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AIBU?

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Original poster

Seething at school run friend's partner

193 replies

4posterbed · 13/01/2014 13:58

I share the school run and bring home 2 other dc daily as we all live rurally, no school buses etc. These dc's parents take mine to school in the mornings (school starts 8:45am)while I do the after school pick up. The parents collect from my house around 3:45pm.

Recently one of the parent's came round at 7:30am to collect mine from school and because they normally come at 8:15 my dc were not ready. As a result, they missed their pick up which meant I had to take them in.

I wasn't happy about the change as had not been told. The mum told me her partner (father of her dc) wanted to punish her ( he is unemployed while she has a good job as a deputy head) for whatever reason, and as a result was now refusing to help get his dc with the school run.

Because she had to go to work, the only way she could get there in time was to pick up 7:30am. I am cross that my dc have to suffer because of her selfish partner. She told me he was lazy, never contributed financially, did nothing around the house and now was refusing to help out with the school run knowing what an impact it would have and hoping she would lose her job and that I would not want to carry on sharing the lifts.

I could not believe it! Basically, she said as he was the father of her dc the dc wanted him in their lives and so she has to put up with it and him living parasitically in their home.

This woman is so used to being so badly treated by him (we have shared the school run for years and I had no idea it was like this) I am utterly gobsmacked and believe she has also 'enabled' him to treat her this way.

I have texted him saying don't worry if he was going through a hard time right now I would do everything I could to help out (he was not picking his dc up from my house at 3:45 anymore leaving me to be an unpaid babysitter until the mum collected at 4:30-5pm). He texted back saying do not interfere so I then texted back saying how selfish
he was being and his dc needed a kind and thoughtful dad!

Now the mum has texted me to say she cannot pick up until 5pm but I have to go out (I am a volunteer driver) but I have agreed to let her dc stay here.

I have texted her 'is your partner still refusing to help out?' She hasn't replied because the answer is obviously yes. I feel put upon because of his selfishness and I feel like texting him again saying I am looking after his dc again and that his job!!

I am so angry about this, what should I do?

I could say no more sharing but then that would shoot me in the foot and punish the dc.

OP posts:
diddl · 13/01/2014 18:30

So are you both just taking & collecting your own kids now?

BalloonSlayer · 13/01/2014 18:48

TBH I would just get a childminder and sod them

Bogeyface · 13/01/2014 18:56

Why dont you just drop them off at home instead of taking them to yours?

QuintessentialShadows · 13/01/2014 19:01

4posterbed Mon 13-Jan-14 14:20:30
They live half an hour further from the school than me so it would make a round trip of two hours just to drop them off home!

saintlyjimjams · 13/01/2014 19:10

If they take the piss with the 4pm thing just refuse to take them at all.

ivykaty44 · 13/01/2014 19:12

so you drive for half an hour in one direction and then an hour and a half back, how does that work?

Bloodyteenagers · 13/01/2014 19:23

I would talk seriously to the mum and say to her in her professional capacity, if she heard about one of the mums in the school living as she does what would she do... The right answer would be to follow child protection protocol and report because of the negative impact on the dc's of living in an abusive household.

Then tell her well now she has put you in an awkward situatio becuase she is aware of the impact.

Childcare is the
Least of her problems

poopadoop · 13/01/2014 19:31

i can't believe you texted him like that, what were you thinking?

You never know what is going on inside anyone else's relationship, and it sounds like you are way too involved and opinionated. You'll have to make your own arrangements for the school run for now it sounds like, and just tell the Mum that you have to do so as the unpredictability at the moment isn't working for you at all.

Jinglebells99 · 13/01/2014 19:41

I would text them or ring and say that it isn't working and you no longer want to lift share. this is why I never get involved in lift shares myself

magoria · 13/01/2014 19:56

Sounds like you are doing exactly what she is doing if you carry this on.

Doing everything while a selfish man sits on his arse and does SFA.

He knows exactly what you are doing. Point is he doesn't give a shit. A text is pointless.

So you will carry on and carry on putting out.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 13/01/2014 20:05

Did any of them pick up tbeir DC?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 13/01/2014 20:05

On time, I meant.

Original poster
4posterbed · 13/01/2014 20:08

From my house to the school= 30mins, from school back to my house =30mins, from my house to her house (as further away) 30mins and back =30mins sum total 2hrs to drop them home. No public buses go this route unfortunately.

I texted them as I have known them for 3 years and because I have been messed about. I have just been taken for granted and there is no way, knowing what I now know, want to 'enable' either of them any more tbh.

It makes sense to me that she hasn't told me the whole story deliberately, knowing how kindhearted I have been over the years, never batting an eye lid when the pair of them have not turned up to pick up their dc, giving them dinner with mine at least 3 times a week!

I feel an absolute mug.

OP posts:
kotinka · 13/01/2014 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarriesPawnShop · 13/01/2014 20:16

Well now the mug has turned. Stop looking after their DC and stop the lift share.

coco44 · 13/01/2014 20:20

.Don't interfere.You don't know what is going on and you have only got one side of the story.
Manage your own lifts unless or until they have got their acts together.
Don't be so melodramatic-how are the children suffering/ being punished?They are getting to and from school whoever takes them

QueenThora · 13/01/2014 20:21

This situation is really tough OP, I have had something very similar with friends. Yes the DP is being a lazy selfish twat, but he knows other people will pick up the slack because they can't leave the DC uncared for, and he's right. Makes me Angry

IME there is no reasoning with the person who is behaving like this, so I agree try not to get involved. However there may be a child protection issue. It's your call but if you think DC are being neglected then you'd be reasonable to report this man. It will particularly be an issue if they separate and he is granted access.

Original poster
4posterbed · 13/01/2014 20:26

The fact I have posted here means it is impacting badly on me and actually I don't think I deserve to waste any more of my energy on them, as someone said, they are a strange couple anyway.

Thank you all for responding, I needed to get differing perspectives.

Tonight the dc said their dad was lovely and being more helpful. I said glad to hear it! But he isn't helping with the school run, they said he doesn't want to do it anymore as her mum can do it herself. Their mum collected them at 5:25pm, not stopping to apologise or thank me for looking after them, but then she never does, so nothing new.

OP posts:
WeeBitWobbly · 13/01/2014 20:30

So day one and she was late.
End the arrangement now not worth the ongoing headache it will cause

zipzap · 14/01/2014 00:33

What would happen if you texted her tonight to say don't bother to pick up tje dc today (or tomorrow if you're feeling generous) and we will just have to do our own school runs as the new times aren't working. Let me know if you ever get back to the old times regularly.

Interesting that previous run- share broke down. Do you know why? One thing of family moves away or changes school. Very different if they were also being taken for avride

Bogeyface · 14/01/2014 00:38

Yeah, a text along the lines of

"Sorry, this isnt working for me anymore, so after the end of this week I will do the school run both ways myself"

She cant argue with that, you are not giving her anything to argue with. She needs to deal with her dickhead H, not make it your problem.

Bogeyface · 14/01/2014 00:39

That should be "I will do the school run for MY kids both ways myself"

diddl · 14/01/2014 06:39

Bit OT, but how are kids supposed to get to school if there's no car??

Tabliope · 14/01/2014 07:25

I think you did the right thing knocking it on the head. Your kids shouldn't have to suffer going in to school 45 minutes early and you shouldn't have to look after their kids for hours after school.

Even if this couple sort themselves out and the dad starts doing one of the runs again you're at the mercy of someone that could do this all again as he can't be relied on. How embarrassing to involve others in their family problems which he has done when he went on strike with the morning run, highlighting the problem. If you were to carry on you'd never be able to completely rely on him as the next time the husband and wife argue he could do it all again.

justgirl · 14/01/2014 07:32

So have you been letting her take your kids at 7:30am? You say you don't want their DC to suffer but what about your own? I wouldn't send mine in that early in order to "lift share" if there was nothing preventing me from taking them at the correct time. They are a joke and I would end it now.