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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with friend for making my DS cry?

229 replies

revealall · 13/01/2014 22:52

So it's my birthday at the end of the week. I am a single parent with DS in year 5. I have plenty of family,friends and work colleagues to celebrate with and it's not a "big" birthday.

The friend in question is a bit controlling but means well and has a DS in the year below. Before Christmas (every year) she offers to take my son out shopping so he can buy me a present. Every year I say no as my son has never brought up the subject of shopping and I would rather have the home or school offerings he brings me.

Today she asks if my DS wants a playdate with her DS. I say yes and when I pick him up there is a gift bag and lots of theatrical winking and shushing. DS later proudly says that he has a surprise for my birthday.

Cut to bedtime and after going up to clean his teeth, I find DS in bed in floods of tears. He doesn't want to tell me why. He eventually tells me that I already have the present he brought and that I don't even like it because it hasn't been used. I look in the bathroom and sure enough there is one of those 3 for 2 Boots bath sets of a brand I don't really like. Guess what...it's exactly the one the friend in question brought me for Christmas.

What do I do? I feel bad for DS as he wanted to buy me something special from him. He said the friend said I like the brand but apart from a polite "thank you" I have never said I like it (because I don't).Despite saying how nice bath stuff is to have, he isn't stupid.He knows I haven't used the first one for a reason.I'm very cross with friend for causing this situation.I have always said I don't want brought stuff from DS and then she makes him buy me the same thing she got me? Should I be cross or am I ungrateful?

OP posts:
Original poster
revealall · 14/01/2014 00:03

I would have loved a nerf gun, a goat, a piece of interesting bark TBH.

He's upset because he knows I already have the EXACT present he wanted to surprise me with.

I'm upset because the friend told him that's what I liked. She would have known that I'd have liked him to have drawn or made me something in the time she had him.

OP posts:
Bootycall · 14/01/2014 00:03

it seems to me you are getting this way out of proportion and so communicating that to your ds.

it's a gift set, I have lots, who doesn't in January? relax. tell your son it's great and job done.

hiphipreplacement · 14/01/2014 00:06

AIBU?

YABU?

No I'm not!

Repeat to fade.

hiphipreplacement · 14/01/2014 00:06

A ! should have been after the YABU of course.

Original poster
revealall · 14/01/2014 00:08

He was in bed bloody hours ago!!!

Of course I made him feel better about it,I'm not stupid. I'm still pissed off with my friend and that's why I'm moaning about it on here.

Thanks all. Even split I think.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 14/01/2014 00:09

I agree with Booty

Will also add, your ds is in y5, now is a good time to teach him its the thought that counts and it doesn't matter what bloody soap you use.

We all have loads of gift sets and most of them we don't like, that's life.
Teach your son how humorous these situations are.
Lighten up and your ds won't get upset at such things. My dd is same age and she wouldn't really have been bothered, especially if i'd lied from the off set and told her how much I was looking forward to using it on my birthday.

hmc · 14/01/2014 00:11

I can't keep it up (attempt to be nice) - fucking he'll op you're hard work!

hmc · 14/01/2014 00:11

"hell" (autocorrect)

thepg · 14/01/2014 00:21

No.

Not an even split op, not even close.

About 3 to 1 YABU give or take.

I counted for you. Wink

pricklyPea · 14/01/2014 00:23

Yabu and are not coming across well.

You only got the other set three weeks ago so hardly like it had been in the cupboard for years and you couldn't just pretend you hadn't got to use it yet.

You sound ungrateful which is fine as you never asked for it but stop saying she made your son cry as though it was the end of the world and deliberate.

ThistletoeAndWine · 14/01/2014 00:28

Your friend isn't to know u didn't like the original gift is she?

You sound like a treat!!! Perhaps u need to look at the way u reacted as that's what comes across as the issue here... Not your friend, maybe she is bugging herself up but she is also trying to do something nice.... Trying being the word!!! You said she asked about Xmas gift, did she ask for play date and inform u that she intended to take him shopping? If u have answered that then I apologise!

Learn to be grateful that somebody has taken an interest!!! Not many single parent families have such support

FudgefaceMcZ · 14/01/2014 00:29

Dude. Srsly.

My younger daughter keeps giving people 'presents' of stones she has found. Not even particularly nice stones, just random ones she has picked up. You just go 'oh how lovely, I will put it with my collection' then secretly bin it or in the case of unwanted bath shite, give it to someone else or just use it ffs. You don't need all this drama. Your son doesn't need all this drama. Your friend also, I would imagine, doesn't need all this drama and probably doesn't keep a list of what she gave who for christmas so she can refer back to it.

TheWitTank · 14/01/2014 00:32

Not to be picky, but hardly an even split by any means.
Why ask at all?

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 14/01/2014 00:37

So your friend PAID for the present that your DS gave you and you are unhappy about it??

trashcanjunkie · 14/01/2014 01:34

she didn't listen to your wishes regarding your ds. She bought the same bloody thing. Not something similar from the range. Contolling! YANBU

differentnameforthis · 14/01/2014 02:59

So you got some smellies 3 weeks ago & your son is concerned that you haven't used them, so will not like his present?

The answer is simple. You tell him that you LOVE that gift set your friend bought you, but you are using up your other stuff first, so you don't have lots of opened bottles hanging around.

White lie, op, white lie.

If you don't like it & really can't use it, you get rid of it a little at a time.

Your friend is trying to be nice, I think it is lovely that you have a friend who wants to help your ds give you something.

differentnameforthis · 14/01/2014 03:03

He wouldn't want the same birthday gift twice Shit happens. I got 2 identical gifts for xmas from my girls. The only difference between them is that one is black & the other beige.

I love them both, because it is the thought that counts.

Oblomov · 14/01/2014 04:43

I never lie about presents I don't like. I said to ds1, also yr5, that I was really pleased I was given the present, but it was too strong smelling for me. ( my mil who is lovely often buys me heavily perfumed , often roses, body lotion). I have told her. But I always am grateful for any present.

SofiaAmes · 14/01/2014 04:57

I think the OP is wonderful for being sensitive to her ds' feelings. And how lovely that he was observant enough to notice that she had it already and hadn't used it. Op, why don't you suggest to him that you and he take it back together and pick out something else instead. And then call up the friend and ask for the receipt and tell her that you already had the item she had chosen for your ds and that you'd like to return it and help him choose something else special.
I completely disagree with the others who are saying that you should white lie to your ds. He is too old to be told an untruth especially after he specifically noticed that you had that item already and didn't yet use it. He's clearly an observant and intuitive child and would know that you were lying to him and that's a terrible example to set for a child.

FamiliesShareGerms · 14/01/2014 05:23

Does anyone like branded bath sets??

picklesrule · 14/01/2014 05:42

I think you are being a bit UR in quite how cross you are with your friend. In the grand scheme of things it's not that big a deal and you can minimise it with your DS I would think.
BUT I can understand how you feel. I have a friend like this and her high handed ness and general I know bet attitude drives me nuts. It's annoying that you now have to be grateful for something you did not want and has caused an issue.
I think if you want to remain friends retain your grumbling for anonymous internet strangers and suck it up with gratitude. If you don't care then take your foot stamping to RL and tell her what you think! But you will come off looking worse and possibly a bit loony Grin

nooka · 14/01/2014 05:47

My dd once bought me a huge smelly gift set for Christmas when she went shopping with dh. dh knows I hate most smelly stuff. I am both liable to react to too many chemicals and hate strong smells. But dd loved the size of the present (it was in a basket) and so dh didn't discourage her.

I oohed and ahhed of course, but dd got the hint fairly quickly when I didn't use the stuff. She was a bit sad (less so when I said she could have it all). These things happen sometimes.

In this situation I would encourage your ds to talk to your friend and go and swap the gift for a brand you don't have or whatever else is possible in the 3 for 2 range. Present buying isn't that easy and it's your ds's first go, learning how to cope with sometimes getting it wrong is no bad thing. No point in getting cross and it clearly was a nice gesture that your ds enjoyed being a part of.

nooka · 14/01/2014 05:49

Oh and yes YABU in thinking that your friend made your ds cry. She didn't.

JingleBrains · 14/01/2014 06:06

OP I can understand you are upset to see your DS cry. It must have been a big thing for him, to get you a birthday present for the first time ever! No wonder he was upset when he realised he got it wrong. I sympathise.

However, my suggestion would be to be honest with him and say - in a lighthearted 'it's not such a big deal' way: yes, I already do have this set, why don't we go out together and return it and buy something I like instead!
That way you could turn this into having a nice time together and hopefully he will remember it fondly.

Just a thought!

Sirzy · 14/01/2014 06:09

Yabvu and childish.

Your friend is trying to so something nice for you and your son and you are sulking with her. Some friend you are!