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AIBU?

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Original poster

Seething at school run friend's partner

193 replies

4posterbed · 13/01/2014 13:58

I share the school run and bring home 2 other dc daily as we all live rurally, no school buses etc. These dc's parents take mine to school in the mornings (school starts 8:45am)while I do the after school pick up. The parents collect from my house around 3:45pm.

Recently one of the parent's came round at 7:30am to collect mine from school and because they normally come at 8:15 my dc were not ready. As a result, they missed their pick up which meant I had to take them in.

I wasn't happy about the change as had not been told. The mum told me her partner (father of her dc) wanted to punish her ( he is unemployed while she has a good job as a deputy head) for whatever reason, and as a result was now refusing to help get his dc with the school run.

Because she had to go to work, the only way she could get there in time was to pick up 7:30am. I am cross that my dc have to suffer because of her selfish partner. She told me he was lazy, never contributed financially, did nothing around the house and now was refusing to help out with the school run knowing what an impact it would have and hoping she would lose her job and that I would not want to carry on sharing the lifts.

I could not believe it! Basically, she said as he was the father of her dc the dc wanted him in their lives and so she has to put up with it and him living parasitically in their home.

This woman is so used to being so badly treated by him (we have shared the school run for years and I had no idea it was like this) I am utterly gobsmacked and believe she has also 'enabled' him to treat her this way.

I have texted him saying don't worry if he was going through a hard time right now I would do everything I could to help out (he was not picking his dc up from my house at 3:45 anymore leaving me to be an unpaid babysitter until the mum collected at 4:30-5pm). He texted back saying do not interfere so I then texted back saying how selfish
he was being and his dc needed a kind and thoughtful dad!

Now the mum has texted me to say she cannot pick up until 5pm but I have to go out (I am a volunteer driver) but I have agreed to let her dc stay here.

I have texted her 'is your partner still refusing to help out?' She hasn't replied because the answer is obviously yes. I feel put upon because of his selfishness and I feel like texting him again saying I am looking after his dc again and that his job!!

I am so angry about this, what should I do?

I could say no more sharing but then that would shoot me in the foot and punish the dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
4posterbed · 14/01/2014 23:30

You are right Bogey, the council house is new, part of a limited development on a farm. But now I don't care any more. I have just shown this entire thread to my dh. He disliked her and got the feeling she told stories to suit herself.

There were countless times when she put him out too, getting him to leave work early in order to take her dc to school and back rather than ask her own partner or eldest dc (the showjumper)who also drives.

My dh had just dismissed it as rude/off/selfish and thought no more of it.

Thank god for this thread.

OP posts:
iamonthepursuitofhappiness · 14/01/2014 23:47

I would take the kids to school for her as many before school clubs do not open early enough and suggest she books them into afterschool club or gets a childminder for the evening school run. At least that way she can remove her arsehole partner from the childcare equation and may feel less dependant on him and more likely to leave him. He's a twat but no good will come of being piggy in the middle.

kotinka · 15/01/2014 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 15/01/2014 06:03

So on the basis of one text (do not interfere) he has been tried & found guilty, he is assumed an abuser (you don't know if he's going to take it out on his wife when she gets home/he'll probably take it out on her/stop him from being a selfish, abusive cocklodger) He isn't a good dad (or make him into a 'kind and thoughtful dad') a bastard (Nor can you make her ltb)

Once again MN have taken the woman's side in this. How do you know that the dad hasn't just got a job & they are "testing the waters" to see how much the op will tolerate?

She told me he was lazy, never contributed financially, did nothing around the house and now was refusing to help out with the school run knowing what an impact it would have and hoping she would lose her job and that I would not want to carry on sharing the lifts. Could just be a "line" as they think you will help out more if she gives you a sob story about it being hard for her.

She hasn't replied because the answer is obviously yes Perhaps she hasn't answered because she is on the pisstake?

I am not saying this is the case, but all of a sudden things have changed & the op has never been aware of the father being anything but a doting dad who takes his & her kids to school everyday for years, we have shared the school run for years and I had no idea it was like this and MN pile on & blame him. One such small spinets of info that the op doesn't even know if they are correct.

And posters say MN isn't biased?

differentnameforthis · 15/01/2014 06:11

I see the thread has moved on, so my post is a bit uninformed.

For some reason my phone only loaded half the thread..

QuintessentialShadows · 15/01/2014 08:51

If the oldest child drives, why could she not have driven mum to work, and done the "work run" as opposed to mum doing the school run, and parked near school?

fedup21 · 15/01/2014 09:19

The older child drives??
OP, can you clarify how old their children are and how old your children are?

Mimishimi · 15/01/2014 09:50

So, hang on, she often got your DH to drive all the children in the mornings when it was supposed to be her turn? Why on earth did you put up with for so long? Childcare 'users' are the worst...

fedup21 · 15/01/2014 10:33

Your DH only thought she was a bit rude? I can't believe you've let this go on?! Are you generally a bit of a doormat? Not meaning to be rude but some people seem to end being easily taken advantage of?

Original poster
4posterbed · 15/01/2014 11:12

Well thanks to this thread it has all come out in the wash.

We are just basically decent people and yes, kindhearted!

Reading back through this and yes, utter mugs and doormats but we had absolutely no idea that each of us had been taken for a ride to such an extent because tbh this had not been the forefront of our lives/minds and we had never swapped notes.

Just an increasingly annoying inconvenience and as you have all pointed out, the change in plan to 7:30am without bothering to let me know was just a piss take.

I only really noticed the pisstake leaving their dc at ours every night when I stopped being a SAHM and started my own business.

The inconvenience of not going to other friend's for teas etc was again, a massive inconvenience, but then I've always put the dc first so actually thankfully I have brilliant friends they'd collect mine or mine would go home with them. I would go along later once these other dc were taken off my hands.

Now we are free! The oldest dd is about 20, the others we shared with 13 and 14. When my dh was put out he told me he let these dc know but it seemed to him that they were hardened to any annoyed vibe probably because they were used to it!

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 15/01/2014 11:34

20? You have babysat a 20 year old? Could the 20 year old not taken her siblings home on the bus?

RockinHippy · 15/01/2014 11:37

Self entitled bare faced lying mare - her & her skiving DP are well suited

You on the other hand are too lovely & well shot

Enjoy your new found freedom Flowers

Original poster
4posterbed · 15/01/2014 11:59

Quin we took the 2 school age dc to school, not their 20 yr old dd showjumper who lived with them.

Anyway getting all this off the chest has been great, can get on with my life now!

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 15/01/2014 12:01

Ah ok.

fedup21 · 15/01/2014 12:02

You wouldn't have thought that many show jumpers or deputy heads have council houses?

nauticant · 15/01/2014 13:14

You should start a thread about that!

Mellowandfruitful · 15/01/2014 13:38

differentname I know you have acknowledged that your post didn't reflect the later developments on the thread, but even so, with regard to "How do you know that the dad hasn't just got a job & they are "testing the waters" to see how much the op will tolerate?" I just don't think this would be acceptable, even from people who'd previously behaved impeccably. Adults shouldn't "see how much someone will tolerate", they should have normal adult discussions about compromise and arrangements that can work reasonably well for everybody. This couple didn't do that. I don't think that was anti-man bias, I think it was justified calling out of bad behaviour.

PrivateBenjamin · 15/01/2014 13:42

Well done 4poster! They really took advantage of your good nature and kindness. I hope you enjoy all the extra family time and delicious sea bass you'll have now. Flowers

whattimeisitanyway · 15/01/2014 14:21

I don't understand why a 13 and 14 year old need to be taken to and from school and 'babysat' in the first place.

fedup21 · 15/01/2014 14:29

13 and 14?!! I thought they were much younger!

I was babysitting three under 8s at 13!!

PrivateBenjamin · 15/01/2014 14:40

They need to be taken to and from school because they live in a rural area with no school buses. It's in the first line of the opening post.

nauticant · 15/01/2014 14:51

But where's the fun in reading the opening post!

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 15/01/2014 15:16

They need to be taken to and from school because they live in a rural area with no school buses. It's in the first line of the opening post

They also live 30 mins from the OP, who in turn lives 30mins from the school - not that this necessarily means those people are 60 mins from the school if they travel direct.

I'm gobsmacked that not only is the two school children's father available to collect on time and fill in during the time they're away skiing etc. but presumably as their elder show jumping sibling lives at home, they drive and would also be available/responsible enough to look after them.
This family really do have a cheek and an attitude on them as well.

It's all very odd that the father is out of work/on benefits and not supposed to be living in the family home either. Meanwhile the family (who all live together) seem to have an affluent lifestyle Hmm
Apologies if I misread or misunderstood that.

Original poster
4posterbed · 15/01/2014 16:14

Yes, enrique, it doesn't and has never added up. Complete, utter enigma. Have spend years going ???? but always giving them the benefit of the doubt as dc were involved.

Have asked qs but never understood their answer.

Ok, so now I will give you savvy, sleuth mumsnetters all the info I have been told (without outing them completely)and let you all come up with offers of some explanation.

It's a good point to start at as you now know how I started the thread, and you have already got some bkgd info.

When they first arrived from one of the channel islands, the pair of them were on benefits as being unemployed. The mum was officially anyway, a single mum with and a homeless one at that, so rehomed in one of the new eco local authority houses. The fact that the dad appeared 'later' but frequently went back to London but more often than not stayed with them made me realise that he was not officially supposed to be living with them.

That is how I met them. Their dc have had and continue to have free school meals.

But we knew they had horses, seen them, and every weekend they'd regale stories about how they did at the competitions. Mine also ride so it was an interest shared.

DM was working at a competition yard and getting paid cash in hand. Dad frequently disappeared to London working as a security guard (later dc told us how successful his company was was hence affording to pay for the sj.

She then got this new job in September and I don't know the social security system works but I presume you don't lose your housing if you get a job?

You pretty much know the rest. My dh thinks they are scammers and I know for a fact she has lied through the teeth to get me to childmind for free all this time but I am not or was never going to get the truth.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 15/01/2014 16:24

She's gone straight from working cash in hand at a stables to getting a Deputy Head post???