To think this is an ok lunch for ds?

[Edenviolet]

Ds1 is 7.

He has some issues with food. Severe allergies to milk, eggs, shellfish and some nuts. He also detests having lunch at school, he hates the smell of the hot lunches and hates sitting near people eating anything that either smells strong or he is allergic to.
He also cannot abide having a lunch box and prefers a clear plastic bag as it "stays clean".

Before the holidays I was trying really hard to tempt him with nice food, pasta salads, cous cous, fruit salad, different crisps etc etc and he was not eating his lunch and getting unwell and hungry every afternoon and getting stomach pains.

I asked him last week to tell me what he would eat and I'd get it if he promised to eat all of his lunch every day. He told me a few things he will eat and I made his lunch last night:

A small bottle of water
A packet of ready salted crisps
Few slices of cucumber
Small apple
2 fruit shortcake biscuits
Alpro chocolate milkshake

Dsis was at my house, she took one look at ds lunch and said "what is that? If that's his lunch its appalling"

I didn't think it was too bad ? He eats a decent breakfast every day either porridge made with soya milk, potato cakes or tea cakes and a drink of water. I just want him to eat some lunch at school.

Sounds like you put lots of effort into getting your son to eat a balenced diet so I would trust your judgement. Your sister shouldn't have passed comment - it would have been much more supportive to offer you some sympathy that between his allergies and phobias, you have a difficult time.

My son has type 1 diabetes which has really thrown how I would have catered for him. Fortunately he is a good eater but I can't use the 'eat it or go hungry option' my mum brought us up with as I can't have him going hypo with no food. Sadly, we can't only be the type of parents we wanted to be - our children also shape how we have to parent and all you're doing is responding to your sons needs.

Soup I can explain.
I can eat a freshly made sandwich, when I struggle to eat a packed lunch one.

Firstly, when it's been made, the fillings sort of soak into the bread. The outside of the bread has also gone stiff. Then there's the smell. You unwrap it, and the smell of old sandwich hits you.
It's slightly warmed from being out.
Plus at school dinners, there's everyone elses smell of lunch, plus the school dinners cooking... the whole smell puts you off eating.
Then you've got the pressure of eating it. Dinner ladies who say "you need to eat a bit more", the friend opposite who says "why aren't you eating? can I have it?" You've worried about eating all morning, are hungry, yet can't eat.
The sound and sight of other people eating, dropping food, spilling drinks...

I have struggled with this all my life. I don't enjoy eating with other people. And I particularly hate packed sandwiches. It does make me physically vomit at worst, and I spent many a school lunch time retching over the toilet after eating.

At secondary after a bit I started having school dinners, and that was much better.

Soup I can explain

But you aren't the OPs DS.

This sounds psychological more than anything else and I would think the bigger picture of addressing these problems is more pressing than the actual lunch bag issue itself.

I think you probably know it's not the best lunch, but clearly there are confounding issues which make providing a better one, a little bit difficult.

Clearly he will eat a chicken sandwich, so why not at lunchtime?

I think there are some other things you need to consider here.

Why does your sister feel entitled to judge you? How rude! You are doing the best you can in a difficult situation and the lunch included fruit and veg. Also it's one meal and will be balanced by what he eats at home.

Plus at school dinners, there's everyone elses smell of lunch, plus the school dinners cooking... the whole smell puts you off eating

but then he wouldn't eat anything then would her?

How is warm cucumber ok? I would think that given that cucumber is generally eaten cold, that warm cucumber is worse then a warm sandwich

DeWe. I was considering replying to Soup, but couldn't formulate properly why I hate homemade sandwiches, but love them fresh or store bought. But you have summed it up exactly. The slight sogginess of the bread, the smell, the clagginess (SP?!) when you try and eat it, it makes me physically sick too.

If your ds can eat a sandwich you have made for lunch later in the the way home then it isn't about his sandwich at al.

I do understand the issues with the smells of other lunches, but this is an issue which needs addressing. This is goon to continue for his whole school life, otherwise, an there may well come a point where taking him home for lunch, or just eating crisps and biscuits is not tenable.

I would be a bit suspicious that he is unable to eat healthy foods because of the smell of lunches, but can manage to eat chocolate or crisps or biscuits. Surely he is either put off eating by the smells, or not?

His way, he gets to eat a lot more treats and junk than he would otherwise be given in a day, and still gets his sandwich when he is hungry. Your way he gets the healthy stuff and not so any treats.

I have a child with multiple food issues, and I know how had it can be to get a decent lunch sorted out. But I don't honk his suggestions are a workable way forward.

I'm agog at people who prefer a store bought sandwich to a homemade one.

Why is your bread getting soggy from the butter? I don't get it.

Sure, cucumber and tomatoes will make it wet, so pack those separately and add in when you need to eat, but a scraping of butter. Really?

He is 7 right? Is he very logical? If so, this might work:

Sit down with him and get a piece of paper and a pen. Split it into two columns: Good / Treat (or something similar that is perhaps not as emotive).

List the things he has said he will eat in the appropriate column.

Tell him he can choose 4 from the good column and 2 from the treat column each day for lunch.

Tell him each week he has to add 1 more item to each column until there is at least 8 in each column to choose from.

That way you are still giving him control, but ensuring that there is a little more balance in his lunch while also widening the amount of food he will eat.

If that's all he will eat at school, and is in danger of developing phobias relating to smells/other types of food at school, I would give him this.

To a large extent, he needs the calories if he is underweight more than he needs to get all his vitamins and nutrition from this one meal. If he has an ok breakfast and eats fine at tea, I would allow this.

It is sugary but so what?

It is more important that he does eat, that he has enough calories (yes optimally more protein), than that he doesn't eat anything.

I would get him comfortable with this and then in a few weeks, try adding one source of protein he can cope with and perhaps swapping the biscuits for rice cakes.

But, calories are important for growth and you don't get ill off eating slightly too much sugary food when young, unless it causes obseity which is not a danger here.

Go and check with a dietician if you like, but usually if there is any type of food aversion or phobia, they start with where the child is right now, not worrying about having a perfect diet.

I think I will persevere for a while and if after that things do not improve I will start bringing him home for lunch. From sep when dd2 starts there she will be coming home for lunch initially as is diabetic so I could just bring both home.

The writing lists of treats and healthy options and getting ds to choose sounds a good idea I will try that.

I would start bringing him home for the next four weeks.

After that I would start sending him with a pack lunch for one day a week and I'd do even more experimenting during this time to find two or three alternatives to some of the less healthy things - eg subbing bread sticks for the crisps, adding a bit more fruit and veg etc. I would also provide something like seven choices a day for him to pick 5 out of to go in his lunch, so you're giving him the control.

I'd run it at one day a week for the rest of the term, then see where you are at the end of next term in terms of is he eating enough that you can start to send him two days a week.

I really sympathise - DS eats the same thing for a pack lunch everyday:

crackers
slices of cheese
a small handful of grapes
A yogurt

And that's it! It's taken a lot of trial and error to get him to this point as well. And like you, I'm working hard at extending his food at home but am really not fussed about doing this at school just yet.

Ignore your sister too!

I think BloominNora's idea is a good one.

I think in your position Op, I would be giving him what he will eat too. In his particular case, any calories are better than no calories at all.

Based on everything you have said I would just relax and not worry to much. If I have it correctly

You have tried to resolve the matter with the school
His Dr is aware
He eats nutritional food at every meal other than school ones
He will have diet additions if his allergies change in a controlled environment.
You feed him as soon as he gets home after school
You can evidence his food issues if required to do so.

So why fret? It sounds like your doing a sterling job in the environment you can control and if those efforts are working (he's not ill or underweight) then stress less.

The only thing I would think about is increasing the amount of the things you put in that he will eat so he has enough of a quantity to not be hungry in the few school hours after lunch.and tooth care.

At the end of the day a child who eats good nutritional food for both of his main meals a day (breakfast and dinner) and has enough of this food and is able to have healthy snacks at home is going to suffer no ill effects from a lunch like that.

Getting all excited about the contents of lunch boxes (when the child concerned is generally healthy and not a social care issue) is something that is done for show.

And tbh helpful suggestions from people who don't quite get the issues smack of superiority.

I agree with the "it's better that he eats all of a less-than-perfect-lunch than none of a balanced lunch" brigade. However, he is old enough to work with you to increase the range of items he will eat.

Get some of these mini bags to help with the packaging issue.

Establish a reward - e.g. a lego minifigure packet on Friday if you ate all your lunch every day this week. Get this established with the existing limited menu without variation for one or two weeks, then start making minor small changes and additions - make a list of healthy high-protein things you know he likes, and ask him to choose one item from that list, just give him 2 mouthfuls of it in one of these little bags. Work your way up from there.

Bring him home or speak to the school about him eating in an classroom and take something to him each day.

If you wrapped the food in tin foil and delivered it to him just before he is due to eat lunch would that help?

Your sister can sod off. You're doing what you can.

Are you getting any help dealing with his issues around food/eating? It sounds like you're doing a good job but there may some techniques he could learn to help manage his anxieties.

Would he drink a carton of plain milk rather than a chocolate milk? That would make a difference to sugar level.

And you could make it quite a lot of cucumber and Apple and perhaps generally give only one biscuit.

Then it would be ok imo.

Feel for you as this must be horrible.

I, like Sockreturningpixie am struggling to understand why the OP is being advised to try and change her DS's lunch by so many people.

If he is eating a balanced diet overall the OP is doing a great job in difficult circumstances. Why focus on making one meal balanced?

Managing her DS's anxiety is the most important thing the OP can do to support him. She's doing that by making the most challenging part of the day as manageable as possible for him.

OP, forget what other people think about your DS's lunch. You know what he eats at other times and the important thing is that he is able to eat something. If you try to make changes to please others you could end up making things far more difficult for him.

Ignore your DSis and carry on as you are, treating your DS as an individual.

Mim he's dairy allergic!

Exactly sock that's what I thought. Food allergies aside, lots of children that age are faddy, and won't eat certain things, or prefer to eat at home. I was one of them, so mum packed me a lunch of things I liked to eat .eg crisps, bread and butter slice of bread, dairylea triangle. I have no food issues whatsoever, I eat anything ANC everything

Tbh, if I just saw your packed lunch I would raise my eyebrows but if your son has issues I realise it's not easy. Mine has been a fussy eat as well and it can be frustrating with lots of little steps. I probably wouldn't put in the crips and milkshake though and try and find some alternative.

If ds is eating fine at home, and us otherwise healthy, leave it! Mabey gp and psychologist for food phobia if your that concerned!