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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why ex is taking paternity leave?

286 replies

marleyandme2014 · 10/01/2014 21:59

Split with my ex shortly after finding out I was pregnant.

Not had much to do with him during the pregnancy - not once had him ask me if I needed anything for the baby etc which I feel is a bit off - however all of a sudden he is contacting me asking for my mat b1 form so that he can claim paternity leave!

I thought this was for fathers who would be spending their time with the newborn - not in this case though - he said quite blatantly that he wants to use the time to catch up with friends and buy a car.

So as not to drip feed, I am with my long term partner again now - pregnancy with ex not planned of course but me and my partner are very happy and he will be fully involved in her care and upbringing. We will be getting married in the summer.

AIBU in thinking he is unreasonable, or is this OK?

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 10/01/2014 23:36

Oh and I'd most definitely call HR at his work, all innocent like, and explain the situation and ask for clarification that they all thought it was ok and were expecting him to claim paternity leave to get some time in with his mates.

He fully deserves to get in a heap of trouble, dishonest little scrote.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 10/01/2014 23:36

Of course if he proves himself he could go on the birth certificate.

However the op has been pregnant for around 29+ weeks and not once has he tried to make it for a scan or an antenatal appointment or offered to buy the baby anything for his/her arrival.

The first time the op hears from him is to get a mat b1 form to have a jolly.

To me that don't seem like he is interested in the baby

Casmama · 10/01/2014 23:38

I really wouldn't phone his work- you aren't giving him the form anyway so why antagonise him.

splasheeny · 10/01/2014 23:42

Cheeky bugger.

Tell him to piss off until he is man enough to be a father.

Thebluedog · 10/01/2014 23:45

Even if your dp is still ployef and takes the 2 weeks off without pay? With that Mat B form he can claim paternity pay via his tax form.

Tell your ex to 'do one'

Oldraver · 10/01/2014 23:45

The father would need to turn up to be on the certificate...doesn't sound like this tosser would bother.

The space for father is left blank if he doesn't turn up.

Thebluedog · 10/01/2014 23:45

Self employed.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 10/01/2014 23:48

Even if you were together his employers would have no right to ask for that form.

PortofinoRevisited · 10/01/2014 23:53

Um - this is the father of the child! What are you sorting re. contact and maintenance payments?

Shenanagins · 11/01/2014 00:04

He could apply for a passport for the child if he is on the birth certificate.

jacks365 · 11/01/2014 00:18

Do not put on birth certificate. If you do the following all apply:

He has the right to take the child out of school or nursery and they can not refuse.

You need his permission to take your child abroad for a holiday or day trip and his permission for any school trips abroad.

He has the right to full involvement in decisions re health, school religion .

He can apply for a passport for your child.

But on the plus side the advantages for you are:

None.

Re your child knowing his fathers name in the future you can have it added to your childs medical records and you can lodge a record with your solicitor in case anything happens to yourself.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 11/01/2014 00:25

What my friend did was get a scrap book and she did a book about her DD sperm doner ( 7 years on no involvement) she put pictures of him, his name DOB and last known address.

AveryJessup · 11/01/2014 00:34

The definition of chutzpah: murdering your parents and then pleading for clemency from the judge on the grounds that you're an orphan.

Your ex sounds like he has chutzpah in spades!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 11/01/2014 00:40

If you get married before the birth then any children are automatically assumed to be children of the marriage.

AveryJessup · 11/01/2014 00:40

The definition of chutzpah: murdering your parents and then pleading for clemency from the judge on the grounds that you're an orphan.

Your ex sounds like he has chutzpah in spades!

AveryJessup · 11/01/2014 00:40

The definition of chutzpah: murdering your parents and then pleading for clemency from the judge on the grounds that you're an orphan.

Your ex sounds like he has chutzpah in spades!

Original poster
marleyandme2014 · 11/01/2014 08:37

I don't want to put him on the BC as I don't really know him that well and I don't want him automatically having parental control over our lives.

He would probably apply through court for parental responsibility anyway just to make a point, which I know would be granted, so I am going to have to resign myself to the fact that this person will have a say in everything we do.

OP posts:
ikeaismylocal · 11/01/2014 08:50

so I am going to have to resign myself to the fact that this person will have a say in everything we do.

He deserves to have a say in everything his child does, you made that decision when you had sex with him.

Novelsituation · 11/01/2014 08:56

No, of course you didn't make that decision when you had sex with him. Bollocks to that. Just focus on the welfare of your baby and ignore this deadbeat who wanted you to commit fraud on his behalf.

BohemianGirl · 11/01/2014 08:57

I don't want to put him on the BC as I don't really know him that well

Oh dear God. I cant say what I'm thinking.

Novelsituation · 11/01/2014 08:58

Resign yourself to nothing. Take control. If you think it will cause future problems for your child / you, then leave him off the certificate. You owe him nothing. I agree completely with jacks

BruthasTortoise · 11/01/2014 09:02

YANBU about the MatB1 / paternity leave. YABU about the birth cert - he sounds like he's going to be involved with the child, he is his/her father and it makes no sense to leave him off if he's going to apply for PR anyway.

JohnnyBarthes · 11/01/2014 09:05

Have you actually asked him to come to scans? I don't see the point in him attending classes as he's not going to be at the birth or live with you.

You don't need anything for the baby - it's not born yet.

You have a partner to help you if you need it

So what actually hasn't your baby's biological done? Or rather, what should he have done?

Caitlin17 · 11/01/2014 09:10

You'd need to check this but decades ago when I did family law in Scotland pater est quem nuptial demonstrat applied. As someone said , if you are married your husband is assumed to be the father. Not sure if that definitely applies here but worth a thought?

Re ex being on birth certificate, I agree, no reason to agree.

Re paternity leave, it depends on the employer but my firm does pay full pay for 2 weeks but that is contractual. I think they'd be very displeased if someone took their money in his situation and would probably be a serious disciplinary matter if we found out it was just a holiday.

Tweasels · 11/01/2014 09:10

You are right not to give him the MatB1 but I'm not sure you can decide that he has nothing to do with his child. You are an adult and need to have a conversation with him about what kind of access he wants and how you will administer (for want of a better word) this.

He for whatever reason has doubts about it being his child. This does not at all excuse his behaviour, he sounds like a cock but it may go someway to explain his behaviour as to why he hasn't been involved in the pregnancy.

At what point in the pregnancy did you get back with your DP?

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