Seething at school run friend's partner

[4posterbed]

I share the school run and bring home 2 other dc daily as we all live rurally, no school buses etc. These dc's parents take mine to school in the mornings (school starts 8:45am)while I do the after school pick up. The parents collect from my house around 3:45pm.

Recently one of the parent's came round at 7:30am to collect mine from school and because they normally come at 8:15 my dc were not ready. As a result, they missed their pick up which meant I had to take them in.

I wasn't happy about the change as had not been told. The mum told me her partner (father of her dc) wanted to punish her ( he is unemployed while she has a good job as a deputy head) for whatever reason, and as a result was now refusing to help get his dc with the school run.

Because she had to go to work, the only way she could get there in time was to pick up 7:30am. I am cross that my dc have to suffer because of her selfish partner. She told me he was lazy, never contributed financially, did nothing around the house and now was refusing to help out with the school run knowing what an impact it would have and hoping she would lose her job and that I would not want to carry on sharing the lifts.

I could not believe it! Basically, she said as he was the father of her dc the dc wanted him in their lives and so she has to put up with it and him living parasitically in their home.

This woman is so used to being so badly treated by him (we have shared the school run for years and I had no idea it was like this) I am utterly gobsmacked and believe she has also 'enabled' him to treat her this way.

I have texted him saying don't worry if he was going through a hard time right now I would do everything I could to help out (he was not picking his dc up from my house at 3:45 anymore leaving me to be an unpaid babysitter until the mum collected at 4:30-5pm). He texted back saying do not interfere so I then texted back saying how selfish
he was being and his dc needed a kind and thoughtful dad!

Now the mum has texted me to say she cannot pick up until 5pm but I have to go out (I am a volunteer driver) but I have agreed to let her dc stay here.

I have texted her 'is your partner still refusing to help out?' She hasn't replied because the answer is obviously yes. I feel put upon because of his selfishness and I feel like texting him again saying I am looking after his dc again and that his job!!

I am so angry about this, what should I do?

I could say no more sharing but then that would shoot me in the foot and punish the dc.

I am assuming that if your children can't be taken to school, that you will not be picking their children up from school.

Your friend could get after school care.

It would drive me nuts having a forced 'play date' every day after school. I would just want to be able to relax, which you can't with other people's children round. Also, are you giving them snacks each day after school? That will add up to a lot and mean you have to keep shopping to top up the cupboards.

I don't know.

This woman is being abused. Therefore her children are too.

By supporting HER, perhaps she'll see she can live and work without him.

If the lift sharing works, then fine, if not, stop it.

When she picks up, get her in and talk to her, tell her you want to support her but don't know what to do for the best.

She's isolated already. If you shut this down, she'll have nobody.

Physical abuse is dangerous. Mental abuse is crippling. In many cases it takes longer to heal from mental abuse than physical.

If you really like her talk to her & set some boundaries. If you don't then get uninvolved.
Classic victim, persecutors behaviour where they are leaving you to rescue the situation. Stop helping & they will have to sort out for themselves - which will be better for them on the long run. Only they can sort it out. You can't do it for her. I suspect you are being used in one way or another....

It's fair to say it's no longer working for you and your DC and end the agreement. give her a couple of weeks to be kind. Then just get on with taking your own DC to school.

We had a lift share similar circumstances and we were often put upon at short notice because Mums DP was being off etc. One Sunday night she rang to say she'd bought a sports car two seater so no more lifts. Our DD couldn't even get to school on that Monday ( rural no buses and we ended up spending hundreds on taxis until we could find another lift share).
People like this are generally selfish and think the world revolves around them. She may be in an abusive relationship but she could still sort an after school club for her dc and apologise to you for the inconvenience.

By supporting HER, perhaps she'll see she can live and work without him

I couldnt disagree more. By making the school run issue the OP's problem she can successfully avoid facing how abusive this man is. She doesnt have to deal with it while the OP is pulling up the slack.

By the OP calling a halt to the arrangement and making it clear why, she will have no choice but to see that this is down to her husband and his behaviour. The OP would be enabling the victim to bury her head if she carried on.

well I wouldn't want my children anywhere near him so there would be no lift share if he was driving.

you need to stop the sharing as it's not working is it. either for you or for her.

I would be there to support your friend butte finally not let it affect your dcs or school etc.

I would simply say ' from now on I will NOT be collecting your children from school. Your relationship issues are affecting my children, which is where I draw the line. I am sorry you are having problems and should you resolve these and want to go back to the original agreement then plse let me know.

If she asks how its affecting your children then say getting up earlier is making them tired and having her children at your house for longer means you have less time to help them with their homework.

Ive just read the first bit back and it sounds a bit harsh but along those lines, just make it clear its their changes that have made you back out of the arrangements.

It might not be the other mums fault but nor is it up to you to pick up their slack as parents.

Who is taking them to school - is it her at 7.30?
I'm assuming you are doing the pick up and they are staying with you till collected by their DM.

If this is the case you should weigh up the pros and cons of continuing the status quo or terminating the arrangement or negotiating some chianges.

Continuing
Pros
Your dc get to school in the morning
you only do one school run per day
Cons
They now have to leave 45 minutes earlier
You end up having these dc for longer in your house which can impact on your and your dc evening plans.

You feel obliged to feed the dc this was never part of the arrangement.

Ending the arrangement
Pros
Your children leave at a time convenient to you
No after school child care or feeding
You and your dc are free to do your own thing after school
Cons
The time and fuel costs of a trip to schools every morning

The arrangement does seem unequal as she just does one trip but you do a trip, a couple of hours of child care and food.
However, only you can decide if the pos out weigh the cons.
But you could take back a little control by

1- tell her you will be taking the dc with you to the afternoon appointments
2 telling her and them you can't carry on giving her dc snacks and food after school as this was never the arrangement.
3 tell her to find a childminder close to your house and you will as part of the arrangement drop them there after school and then the arrangement returns to reciprocal lifts.
4 tell her you will bring them to your home but she must get them licked up by a certain time ie arrange a taxi from your house to theirs at x time everyday- dads at home so it's not like they would be going home to an empty house or get a childminder from her area to pick up from your house.

Also is there anyone living nearby with children in that school who you could set up a new lift share with and leave her to sort out her dc their school runs and her relationship

Cut them both off. You're not really helping her anyway, it's just papering over the cracks.

In a different situation, I had a friend who was always asking my DP to do household tasks for her despite having a DP of her own. He was lazy and wouldn't do anything in the house. We didn't argue or anything, but after a while I just said I'm sure your DP can do it and left it at that.

It's up to her to face reality if she chooses. If she prefers not to, there's nothing you can do.

This couple have chosen to send their children to a school an hour's drive from their house with no transport links other than by car. Has the husband always been out of work, if not how did they manage getting their children to school and back?
It sounds like they have made choices without thinking about what happens if things change and other people stop being available to them -not your problem.

She's not your friend. They are using you. The arrangement doesn't work for you anymore.

Either stop it now or stop your moaning ;)

Work jut what a child minder would charge them for all those hours plus food! She didn't say thank you-what does that tell you?

Also-what is she doing with all the children at 7.30-8 when she's got to their school? Is it open? If she's dropping them at a breakfast club-is that what you want for your kids?

Thank you for such amazing responses, knew it was a good idea to post on here as could not see how to go forward without getting myself more and more resentful.

I have just started up my own business, had to decline friend's invites to tea after school because had to 'babysit' these dc etc omg how I have been used!

Last night I cooked seabass and it looked delicious but because the dm did not let me know til late she couldn't pick up til 5 then rocked up at 5:25 her dc ate it all. Sorry, but I would never take it out on these dc nor could I put them in another room while mine ate as they are always hungry after school.

It does make me wonder, these dc have horses etc (we could not afford them!) It does not add up. Bloody well get a taxi if they can afford horses! I can see how I have been an 'enabler' now by just being there for them every day.

Will let you know how I get on. She has not replied to my text saying it was unfair on me to depend on me if she was going to be late. Today mine have an after school club so we'll be back later anyway. I will see if she collects on time for the rest of this week. Her dc go on a school ski trip next week so she won't be doing the school run then and I'll have to do it myself anyway.

Horses and skiing!?!? I wonder if she just sees you as just a faceless serf, who likes helping her out just so you can bask in her reflected glory. Especially as she doesn't see fit to even THANK YOU for the things you do!

I don't understand why you are texting her objecting to her picking up late etc. Just text today-now, and say you'll do to the end of the week but it's not working any more. That gives her all this week and all next week (when they're skiing) to sort it out. Unless you enjoy being a martyr?

They can afford the horses and skiing because they are not paying for after school club/nanny/childminders and food!

She's a deputy head-her wages will be decent. Unlike yours.
Have you text her yet?

OP, with the information from your recent posts, I have completely come off the fence now. The husband's behaviour is not the problem; the wife's is.

"I feel an absolute mug."
Yes you do, because that is what this woman/family have taken you to be. To normal people, you've just been kind.

This arrangement has been in place for THREE YEARS, during which time this well-paid woman whose lifestyle embraces horses and skiing has used you as unpaid cook and childminder. You say that "the pair of them have not turned up to pick up their dc, giving them dinner with mine at least 3 times a week!" Fuck me ! And even yesterday, when you had "texted her to say I am no longer available to look after her dc after 4pm and that if she is late it's up to her and her partner to sort out and it was unfair to depend on me", she ignored you and "collected them at 5:25pm, not stopping to apologise or thank me for looking after them, but then she never does, so nothing new."

Do NOT "see if she collects on time for the rest of this week". Just don't. Text her to inform her that the 'arrangement' is terminated immediately - today is the last day you will pick up her children, from tomorrow, Wednesday January 15th she will have to make other arrangements for her DC. The lack of apology on her part, or even acknowledgement, tells you all you need to know. You are being used. Stop being used, stop it now!

Oh, and the seabass? FFS woman, you could have made her DC toast. Toast!! Not given them your dinner!

Stop interferring, forget all child minding, pick up, drop offs and treat it like you would if they had moved out of the area.
Do your own school run and don't rely on anybody is my advice.

To be going on a school skiing trip, surely these children must be of senior school age? Why can't they take a bus home like lots of other children of this age?

Stay out of it OP. They are not your responsibility.

OP - you really should just tell her now that you can't continue with the lift share, and (if you must) this is the last week. Don't even apologise, just say it isn't working for you or your children anymore.

I also really don't like the sound of her dcs talking about their dad - presumably this is in the car with you and your dcs, so it is sucking in the whole family. If the partner is as bad as it sounds, the family have much worse problems than how to get to and from school, and yes you are helping paper over the cracks. I feel sorry for the woman to some extent, but you're not doing her any favours by not responding to her lack of consideration.

Jaysus what a taker. Just cancel this arrangement.

Yr 8 and 9 go on ski trips at this school. I am feeling sick because I am sure now the sob story she fed me last week is only partially true. I never expected thanks for caring for her dc after school but now I realise it is me who has been exploited to the max.

These dc are ok, enjoy being at mine, love my cooking! It never even crossed my mine to just give them toast. We have proper, sit down home cooked meals but I will have to tread a bit carefully as one is in the same tutor group as my ds and for me to suddenly stop the share would impact on that.

I will see how the pick up time goes because then we can have a meal as a family/go out to tea etc again. If no change and no one is there to pick them up after school then don't worry, will have no hesitation in ending this arrangement.