AIBU to feel annoyed when it appears that a vaginal delivery is an "achievement"

[walkie]

Sorry for the rant, family member has just had second child, and other family members are repeating "amazing" "she did really well" "she only needed gas and air" "it only took X hours". I can't help wanting to say, well, I didn't exactly choose c-section & various other complications - I hate that this feels like somehow her natural delivery is more "worthy" than any other routes? There are no A*'s in childbirth (or have I missed something?)! (This is really just about me & how I feel - I know the most important thing is that mum & baby are safe & well.)

Well, maybe it was an achievement for her. That's not to say that not achieving a vaginal delivery is a bad thing. We all have different goals in life.

To be honest I think these are a set of natural responses people come out with at times like this. I don't even think half of them think about what they're saying before they speak. It's like when you tell someone you're pregnant and ask you if you know the sex of the baby yet. You respond 'oh it's a girl' and they go hysterically happy and congratulate you. They would have done exactly the same thing had you said 'boy' !!

My first was born by emergency section I was told what a shame I didn't do it properly. Sorry should we have died then?!

I chose a cs. Don't give a fig. Also had injection when I had my first filling last year and opted for sedation when I had a colonoscopy. Who really actually cares about this stuff? Apart from the alpha mums of course

They must have been happy and done the same when you had your baby. I've never known anyone to stick their nose up at someone having a baby by c-section in RL. I only read about it on here.

"Achieving a vaginal delivery"

And that just sums up who actually cares

For me a vaginal birth was a huge achievement. I was offered a c-section pre labour as my baby was measuring very large and I was extremely anxious about him getting stuck, I was also offered a c-section in labour when I wasn't progressing as quickly as I should.

I declined both and gave birth to 10 pound ds naturally in 3 pushes without any drugs ( at the pushing stage, I wanted to be clear heading when he came out)

I was bloody pround of myself for over coming my fearsand trusting my body.

I appreciate that for many women a vaginal birth is not an option, but that doesn't take away from my achievement. They have their own achievement of dealing with a c-section and the recovery afterwards.

As far as I'm concerned it really shouldn't matter how it comes out as long as both mum and baby are safe. That's the most important thing.

I have never met anyone in real life who cares hoe anyone else has given birth. I have met women who place a lot of importance on it themselves for their own experience but even then, they never seem to even have an opinion on how anyone else does it.

Bringing a new human in to the world IS an achievement, regardless of whether it was assisted by modern medicine / gas and air / caesarian.

After two straightforward vaginal births my last baby was emcs. I don't think there is anything quite like the feeling when a birth has gone well and you have done it all yourself. But you can't underestimate how traumatic it can be when there are complications. My youngest is six and I still wonder about his birth as I was under anaesthetic. It is just something you come to terms with. It just gets less important as your child grows. I think you are viewing it as a personal slight and you really shouldnt.

It is a sort of achievement, she got a baby out of it. It just isn't an achievement she can take any credit for. She was lucky enough to have had an uncomplicated delivery. Other people deliver vaginally but need episiotomy or forceps or whatever, or others need a CS. It should only matter that everyone comes out of it as healthy and untraumatised as possible.

I see what you mean and I certainly agree.

You could point out that in your life 'achievement' means rather more than the way you pushed out a baby...oh and before anyone asks yes, I've had two vaginal deliveries including a home birth.

I think I can understand where you're coming from as I felt similar when ds was born by emcs. I had written this ultra super duper detailed birth plan that I'd set my heart on and was distraught when it all went tits up as soon as I went into later. I felt that my body had let me and ds down and that if I'd done things differently (what, I've no idea) I'd have been able to give birth 'properly'. It didn't help when I returned to work at a local school and one staff member said something along the lines of, "Only wimps have cs; you've failed if you have a section." I didn't say anything but thought how much of a bitch she was - I had been saying that I'd needed an emcs and she came out with that .

Anyway, when I had dd I didn't bother with a birth plan and thought I'd go with the flow. It did feel like an achievement when I had a vaginal delivery because of what had gone before. I felt, for want of a better phrase, proud of myself.

So, in that respect, I think that, although I get where you're coming from, yab a bit u.

I know what you mean. My first labour included induction, repeated attempts at having an epidural (it was wrongly sited and didn't work), I was in labour for a day, in absolute agony, and it ended in am assisted delivery.

The second time round, I didn't feel the need to ask for an epidural, I was in the delivery ward for only 4 hours and didn't need to have an assisted delivery.

The one I want congratulations for enduring is much more the first than the second! Some of my friends who have had emergency C-Sections have had an awful tone, they need congratulations for getting through that too!

I think it's a poor choice of words really. I think every new mother should be congratulated, and it's great to avoid complications or surgery so it's natural to comment on it, but not something you have much control over so quite silly to imply people do.

People say weird things. I never got it when people said "you clever things" when we said I was pregnant. Is it meant to be ironic?

Try to be pleased for her. It's not a good thing to get annoyed about and the only person it hurts is you.

but surely if you go through any birth you get those types of comments - eg for a emcs you hear how well the new mum coped post op, how much the new mum dealt with during the birth and how brave she was, or planned cs often people talk about how it was the right choice and how well she coped with major surgery and a new born etc etc

I think any woman going through any birth has been through something remarkable and to remark on it is normal - just each one has it's own cliches.

ps don't see another woman's birth experience as any remark or slur on your own.

What pisses me off is how you aren't allowed to be proud of anything for fear of somehow making someone else feel bad. I couldn't give a fig how anyone gave birth etc.

YANBU. I don't understand why anyone would take credit for not needing essential medical assistance. Women and babies used to die in childbirth far more often, when it wasn't available.

It's a tough one because nobody actively achieves a vaginal delivery through choice alone. Your baby has to be vaginally deliverable, your body has to structurally capable and a lot of permutations all have to work together to enable it to happen. The fact that you have no real control over the fundamentals is more pressing for you if the decisions are taken completely out of your hands and you end up with a caesarean. You know that you actually can't choose a method of delivery because you've had that choice taken away completely. It's a stark reminder of what birth actually is.

At the same time, a woman who has just given birth has been through a massively emotional and physical time. Just different to the time experienced by a woman going through a cs.

I think any woman can feel personally proud of her own experiences and for any number of reasons. A woman who turns down stronger drugs and sticks with gas and air might feel justifiably proud of her resilience. Why not? A woman who has breastfed after a cs might feel proud of her ability to do so. Why not? The problem is when people start to compare.

My SIL can feel happy and amazed by her straightforward vaginal delivery and proud of her body being a perfect vessel for it. It IS brilliant. It isn't however, fair to say that my CS was an 'easy route to having a baby' (said to my face) because denigrating my experience doesn't do anything but cause hurt.

I think you are projecting your desire for a vaginal birth and it being snatched away onto your family member. Especially if your section was for your first/only child and even more so if it was (presumably) a crash section.

You have an equally great achievement as your relative. You both have brought children into this world. How they arrived is irrelevant. But in a day and age when more and more stories come out about medical intervention in labour, a vaginal delivery with no pain relief or just gas and air is seen as a holy grail to aspire to. And I think it's that attitude which needs to change.

It is extremely easy to cause offence when you had no intention of doing so. Ask yourself if you think any of your family members are deliberately saying anything to offend you ... if the answer is no, then just let it go.

Having a baby is an achievement and in my experience people say random nice things about new mums post-partum however the baby got out. None of these Are intended as a slur on anybody else and how their baby got out.