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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be cross with friend for making my DS cry?

229 replies

revealall · 13/01/2014 22:52

So it's my birthday at the end of the week. I am a single parent with DS in year 5. I have plenty of family,friends and work colleagues to celebrate with and it's not a "big" birthday.

The friend in question is a bit controlling but means well and has a DS in the year below. Before Christmas (every year) she offers to take my son out shopping so he can buy me a present. Every year I say no as my son has never brought up the subject of shopping and I would rather have the home or school offerings he brings me.

Today she asks if my DS wants a playdate with her DS. I say yes and when I pick him up there is a gift bag and lots of theatrical winking and shushing. DS later proudly says that he has a surprise for my birthday.

Cut to bedtime and after going up to clean his teeth, I find DS in bed in floods of tears. He doesn't want to tell me why. He eventually tells me that I already have the present he brought and that I don't even like it because it hasn't been used. I look in the bathroom and sure enough there is one of those 3 for 2 Boots bath sets of a brand I don't really like. Guess what...it's exactly the one the friend in question brought me for Christmas.

What do I do? I feel bad for DS as he wanted to buy me something special from him. He said the friend said I like the brand but apart from a polite "thank you" I have never said I like it (because I don't).Despite saying how nice bath stuff is to have, he isn't stupid.He knows I haven't used the first one for a reason.I'm very cross with friend for causing this situation.I have always said I don't want brought stuff from DS and then she makes him buy me the same thing she got me? Should I be cross or am I ungrateful?

OP posts:
trufflesnuffler · 13/01/2014 23:30

Your friend is a evil cunt. She spent hours thinking of this devious plan to sabotage your boys happiness. Only one thing for it OP, revenge. I would call social services and tell them. Or report to the police. You can't let this go.

Oh wait, you can.

DriftingNameChanger · 13/01/2014 23:30

I think you have a very thoughtful friend and a very caring son.

Even though its not your ideal gift I think you need to say thank you and act pleased.

coco44 · 13/01/2014 23:32

So you say to your DS.Of course I like it! I love it so much that I was only going to use it on special occasions to make it last, but now that I have 2 I can use it as often as I like!
You really are ungrateful, It wasn't your friend who made your DS cry, it was you and your attitude!

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 13/01/2014 23:33

At the very least, she should have known you already had such a set as she gave it to you and, therefore, was thoughtless to "help" your son get the same. Tbh, I think she did this to feel good about herself. I feel rotten for your son.

jacks365 · 13/01/2014 23:35

YANBU. Is it really helpful or kind to go ahead and do something you've been asked not to? The boy knew his mum didn't like it and the fact it was still got means his objections were also over ruled, is that the action of a kind and considerate friend?

Frostyfoxy · 13/01/2014 23:36

Do you know she chose the gift for you? Perhaps your ds chose it and she didn't want to upset him by saying "no don't get that". He then saw the unopened gift and got upset he'd chosen the wrong thing.

I would, as others have said, just make up a story about why it's not been used yet but you think his gift is great. And leave it at that.

Devora · 13/01/2014 23:37

I've given someone the same present twice. I thought it was a good idea first time, then a year later had forgotten about it and something lodged in my memory triggered me thinking again, "ooh, that's a good idea..."

It's really easy to do. I very much doubt she did it on purpose. I'm sorry your son is upset but you know, he could have done this all by himself (chose it and then saw you already had it). A reminder to you to start working up your stock of charming phrases you trot out to stop your kids getting gutted when they give you hideous Christmas gifts. You've still got a few of those to come.

AwfulMaureen · 13/01/2014 23:38

I think she sounds like a pushy sod. HOwever...when he was crying you should have said you DO like the brand...you like it so much you were saving it for a special occasion!

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 13/01/2014 23:38

I'd feel the same as you OP.

JohnnyBarthes · 13/01/2014 23:39

Good grief. You just bloody lie!

Bathrooms the country over are filled with unused gift sets - maybe because the recipient isn't keen or more likely, Christmas was only a few weeks ago and there's only so much shower gel one person can reasonably get through.

Your poor son.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 13/01/2014 23:40

Yoy sound like an ungrateful brat......anyone else would pretend they love the stuff and either use it or let them think you are.

hmc · 13/01/2014 23:40

Agree with Beeyump - your friend did not make your ds cry. I have one myself (9 year old ds), he is adorable but gets worked up and upset over irrational stuff (it usually turns out to be a proxy for what is really upsetting him)

It doesn't seem as if you like your friend a great deal - perhaps cool the friendship?

gobbynorthernbird · 13/01/2014 23:44

Given how upset your son is, and how proud he was to give you the present, maybe he has actually instigated this. Is it possible that when your friend has asked previously she has been doing so on DS behalf?

SavoyCabbage · 13/01/2014 23:44

I don't think your friend has made your son cry. At all. I think she is trying to be nice.

Our school sells a load or daft stuff before Mother's Day and Father's Day and dh and I have to ooooohhhhh about it. It's never anything you actually want.

steff13 · 13/01/2014 23:48

If it were my son, I'd tell him I actually love the set, but didn't want to use it except for special occasions. Now that I have two, I can use it more frequently. And then I would use it. Even if it stinks. Your friend didn't make him cry, his interpretation that you hate his gift made him cry. You need to correct that interpretation.

It sounds to me like your friend's heart is in the right place.

Original poster
revealall · 13/01/2014 23:50

coco44 -I didn't even know what he was crying about to start with.

And everyone -I haven't mentioned what I said to him afterwards either.

He wasn't expected to get me a present at all. I have always only ever asked for a handmade card to keep. I wouldn't have cared at all if the friend had got me the gift twice. (She is projecting her own needs - she always gets her mother to take her DS out present buying (and tells her what to get him to buy).

It's only that my son is bitterly disappointed with his choice of present.

OP posts:
BeaLola · 13/01/2014 23:50

She was being nice. He was being thoughtful. He is a child. So what if you dont like the brand .... You fib. My DS is 6 , the other day he gave me a present of a nerf gun wrapped up .... His favourite toy....I was so appreciative he is probably going to tell my DH that is what I would like for my next birthday. LIVE with it and be thankful your friend took time out to do something nice for you.

IneedAsockamnesty · 13/01/2014 23:53

It's only that my son is bitterly disappointed with his choice of present

If you did not fix this then you dropped the ball,not your friend

Original poster
revealall · 13/01/2014 23:53

steff13 - HE WAS CRYING BEFORE I KNEW IT WAS ABOUT THE PRESENT.

He's 10. He wouldn't want the same birthday gift twice. He didn't want me to have the same present twice. Especially when his was given second.

OP posts:
steff13 · 13/01/2014 23:54

He's only disappointed because he thinks you're disappointed. If he thinks you love it, I'm sure he will be pleased with himself.

foslady · 13/01/2014 23:55

Why not just give your son £5 and ask her to take him shopping for a present telling them BOTH but separately (drop hints to your son so he thinks he's picked up on something special) that you would really like -some fluffy socks/new book you've seen/a special mug just for you - cheap, cheerful and he WILL feel great because he picked up (maybe with a bit of guidance) on what YOU wanted.

Worked/works in this house.........

hmc · 13/01/2014 23:56

Revealall - don't want to be harsh and I hate it when threads turn too much and OP gets a hammering....but...but (this is well meaning - honestly) - you need to teach your son a sense of perspective. Tell him it doesn't matter - that you are delighted that he and your friend took the time and trouble to seek out a present for you, irrespective of what they chose! It's the thought that counts (with no apology for the platitude).

steff13 · 13/01/2014 23:58

steff13 - HE WAS CRYING BEFORE I KNEW IT WAS ABOUT THE PRESENT.

I REALIZE THAT! WHY ARE WE SHOUTING? He saw the other set in the bathroom and interpreted that you hated it, and therefore you hated his gift as well. That's not contingent on you knowing whether he was crying, is it?

elQuintoConyo · 14/01/2014 00:00

I'm with you on this, OP.
Yes, your friend did try to do something nice, but completely against your wishes. I'm sure the last thing she wanted was to make your DS cry, but her pretty thoughtless gift did.
Try to make light of it with your ds and just move on, don't mention it to.your friend, ever.
Chin up!

winterkills · 14/01/2014 00:00

YANBU, she has imposed her own values about present buying on you and your ds (maybe you weren't clear enough when you turned her down before?)

Try to minimise it with your ds though - his reaction sounds a bit extreme. Maybe help him to make you a cake or something so that he can feel he has done something special for you.

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