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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why ex is taking paternity leave?

286 replies

marleyandme2014 · 10/01/2014 21:59

Split with my ex shortly after finding out I was pregnant.

Not had much to do with him during the pregnancy - not once had him ask me if I needed anything for the baby etc which I feel is a bit off - however all of a sudden he is contacting me asking for my mat b1 form so that he can claim paternity leave!

I thought this was for fathers who would be spending their time with the newborn - not in this case though - he said quite blatantly that he wants to use the time to catch up with friends and buy a car.

So as not to drip feed, I am with my long term partner again now - pregnancy with ex not planned of course but me and my partner are very happy and he will be fully involved in her care and upbringing. We will be getting married in the summer.

AIBU in thinking he is unreasonable, or is this OK?

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 11/01/2014 12:18

JohnnyBarthesI was born in 1959 and I'm the same, apart from my passport and probably my driving licence I can't recall ever producing mine. Possibly for life insurance? No idea and for most things a current passport is far better proof of identity than a paper birth certificate.

As for my son his certificate has 2 parents on it and apart from his first passport I can't recall us using it for anything. He didn't need it to open his first bank account. I can't remember if he had any children's savings accounts in his name but if he did and I'd had to produce a bc with only one name the "shame" would be mine not his.

Of course the person who should feel shame is really anyone who thinks a child should feel shame because of this.

ButICantaloupe · 11/01/2014 12:21

I worked in banking for 6 years superscrimper and I can honestly say I wouldn't have even looked at who the mother/father was on the birth certificate.

There really is no 'stigma'. There are a number of reasons a persons 'father' may not be listed on the birth certificate.

SuperScrimper · 11/01/2014 12:23

Yes, but I can see from his point of view. He meets a girl, she tells him she broke up with her Ex, he can't have children. She gets pg by him and then is suddenly back with her Ex playing happy families. If it were me a very large part of me would be thinking 'oh my God, wtf just happened here?!'.

Plus men really don't bond with a baby until its born. Studies have been done even with committed husbands and it was definitely true of mine. Plus if he's feeling like he has been used to provide another man with a child he's probably not going to volunteer to buy nursery furniture as well?!

When the baby comes he needs a chance to bond and then show what type of Father he will be.

SuperScrimper · 11/01/2014 12:25

I'm in Scotland btw. So we don't have short form birth certificates.

In the last month I have produced my child's BC once to open them a savings account and to register my other child for nursery. Both times the BC was asked for and I only had the long certificate I could produce.

Caitlin17 · 11/01/2014 12:25

ButICantaloupe indeed, many reasons, and nobody's business. There are women brave and strong enough to carry through with pregnancies resulting from rape.

Caitlin17 · 11/01/2014 12:27

Superscrimper I was born in and am still in Scotland and yes we do.I have a short form and a long form certificate.

Original poster
marleyandme2014 · 11/01/2014 12:28

I did not use this man for his sperm.

If me and my partner wanted to have a child when we were previously together we would have gone through proper channels, IVF, or a real sperm donor if need be.

There is no way I would choose this situation - no way at all. I will be spending the rest of my life worrying what he could or might do - In fact I have spent my entire pregnancy stressed and worried about this man - as I said, he is not a nice person.

So no, this was not done deliberately.

OP posts:
ButICantaloupe · 11/01/2014 12:28

Caitlin that was certainly one of the reasons I was thinking of when I posted.

Caitlin17 · 11/01/2014 12:39

The short form certificate is issued free of charge by registrars in all parts of the UK when the birth is registered. If you want the full certificate you actually have to pay for it. If you want a copy you can choose which you want if it matters.

The short form is acceptable for anything where you might need it.

BerylStreep · 11/01/2014 12:40

If you are getting married in the summer anyway, I'd be doing my best to get a quickie slot at the registry office before the baby appears. You can still have the big wedding in the summer.

I have a close friend who is being dragged through the courts by her ex who wants PR. He is only doing it to harass her further. I certainly wouldn't hand that among of control to him on a plate.

whatever5 · 11/01/2014 12:48

I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate as this will give him the opportunity to interfere in your child's life just for the sake of it. If he wants parental responsibility he can make an effort and apply for it through the courts.

SuperScrimper- There really is no stigma nowadays with not having your father's name on the birth certificate. DH didn't know his father and while it was a big deal in the 1960s and '70s it's not an issue today.

SuperScrimper · 11/01/2014 13:11

I had a baby in July and I didn't get a short form BC for him. I paid £1 a got a full certificate and has a piece of paper to take to get a NHS card but I didn't think that was a short form. It certainly doesn't look like the one I have for me (I was born in England).

SuperScrimper · 11/01/2014 13:11

That should be £10

maddy68 · 11/01/2014 13:12

Do not put him on the birth certificate. You are due in 2 days time. When I had my daughter the registra was actually in tHg hospital and I registered her within hours of her birth, when I had my son I did it the week I came out of hospital

Do it as soon as possible,possibly before he even finds out he has a baby. Sounds sneaky but do it
Otherwise every holiday he can say no to, every other Xmas you can end up spending with out it.

Now being a fair person. He is the father and it's only right and proper than that he has reasonable access and your child should know who her father is but by keeping himself off the birth certificate you have control of the situation.

If he wants some parental responsibility the CSa will get involved and he will have to pay.

IneedAsockamnesty · 11/01/2014 13:40

PR or the lack of it does not prevent maintenance being paid, or of the things a court looks at before awarding PR is if the dad does pay.

It's very very easy for loving committed fathers to get PR, it is not easy for shit ones to,

I went on ML in oct in the 10 months before that 42 of my clients were involved in court action with an ex for PR only 15 of the ex's involved were awarded it.

The op would not have any court costs to pay nor would her decision not to put him on the cert have any baring on a decision the reasons would obviously but not the step its self.any costs would be paid on application she cannot apply for him to have it via a court he would have to.

A birth certificate can be amended to include a fathers name at any time up to age 18 either by agreement from the mother or court order, it can't be amended to remove one unless its proven the named father is not. An adult can also have a father added.

Given that he has asked for a DNA test he could be committing an offence by putting his name down if he's not committing an offence then it's evidence of knobishness.

This neat little stealing sperm idea,where exactly does "I'm going to claim paternity pay to have a paid break but not going to use it for taking care of the baby" fit in?

Caitlin17 · 11/01/2014 14:45

scrimper you got the full one because you paid for it. You could have had the short one for nothing.

Caitlin17 · 11/01/2014 14:50

www.gro-scotland.gov.uk/regscot/registering-a-birth.html

If it really matters, this confirms what is issued by the registrar. The full certificate is optional.

MakingEveryDayCount · 11/01/2014 15:14

I don't want to put him on the BC as I don't really know him that well

BohemianGirl Oh dear God. I cant say what I'm thinking.

Probably the exact same thing as me, Bohemian Girl! Smile must sit on hands

bubblebabeuk · 11/01/2014 16:39

I wouldnt put him on the BC.

FanFuckingTastic · 11/01/2014 16:46

In a similar situation, didn't know DDs dad well enough to put his name on the BC, so decided to not bother and let him pursue parental responsibility if he so wished.

People might want to say horrible things about being in that situation, but it's only preaching to people who can't actually change their position now they are in it, and as such would be pointless given the subject of the post since it's off topic and judgmental into the bargain.

And you've made the correct decision regarding paternal leave, just keep going on doing what you are doing, deny him the rights of a parent while he isn't acting like a parent, and don't let him pressure you into committing fraud essentially.

foreverondiet · 11/01/2014 18:44

Omg - give the form to your oh and not your ex!

foreverondiet · 11/01/2014 18:52

Will he be paying maintenance? If you aren't going to pursue maintenance could you put your oh name on birth cert? Or have your oh adopt later (esp relevant than your oh can't have children - perhaps it was just support to work out this way!)

IneedAsockamnesty · 11/01/2014 22:51

Forever, naming her oh would be an offence

softlysoftly · 11/01/2014 23:18

I think you should give him chance to be involved once baby is here. He hasn't actually said he wants no involvement and his "payment into her account" and "I want a DNA" makes it sound like he'd give money to his child but doesn't trust you.

Given the situation I can't actually blame him.

Maybe he will turn out to be useless and in a few months you can all quietly go your separate ways but he has to be given the chance.

CAVEAT

If he was abusive I take all the above back, you say yousplit due to his behaviour, but what does that mean?

Picturesinthefirelight · 11/01/2014 23:23

You can't give the matb1 firm anyway - that's for you to give to your employer.

Men don't need them they just have to sign a declaration which includes signing to say they are taking time off to help care for the mother and/or child