AIBU to feel annoyed when it appears that a vaginal delivery is an "achievement"

[walkie]

Sorry for the rant, family member has just had second child, and other family members are repeating "amazing" "she did really well" "she only needed gas and air" "it only took X hours". I can't help wanting to say, well, I didn't exactly choose c-section & various other complications - I hate that this feels like somehow her natural delivery is more "worthy" than any other routes? There are no A*'s in childbirth (or have I missed something?)! (This is really just about me & how I feel - I know the most important thing is that mum & baby are safe & well.)

She did well, you did well, everyone who gives birth does well whatever the circumstances or outcome because it is a demanding and difficult thing to do. There's not a finite amount of admiration to go round, so try not to feel as though people congratulating her in favour of you. I bet when you gave birth everyone praised you too, and I'm sure you wouldn't want anyone who had an 'easier' birth to feel as though that was to their detriment.

I understand your feelings walkie. I felt I had failed after having a C-section (especially when I read my notes which stated as reason for the section - "failure to progress")

Your family member's delivery was probably a mixture of good luck and her 'doing well' though but people naturally want to focus on the latter rather than dwell on how lucky she was to escape complications. IYSWIM

Our DC don't remember their birth - you're probably being a brilliant mum in the ways that matter to your DC.

As others have said, people can say the most clumsy things when congratulating the arrival of a baby. Personally I found it all a bit much, - especially the 'I hear there were no stitches? WELL DONE!!'

It didn't make me feel good, I can tell you.

Do have a little quiet rant about it by all means.

I "achieved" a syntocin induced delivery with no epidural. It was brutal and I ended up doing 6-10cm in 15mins and fitting from the shock (they had to call the crash team from A&E). Next time (if there is one) I hope I will "achieve" asking for an epidural in time to actually get one.

Giving birth in itself is a massive achievement, I don't see why people get caught up in the minor details, we made a baby and brought it into the world, go us!

I'm trying to decide whether to have an ELCS or VB under epidural (due to health conditions I have) and I'm definitely leaning towards the ELCS. In my eyes, it is the creating and incubating of the baby that is the achievement, not how it enters the world. C-sections are done for medical reasons and if anyone thinks being able to say they have had a VB is more important than making sure a mother, baby or both don't die due to complications then they are just crazy. All that matters to me is that my baby is born safely and I'm well enough to care for him.

I had an emcs 5 weeks ago.
I feel like I failed. I am massively emotionally in denial about it all.
Everyone told me and tells me how well I did and how fab I was.
But, I didnt. I was rubbish.
I couldnt feed the baby either, he was so sleepy from all the drugs he got during the two day labour that the hosp put him on a hypo policy and he had to be formula fed.
My body couldnt give birth to him, or feed him. 100 years ago we both would have died. We probably should have.

Baking are you ok?? Can you talk to someone about this?
congratulations by the way I hope you start to feel better about it soon

It almost feel like you can't share a positive birth story, for the fear of sounding smug and gloating.

Why are only negative birth stories allowed to shared.

Baking! Don't say that! You are both here and you are both deserve to be here! You're not rubbish you made that little baby boy. So the end was a bit tricky, so what! You had nine months of looking after him don't let a couple of days get you down. Everybody needs a hand at some point.

Having a healthy baby is an achievement in itself whatever way they came into the world. Focus on that. You obviously feel that you have 'failed' in having an EMCS but you must know rationally it was out of your control?

I did not choose to have a baby with a lethal abnormality who died as soon as she was born either but shit happens. I remember when a close family friend announced she was pregnant with a baby girl just a few weeks after we lost DD2. I seriously wanted to punch her face in. Very irrational but it passes! When other people get what we wanted but didn't get, getting a bit pissed off is entirely normal, just feel it, accept it was out of your control and let it pass.

I have now had 3 VBs and one C-section and I can honestly say I would have a c-section every time. My last birth was a VBAC (hospital refused me a c-section) and that was a major achievement for me as I was terrified my belly would split open, terrified that there was something wrong that had not been picked up like with DD2 and terrified because he was a big baby. I did it on my own (DH had to stay with other DCs), without a fuss, a few pushes and gas and air. I was on such a high that he was healthy and alive and so was I, I would have screamed it from the rooftops if I could . Never, ever doing it again though!

Baking Please don't go down the route that you have failed, because you haven't.

Enjoy your Baby because the birth is a just a way for a baby to get from the womb to your arms.

If you was going to Paris, does it really matter if you fly or take the euro tunnel. You are still going to get to Paris either way.

Getting through labour, whichever route, is am achievement!

Why shouldn't people think it was good that she had a vaginal delivery. I bet they had lots of sympathy for you for having to go through a c section. Do you not think it was good she didn't have one. Would you have preferred her to need one.

And some vaginal births require an awful lot of strength and involve a lot of pan. Why should she not be pleased with herself? I'm sure you had plenty of attention for going through surgery. Why begrudge her a pat on the back? I'm sure she wasn't being horrible about the way you gave birth. You are being the critical one. Not her.

baking I couldn't talk about my emcs for months I was so upset about it. Once some time has passed it might be a good idea to get a midwife to go through your notes with you so you can talk about what happened. I found this quite helpful, it confirmed what I thought had happened and that there was nothing I could have done differently, no-one did anything 'wrong', it was just one of those things. DS is now 2.5 and how he came into the world isn't important.

I know what you mean, OP, I'm totally with you.

My pet hate are Facebook or text birth announcements which feel the need to mention the fact it was drug free. I've seen a few of those.

Perhaps I feel annoyed as I ended up having an emcs. At the time I didn't care as I was just pleased it was over with, but since then I have noticed that some people really do feel it's a 'proper' birth if it's vaginal.

Baking, I was exactly the same. C-section and primary lactation failure, leading to me feeling like a total failure, going crazy telling my husband we should give the baby up for adoption to someone who could be a proper mother to him, ended up with a referral to PIPs (which might be an option for you? My nice HV referred me, and it was helpful).

Honestly, if I had the same time again, I would not give a thought to the method of delivery or spend two months in misery pumping increasingly tiny amounts of milk. I would enjoy the first weeks of my gorgeous son. Getting on for two years later, that is the only regret I have.

Yes, we would have died too, before modern medical techniques. I bloody love science.

Baking - it does not matter how you gave birth. Your hormones are all over the place still. I'm sure your lovely baby won't care a jot how they were born. You'll all just be delighted it ended so well. Congratulations on your new baby.

When I was asked of I felt cheated out of having a proper labour, I asked in return if she felt cheated out of having a pelvic floor.

baking, I had exactly the same experience 4 years ago with DD. Labour sort of fell apart and I ended up with an EMCS having had both an epidural and, in the end, a general anaesthetic. Due to all the drugs and sleepiness no doubt, DD didn't feed and/or I didn't produce enough milk (I still don't really know exactly as you can see). DD was born on a Wednesday and by the Saturday she was found to have a very high temperature and it turned out she was very dehydrated. I continued trying to feed her but had to express to do so. When that was unsuccessful the hospital insisted on formula. The almost-drunken expression on her face when she first got some formula still makes me a bit sad when I think about it.

Lots more things went wrong (with me rather than DD) after we were eventually discharged, but only a couple of months in and it was all ok. 4 years on, I only occasionally think about it.

What I do wish I had done was had a de-brief with the hospital about the birth and aftermath. I think knowing the reason why things happened/went wrong would have made a big difference to how I felt about it. So if you think it might help you to get things straight in your head, do contact them and ask for someone to go through your notes with you. I am fairly sure you are entitled to ask for that, but I am sure someone else on here will know better than me.

Most of all though, please try not to think of yourself as a failure. 100 years ago, many mothers and babies would have died during childbirth for all sorts of reasons. It is only a good thing they do not have to these days, and it really is something to celebrate, even if there will always be a tiny bit of us which would love to have had the lovely uncomplicated entirely natural birth we hoped for before reality took over.

And congratulations by the way!

Wow, thanks eveyone.
Regardless of my experiences, I love hearing positive birth stories and always tells women how amazing they have been.
I didnt get lots of "attention" for having surgery and neither did I want it.
I am meant to have a debrief in a couple of weeks at the hospital, but I cannot face it right now.
I am really struggling internally, but externally I am doing brilliantly, apparently. And I dont want to let everyone down by crying all the time again.

I think you're hearing things they're not saying. You have a healthy baby, you've achieved a birth (which, regardless of method, is a fucking amazing thing to do), and they're not talking about you when they congratulate someone else. Add to that the high level of daftness that accompanies most pregnancy/baby small talk and you really shouldn't take it to heart!

Birth is very individual, and as PP have said most of the factors that make things go as they do are out of anyone's control - there is no "right" way to it. The platitudes related to "healthy mother and baby" really are the ones that matter - who cares how you got there? And thank god for medical science - if my DD's birth had gone even slightly wrong I would have been in theatre having an EMCS like a shot.