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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be cross with friend for making my DS cry?

229 replies

revealall · 13/01/2014 22:52

So it's my birthday at the end of the week. I am a single parent with DS in year 5. I have plenty of family,friends and work colleagues to celebrate with and it's not a "big" birthday.

The friend in question is a bit controlling but means well and has a DS in the year below. Before Christmas (every year) she offers to take my son out shopping so he can buy me a present. Every year I say no as my son has never brought up the subject of shopping and I would rather have the home or school offerings he brings me.

Today she asks if my DS wants a playdate with her DS. I say yes and when I pick him up there is a gift bag and lots of theatrical winking and shushing. DS later proudly says that he has a surprise for my birthday.

Cut to bedtime and after going up to clean his teeth, I find DS in bed in floods of tears. He doesn't want to tell me why. He eventually tells me that I already have the present he brought and that I don't even like it because it hasn't been used. I look in the bathroom and sure enough there is one of those 3 for 2 Boots bath sets of a brand I don't really like. Guess what...it's exactly the one the friend in question brought me for Christmas.

What do I do? I feel bad for DS as he wanted to buy me something special from him. He said the friend said I like the brand but apart from a polite "thank you" I have never said I like it (because I don't).Despite saying how nice bath stuff is to have, he isn't stupid.He knows I haven't used the first one for a reason.I'm very cross with friend for causing this situation.I have always said I don't want brought stuff from DS and then she makes him buy me the same thing she got me? Should I be cross or am I ungrateful?

OP posts:
WinterHasRuinedMyFace · 14/01/2014 08:28

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd be annoyed at being given the free gift from Boots once, let alone twice.

Your son seems v sweet, give him a big hug and tell him that things he makes you mean the world to you and anything extra is a bonus.

tarantula · 14/01/2014 08:40

YANBU at all. Friend may be kind (by her own standards) but she is not considerate of either you or your son. In her opinion it seems that homemade presents are not good enough (even though you prefer them) and she is trying to force this opinion onto both you and your son. I'd be pissed off if someone tried this with my daughter and I know she would get upset too if forced into this situation.

pigletmania · 14/01/2014 08:45

Poor friend, can't do any right. She probably forgot what she got you for Christmas! You could have told ds that you are saving it for a special occasion. I don't think it will happen next year!

notso · 14/01/2014 08:46

I think the fact the friend either can't remember what gift she gave someone less than a month ago or thinks it's ok to buy someone the same crappy gift set but half price says a lot about her attitude to presents.

I would imagine she thinks you are just saying no to be polite. It is a shame that if she had picked any other gift set your son would have been really happy.
I wonder if OP, your sons reaction was because even though you haven't wanted him to buy you a present, he has wanted to buy you something and hasn't been able to.

limitedperiodonly · 14/01/2014 09:19

My mum had your attitude OP. She didn't want me to waste my birthday money on pointless presents for her.

She'd have been even more annoyed if it was from money she'd given me for sweets and I'd squirrelled away rather than giving her the change.

She told me not to and I didn't, no matter how much pressure I got from friends telling me that my mum wanted a present really and I didn't love her if I didn't buy her some lavender bath cubes.

So tell your son to dry his eyes and ignore well-meaning friends.

Because your friend is well-meaning. She just likes receiving tat so thinks everyone else does too.

limitedperiodonly · 14/01/2014 09:21

And seeing as it appears to be your friend's money that was spent I'd just say: 'Oh, well. Doesn't matter then.'

DaftSkunk · 14/01/2014 09:45

I think your friend was just trying to do a nice thing,

formerbabe · 14/01/2014 09:53

Yabu..
Tell your son that you love it and the only reason you hadn't used the first one was because you were saving it for something special but you are now so happy that you have two and can use the stuff all the time. Make a point of using it lots in front of him.

Your friend was trying to do a good thing.

mercibucket · 14/01/2014 10:03

maybe your son actually wanted to get you a gift and it is important to him? the crying suggests that. and your friend is trying to help him achieve that. maybe he actually chose the present even?

my kids love buying me gifts. i remember loving choosing things for my mum. i always worried she wouldnt like the gift. it was very important to me that she did, often it would be carefully discarded, she could have made more effort to understand the feelings of a 10 year old imo, as could you.

tinierclanger · 14/01/2014 10:12

YANBU and I'm surprised so many people think you are. The OP and her son had a nice set up where he drew or made her a gift (which are by far the nicest things to be given, IMHO). Her friend has undermined that and fucked up the special gift giving. It's perfectly understandable that her son would be upset, and perfectly understandable that makes the OP feel a bit sad.

Notawordfromtheladybird · 14/01/2014 10:20

I'd be pissed off with your friend. She didn't listen to you and then she didn't even think it through very well. Why make a grand deal of your son buying a present, remembering the exact brand you buys you, but then let him buy the same exact thing she gave you just a few weeks back. Idiot woman. I would tell her exactly what happened, how upset your son is, and how irritated you are that she ignores your wishes. Ask her how she would feel if you started ignoring her instructions when it came to her kids, and it led to her children crying their eyes out.

Notawordfromtheladybird · 14/01/2014 10:21

epic typo... exact brand she buys you

ViviPru · 14/01/2014 10:24

Your friend is doing this to make herself feel good, ultimately, and hasn't taken enough care to ensure it makes EVERYONE feel good.

JohnnyBarthes · 14/01/2014 10:29

Indeed, merci. Handmade things can be sweet but so can making an effort to choose something you think another person will like. A 10yo might well get the choice a little off, but the thought can be there just as much as if it's handmade.

You sound like hard work, OP. Sanctimonious and precious.

RenterNomad · 14/01/2014 10:41

You can reassure your DS by explaining your friend got over-excited and "pinched"/ "used" his present opportunity. Given that his "turn" was "used", he still has a chance to choose or make hisown present to you, and you would love something from him.

Lovecat · 14/01/2014 10:50

YANBU, this would have pissed me off too. The friend was doing it for herself, to make herself feel good, to justify HER values which are not the same as the OPs.

In doing so she has caused the OP's son to be upset (he sounds lovely, btw, nothing wrong with being sensitive to another's feelings!) and quite frankly if she cba to buy something different/remember what she got the OP just 3 weeks ago (it's not as thought this is several months down the line) then she's not exactly been thoughtful, has she? It says nothing about you and everything about her, no actual 'thought' has been put into this gift buying AT ALL.

You don't have to like your presents. Before/during Christmas there was a long thread on Chat about spectacularly awful presents your parents/ILs had bought for you. And another one about the ugliest thing you'd been given that couldn't be thrown away.

I don't recall any of those posters being called ungrateful, sanctimonious, hard work, precious or any of the other delightful terms thrown around on this thread.

OP, if I were you, I'd ask your 'friend' for the receipt and take your boy shopping with the refund, to get something you'd really like. If there truly is nothing you want, then put it towards doing something nice with him.

bumbleymummy · 14/01/2014 11:14

I agree with the others who have said to tell the friend that you already have the set and that DS would like to return it to get you something else/stick to the original plan of making something himself. You can say that it was kind of her to think of this but you are quite happy with home made presents from your DS and it is a special tradition for you that you would like to keep up.

Thetallesttower · 14/01/2014 11:25

I used to really want to buy my mum a gift when I was younger. She only liked handmade cards and never wanted us to get anyone presents we hadn't made ourselves, so no Mother's Day presents, no Christmas presents (except ones we had made) and so on. Fine for a toddler, but by the age of 10 you are well-aware that a 'cute' handmade card from a little kid isn't quite cutting it aged 10! Mine have started to want to buy gifts around 8-10 and while I don't encourage them to spend lots of money, I do help them to do this.

Thetallesttower · 14/01/2014 11:26

And 10 years olds are more self-aware, they might be a bit uncomfortable with the gushing that tends to accompany little kids drawings- if he loves drawing or crafts, that's a bit different, but if he doesn't, then doing a handmade card is probably uncool to say the least.

musicismylife · 14/01/2014 11:34

OP, I'm with you on this one.

There's a little part of me that thinks her intention wasn't entirely innocent. The fact that she chose the present, ignoring your son's protestations, says it all really.

Save it for her birthday and recycle it back!

BornToFolk · 14/01/2014 12:28

Your friend is doing this to make herself feel good, ultimately, and hasn't taken enough care to ensure it makes EVERYONE feel good.

I agree with this. You and your DS had an agreement that suited you both, your friend took it upon herself to decide this wasn't good enough and her interfering created a situation that's upset you both. I'd be pissed off too. I'm pissed off that exP buys me presents on behalf of DS but doesn't actually let DS choose them, he just buys something from my Amazon wishlist and gets DS to write the tag. I always tell DS that all I want from him at Christmas/birthdays/Mothers Day is a cuddle and a card. And I mean it.

Avalon · 14/01/2014 12:36

YANBU.

I'm with you, op. You had a happy arrangement with your son and your pushy friend has messed with it.

CaffeinatedKitten · 14/01/2014 12:44

Going against the grain, your friend sounds like a selfish wally. You said no, you said why. She took it upon herself to think she knows best and make herself feel smug and superior. Not nice at all. She has basically told you without words that you're doing it wrong.

CailinDana · 14/01/2014 12:45

I have a friend like this. I am considering cutting her out as she is totally self centred. She does things like this that she considers "nice" but they are in fact a subtle form of bullying. Unless you've directly experienced you can't know how horrible it is. My last straw was my friend moving her manipulation onto my child as your friend has done. It is not acceptable.

CaffeinatedKitten · 14/01/2014 12:46

Missed page 2, not as against the grain as I thought!:o