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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not buy for sisters new partner's child ?

558 replies

SeptemberFlowers · 06/01/2014 13:48

My sister has been in a relationship for about a 18 months we aren't close as a rule. She will sometimes send a text to say hello and bit of chit chat every 4 months or so, I do as well. She has never once sent a birthday card or asked after the DC's.

Until last year.

We hadn't seen each other for a year or more but she asked if we met up for Christmas, so we did. She mentioned she had brought some token gifts for DC's (we have never expected any anyway).

Rewind 12 months and I met her boyfriend and his daughter. This has been the only time I met his daughter.

Fast forward to now and we meet up at Christmas, she brings the boyfriend. She gives the DC's their gift and say thank you. Her boyfriend looks at me a bit expectantly and I'm a bit confused by it (no gifts for adults usually) she is giving me equally expectant looks. I ask what for and was told "Nothing."

On the way home (met up at a pub) I get the following text.

"Both C and myself are quite disappointed you never brought a present for B (C's daughter) for Christmas, this comes across as a bit one sided and selfish to us both and I can only hope that you will think of your neice on Christmas day without a present from you and your family and feel shame."

Shock

I replied back "Are you serious ?!"

She hasn't replied since.

I hadn't even thought about it as I have only met the girl once and my sister doesn't even send presents or acknowledge her own neices and nephews !

DH thinks I should tell her do one Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
SeptemberFlowers · 06/01/2014 14:42

Daughter lives with her father 50:50 but I don't think that matters. He was the one to start the looks first and on reflection got very grumpy after I asked. Lots of big sighs and stares.

DH did ask if he had a problem as he'd slumped right in his seat and was just sighing lots. Looking back I think he was sulking.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeptemberFlowers · 06/01/2014 14:43

I might text her as I don't want to fall out over this.

OP posts:
StanleyLambchop · 06/01/2014 14:44

I am with Talkative Jim, that post was exactly what I was going to say. She has suddenly decided to buy presents after years of not bothering. I don't think she can automatically expect presents in return. YANBU.

MarysDressSways · 06/01/2014 14:46

Yanbu. Bit of a strange reaction from both of them to be honest!

Creamycoolerwithcream · 06/01/2014 14:51

Sounds like she's serious about her boyfriend and perhaps hoping your DC and her boyfriends child will become cousins.

Cranky01 · 06/01/2014 14:51

Yanbu! So after 10 years she starts to buy your dc's presents and expects one back. She is taking the piss! Her text was confrontational. I think I would text get back and ask her to dither justify her text, pointing out get stance on presents for the last 10 years

EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip · 06/01/2014 14:52

How old is your sisters partner?? What a man-child.

whoneedssleepanyway · 06/01/2014 14:52

I can't believe some of these comments.

The OP has met the child in question once and does not have a relationship with her. The OP's sister does not have a relationship with the OP's children. I get the impression that the OP didn't know that the boyfriend and his child would be there. Yes ok the OP could have got the child a present but her sister is being massively rude in being so tit for tat about presents especially when all we are talking about is a tube of smarties. I mean seriously the OP is unreasonable?

waltermittymissus · 06/01/2014 14:52

In the circumstances you describe I think YANBU.

He, however, sounds like a twat.

twoboyslater · 06/01/2014 14:54

At Christmas, I went with dp and dcs to dp's dad's. His sisters and their kids, his brother and his mom went too. After dinner, dp's dad and his wife went around the room and gave every adult and child a present, apart from my ds1. I assume this is because ds1 is not dp's biological child, despite dp raising him since he was 10 months old.
Having been in the situation of your sister's dp so recently, I can only tell you how empty, hurt, rejected, upset and god damn angry your lack of consideration has been. Don't try and justify your actions, what you did was purposely ignore his daughter, which would have made them both feel awful.
You were being very unreasonable to not even get her something small, and even more unreasonable to think that you and dh are right. You're not.

nauticant · 06/01/2014 14:54

Even the thickest skinned of people would have surely nipped upstairs and wrapped something up if the little girl had been standing there watching the other children get their gifts!

But of course, the child wasn't there. Also, if the OP had nipped upstairs and wrapped something up and handed it over, she could have been done for stealing from the owners of the pub.

Blithereens · 06/01/2014 14:58

Your sister's out of her damn mind and he sounds like a prize turnip. YANBU.

nauticant · 06/01/2014 14:59

Anyway OP, I'm definitely on your side because of this:

Both C and myself are ...

lymiemum · 06/01/2014 14:59

two boys
That is a completely different situation.

nilbyname · 06/01/2014 15:00

I think your sister has been grabby and that is something I despise.

However, knowing that she has initiated present giving, I would have given something small to the dad. More as a gesture of goodwill than anything else.

Best to take the high ground in these situations, I would ring and apologise and then establish that gifts (small) are being done from now on and how lovely we will all get to see a bit more of each other.

Her new bf sounds pretty awful given his behaviour though, so do you want to start new relations?

nilbyname · 06/01/2014 15:02

twoboy that's horrible and I would have left. Shame on your family.

Bit of a Different situation though!

twoboyslater · 06/01/2014 15:05

One of those moments where I should have read all posts instead of just page one. Either way, to be on the receiving end of it is a really horrible feeling. Call your sister, apologise for any upset caused, and make an effort to get something small (even a poundland tube of chocolates) to avoid the upset next year.

sykadelic15 · 06/01/2014 15:06

Well when she said she was bringing a "token present" I would have wondered what a "token present" meant and probably asked her for a $$ guideline... but I certainly wouldn't have thought tube of Smarties... let alone that they'd get in a huff that you hadn't bought his kid a tube of Smarties :S That's just weird.

I'd probably msg her and ask to meet up... the kind of conversation you don't have via text. I'd tell her that you're sorry she's upset but that you really didn't expect her to bring presents as she never has in the last 10 years of your children's lives. I'd also mention that you don't think of his child as your niece. You've met him twice, her once. Basically I'd harp on the fact that you've had kids for 10 years with no sign of interest from her so she shouldn't be upset with you for not knowing/realising the status quo was going to change.

Gunznroses · 06/01/2014 15:07

twoboys What a ridiculous post! Have even read the whole thread? The daughter wasn't even there and OP has only ever met her once! Her sister and her dp don't live together. I think you're too hasty to project your own hurt, your circumstances are nothing like what OP has described, they ARE right you are completely out of order!

DizzyZebra · 06/01/2014 15:08

Did you know in advance that they had bought gifts for your children? As i think the answer to that could make you more or less unreasonable.

She is being unreasonable for expecting you to see the child as your niece when you've met her once and her bf twice tbh.

BusWanker · 06/01/2014 15:12

Your sister sounds like a pain in the arse but if I was you I would have bought a gift for the little girl, even if it was only a tube of smarties.

mintberry · 06/01/2014 15:13

I agree a token gift would have been appropriate.

It sounds like they have been referring to you as her 'aunt' and so probably your DC as her 'cousins' so the little girl probably felt singled out amongst them. Your sister may not have bought for your DC in previous years but that isn't the little girls fault, and you knew she was bringing presents for yours this year.

magesticmallow · 06/01/2014 15:14

Totally different situation twoboys - totally different.

YANBU OP and you should tell your sister

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 06/01/2014 15:23

twoboys, you say you have been in the position of the OP's sister's DP recently.

So that would mean you

  • have only been in a relationship with your partner for less than two years
  • don't live with your partner (nor does your DC) so you don't live in a family unit and he isn't in a parental role
  • have only met your partner's family once, a year ago
  • appreciate that your partner has spent the last ten years not buying Christmas or birthday presents or even birthday cards for any of the children of the family you were visiting
  • didn't have your child (who has only met your partner's family once) with you
?

It's just that the situation you describe sounds quite different:

  • you're in a long-term relationship with your partner
  • you live together and he has helped to raise your child
  • you and your child know his family
  • your partner presumably hasn't spent the last decade being a stingy antisocial git and not giving anyone else presents
  • your child was there

I don't see how the two situations are equivalent or how the OP was "purposely ignoring" the daughter (who wasn't even there)? That's even assuming that the OP knew that the boyfriend was going to be there (it's unclear, but her OP sounds to me as though she was expecting to just see her sister).

2rebecca · 06/01/2014 15:23

If they want to see you as an "aunt" then why aren't they living together or getting married. This is the daughter of a boyfriend who you've met once, not a stepdaughter. The whole point of a marriage ceremony is to formalise the relationship.
I find it more unusual that your sister has never sent cards or presents to her real nieces before now.