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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why ex is taking paternity leave?

286 replies

marleyandme2014 · 10/01/2014 21:59

Split with my ex shortly after finding out I was pregnant.

Not had much to do with him during the pregnancy - not once had him ask me if I needed anything for the baby etc which I feel is a bit off - however all of a sudden he is contacting me asking for my mat b1 form so that he can claim paternity leave!

I thought this was for fathers who would be spending their time with the newborn - not in this case though - he said quite blatantly that he wants to use the time to catch up with friends and buy a car.

So as not to drip feed, I am with my long term partner again now - pregnancy with ex not planned of course but me and my partner are very happy and he will be fully involved in her care and upbringing. We will be getting married in the summer.

AIBU in thinking he is unreasonable, or is this OK?

OP posts:
Original poster
marleyandme2014 · 10/01/2014 22:28

Just to clarify - I have told him I wouldn't be giving him the form.

OP posts:
Casmama · 10/01/2014 22:29

Don't contact his employers but don't give him the form either.
It is not actually any of his employers business that you are not together but I wouldn't be facilitating his time off.

Casmama · 10/01/2014 22:30

Sorry xposts

IrisWildthyme · 10/01/2014 22:32

YANBU - the cheek of the man! Definitely do not co-operate with this request. It's basically him trying to commit fraud.

fedup21 · 10/01/2014 22:34

Ah, good. Isn't that the end of the conversation though? You say no, so it doesn't happen? I hardly think him telling you he's going to buy a new car with his week off, will sway you?!

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/01/2014 22:40

Does he want to be a part of his baby's life?

I don't really understand what's gone on here.

MollyHooper · 10/01/2014 22:40

What a scumbag.

Ignore any contact with him that isn't about seeing/hearing about the well being of/paying for his child.

Original poster
marleyandme2014 · 10/01/2014 22:42

Yes it is the end I suppose - nothing he can do about it.

It just annoyed me and made me doubt myself (I wondered whether I was just being a bitch in telling him no even though I had good reason).

He really is just one of those people who turns the tables to make it seem like he is the innocent and I am the one in the wrong.

Also, it bothers me that he asked me to lie / help him commit fraud to his employer - and when I asked him about this he said they know all about the situation anyway (which i doubt) and then he laughed because I mentioned the word fraud.

OP posts:
MollyHooper · 10/01/2014 22:47

Stop doubting yourself with it comes to him, your instincts are spot on. Now is the time to set clear boundaries.

Enjoy your baby, take care of yourself and congratulations. :)

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 10/01/2014 22:51

Don't give him the mat b1 and DO NOT put him on the birth certificate. If you do he will automatically get parental responsibilities.

ikeaismylocal · 10/01/2014 22:55

Maybe he will surprise you and want to be there for his child's first few days.

DO NOT put him on the birth certificate. If you do he will automatically get parental responsibilities.

But he is the child's father, regardless of who op is marrying, he deserves parental responsibilities.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 10/01/2014 22:56

taking the piss much?! how long have you and OH been together?

Original poster
marleyandme2014 · 10/01/2014 23:02

He has already demanded he be put on the birth certificate along with a DNA test (why he wants this I don't know).

Me and OH (who thankfully is amazing) have been together for 6 years. We had a break for 6 months or so during which time I met ex & became pregnant.

OP posts:
footballmum · 10/01/2014 23:04

The law says he must be married to or living with the baby's mother to qualify for paternity leave so your DP can take it but he can't Grin

softlysoftly · 10/01/2014 23:05

I don't agree with not on the birth certificate that isn't for you it's for the baby to know their history.

softlysoftly · 10/01/2014 23:06

But I would consider formalising his no contact choice and agreeing to DH adopting, is that a possibility?

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 10/01/2014 23:09

ah was just nosy being curious! ex sounds like a prick who needs to grow up and isn't he sort of contradicting himself by demanding to be named on the birth certificate and then implying that he thinks he might not be the father? anyway, if he's adamant about the DNA test, hope he's prepared to pay for it, they're not exactly cheap! Also sounds like you and your dp have a strong relationship so hopefully you'll have plenty of support in dealing with twatty ex!

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/01/2014 23:10

Ah I see. Sorry, I wasn't being deliberately obtuse.

If it is a case of him just being a general scumbag then tell him to fuck off.

If he does genuinely want to be a part of the baby's life, it seems unkind to refuse to allow him that.

I don't get the impression he is genuine though.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 10/01/2014 23:11

softly if he's not planning on being an involved father, why the hell should he have parental responsibilities? It could enable him to make things difficult for OP later on. There's no reason her dd can't know who her dad is without it being on record.

softlysoftly · 10/01/2014 23:19

What if (god forbid) op passed without her dc knowing who the father was?

My DSis is only half sis Dad took her on from birth, she was never interested in her bio dad but lost a child which at the time (before they found out it was gbss) could have needed genetic background.

If DM hadn't been there to name bio father that testing would have been impossible.

That is my only reason, purely functional.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 10/01/2014 23:24

yeah I see your point softly.

fifi669 · 10/01/2014 23:26

I put ex on the birth certificate as I felt very strongly that although he left while I was pregnant and was a general dick, that DS needed to know the name of his bio dad and not unknown.

I also wanted to provide some legitimacy to the whole thing as his ex refused to acknowledge DS or let him meet his siblings.

Now DS is 3 and ex has nothing to do with him. I have the constant shadow that he could come back in slot easier with PR. He can make life and death decisions. My DP that has raised him from 6 months would be powerless to stop him. It terrifies me. Worst thing I ever did.

BerylStreep · 10/01/2014 23:29

I definitely wouldn't name on birth certificate. If he is that interested, he can pursue a claim for parental responsibility himself, along with all the responsibility that entails.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 10/01/2014 23:31

fifi how horrible for you. clearly there are pros and cons to putting an 'absent' (is that the right word?) father on a birth certificate. I hope he never makes anything difficult for you and your family.

TalkativeJim · 10/01/2014 23:34

Don't put him on the birth certificate.

Entirely your choice. He doesn't even have the right to be there when you register, much less make any demands.

He sounds like a complete arse and a totally selfish fucker.

Let him get off his bum and claim PR himself if he can be bothered... whether he does this will tell you a lot!