with friend for causing this situation.I have always said I don't want brought stuff from DS and then she makes him buy me the same thing she got me? Should I be cross or am I ungrateful?

[Bowlersarm]

YABU.

Your friend was trying to be nice........you are not.

(And 10 is quite old for your DS to be so upset)

Why didn't you just make him feel good about himself, tell him that you loved the first present, and now you have two you don't need to save it 'for best'.

Give it surreptitiously away if you have to, but don't let on to him or your friend that you are so unreasonably upset.

[pigletmania]

Oh my goodness what miserable sour faced lot on here, the friend was trying to be nice, thinking of the op, she got it a bit wrong. The nastiness directed at the friend is horribal, I am glad I don't have friends like that. In RL we would have reassured ds that it was lovely and to be saved for a special occasion, and let it go. A friendship is not worth this, such a minor incident in the grand scheme of things!

[Beeyump]

CailinDana Jings me. I'd hardly describe this situation as 'horrible' or 'bullying'.

[JimmyChooChoo]

Piglet- completely agree with that. How lucky is OP to have a friend like that? Bless her friend for thinking about her and caring enough to take OPs son shopping to get her something.

I think it's very sad that the OP feels that her friend made her son cry. She could have easily smiled and said to her DS that the gift was lovely.

Can't quite believe the other posters on here. I'm hoping her friend doesn't bother again really. She was being lovely and look at the 'appreciation' she gets.

OP you are unreasonable and spoilt.

[FryOneFatManic]

OP YANBU. I think the friend has been thoughtless, and interfering. You have an arrangement with your DS that has suited until now, and I bet the friend has been bigging the present up to your DS.

And it's a duplicate. She can't even remember what she gave you a short while ago. No wonder your DS was upset.

I think you might want to consider that now your DS has been taken shopping by someone who clearly has a materialistic attitude (by overriding your wishes about handmade stuff), your DS may now feel that a handmade card won't cut it any longer. I think a chat with him may help.

[pigletmania]

I agree jimmy way ott reaction on here, the friend thought she was doing something nice, obviously not!

[pigletmania]

Fry has highlighted my points well, geese she is not interfering and thoughtless, how was the friend to know op 10 year old ds would be in tears. I bed she would be horrified if she read this really sad thread!

[CailinDana]

It's hard to describe. From the outside it looks like lovely considerate but thoughtless behaviour. From the inside it feels deliberate and nasty. It's a total headfuck.

[natwebb79]

Sorry I'll go against the grain and say that if she doesn't listen to you when you say "no thank you" clearly more than once to something and does it any way, that she's being very annoying. Whether she means well or not, I really don't have patience for people who don't listen. If I went against a friend who had told me 'no' and just did it anyway I'd expect them to be pissed off.

[natwebb79]

Oh blimey - only read page 1. Really should read the whole thread...

[JimmyChooChoo]

'It feels deliberate and nasty. A total head fuck'

What?

Also why would a ten year old boy know it was the same gift?? My eldest doesn't know the difference between a 99p shower gel and my lovely neals yard stuff actually my 42 year husband wouldn't even notice (or care)

Maybe your friend wanted to get you another set because she thinks you'll like it so much and what a treat it will be to a second set ?!

Where is there any harm in being kind and thoughtful ?

Personally I think a few people need to learn how to get some gratitude in their life.

[pianodoodle]

Wow it was a nice gesture from your friend probably not about the actual gift itself but wanting you to have something from your son.

If her partner buys her a present from her children she maybe feels you're missing out and wanted to do something nice.

The fact that it's something you already have is neither here nor there really.

[CailinDana]

Jimmy the OP specifically said she didn't want her son to buy her a gift. Why was it ok for the friend to just ignore that?

[Beeyump]

But the son was quite excited and happy at one point? So it's not as if the friend was ignoring a request which put him in danger or something. I just don't see it as something to get that upset about!

[CocktailQueen]

This: What you do is tell your DS that you were saving it for best because its your absolute favourite and you are so delighted because now you can use it all the time. The you use it. And you probably get it for the next three years too.

Tel him that you don't mind - in fact you like - having the same present twice, because it will last for longer.

[JimmyChooChoo]

Caitlin- because maybe she said it because she was being modest/not to seem to make a fuss

For heavens sake she hardly kidnapped her son
She took him to a shop to buy his mother a present

Where is the harm in that? And I believe the only reason the ten year old son got upset is because OP told him she didn't like the original present - how on EARTH would a ten year old guess that?!

[mercibucket]

10 is also a difficult age for crafts

old enough to see their efforts do not look how they wanted them too

too young to have the skills to produce what they want

about the age those lacking in artistic talent are embarrassed by what they make

it is perfectly normal at this age for another adult (usually partner or grandparent) to help the child buy what they want to get

I think suggesting you both take it back and swap it is a sad thing to do to a child's gift

[Ilovexmastime]

I can see why you're irritated, but I still think you're being ungrateful. Your son obviously chose the gift himself and was happy to do so, as you said that he was very proud when they came home with it. Your friend knew that you'd already got one, but didn't want to burst his bubble after he chose it and probably thought that you wouldn't mind having two sets of the same thing, especially as your DS had chosen it himself.

I'm at a loss to understand why he thought that you didn't like it just because it is still unopened 3 weeks after Christmas though. All the bath sets we received this Christmas are sitting in the bathroom unopened because I haven't needed to open them yet because I'm finishing off the stuff that was open before Christmas. Why was he so convinced that you didn't like it?

[BornToFolk]

The OP didn't tell her son she already had it/didn't like it. He saw the original gift in the bathroom and was upset before she'd even spoken to him.
The friend asked if she could take DS shopping, OP said no, friend did it anyway cos she decided she knew better, resulting in OP's son being upset and OP being pissed off. I'd be very annoyed if a friend ignore my explicit request like that.

[CailinDana]

Jimmy - out of interest. I don't do santa but my "friend" decided to write a letter to santa with my DS. I was seriously annoyed. How would you feel in my shoes?

[JimmyChooChoo]

Born- if anything surely if the ten year old saw the same gift set in the bathroom then he'd probably be made up knowing he chose well and chose something he thinks she likes ?!

[BornToFolk]

Well, he blatantly wasn't "made up" was he Jimmy? He was upset as he'd got the OP something she already had. Hence the point of the OP.

[JimmyChooChoo]

Cailin - cant answer unless you explain what you mean by 'you don't do Santa'

[Bowlersarm]

Cailin that's a different situation. Santa isn't real. The ops birthday is real.

[JimmyChooChoo]

Born- she should have told him that she loved the present and how lucky she was to have two of the same gifts! Isn't that what you would have done