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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why ex is taking paternity leave?

286 replies

marleyandme2014 · 10/01/2014 21:59

Split with my ex shortly after finding out I was pregnant.

Not had much to do with him during the pregnancy - not once had him ask me if I needed anything for the baby etc which I feel is a bit off - however all of a sudden he is contacting me asking for my mat b1 form so that he can claim paternity leave!

I thought this was for fathers who would be spending their time with the newborn - not in this case though - he said quite blatantly that he wants to use the time to catch up with friends and buy a car.

So as not to drip feed, I am with my long term partner again now - pregnancy with ex not planned of course but me and my partner are very happy and he will be fully involved in her care and upbringing. We will be getting married in the summer.

AIBU in thinking he is unreasonable, or is this OK?

OP posts:
Mellowandfruitful · 12/01/2014 19:46

HappyMummy I'd have to disagree with the notion of 'true parents' you mentioned. If the partner is doing the hard graft of parenting day in day out then he is more of a father than the person only there for conception and who is only interested in his 'rights' and benefits in relation to the child.

OP, I'm glad you've said you are not putting him on the BC - personally I disagree with the option of telling him when the appt is: I'd do what someone suggested upthread and get the baby registered asap, if possible while you are in hospital, and just leave the father's name blank. This does not prevent the ex from having a relationship with his child, it just means he has to do some work towards it, which frankly he ought to.

JohnnyBarthes · 12/01/2014 20:23

I can't help but read this thread as if I was a friend of the bio father rather than the mother.

My friends aren't wankers so clearly I'd have theirs and the baby's interests at heart.

I would be advising the father to put a regular sum aside for his child. The mother (bearing in mind she has a partner who wants to be the dad) doesn't need the cash. I'd advise him to play entirely by the rules, which would include having as much time as possible off work to spend time with his new baby but with the caveat that there's way more to parenthood than birth and babyhood.

My main thing would be to think long term.

KristinaM · 12/01/2014 20:31

I don't understand your comment that the mother doesn't need the cash. That's hardly the point. It's his RESPONSIBILITY to jointly support child.

He should Be contributing to all the costs of raising a child -housing, feeding, clothing, transporting, clubs, hobbies, presents , childcare , sports, saving for their education etc. All costs paid by the parent with residence.

I am assuming the as a NRP he will also be paying for gifts that he gives to the child and holidays that he takes them on

DizzyZebra · 12/01/2014 20:43

The playing god comments are hysterical. She isnt playing god. Shes protecting her childS best interests.

I am going to assume those of you making such comments have never been on the receiving end of some of the nastier sides of "exercising parental responsibility" including stalking and removing the child against your will.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 12/01/2014 20:47

Theres a mumsnetter who had the agony of having her child taken by the father out of nursery without her knowledge, they had the child 3 days and wouldnt allow the child to speak to her, the child is 3 and being cruelly kept away from his mother. She split from the childs father for his behaviour. Im sure OP has reasons to be concerned over him having PR.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 12/01/2014 21:02

If DP wants to be the father to this child, then get married before it is born. Sorted.

FryOneFatManic · 12/01/2014 21:04

baby is due in a couple of days so no time to get married to DP before then, if I read the thread right.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 12/01/2014 21:09

You used to be able to get married quickly by special license, in the days when the baby had 'father unknown' put on the certificate, otherwise. Is that still possible?

Chunderella · 12/01/2014 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springadorspringybum · 12/01/2014 22:01

ffv

JohnnyBarthes · 12/01/2014 22:01

fwiw 'father unknown' doesn't feature on my birth certificate (issued 1972). Did it ever, in the 20th century?

JohnnyBarthes · 12/01/2014 22:05

KristinaM ordinarily that would be my position too. This is a fairly unusual situation though, imo.

Putting money aside for the child would be a better use than subbing the mother and non-bio father, assuming they're not broke and the baby isn't about to go without, that is.

Thatisall · 12/01/2014 22:11

OP the way you deal with this will set the tone for the way that you interact with this man for the next 18 years! You need to remain cordial but don't be a push over and don't let him take the piss and use your baby for his own gain. Paternity leave is for men to bond with their baby and support the mother. If he's prepared to change nappies and help with night feeds, give you a break etc then fine. If he just wants to do his own thing, he should use his own holiday entitlement. What a prick he sounds!

kinkyfuckery · 12/01/2014 22:14

So you're not planning on putting him on birth certificate but are still willing to hit him up for maintenance?

Are you planning on telling your child that your DH is not his/her father?

Caitlin17 · 12/01/2014 22:16

Birth Certificates in the UK do not say "father unknown".It's just left blank.

Thatisall · 12/01/2014 22:18

Mine says 'father not present'
Fwiw I was born in England in 1984

Dahlen · 12/01/2014 22:29

Taking everything on face value about him being a narcissistic alcoholic, let him take you to court for PR.

I can see the arguments presented from someone in his position - e.g. excluded because you want to play "happy families" with your DP. I would feel very sympathetic towards him if he's a genuine person. But I am choosing to believe your estimation of his character based on the fact that he has blatantly said he wants to use the paternity leave to catch up with friends and his continued refusal to discuss contact and maintenance. He sounds like an arse your baby does not need.

I would like to see PR being revoked much more often. Obviously it goes without saying that each case would have to be judged on its own merits, but in cases where dad has paid no maintenance for years and had little or no contact by his own choice, why the hell should he (or she if the genders are reversed) have as much say as the parent who is doing all the hard work? Sadly, PR in this country is all about rights, not responsibilities. If it were about the latter we'd see prosecutions for non-payment of child support and abandonment.

Caitlin17 · 12/01/2014 22:35

Mine is simply blank . Scotland 1959.

BerylStreep · 12/01/2014 22:39

OP, to state the obvious, should you decide not to provide him with the opportunity to be present when the birth is registered (and personally, I don't think you should hand him rights over you and your child on a plate), then make sure you save any texts, e-mails etc you have had from him which make it clear that his only interest this far appears to be what he can get from the situation.

I have had to sit on my hands reading posts which have stated the op is playing 'God' or abusing authority by not wanting to name him on the birth cert. If he is that interested in getting parental responsibility, he can ask a court to award it.

Good luck with the impending birth.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/01/2014 23:04

Putting money aside for the child would be a better use than subbing the mother and non-bio father, assuming they're not broke and the baby isn't about to go without, that is

Under what circumstances is maintaining your child subbing the mother? And when is it ever more acceptable to negate doing so just so you can look like a generous person by handing a gift to an older child.

DizzyZebra · 13/01/2014 03:01

The other thing that putting him on the birth certificate risks is him claiming any benefits for the child. I do'nt know how much of an issue this would be for you. But if he is on the birth certificate he would have a right to a copy. He could then easily apply for benefits for her.

My ex neighbours daughter did this - Ex neighbour is main carer to her grandaughter. The daughter then randomly decided to inform the benefits office that her duahgter was living with her again and they switched payments over without even asking. Ex neighbour had to enlist the support of school and social services to prove that she was in fact still the main carer. It got sorted but has happened a couple of times and left Ex neighbour in terrible financial trouble as she is also disabled so relies on benefits.

If he isnt on the BC he cant do this and if he obtained it through court, with a court order it would be easier to sort out things like this.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/01/2014 06:43

Under what circumstances is maintaining your child subbing the mother?

When the RP shuts the NRP out of the child's life to play "happy families" with their DP.

TBF it does look like the OP is trying to shut the father out.

JohnnyBarthes · 13/01/2014 07:02

Exactly, Bony. I'm not saying that it's true, but putting myself in the shoes of a friend of the bio dad, I would think he was being taken for a ride.

fwiw I think OP ought to hold off getting any father named on the birth certificate for now.

JupiterGentlefly · 13/01/2014 07:06

Just trying to see how he won't discuss contact equates to shutting him out?

JupiterGentlefly · 13/01/2014 07:06

Just trying to see how he won't discuss contact equates to shutting him out?

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