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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel annoyed when it appears that a vaginal delivery is an "achievement"

264 replies

walkie · 06/01/2014 13:50

Sorry for the rant, family member has just had second child, and other family members are repeating "amazing" "she did really well" "she only needed gas and air" "it only took X hours". I can't help wanting to say, well, I didn't exactly choose c-section & various other complications - I hate that this feels like somehow her natural delivery is more "worthy" than any other routes? There are no A*'s in childbirth (or have I missed something?)! (This is really just about me & how I feel - I know the most important thing is that mum & baby are safe & well.)

OP posts:
ikeaismylocal · 06/01/2014 19:09

How should women feel about growing their children, birthing them, feeding them? Should we feel indifferent?

It is bloody amazing that women grow, birth and feed babies. Pregnancy, birth (no matter how you do it) and breastfeeding are all physically hard work, challenging, mentally draining. Should women sit demurely and not mention the time, effort, energy, they have put into pregnacy, birth and breastfeeding?

I learnt to ski a few years ago, it was physically hard work, I had to learn lots of new things, I had to have stamina to get up and go and practise lie in snow unable to get up every day. I was proud of myself for learning something new, I don't think everyone should/must learn to ski, I don't feel bad because I see kids who are much better at skiing than me, it is a personal aceivement. I see pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding as the same as learning to ski (but much harder!) there is no reason why I shouldn't personally, without judgement feel proud.

ilikebaking · 06/01/2014 19:12

My cousin just took to facebook to publicly condemn women who have epidurals as she has had two babies without, and her second was 10.2lb.
I do feel like it is a dig at me as I had every fucking drug going after being in active labour for 24 hours, strapped to a bed on my back.
I dont begrudge her births though, I am insanely jealous she has two wonderful experiences that she feels proud of. I just wish she wouldnt say epidurals are for weak, moany women who are not able to tough it out.
I know I ended up with an emcs because I dont work properly.
I strugfled to get pregnant, hated the pregnancy and the planned natural homebirth turned into the worst 4 days of my life.
I love it when a woman feels proud of her birth experience, regardless of the details, I just wish I could feel the same.
The surgeon who pulled ds out did tell me there was no way he would have been born naturally, at all, ever. That was meant to make me feel better, but it doesnt.
I didnt feel anything when I heard him cry or saw him. I wanted a general anaesthetic, but everyone kept telling me the spinal was better and to think of my DH.

Only1scoop · 06/01/2014 19:18

Ilikebaking that's awful....was your cousin pictured on fb with her 'no pain relief' birthing trophies and medals on display.

MerylStrop · 06/01/2014 19:20

Have you asked your cousin why she is a misogynist?

RedToothBrush · 06/01/2014 19:21

Ask her why it makes her feel better to condemn women who slightly make different choices to her?

Why does she feel the need to belittle women she already sees as weak as feels superior to?

Don't these women need support rather than criticism?

ilikebaking, is this woman really better than you when she thinks its ok to do this? She is ignorant and rude. You can't choose the birth you end up with, but you can choose whether to be a bitch about it.

SugarHut · 06/01/2014 19:21

ilikebaking

So what, she popped out two babies, in what she felt was a wonderful way and she's proud of it. Good for her. Having a birth like that, to me, would be my worst nightmare.

Let me tell you something though. Your birth plan clearly didn't go to plan, and I'm so sorry to hear that. But. (And it's a big but.) You were strapped to a bed, administered drug after drug, were in this state for 24 hours before being rushed to an operating theatre, had a serious procedure which saved your child's life (and I presume yours)....and you can't see how fucking proud you should be of yourself??? I don't know whether to hug you or slap you Wink

I can't imagine having the strength to go through that, even if you had no choice, you did it, and I can't tell you how in awe I am of someone who goes through something like that. Bet your bottom dollar I'd be a total wreck. Get your chin up woman. What you did was incredible, and you and DS are here because of what you mentally and physically endured. What you did was amazing.

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/01/2014 19:23

baking

That is insensitive of your cousin not just to you (I am sorry you are having a tough time at the moment) but to loads of other women.

It's one thing quietly saying "I'm quite proud I did it without pain relief" it's another to attack other women and their choices or indeed lack thereof depending on the situation.

ilikebaking · 06/01/2014 19:23

SugarHut, I am now crying even more.
I think slapping is appropriate!

RedToothBrush · 06/01/2014 19:24

You aren't allowed to hug on MN anyway Wink

SugarHut · 06/01/2014 19:25

FFS woman. I'm welling up too now. Get over here. We'll slap each other x x x

Toecheese · 06/01/2014 19:25

It was an achievement for me after first was an emergency C section. I was so chuffed

sherbetpips · 06/01/2014 19:26

Let it go, it was her birth not yours, the comments are for her.

BrickorCleat · 06/01/2014 19:26

Fucking bollocks.

I hope, should she ever need her appendix out, she won't let the side down by needing pai relief. Fully expect her to bite a leather strap, burn some lavender oil and listen to shake music.

This is such a wrong reaction to the safe arrival of a new life.

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/01/2014 19:26

Yeah Red, I'm pretty sure. IIRC, the phrase "too posh to push" was coined in regards to Victoria Beckham having an elective Caesarian and has since been used in by misogynist writers with column inches to fill. As for Kate Cambridge, she would have been applauded for the birth regardless as she had delivered an heir to the throne.

There are of course some bitter people out there who will be bitchy about women regardless of how they give birth, but there is certainly no culture of judging a woman on how she gives birth as the vast majority of people understand that it is a process unique to the individual pregnant woman.

BrickorCleat · 06/01/2014 19:26

Shake?? Whale!!

Only1scoop · 06/01/2014 19:28

Brick I'm glad you clarified ....thought you meant Shakin' Stevens Smile

NewtRipley · 06/01/2014 19:28

Toecheese

See my post above. Thinking about it, I believe would have had a better birth second time round no matter what (I nearly ended up with another EMCS) because I felt more in control, or at least aware of what was happening.

MerylStrop · 06/01/2014 19:29

It is fine to gush and wow about how marvellous to have had a natural delivery and how you must be hard as fucking nails really zen not to have had anything stronger than a whiff of bergamot oil to take the edge off. It's just chatter and it is nice to give props to a new mother.

But absolutely not fine for anyone to come through the whole experience and not be congratulated or made to feel like a hero HOWEVER the baby exited their body.

specialsubject · 06/01/2014 19:29

haven't read the whole thread, but I was also puzzled by a recent birth announcement '...to announce the drug and intervention-free birth of...'

well, that's nice. Some women need or want drugs and help, some don't; but no-one gets to choose if they will have a straightforward birth or need medical help. I really don't get this competitive childbirth thing.

the achievement is in giving a child a happy, loving and healthy childhood.

whatever5 · 06/01/2014 19:31

I think you're being oversensitive. I don't get all upset if someone says DH did well running a marathon just because I can barely walk a mile.

stargirl1701 · 06/01/2014 19:33

It's down to luck. If the baby is in a good position you're in luck. I had an easy, and yes, nice birth that wasn't painful but it was just luck. DC2 is likely to be the opposite!

NewtRipley · 06/01/2014 19:34

We certainly want to weed out all the 3 year olds then Grin

NewtRipley · 06/01/2014 19:34

Oh Jeez. Wrong thread

KareKare · 06/01/2014 19:35

I felt really proud of myself when I had a drug free labour. I felt empowered by the experience and was alarmingly euphoric. But I have never admitted that in rl, apart from to dh as I realise it was mostly down to luck, not any sort of prowess.

I probably would have felt equally marvellous and lucky however the baby got out.

ZenNudist · 06/01/2014 19:37

I think you are putting your own views onto your family. I'm sure no one was there thinking you were somehow inferior for having a section. Perhaps this is a sign you need to address your own feelings about your c-sec.

At the time you have birth your family probably said 'oh dear, poor OP' etc & were appropriately sympathetic.

I think c-secs are seen as easier by people in general and men or childless women might overlook the risk involved and the lengthy recovery time so you don't get the same 'credit' as compared to, say, a drug free vaginal delivery of whopping great dc. But that's not your problem. You can't change people's attitudes.

A lot of people, including those who had children a long time ago, have little interest in childbirth and no real view on the matter. So any comments are all just hot air. They feel obliged to say something. Don't get hung up on it.