to not buy for sisters new partner's child ?

[SeptemberFlowers]

My sister has been in a relationship for about a 18 months we aren't close as a rule. She will sometimes send a text to say hello and bit of chit chat every 4 months or so, I do as well. She has never once sent a birthday card or asked after the DC's.

Until last year.

We hadn't seen each other for a year or more but she asked if we met up for Christmas, so we did. She mentioned she had brought some token gifts for DC's (we have never expected any anyway).

Rewind 12 months and I met her boyfriend and his daughter. This has been the only time I met his daughter.

Fast forward to now and we meet up at Christmas, she brings the boyfriend. She gives the DC's their gift and say thank you. Her boyfriend looks at me a bit expectantly and I'm a bit confused by it (no gifts for adults usually) she is giving me equally expectant looks. I ask what for and was told "Nothing."

On the way home (met up at a pub) I get the following text.

"Both C and myself are quite disappointed you never brought a present for B (C's daughter) for Christmas, this comes across as a bit one sided and selfish to us both and I can only hope that you will think of your neice on Christmas day without a present from you and your family and feel shame."



I replied back "Are you serious ?!"

She hasn't replied since.

I hadn't even thought about it as I have only met the girl once and my sister doesn't even send presents or acknowledge her own neices and nephews !

DH thinks I should tell her do one

[givemeaclue]

The sister is not raising a step child, it is her boyfriends child, does not live with the sister, no relation to the op.

Who buys presents for siblings boyfriends kids they have met once very briefly?

[lottieandmia]

Twoboyslater - my god, that is awful. Your poor ds. How can grown adults be so cruel?

I think that in this case though, if the dd wasn't actually there then it is not so bad that you didn't buy something, OP so I've revised my opinion a little. It does sound as if you have a general issue with your sister though?

[Cranky01]

Sounds to me like your dsis let you know she was getting your dc's presents so you would buy her boyfriends dc one. Talk about about give to receive

[JapaneseMargaret]

YANBU, and there are some hysterical posts on this thread. Total projection.

And what kind of grown man huffs and puffs and sulks when a £1 present for his daughter (who isn't even present) isn't forthcoming. What a buffoon.

[waltermittymissus]

When you say "tube of smarties" do you mean the big ones they bring out at Christmas? Or a regular tube?

I struggle to see what she would have expected in return for the latter tbh. That's not a present, that's just sweets!

[chubbychipmonk]

I was at a friends house before Xmas, have never exchanged gifts before but as we were leaving she pulled out a huge gift bag with 2 presents in it for each of my DSs, big presents too!

I was (& still am) mortified that I didn't have anything for her DS.

If she had mentioned anything beforehand about giving a gift or buying presents this year without a doubt I would have bought one too.

I think given that she said she was coming with gifts & in the knowledge that there was a good chance the girl was coming YABU to have not even got her a token gift.

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

I would have got the little girl a selection box or crayons or similar token gift. It would have prevented this childish disagreement. I think you are both silly, they are bu for giving to receive & you are bu for not acknowledging a little girl at Christmas. It really doesnt matter that she isnt a blood relation.

Also, have you considered that your sister maybe trying to build a closer relationship with you now that she is a 'stepmum'. And Christmas is a good time to renew contact with estranged people, you are coming across as petty & insular. If you want your dc to maintain a close relationship through their adulthood, then maybe you should lead by example.

[SaucyJack]

Ask her what present her boyfriend would like for his child.

If the value is significantly above the cost of 3 tubes of Smarties (£3?)
then you have your answer about what she really wants.

[susiedaisy]

18 months isn't a 'new' partner and if you knew she was bringing gifts for your dc then IMO you should of taken one for the partners dd. I would be hurt if I was your sister! However it sounds as if you have a strained relationship anyway so maybe no presents at all is the way to go!

[lottieandmia]

But we don't even know if the sister's DP is huffing and puffing. It sounds like this is an issue with the op and her sister, mainly.

[Gunznroses]

chubby How many times do people have to point out that the little girl did not accompany them for the visit ? she wasn't there.

To others - How is the OP sister a 'step mother' when the boyfriend's child does not live with her and neither does the boyfriend ?

it seems people are desperately trying to cling on to some romanticised relationship between OP and this child that really doesn't exist. The hard fact is the child is no more than a stranger, you may as well be telling her to buy a xmas present for the local butcher's daughter round where her mother lives!

[bluebeardsbabe]

What Gunz said. Totally. [Grin]

[bluebeardsbabe]

Or even

[kennyp]

my dh went one step further (did bucks fizz sing that?!?!??!?!) and didn't even buy his fully fledged 8 year old niece a present seeing as it's a hugely long tug of love custardy (ha ha ) battle with her and her extranged parents and the neice doesn't even see the father at christmas at all.

i'm sure the kid in question wouldn't really mind that her dad's girfriend's sister didn't get her a present. or does she have grabby-itis????

[clam]

Is it the norm then, these days, to consider a parent's boyfriend/girlfriend a step-parent? And that boy/girlfriend's children as step-siblings?

I'm just wondering, also, if I've committed a major faux-pas not that I really care by not sending a Christmas gift to my oldest friend's new-ish partner's son by his first marriage, who doesn't live with them, whom I've never met and who doesn't know me from Adam.

[JapaneseMargaret]

lottie - the OP says he was, way up thread:

He was the one to start the looks first and on reflection got very grumpy after I asked. Lots of big sighs and stares.

DH did ask if he had a problem as he'd slumped right in his seat and was just sighing lots. Looking back I think he was sulking.

I think you'd have to be pretty socially unaware not to be picking up on some seriously displeased cues from yer man...

As I say, he sounds like a bit of an idiot.

[nauticant]

I think the sister IBU for becoming stepmother to a Schrödinger child who flickers into and out of existence at a meeting depending on the viewpoint of an observer.

[rockybalboa]

Your sister was being rude with her text but it was rude of you not to buy for her step daughter once she told you she'd bought token gifts for your DC. I'd be cross if I was her, feels like you're refusing to acknowledge step-niece as a part of the family.

[PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice]

Not a stepdaughter, not a step-niece.

[clam]

to buy for her step daughter

It's NOT HER STEP-DAUGHTER!!! And I bet the child's mother might have an opinion on her being referred to as such.

[NicknameIncomplete]

The sister has known her bf 18 months. There is no way she is the childs stepmum.

[Caitlin17]

I'm with you OP but then I don't understand this obsession to give gifts to relatives you hardly ever see and/or don't much like and only of the equivalent value of what you have received.

As the daughter was there I'd probably have given her a fiver as "it's Christmas" but if she hadn't been there I wouldn't have felt guilty at not getting her a present. To my evil, twisted mind giving a small cash sum is not a present with all the guilt trips and burden of that and actually probably far more welcome than some random gift bought on "it'll do as I don't know anything about her"

[NicknameIncomplete]

Caitlin - the child wasnt there.