AIBU to feel annoyed when it appears that a vaginal delivery is an "achievement"

[walkie]

Sorry for the rant, family member has just had second child, and other family members are repeating "amazing" "she did really well" "she only needed gas and air" "it only took X hours". I can't help wanting to say, well, I didn't exactly choose c-section & various other complications - I hate that this feels like somehow her natural delivery is more "worthy" than any other routes? There are no A*'s in childbirth (or have I missed something?)! (This is really just about me & how I feel - I know the most important thing is that mum & baby are safe & well.)

Baking you won't let everyone down. Im sure they would rather know how you feel than have you struggle on in silence. Please tell someone if only that you'll probably feel like a weight has lifted just from getting it out

I know the most important thing is that mum & baby are safe & well

The thing is, that statement can upset some mothers in the same way you've been upset by what was said about your family member's birth experience. If you take it to extremes, you can never say anything positive about anything at all.

The reality is that, so long as it isn't a direct comparison to your own experience (eg she did so mush better than you! She is a real mother ), than is it safe to assume no offence was intended and any negative feelings are all down to how you feel.

Its all so personal isnt it, Baking your post sounds so sad, to put it into context, I am nearly 17 weeks pregnant with dc1 after three mc's/mmc's and I just pray to get to the point of giving birth, couldn't care less how it happens as long as there is a healthy baby at the end. A successful pregnancy seems like the biggest achievement in the world and miscarriage made me feel a total failure. There will always be something that isnt our fault to beat ourselves up with

Oh god not this again.

Congratulating someone on their birth is not a slight on someone else. People are so sensitive about this that soon no-one will ever say anything positive about childbirth for fear of offending someone else.

I had a drug free, vaginal delivery and I am proud of it.

I am just as proud of my SIL for delivering her child via CS.

One doesn't cancel the other out.

ilike

I was you 13 years ago. Thought I was a dismal failure. Please please please try not to waste precious time on this. It's hard enough looking after a newborn and you are doing your best.

I had a debrief 2 years after that birth, when I was pg with the second. Wish I'd done it sooner.

I'm glad you cam eon here though. Hopefully it helps a bit to hear other people have felt like this. Cry - admit you feel crap. It's OK.

I was very glad of my two c sections when, years later, I nursed a mother who had pushed so hard she had ruptured herself. C section mums will have much stronger bladders in later life. Pat yourself on the back for that, OP.

Oh

And my 13 year old is a hardy, healthy, wonderful boy to whom I am deeply bonded. It didn't come straightaway - I thought there was nothing special about me because I didn't have a vd and I bottle fed.

This is all a shock for everyone with a new baby, but I think it's especially hard to let go of the fantasy we might have had about our first delivery.

Baking, go for your debrief sooner rather than later. I still have nod from the birth of twins 21 months ago. First was a vaginal birth, second was a crash section (general anaesthetic). I agreed to it but after the event I couldn't remember anything. I couldn't picture what had happened or why I'd ended up with the section. I cried and cried in my debrief but felt so much better afterwards. The mw who did it was one of many who attended my labour. I was able to put the birth aspect of my recovery to one side once I understood how it had happened and why decisions were made so quickly.

I agree that everyone should be able to express their own feelings about their own births.

Back in the early years though, I would have also been very sensitive to the language used around birth. The fact that being drug free is even mentioned suggests that it is an achievement and that by extension having interventions is a failure.

Well being an 'outsider' I found that in the UK there is a very strong pressure to give birth natural and with no pain relief. Somehow it is seen by most as the 'right' way to things, as the golden standard to achieve.
Where I am coming from you would never hear that sort of comments, such as 'she did so well and didn't have anything else than g&a'. It wouldn't even be worth mentioning. The focus would be how well the mum is and how well the baby is. Not if the mum had managed to be some sort of super hero by not using pain relief .

I can see how that sort of comment can be so disenheRtibg for women who have had a cs etc... Because even if the comparison isn't clearly made (she did better than you with your cs) the underlying meaning is certainly there.

I've had three vaginal births, and I've never really felt like that in itself was an achievement.

My second one, I had no epidural, the baby weighed 9.5 lbs., and I pushed him out in 15 minutes. I will admit to feeling a bit like superwoman after that one, but I wouldn't judge woman who chose epidurals; I did with my other two. I was just impressed with myself for being able to tolerate the pain of childbirth. It wasn't really something I ever thought I could do or wanted to do. I would have had an epidural with him, except I slept through the early stages of labor and didn't wake up until the contractions were three minutes apart. By the time I got to the hospital, I was 8cm dilated, and they said it was too late.

I liked the chapter on childbirth in Caitlin Moran's book "How To Be A Woman"

You're all fucking mad. There's nothing amazing about stretching your fanny - but morphine and a mini-tummy tuck? Pheweeeeee no contest!

YANBU

I've had 3 relatively easy, quick vaginal births that don't deserve praise! It's luck. I've always felt my childbearing hips were made for birthing, in another era I would have had 16 babies like shelling peas.

It's shear luck. The genetic lottery or whatever. I agree it's not worthy of praise. I don't want to take anything away from women who feel heroic about pushing a baby through their vagina, though.

Who needs misogyny when women are so willing to be nasty to each other all by themselves.

Well said MrsDeVere

I think it is an achievement. I had 1 naturally with no drugs and it was the most horrific experience of my life - a sheer mind over pain strength of will and afterwards I was very proud of myself as I never imagined I had that capacity for suffering and willpower. I had the next two by c section as I had 4th degree tear with no. 1 and was quite traumatised by it. I don't regret an of my births, but no way could I consider I had an active role in my c sections so there was nothing to be proud of.

I could have written that myitchy - exactly the same for me :) I count my blessings for that.

However, I have congratulated my sister in a similar way - well done!, you did brilliantly etc... but for reasons that include - she had a horrific time with her first which ended in Emerg CS, later problems with her womb which came with a warning her womb could rupture during any further births. She was pretty much forced to deliver vaginally and was absolutely terrified - so I thought she deserved a little praise :)

It doesn't matter which way your baby enters the world imo, no way is superior to the other and the ultimate goal is to nourish and grow your baby and get them into the world safely.

Because even if the comparison isn't clearly made (she did better than you with your cs) the underlying meaning is certainly there.

Usually, it is only "certainly there" in the mind of the person who perceives it that way.

TBH, you shouldn't let how you brought the baby into the world overshadow the fact that you spent about 9 months growing it.

She did do well to be honest, but c sections are not the easiest thing either. I gave birth with my first ds gas and air and yes it hurt, but i have more fears of having a c section (i have to next time due to medical health problems etc) and I'm genuinly shitting it about that more than the natural birth! I'm proud of myself however I have my baby and so everyone else should be. I know it sounds cliche and cheesy but we should all be proud of each other as women for delivering babies, whatever method it is.

baking I had a crappy syntocinon induction that ended in EMCS. DD struggled to latch, had jaundice and was fitted with a shunt for 48 hours worth of IV antibiotics on delivery.

I mixed fed for two weeks before conceeding defeat when DH went back to work.

I felt I'd failed on both counts and that there was a 'missing link' between my pregnancy and actually becoming a mum. I was eventually diagnosed with severe PND when DD was 4 months old.

Please talk to someone about your feelings and don't feel you need to present some kind of superhuman face to the world if you're feeling rubbish. Be kind to yourself - you are the best mummy possible for your baby regardless of how they entered the world out where their feeds come from.

Don't feel under pressure to do the de-brief if you are not yet ready. I had one at about 5 months pp - there's no rush.

Sending you and unMumsnetty hugs.

Going back to the OP - perhaps it would be a start if HPs used less emotive language - failure to progress could become 'non-progression of labour' for instance.

This thread is bonkers!! I can honestly say I have never thought anyone's birth was more worthy than someone else's ffs, it's just bizarre people think this way! Competitive childbirth! I really have heard it all now.

Who cares how the birth happened? You don't go on holiday and talk about the flight do you? If the baby is happy and healthy that's all that matters, why should anyone comment about how it was born?

Anyone thinking the delivery makes any difference needs to get a grip