To not understand why ex is taking paternity leave?

[marleyandme2014]

Split with my ex shortly after finding out I was pregnant.

Not had much to do with him during the pregnancy - not once had him ask me if I needed anything for the baby etc which I feel is a bit off - however all of a sudden he is contacting me asking for my mat b1 form so that he can claim paternity leave!

I thought this was for fathers who would be spending their time with the newborn - not in this case though - he said quite blatantly that he wants to use the time to catch up with friends and buy a car.

So as not to drip feed, I am with my long term partner again now - pregnancy with ex not planned of course but me and my partner are very happy and he will be fully involved in her care and upbringing. We will be getting married in the summer.

AIBU in thinking he is unreasonable, or is this OK?

bohemian shit happens. not every baby is conceived in a long-term relationship.

If you think he will definitely want parental responsibility I would put him on the birth certificate, if he applies for it he will get it and it'll save you any court costs

He is being very unreasonable about the paternity leave but I think the DNA test is more than reasonable as long as he pays for it

No, of course you didn't make that decision when you had sex with him

Sex can lead to pregnancy which can lead to a baby. Every time you have sex you are taking the risk of pregnancy ( to a larger or smaller degree depending on the type of contraception you use).

If you choose to have sex with a person you don't really know you need to accept that there will be a chance you will have to co-parent with that person.

If you didn't want to co-parent with someone you dont know yiu shouldn't have had sex with them, but yiu did, so now you need to deal with the consequences.

if he was a decent person i would have no problem with him being on the BC.

Sadly for me and my unborn child, he's far from decent.

But yes, i should have thought about that shouldn't I.

marley what are your concerns regarding him being involved in your child's life, if you don't mind me asking? Is there anything specific you are worried about that we might be able to help you talk through? It's just that it's basically inevitable that if he applies he will get PR, due to the circumstances he will say he's not sure about paternity hence why he's been uninvolved during the pregnancy and the courts will award he some type of contact unless there's a reason for him not to have it. I'm not trying to upset you but you not liking him and your partner being willing to be the child's father is not enough to stop the ex being involved in the child's life.

and how many people end up separating from their partners after having dc because their partners turn out to be far from decent people? you could apply the 'should have thought about that' logic to any of them but realistically, most of us aren't perfect enough to plan for every possible scenario.

Thank you fot the replies, good and bad.

Re paternity leave, I definitely won't be giving him the form and have told him so.

Re telling his employers - I would like to clarify the situation with them but probably won't as It would only lead to trouble. Tempting to show him up as the lying person that he is, but these things always come out in the end - I'm sure he'll see to that himself.

Re marrying my parter before the birth, no time sadly - i'm due in 2 days! It will be happening in the summer though.

Re birth certificate - i wouldn't leave him off to be malicious, but honestly if you knew him you would not want him on there either. Narcisistic alcoholic anyone? Yes sure - I just need to suck it up!

No I should not have sex with him in the first place, but sometimes people don't tend to show their true colours if they want something from you. I made a mistake, I am fully aware of that.

When you split after finding out you were pregnant was it him walking away or you wanting to get back with your ex? I ask as if it was the second that could explain why he has found it hard to be involved in the pregnancy.

Hi Opal,

I broke up with him, but because of his behaviour - it was a few months until I got back with my partner.

He hasn't been involved because he is lazy and the baby was not a priority for him.

Now all of a sudden he thinks he can benefit from the baby (ie by taking paternity leave), he is back in contact.

I did ask him if he wanted to go to scans and provided details so he'd know when and where they were happening and not once did he show an interest.

He knows i did not sleep around and he knows the baby cannot be my partners (he can't have children) - I think he is demanding a test just to make me feel like shit to be honest. He has already told me all along that he and his mates (and anyone else who will listen) think I planned it (getting pregant by a loser, yeah of course I did).

Twat.

Send it to him with a very long of list of baby related things he will need to do during his leave, including being on call over night in case you need a break and to catch up on sleep.

That'll put him right off.

Then get your DP to take paternity leave, he's the one that'll need it

You do need to have a proper conversation about access though, you need to know if he is in or out.

Don't play games ffs, just be straight!

I have tried to discuss contact and maintenance so many times and he just will not have the conversation!

One thing he did say is that he would only pay something if it went into her personal bank account that only he would have access to.

I thought both parents had to live together for paternity leave to be taken so its likely he wong qualify anyway.

As for the birth certificate, of course he should be named. He is the babys father, you chose that by sleeping with him. Why should the baby have no other parent listed simply because you know claim not to know him well enough.

Your version is he has not spent any money on baby items or attended scans so have written him off as it suits you with having a new partner. From his point of view, you got pregnant by him whilst on a break from a long term partner that cannot have children and is now more than willing to play daddy. Was your new partner willing to stay away from scans so the ex could go? Have you both made him feel part of the pregnancy or just treated it like your own.

I dislike men or women that play no part in their childs life but sometimes they do have to choice as the PWC ensures it is that way.

I would not for one second give PR to someone who has shown no interest in anything to do with the pregnancy at all!

As for those that have said about the conception giving him rights...erm no! If he had been interested, come to scans, discussed future contact etc, then i'd be the first to say give him the benefit of the doubt, but none of this has happened!

If he decides to step up, maybe OP will decide he can play a part in the child's life, but that is her decision.

Stick to your guns OP, he sounds like an arse!

If I was in the ops position, I would not put him on the birth certificate.

Sounds like a charm of a man, has he said he wants contact with baby ?

One thing he did say is that he would only pay something if it went into her personal bank account that only he would have access to.

He doesn't get that choice. He pays to you for the upkeep of the child, and if he doesn't do this willingly the CSA can be involved. Have a look at the CSA website.

As for the BC, make an appointment to register the child's birth and tell him when it is, in writing (text, email, etc). He has to be present to get his name on the birth certificate as you are unmarried. So he has his chance there. If he doesn't turn up, carry on and register the child, leaving his name off. If he then goes to court for PR, you have your evidence in writing that you gave him the chance to be on the BC.

I didn't think support payments for his child were optional. The same applies to him that when he had sex with you he should have thought that a baby would possibly be conceived and he would be financially 50% responsible.

He does sound like a part, but unfortunately he is the part who fathered your child so you both now have to deal with that.

I don't think that not going to scans is a negative thing really, there isn't anything he could do at a scan.

Birth certificates record the facts and the fact is, he is the child's father, like or no like.One day she may like to know it for herself.

As for the rest, he'll doubtless vanish out of your lives once he can't get his 'holiday'.

Was your new partner willing to stay away from scans so the ex could go? Have you both made him feel part of the pregnancy or just treated it like your own

Give the form to ur DP and tell ur ex to shove it up his nostril! Xxx