Seething at school run friend's partner

[4posterbed]

I share the school run and bring home 2 other dc daily as we all live rurally, no school buses etc. These dc's parents take mine to school in the mornings (school starts 8:45am)while I do the after school pick up. The parents collect from my house around 3:45pm.

Recently one of the parent's came round at 7:30am to collect mine from school and because they normally come at 8:15 my dc were not ready. As a result, they missed their pick up which meant I had to take them in.

I wasn't happy about the change as had not been told. The mum told me her partner (father of her dc) wanted to punish her ( he is unemployed while she has a good job as a deputy head) for whatever reason, and as a result was now refusing to help get his dc with the school run.

Because she had to go to work, the only way she could get there in time was to pick up 7:30am. I am cross that my dc have to suffer because of her selfish partner. She told me he was lazy, never contributed financially, did nothing around the house and now was refusing to help out with the school run knowing what an impact it would have and hoping she would lose her job and that I would not want to carry on sharing the lifts.

I could not believe it! Basically, she said as he was the father of her dc the dc wanted him in their lives and so she has to put up with it and him living parasitically in their home.

This woman is so used to being so badly treated by him (we have shared the school run for years and I had no idea it was like this) I am utterly gobsmacked and believe she has also 'enabled' him to treat her this way.

I have texted him saying don't worry if he was going through a hard time right now I would do everything I could to help out (he was not picking his dc up from my house at 3:45 anymore leaving me to be an unpaid babysitter until the mum collected at 4:30-5pm). He texted back saying do not interfere so I then texted back saying how selfish
he was being and his dc needed a kind and thoughtful dad!

Now the mum has texted me to say she cannot pick up until 5pm but I have to go out (I am a volunteer driver) but I have agreed to let her dc stay here.

I have texted her 'is your partner still refusing to help out?' She hasn't replied because the answer is obviously yes. I feel put upon because of his selfishness and I feel like texting him again saying I am looking after his dc again and that his job!!

I am so angry about this, what should I do?

I could say no more sharing but then that would shoot me in the foot and punish the dc.

Well it does look like your ex-friend is an expert at taking people for rides.

But the good thing is that once it did occur to you it was out of order, you got a quick resolution and can now avoid being messed around and doing child-minding for free.

Also working as a private tutor for a person who had dropped out of school to compete professionally. Notice I did not say state school deputy head, Anymore info and I'll out them

Well done OP. Now, I quite fancy sea bass having overcooked the cod this evening. As you don't have guests all next week I'm sure you wouldn't mind me popping over. I'll be dreadfully hungry on Tuesday :o

All sounds very suss.
Not about the housing for a single, homeless, unemployed (ostensibly anyway) mother, but the fact that she doesn't appear to be actually single and now certainly isn't unemployed; being able to afford horsey hobbies, showjumping and skiing trips, plus two cars in the family and yet still in receipt of free school meals for her DCs

you said "she has a good job as a deputy head" not "working as a private tutor for a person who had dropped out of school to compete professionally"

What is she, deputy head of a riding school?!

She worked as a private tutor for at least 18 months before getting the deputy head job (in September).

How can her children qualify for free school meals if she is working as a deputy head (of whatever kind)?

If she's a deputy head (even if it's not a state school), it will be through the books and she wouldn't get free school meals; this sounds very fishy.

Paying to shoe a horse around here is a minimum of £75 every 6 weeks or so plus I know their horses are at livery so there is a huge expense in that alone. How the hell can they be on free school meals, go skiing and all the rest? May be they don't have to pay much rent or may be they get housing benefit, who knows?

I have never understood it. I have been told this sort of thing is rife in the horsey world. I certainly knew of a single mum who used to charge people for bringing their horses in, mucking out etc and she was a single mum on benefits. But I don't want this to end up as a benefit bashing thread but I suppose when clearly things are dodgy as this it does make you wonder.

I think what she's saying is that it's at a private school. I know that sometimes the qualifications for teachers at private schools aren't as strict as those needed for state schools.

I have known two people who have only ever been able to teach in the private sector because of their qualifications.

Also sometimes at private schools headmistresses/deputy headmistresses are in a role more concerned with the business side of the school rather than purely educational.

Private school or not, I don't see how a deputy head's salary results in free school meals

Holidays etc could be funded by generous grandparents, but free school meals make little sense to me

Or....

She has got the house through being the main carer for the children. And the husband is claiming FSM through being the main carer at his official address.

So between them, they got a home, full benefits etc, whilst unofficially living together. Not benefit bashing, will be signing on again next week thanks to 0 hours contract, but it smells of working the system to me.

I think you just have to stop sharing a lift with them, sounds like too much hassle.

I have foreveron, thank god. But I wished I wised up a lot earlier instead of 3 years down the line. Oh well, serves me right for not mumsnetting then!

Interesting how you should not ignore your instincts about something/someone when it just doesn't seem right, someone said that's when you're 'soul' is trying to communicate with you when you've forgotten reason.

And when that doesn't work you've got mumsnet

Definitely agree with trusting your instincts.
And I don't think it's benefit bashing at all. Benefits are there for people who need help in difficult times or circumstances and it doesn't sound like these people are in that situation now even if they were.

I was presuming that the free schools meals were granted when they were entitled and now the mother is officially employed she hasn't notified anyone? Discussing benefits only comes about because this family(parents) appear to have a massive sense of entitlement and self-first whether it's acquaintances running around after them or the rest of society subbing them when in both cases they are in a position to do their own bit.

Anyway glad you sorted out your problems with them 4poster.

Agree enrique. Found out that free school meal cards are issued at the school which then do not need to be renewed or replaced until notification. This card also entitles bearers to free school trips etc.

Mellowandfruitful I wasn't for one minute suggesting that "testing the waters" was OK. Just using it as an example of what could be happening (which would be just as disgraceful & piss taking) i.e a scheme they were both in on, not just the fact that 'oh he MUST be abusive"

Does that make sense?

As it was, they WERE BOTH on the make, as per my original post. I was merely stating that according to some on this thread, on the basis of one text, he was a wife beater!!