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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seething at school run friend's partner

193 replies

4posterbed · 13/01/2014 13:58

I share the school run and bring home 2 other dc daily as we all live rurally, no school buses etc. These dc's parents take mine to school in the mornings (school starts 8:45am)while I do the after school pick up. The parents collect from my house around 3:45pm.

Recently one of the parent's came round at 7:30am to collect mine from school and because they normally come at 8:15 my dc were not ready. As a result, they missed their pick up which meant I had to take them in.

I wasn't happy about the change as had not been told. The mum told me her partner (father of her dc) wanted to punish her ( he is unemployed while she has a good job as a deputy head) for whatever reason, and as a result was now refusing to help get his dc with the school run.

Because she had to go to work, the only way she could get there in time was to pick up 7:30am. I am cross that my dc have to suffer because of her selfish partner. She told me he was lazy, never contributed financially, did nothing around the house and now was refusing to help out with the school run knowing what an impact it would have and hoping she would lose her job and that I would not want to carry on sharing the lifts.

I could not believe it! Basically, she said as he was the father of her dc the dc wanted him in their lives and so she has to put up with it and him living parasitically in their home.

This woman is so used to being so badly treated by him (we have shared the school run for years and I had no idea it was like this) I am utterly gobsmacked and believe she has also 'enabled' him to treat her this way.

I have texted him saying don't worry if he was going through a hard time right now I would do everything I could to help out (he was not picking his dc up from my house at 3:45 anymore leaving me to be an unpaid babysitter until the mum collected at 4:30-5pm). He texted back saying do not interfere so I then texted back saying how selfish
he was being and his dc needed a kind and thoughtful dad!

Now the mum has texted me to say she cannot pick up until 5pm but I have to go out (I am a volunteer driver) but I have agreed to let her dc stay here.

I have texted her 'is your partner still refusing to help out?' She hasn't replied because the answer is obviously yes. I feel put upon because of his selfishness and I feel like texting him again saying I am looking after his dc again and that his job!!

I am so angry about this, what should I do?

I could say no more sharing but then that would shoot me in the foot and punish the dc.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 14/01/2014 12:36

Sod thanks - she should be offering you money for feeding her kids and apologising for being useless.

FryOneFatManic · 14/01/2014 12:42

Yr 8 and 9 are plenty old enough to take a bus.

kotinka · 14/01/2014 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FryOneFatManic · 14/01/2014 12:46

I don't see it's the OP's problem though, she's clearly being taken for a ride.

MrsSquirrel · 14/01/2014 12:52

I will have to tread a bit carefully as one is in the same tutor group as my ds and for me to suddenly stop the share would impact on that.

What do you mean by that? How would it impact on your son's tutor group? Or do you mean you think the other boy will treat yours badly because you stop giving him lifts?

OP these people are massively disrespectful of you. Despite what you put in the tread title, the woman is not behaving like your friend in any way. Her actions show she does not care about you at all, she is just using you.

Just text her and end the arrangement. It's having a negative impact on you and your dc.

ZenNudist · 14/01/2014 12:55

Lovely that you've done so much for these dc. I would not give random dc nice Seabass meal and go without myself. I have much shorter tolerance for bad manners and lack of gratitude. As it is she does the easier end of the day.

She sounds as bad as her dh expecting other people to pick up her slack.

PrivateBenjamin · 14/01/2014 13:11

OP Stop picking her kids up! She's using you for lifts, food and childcare. You're being way too nice and thinking about the effects on everyone, think about the effect on you!

I wouldn't even give her to the end of the week, she'll magically find a way to do the school run if you tell her no.

Be strong! Smile

PrivateBenjamin · 14/01/2014 13:14

OP Stop picking her kids up! She's using you for lifts, food and childcare. You're being way too nice and thinking about the effects on everyone, think about the effect on you!

I wouldn't even give her to the end of the week, she'll magically find a way to do the school run if you tell her no.

Be strong! Smile

Original poster
4posterbed · 14/01/2014 13:28

Yes, even worrying what these dc will say to mine when I stop the liftshare. Thank you for pointing out that I am putting everybody's interests above my own. Should have been obvious to me ages ago just how skewed this relationship has been.

Anyway, will ask her why she hasn't bothered ever to thank me for looking after them all these years tonight. The worm has certainly turned. They do not treat me well at all. Thank god for you all that's all I can say.

OP posts:
aciddrops · 14/01/2014 13:37

This couple sound like a pair of piss takers. Good luck with sacking them off.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 14/01/2014 13:49

I'm not even sure I accept that the woman's being put upon at home.
Seems more likely that as she has to be out anyway, she's doing the drop off and picking up when it suits.

Am staggered that she's dropping the kids off at 8am for 8.45 and that she didn't have the courtesy to speak to you before changing the arrangements. She may need to do this but your children certainly don't need to.
As for the late pick up as opposed to the agreed time, she's massively taking the piss. And again with no thanks for feeding her DCs and keeping them late. She has some brass neck I'll say.
It's this that makes me wonder about her home situation, if she was in distress I think she'd be more courteous and grateful for what you're doing.

I definitely wouldn't text, it's too easy to ignore, obviously it is.
I'd simply say that you have to change your arrangements as you now have 'conflicting commitments' and the current system doesn't work for you.
Tell your DCs to say that you have to be somewhere else immediately after school and leave it at that, doubt the kids will be very interested in what it might be and it won't be discussed further.

Original poster
4posterbed · 14/01/2014 13:57

I don't believe it either enrique. I am cross with myself now.

OP posts:
Hissy · 14/01/2014 14:00

I revise my frankly daft previous response. I missed a few of your posts 4poster

It looks like she is taking the piss actually, feeding her DC because they are late to collect and not even a hint of thanks.

Only one evening does DS goes home with a friend for a couple of hours before Youth Club, and having picked them both up once and survived the cacophony of noise, I am pitifully grateful to his parents for having my DS one night a week!

Otherwise, I don't have the balls to expect anyone to take in my DS, I pay for a CM. yeah me, who can't afford bugger all, get no flaming help from DS dad, no skiing, no holidays, nuffink.

Perhaps if i did find someone, I could put the £300/m to a holiday fund.

Any takers? :)

CrabbyWinterBottom · 14/01/2014 14:10

Jesus fucking christ, you're feeding her kids sea bass, babysitting them for free every night, and in return she turns up whenever she feels like it and doesn't even thank you!! Shock Angry

I honestly cannot fucking believe what some people will put up with. Confused

QuintessentialShadows · 14/01/2014 14:12

Why dont you just let her kids watch TV, saying "I am sure you will have tea when you get home, it is time for us to eat" and have your dinner?

olidusUrsus · 14/01/2014 14:18

Cancel the pick up arrangement now. It's not great logistically speaking for any group of parents because if I've understood your houses are in opposite directions from each other/the school.

Tell her no more when she comes round tonight.

fedup21 · 14/01/2014 14:21

*Anyway, will ask her why she hasn't bothered ever to thank me for looking after them all these years tonight. The worm has certainly turned. They do not treat me well at all. Thank god for you all that's all I can say.

NO no, no, no! Don't say this. That sounds needy and weak. Just tell her no more.

Cerisier · 14/01/2014 14:33

Just end it. Don't explain or apologise and certainly don't ask why she hasn't thanked you. Be breezy and very busy.

PlumpPartridge · 14/01/2014 15:44

If you ask her why she's never thanked you then she will probably think that she can buy you back with a thank you and a poxy box of chocolates or something. I second advice to just say you're not doing it any more!

fedup21 · 14/01/2014 16:02

OP, do you generally do things to make people like you/accept you? If that's the case, you need to take a step back and see she is taking huge liberties.

Please don't moan and say she hasn't thanked you-just say you can't be an unpaid childminder anymore and she needs to make other plans. Say it tonight, not tomorrow, Friday, next week or after the holiday. Today.

Original poster
4posterbed · 14/01/2014 16:54

Well the deed has been done.

I asked her whether she would consider continuing with the school run while her dc were skiing (not really thinking she would as she has never once put herself out for me or my dc, so a bit of a test if you like) and she considered it and then said she wanted to get to work early that week so the answer was no.

I was not surprised. I then said that I didn't feel it was fair on her dc not knowing when they were going to be picked up and that I didn't feel I was treated very well for them not telling me about the 7:30 start. She looked shocked when I said that and then said it had slipped her mind.

I said I didn't want to continue doing the lift share and she looked angry and drove off saying suit yourself then!

Good riddance. Thank you mumsnetters for giving me the confidence to end the rot and to stand up for myself.

The dc had even said today in the car that their dad was nice to their mum but was told not to work because of stress. I said stress from not working? I don't even care anymore because it sounds like damage limitation from the previous week from them telling me how parasitical and lazy he was.

I asked how the horses were, they have 2 and the eldest dd is a showjumper, so plenty of money for that then!

I can't thank you all enough Thanks Cake Wine Smile

OP posts:
aciddrops · 14/01/2014 16:56

Well done. She sounds awful. I bet you feel so much better!

CrabbyWinterBottom · 14/01/2014 16:57

What they said ^

You really need to stop this arrangement immediately; she is taking you for an idiot! Don't ask her why she's never thanked you - I can tell you that right now... it's because she's an ungrateful cow who neither respects nor appreciates you. Some half-hearted apology thrown out to mollify you so that you don't stop giving her free childcare, isn't going to change that fact.

Decent people don't behave like this. You sound very kind and caring, but be careful that people like this don't take you for a ride - save it for those who deserve it!

CrabbyWinterBottom · 14/01/2014 16:58

Arrrgh, cross posts! Grin

CrabbyWinterBottom · 14/01/2014 17:00

Well Done You!!! Flowers That told her!