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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with friend for making my DS cry?

229 replies

revealall · 13/01/2014 22:52

So it's my birthday at the end of the week. I am a single parent with DS in year 5. I have plenty of family,friends and work colleagues to celebrate with and it's not a "big" birthday.

The friend in question is a bit controlling but means well and has a DS in the year below. Before Christmas (every year) she offers to take my son out shopping so he can buy me a present. Every year I say no as my son has never brought up the subject of shopping and I would rather have the home or school offerings he brings me.

Today she asks if my DS wants a playdate with her DS. I say yes and when I pick him up there is a gift bag and lots of theatrical winking and shushing. DS later proudly says that he has a surprise for my birthday.

Cut to bedtime and after going up to clean his teeth, I find DS in bed in floods of tears. He doesn't want to tell me why. He eventually tells me that I already have the present he brought and that I don't even like it because it hasn't been used. I look in the bathroom and sure enough there is one of those 3 for 2 Boots bath sets of a brand I don't really like. Guess what...it's exactly the one the friend in question brought me for Christmas.

What do I do? I feel bad for DS as he wanted to buy me something special from him. He said the friend said I like the brand but apart from a polite "thank you" I have never said I like it (because I don't).Despite saying how nice bath stuff is to have, he isn't stupid.He knows I haven't used the first one for a reason.I'm very cross with friend for causing this situation.I have always said I don't want brought stuff from DS and then she makes him buy me the same thing she got me? Should I be cross or am I ungrateful?

OP posts:
JingleBrains · 14/01/2014 06:16

Ah Sofia just saw your post - great minds Smile

dozeydoris · 14/01/2014 06:26

Most of the bath goodies people give me go to Oxfam.

To give you the present twice shows how little thought she puts into it.

Assure DS that next year you will make sure he buys the present and not her. What about a book voucher or cash then you can perhaps have him with you when you put it towards a lovely book. Or maybe he can 'buy' tickets to the cinema for you both. Or your favourite chocs? Bought in good time.

Jemma1111 · 14/01/2014 06:30

YABU and I agree sound extremely ungrateful .

I also imagine that if next year your friend doesn't bother taking your ds to get you a present , then this will piss you off aswell !

In other words , you sound like a person who you just 'can't win' with . Stop moaning Ffs and be pleased with the fact you have a caring friend .

rainydarkskies · 14/01/2014 06:30

I would be annoyed, although I wouldn't show it.

I recognise not everybody is the same but, as an adult, birthdays just do not MATTER any more to me - nor does Christmas. If I want something for myself I will buy it.

I realise some people's birthdays DO matter to them and they want presents and that is absolutely fine but, having said "no, it's fine," once, I think this should have been respected. It seems a little patronising to me - "there, there dear, you'll have something to open now!"

I don't think the OP is automatically thinking of saying anything so she isn't ungrateful. She's just inwardly a tad annoyed - I would be too.

rainydarkskies · 14/01/2014 06:39

I'm actually really surprised at what a kicking you've taken here, OP.

How many times have I read on these boards that no is a complete sentence, that friends and family should listen to and respect your wishes with your children, and other posts in that theme.

Now just because a gift is involved that is to be ignored?

The OP said "no thank you." Aside from anything else I wouldn't be thrilled about being set up. The OP was led to believe her son was going to play with another child and they were not: they were going shopping. After the OP said 'no thank you.'

I don't doubt it was done with good intentions but I know people like this and they are so infuriating. I can just imagine the OP's friend imagining the "poor single parent" and bossily taking on the dad role which would be one thing if the OP had given the slightest indication of this - but she hasn't.

The gift in itself is not remotely important. What would annoy me is that my no had been taken as a yes and that a lie had been told involving where my child was and what he was doing. I daresay the OP's son getting upset was the icing on the cake. I imagine the "friend" really milked it all with the DS, telling him how THRILLED mummy would be and what a nice thing he was doing and that explains his reaction.

If feeling annoyed at being ignored and lied to makes you ungrateful OP - I'm with you! Wine for the birthday x

ThistletoeAndWine · 14/01/2014 06:56

The op states she was asked
Before Christmas for the
Xmas gift..... I think she needs to clarify if she was asked about a birthday gift!

GertyD · 14/01/2014 07:03

YANBU. She may be trying to be nice, but it is her standard and definition of nice. It shows no consideration of you or your wishes, this, IMO, negates the 'being nice' bit. I agree I prefer the own made stuff from school and home, and do not understand this trend that children must now buy their parents presents.

CoffeeTea103 · 14/01/2014 07:29

You don't deserve the thoughtful gesture or your thoughtful friend. How ungrateful. Your son cried for his own reasons, don't blame your friend!

Whowouldfardelsbear · 14/01/2014 07:31

I would love to have a friend thoughtful enough to do something like this for me. YABU.

JimmyChooChoo · 14/01/2014 07:35

Yabvu OP.

How precious do you sound? You sound like a childish brat. Please grow up for the sake of your son.

KirstyJC · 14/01/2014 07:37

I think your friend is trying to be nice but is actually going against what you had expressly told her before, so actually she is not being nice, she is being unreasonable.

Your DS clearly isn't stupid and I expect he wouldn't believe you if you tried to tell him that you did like it.

In your shoes I would have a quiet friendly word with her. Say thank you so much for the thought but actually you really don't want DS to feel he needs to buy you something - as you have told her many times before - and that he was really upset as you have loads of toiletries sets and don't really get through them that much.

To all those people who say she is being nice, I disagree - she is projecting her own feelings onto OP despite OP saying many times that she doesn't want that. That isn't nice, it's selfish. She did it to make herself feel good, not her friend.

BohemianGirl · 14/01/2014 07:41

I was reading this think he was a Y5 then I realised he is in Y5.

It's an extreme reaction for a 9-10 year old to have isn't it? Over a duplicated present. Does he always react this way?

Shamoy · 14/01/2014 07:43

Yanbu. Must be horrible seeing your son so upset over something so unnecessary.
Your friend did something with kind intentions but even so she went against your wishes in a bossy 'I'm right' way, which is irritating despite the good intentions. Even more irritating when you realise it's upset ds!!
I'd lie to ds about loving the bath stuff and saving it for best and next time birthday or Christmas is coming up get in first and take ds shopping with some money and 'don't look' while he chooses anything he wants to get for anyone. Then tell friend you've sorted it thank you so it's actually ds who gets to choose next time, not her!!

Shamoy · 14/01/2014 07:46

I've got an 8 year old who would be upset in a similar situation. Doesn't seem extreme to me.
Even as an adult really if I'd bought a present for someone very special to me for the first time ever and thought they'd love it, then I realised they didn't at all. I'd be very disappointed

promote · 14/01/2014 07:48

no wonder your son over reacted if thats how you react to something so trivial , your friend was trying to be thoughtful , you sound like the controlling one not your friend.

diddl · 14/01/2014 07:59

Well of course if the gift giver hadn't got the same thing to gove as she did for Christmas it really wouldn't be a problem.

I wonder why she did it this year when she hasn't previously when OP has said no?

TBH, I'd tell her the truth-it's the same thing you got me for Christmas & son is upset.

Receipt please so that you can change it.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 14/01/2014 08:03

You may have said don't get me anything but how many people say 'oh don't get me anything/don't do anything special' then get upset or huffy that no one has bothered.

You know this present was an extra don't you? Above and beyond so even if you don't like it you're not losing anything.

You didn't even need to lie, I would have said 'yes it's lovely isn't it, I haven't had a chance to use it yet, it's only been two weeks since Christmas. Thank you so much ds I love it' . None of that's a lie, I love anything my children make the effort to give me, even if it doesn't get used.

coco44 · 14/01/2014 08:07

think the OP is wonderful for being sensitive to her ds' feelings

No she isn't! If she were she would have convinced her DS what a wonderful gift it was

Bootycall · 14/01/2014 08:10

op your ds is 10!!!! trust me this won't happen next year.

no 11/12 year old boy would be present buying with a mates mother. far too cool for that. gift on, move on

pigletmania · 14/01/2014 08:11

Yabvu, though annoying its a lovely thing to do. No she did not make your ds cry Hmm. You can never have enough smellies, you will soon need new ones, I know I do. Suck it up, just reiterate next time that you don't want anything for your birthday.

LIZS · 14/01/2014 08:19

The friend is irrelevant. Had he gone out himself and chosen it with his won pocket money his reaction would have been the same on discovering the duplication. Maybe she encouraged him to get a gift but she didn't manipulate this upset in the way you seem hellbent on assuming. Agree with pp, why socialise with someone you don't like or trust Hmm

pigletmania · 14/01/2014 08:19

Your reaction probably made your ds upset, you could have easy red him that it was a lovely gift, how much you liked it. Give it to charity or somebody who might like it. She was trying to do something nice, how could she have got it so wrong Hmm. Don't think next year she will bother!

pigletmania · 14/01/2014 08:20

Reassure him I meant

pigletmania · 14/01/2014 08:21

Next time you talk with your ' friend' just hint what brands you like.

Queeniethecorgi · 14/01/2014 08:27

Oh for god's sake. The only people winning in this situation is Boots.

Why must we go through this rigmarole of buying over packaged goop that we resent buying and the receiver resents receiving? Most presents are totally shit. Those totally hideous gift sets are also terrible for the environment.

The OP doesn't want to get in to all that shite with her ds. She likes his homemade stuff and drawings, and her friend with her bossy 'I'm right' overriding thing has upset the ds and caused major hassle for OP.

Honestly OP, I would ask friend for the receipt to return it. And try and explain to your son that you love whatever he gives you, as long as it's homemade. Get him to make you something and make a big fuss of it and display it proudly.

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