to not buy for sisters new partner's child ?

[SeptemberFlowers]

My sister has been in a relationship for about a 18 months we aren't close as a rule. She will sometimes send a text to say hello and bit of chit chat every 4 months or so, I do as well. She has never once sent a birthday card or asked after the DC's.

Until last year.

We hadn't seen each other for a year or more but she asked if we met up for Christmas, so we did. She mentioned she had brought some token gifts for DC's (we have never expected any anyway).

Rewind 12 months and I met her boyfriend and his daughter. This has been the only time I met his daughter.

Fast forward to now and we meet up at Christmas, she brings the boyfriend. She gives the DC's their gift and say thank you. Her boyfriend looks at me a bit expectantly and I'm a bit confused by it (no gifts for adults usually) she is giving me equally expectant looks. I ask what for and was told "Nothing."

On the way home (met up at a pub) I get the following text.

"Both C and myself are quite disappointed you never brought a present for B (C's daughter) for Christmas, this comes across as a bit one sided and selfish to us both and I can only hope that you will think of your neice on Christmas day without a present from you and your family and feel shame."

I replied back "Are you serious ?!"

She hasn't replied since.

I hadn't even thought about it as I have only met the girl once and my sister doesn't even send presents or acknowledge her own neices and nephews !

DH thinks I should tell her do one

As far as im concerned you havent done anything wrong. His daughter wasnt at the xmas meet was she? It was sweet of your sis to buy a token gift but im sure she didnt do it to get something in return. I think it depends how serious their relationship is and whether she is playing a key role in the childs life.
I have a sibling with 2 children to different people with avariety of extra non bio kids. If I bought presents for them all I would be skint!!
How will the child know she didnt get a pressie if she wasnt there?

I think that is slightly different and I would have done the same, but I don't think this child would have known any different, especially as presents were not normally done from aunt to neices/nephews.

I hate that we live in a world where we think we HAVE to give because we have recieved, don't we give because we're nice and want this person to have the gift? not just because we have recieved something?

I've bought for people I haven't met - box of shortbread for BIL's parents - turned out that his DM is coelic but hey I'm sure it's the thought that counts.
I wouldn't have thought to buy a gift for my sisters boyfriends child ( if such a person existed) if I didn't think I was going to see them, if they arrived and she was there I would definitely have wrapped something up quickly.

Was the little girl present when your sister gave you the gifts for your dc ?

I always have a few wrapped up selection boxes in a cupboard for these sort of situations.

Doesn't sound that the girl was present at the meeting, nor even established that OP was expecting gifts this year for her kids from sister. Sister's text re 'niece' was OTT but sounds as if she's keen to reestablish a connection with OP.

Agree with most of the others about token gift for any child at Christmas, etc.

BUT

Your sister's absolutely insane text - 'hope you feel shame' - blows all that COMPLETELY out of the water.

Plus the fact that, until now, she's seen absolutely no need to acknowledge your children in the same way.

Put together the whole thing smacks of a not very mature and rather selfish person getting together with someone with a child and suddenly deciding that It's All Changed, altering HER behaviour, and then pulling up others with a patronising smuggery over behaviour she considered absolutely fine until HER situation changed.

And I think that your 'Are you serious?!' text was a pretty all-encompassing answer to everything that would leave your jaw hanging about the whole series of events.

Not so much 'are you serious' at the simple suggestion that you might have thought of bringing her boyfriend's child a gift.

Don't bother to get in touch with her. She's a knob!

His daughter wasn't with them when we saw them.

I don't think your sister is in a position to judge you for not buying a present for your 'niece' who you have met once! You said this is the first time she has actually bought presents for her niece and nephew - who are blood relatives and have been in her life longer -and never even sends a birthday card.
I think your sister and her dp were rude to expect a present for his child. Yes it would have been a nice gesture if you had got a token gift but they are overreacting.

YANBU.

Your sister is a div.

I would have bought a gift especially as your sis telling you she was bringing gifts seems to be her saying let's do gifts for the children this year.

For the sake of harmony, dont fall out. Tell her it never occurred to you, you didn't mean any offence. If I was you I'd then be expecting a proper apology from her for getting so worked up about it as her text was out of order.

She is not your niece, you have met her once, no present necessary. Yanbu

I don't see why every child that you are remotely linked to should be bought a present. It gets expensive and once you start it's much more difficult to stop.
It would seem your sister can suddenly join the 'family club' and has decided her own rules about what should/shouldn't be done. FWIW I wouldn't have bought her anything either.

I think YAbu it would not have cost much to get a small tub of chocolates.

I suppose I'm coming from the same page as Talkative and Yourusername. However some answers to some questions.

1. They don't live together

2. We weren't at my house and his daughter (sorry but I do not see her as my "neice".) was not there. Had she been and it was at my place then of course I would have found a token something at home if they were expecting it.

3. I have NEVER expected gifts off her to my DC, purely as she hasn't given any for the last 10 years !

It's the sudden change in attitude that has just got me a bit at her.

What givemeaclue and hippoesque say. Plus it doesn't even sound like the child lives with them so you're not very likely to see her again, I reckon.
They need to grow up.

I wouldnt of bought his child a present either, you dont know the child very well, the child isnt family.

My sister has a fella who has 6 year old, i ve met him around 10 times, i dont get him gifts. But my sister gets my daughter gifts.

When my sister has her own child, of course i will get gifts for the child.

My mother doesnt see this child as family either, never gets him gifts, nor is it expected.

Like someone else said, if I saw them regularly and we were all close then I would have without a thought and I would think of her as a neice then. But I've met her once and met her boyfriend twice.

I would have bought the child a token gift because it's a nice thing to do. Whether you buy a child a present should not depend on whether their parent buys your child a present. We always get my nephew birthday and Christmas presents even though his father (BIL) doesn't buy my children presents. It's not my nephews fault that his father doesn't bother.

That said, your sister shouldn't complain that you haven't bought her boyfriend's child a present considering that she didn't buy her own nephew and niece a present until recently.

Ohh well, I change my mind then, if she wasn't actually there! I misunderstood!

... and they don't even live together, so he's just her boyfriend.

YADNBU

Does the girl live with her father, and do they both live with your sister? To me you'd be perfectly justified in not thinking of her as your "niece" if they don't live in a family unit. Sounds like your sister wants to start showing the world how serious the relationship is, but has forgotten that her family are not mind readers. Her text is ridiculously OTT (she sounds like a real drama queen) and she needs a reminder of all the years that she did not buy for her own nieces and nephews.
But you can do it in a way that is dignified and keeps you on the moral high ground - just say "Sorry you feel that way Sis, since you never used to buy for my kids I didn't realise that you felt so strongly about gifts for nieces and nephews. Glad that things going so well with you and [Dave] that you are thinking of [girls's name] as a daughter to you. xx"

You've met her once, a year ago, and she wasn't even there on this occasion. No of course YWNBU to not have bought a gift.

Yanbu