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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seething at school run friend's partner

193 replies

4posterbed · 13/01/2014 13:58

I share the school run and bring home 2 other dc daily as we all live rurally, no school buses etc. These dc's parents take mine to school in the mornings (school starts 8:45am)while I do the after school pick up. The parents collect from my house around 3:45pm.

Recently one of the parent's came round at 7:30am to collect mine from school and because they normally come at 8:15 my dc were not ready. As a result, they missed their pick up which meant I had to take them in.

I wasn't happy about the change as had not been told. The mum told me her partner (father of her dc) wanted to punish her ( he is unemployed while she has a good job as a deputy head) for whatever reason, and as a result was now refusing to help get his dc with the school run.

Because she had to go to work, the only way she could get there in time was to pick up 7:30am. I am cross that my dc have to suffer because of her selfish partner. She told me he was lazy, never contributed financially, did nothing around the house and now was refusing to help out with the school run knowing what an impact it would have and hoping she would lose her job and that I would not want to carry on sharing the lifts.

I could not believe it! Basically, she said as he was the father of her dc the dc wanted him in their lives and so she has to put up with it and him living parasitically in their home.

This woman is so used to being so badly treated by him (we have shared the school run for years and I had no idea it was like this) I am utterly gobsmacked and believe she has also 'enabled' him to treat her this way.

I have texted him saying don't worry if he was going through a hard time right now I would do everything I could to help out (he was not picking his dc up from my house at 3:45 anymore leaving me to be an unpaid babysitter until the mum collected at 4:30-5pm). He texted back saying do not interfere so I then texted back saying how selfish
he was being and his dc needed a kind and thoughtful dad!

Now the mum has texted me to say she cannot pick up until 5pm but I have to go out (I am a volunteer driver) but I have agreed to let her dc stay here.

I have texted her 'is your partner still refusing to help out?' She hasn't replied because the answer is obviously yes. I feel put upon because of his selfishness and I feel like texting him again saying I am looking after his dc again and that his job!!

I am so angry about this, what should I do?

I could say no more sharing but then that would shoot me in the foot and punish the dc.

OP posts:
MrsSquirrel · 13/01/2014 14:38

You can't solve their problems. You can't change his behaviour, stop him from being a selfish, abusive cocklodger or make him into a 'kind and thoughtful dad'. Nor can you make her ltb.

You need to decide what you are willing/able to do regarding the children. You don't want to take their kids home, that's fair enough. If you are willing to keep sharing lifts, knowing what you know, do that. If you can't tolerate their situation, end the arrangment.

onepieceoflollipop · 13/01/2014 14:41

you need to communicate with her face to face. I am surprised she just turned up at 7.30 without even a text or call out of courtesy, so she isn't good at communicating by the sound of it.

Telephone her, and either speak on the phone or ask to see her briefly. No more texts to him.
Obviously it's not a beneficial arrangement for you now. Your dcs have to leave nearly an hour earlier, then you have to care for her dcs until early evening?

If she is a friend then maybe offer to help, but if she is not even a friend, you need to stop the arrangement.

Avalon · 13/01/2014 14:43

Surely she could organise a taxi for them? They are secondary school kids and she, at least, has a good job.

WorraLiberty · 13/01/2014 14:57

Why did she rock up at 7.30am without phoning/texting you before she left? Confused

I agree with Avalon she needs to sort out a taxi...even part way and part public transport.

greenfolder · 13/01/2014 15:01

you need to extracate yourself asap.

treat it as though they had moved- how would you get dc to school and back?

do that and say that arrangement no longer works as you have no desire to be involved in their marital problems.

if she cant do a taxi, presumably at secondary age they could stay in the library or something until she collects them.

kotinka · 13/01/2014 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/01/2014 15:08

I could say no more sharing but then that would shoot me in the foot and punish the dc.

But they're not sharing and you're lumbered now. I suspect whatever he thought of you texting him, he is still laughing his fat head off because you are running around after his DCs. You had no idea, now you do; if you are acting as unpaid babysitter, life will carry on and he is no worse off, she can breathe easy because she won't need to change her hours and doesn't have to hassle him, the only one inconvenienced is you!

YourHandInMyHand · 13/01/2014 15:46

Oh gosh I feel really sorry for her but I agree you shouldn't be used as childcare. I guess it depends how much of a friend she is. I wouldn't want to enable him but I wouldn't want a good friend suffering either and would offer to help her out as a short term measure until she sorts something.

I there a child minder near your dc's school who could pick up her DCs until she can get there from work? If he won't parent she needs to find a childcare solution.

I wouldn't bother texting him again and I'd be offering her support, building her confidence, and dropping mumsnet into conversation (so she can come on and be told to LTB).

AliceinWinterWonderland · 13/01/2014 16:03

He is not violent from what I can tell as the dc would have said (they are cheery, doing v well at school, secondary school age) but they did say he was strange and 'not a role model'

I was cheery, doing very well at school at secondary school age. But I would never have told anyone about the abuse in our household, because that would only have made it worse. My parents were "fine upstanding members of the community." Don't assume anything.

If he IS violent, and you certainly don't know, texting him will put her in a very precarious position.

Jinty64 · 13/01/2014 16:13

Make your own arrangements for your children and leave them to do likewise.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/01/2014 16:22

It may be him sabotaging this arrangement and you not rescuing the situation that helps your friend see how bad the situation is. Only she can really solve this problem in the long run.

diddl · 13/01/2014 16:27

So she's the one who turned up at 7.30 with no warning?

I don't know why you're seething with anyone tbh.

It worked, now it doesn't -sort your own kids out!

AnnieLobeseder · 13/01/2014 16:29

I would tell your friend that the lift-sharing is involving you in her domestic affairs to a degree with which you are not comfortable, and that you're afraid she will have to make alternative arrangements.

I understand that she's your friend and you want to help her, and it would be okay if it were temporary, I'm sure. But it's to your detriment to have to keep picking up the slack and just enables him to be an arse and your friend an excuse to keep putting up with it.

Step back, for everyone's sakes.

YellowTulips · 13/01/2014 16:29

I think you are enabling them both.

Your friend needs to sort out her relationship IMHO rather than get others to pick up the pieces left by her DP. If he is such a fucking parasite she should pull him up on it or cut him loose.

I would walk away from the whole arrangement tbh - sounds toxic.

Friendsupport · 13/01/2014 16:30

She needs to stand her ground

If she left for work as normal - would he just leave the children home all day? Probably not, he would take them to school.

woodrunner · 13/01/2014 16:39

You are being dragged into their unhealthy dynamic. Back out of it entirely. Explain you can't lift share any more. Take and pick up your own children.

It is up to her to get to work on time and rediscover her back bone and to him to stop being such a vile sponging manipulator. You can be more supportive of her from the sidelines if you're not getting involved in their power struggles.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2014 16:42

"she said as he was the father of her dc the dc wanted him in their lives and so she has to put up with it and him living parasitically in their home."

"His dc regularly complain about him to me in the car, they say he does nothing all day, the mum does everything.They said they often took their dad's side in any argument until now as he was funny and the mum was stressed out!"

"they did say he was strange and 'not a role model'"

Have you told her about what her children say about him? Because it's possible that she's assuming they love him and want him in their lives because of them taking his side during arguments. Whereas they are possibly more ambivalent than that in reality. Not so much a LTB-discussion with her, more of a do-you-really-think-this-is-healthy-for-your-DC? The more she enables him, the longer the situation runs and the more damaged they all (DC and parents) become.

It's a difficult one for you. On the one hand, I would want to extricate myself from their mess ASAP. On the other, withdrawing from the arrangement means he 'wins' and that would really stick in my craw. Particularly after his 'do not interfere' text. TBH, he has no right to say that - his behaviour has impacted on you and your DC, so in my book he has made this your business.

kotinka · 13/01/2014 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Athrodiaeth · 13/01/2014 16:52

Who's to say she didn't make it all up? He might be a perfectly normal bloke who left the milk out accidentally, and next thing she's having a rant at you about everything in her life being her 'lazy partner's fault. I'd run a mile if some acquaintance started spouting off like that.

To then text the man about his children needing a better father is just cringeworthy. The woman's probably regretting opening her mouth now.

Just back off from their tiff. Take and pick up your own kids from school and leave them to it.

The children say he 'is not a role model'? This sounds a bit farfetched.

Original poster
4posterbed · 13/01/2014 18:03

She is not a friend, just someone who wanted to share lifts to school after she stopped sharing with someone else. This was before mine started at the school. I am fed up anyway because of the lack of communication if nothing else. Also, I have been her unpaid babysitter for 3 years, I haven't minded until now when the 7:30am thing started last week and now knowing about the situation with her partner.

I have texted her to say I am no longer available to look after her dc after 4pm and that if she is late it's up to her and her partner to sort out and it was unfair to depend on me.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 13/01/2014 18:11

What will you do if they just continue not turning up to pick up by 4 though?

QuintessentialShadows · 13/01/2014 18:13

I guess you now understand why someone else stopped sharing with her?

Littleen · 13/01/2014 18:20

Don't think you should interfere, it is not your place. Unfortunately your only option is to accept the changes or stop the lift shares.

Topseyt · 13/01/2014 18:23

I think one of life's rich lessons is that you really cannot take on other people's problems. They are their problems, not yours, and you are not their social worker or anything like that.

Tell your friend that unfortunately the arrangement is no longer working for you or your children, and say that you want to terminate it for now. Say that you will always be there for her, but that for now you need to sort your children out separately.

Don't text him or contact him at all. Very risky thing to do. You really do not know for sure at all what goes on behind closed doors, so anything you say is at best an assumption and at worst dangerous for the family concerned.

Hulababy · 13/01/2014 18:27

If they are secondary school age can they not get a school, or public, bus?

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