to not buy for sisters new partner's child ?

[SeptemberFlowers]

My sister has been in a relationship for about a 18 months we aren't close as a rule. She will sometimes send a text to say hello and bit of chit chat every 4 months or so, I do as well. She has never once sent a birthday card or asked after the DC's.

Until last year.

We hadn't seen each other for a year or more but she asked if we met up for Christmas, so we did. She mentioned she had brought some token gifts for DC's (we have never expected any anyway).

Rewind 12 months and I met her boyfriend and his daughter. This has been the only time I met his daughter.

Fast forward to now and we meet up at Christmas, she brings the boyfriend. She gives the DC's their gift and say thank you. Her boyfriend looks at me a bit expectantly and I'm a bit confused by it (no gifts for adults usually) she is giving me equally expectant looks. I ask what for and was told "Nothing."

On the way home (met up at a pub) I get the following text.

"Both C and myself are quite disappointed you never brought a present for B (C's daughter) for Christmas, this comes across as a bit one sided and selfish to us both and I can only hope that you will think of your neice on Christmas day without a present from you and your family and feel shame."



I replied back "Are you serious ?!"

She hasn't replied since.

I hadn't even thought about it as I have only met the girl once and my sister doesn't even send presents or acknowledge her own neices and nephews !

DH thinks I should tell her do one

[shoom]

Please don't apologise!

If you feel sorry for the girl, let it be because her "stepmother" (which sis must be, if the girl is your niece) and her father are the type to openly huff and puff, deny there's anything wrong when asked, then send aggressive messages afterward.

Honestly I think your response is perfect. Make sure your family know the truth though before sis gives her version.

Do your family generally pander to her childish, self-centred behaviour?

[Wevet]

I have a sister I'm not close to - we live in different countries, and we talk very seldom - and though she had a two-year relationship with a man with two children from a previous marriage (I probably met him twice at family occasions and one of the children once, in passing), it would genuinely have never occurred to me to buy those children a gift. It would have been entirely different if we all saw one another, and he and the DC were included in family things, but that was never the case. She's never been very comfortable with sharing partner with the family at large, which is her choice, of course.

It sounds to me as if your sister has changed her priorities since being with this man, and possibly children are now more in her mind, leading to the expectation of a present for her partner's child - but you are not psychic, and if she didn't tell you this, she can't have expected you to know, given you don't usually exchange presents. I can see she may have been very disappointed, but to complain about it afterwards was very crass. Obviously, you don't know what impression of your relationship she may have given her boyfriend, but I cannot honestly imagine sitting looking 'expectant' and waiting for a present from someone I have met twice, for my child whom they met once...

[Gunznroses]

So OP's dsis expects her to consider her boyfriend's daughter as her niece, but didn't bother bringing said niece to vist on xmas day, quite odd! I'd find it very strange if my sis was coming to visit for xmas but made arrangements for DN to be somewhere else.

If they've gone and built up the poor child's expectations then that's their own stupid fault and they should find a way to make it up to her, not OP! If i told my dc i'm visiting boyfriend's sister (who she's only ever met once a yr ago) and misled her by say 'she is your aunt' Expect a present! But turns out there is no present, is the sister then obliged to issue an apology? Of course not.

The fact OP dsis promised to get gifts for Dn has nothing to do with the other child. I just feel very sorry for the child and very angry at her stupid dad.

[StealthPolarBear]

"But of course, the child wasn't there. Also, if the OP had nipped upstairs and wrapped something up and handed it over, she could have been done for stealing from the owners of the pub."

:o

[Sadoldbag]

Your awful my husbands family do this with my son husbands step son they also used to do this with our foster children we have now been married for 5 years result he has now cut ties.


You should be ashamed

[NurseRoscoe]

Present politics does my head in! Buy presents for who you want to buy for. I'm sure the child will get over not having yet another token present & won't be overly upset, it's very likely she won't even notice. Who are they to dictate how you spend your money? that is insufferably rude in my opinion.

[MimiSunshine]

I don't think you were wrong. If people are going to change the gifting practices then they should really tell you.
Your sister sounds a bit immature but trying to show everyone how mature she is. I'm calling her BF daughter your niece! That's just rediculous, is she therefore her stepmother?

I doubt it but if that were the case then I'm sure you'd think of the little girl differently. For what it's worth, all the women I know who've been in relationships with men with children and tried to become step mummy very quickly it's not gone the distance and they've been left wondering where their "family" has gone?

As much as it'd be tempting to call her out on the "niece", hoping you feel shame and lack of gifts previously for your children it'll probably only turn into a tit for tat if you do, so I would suggest just texting her to say, you are sorry for hurting their feelings over the present for the little girl, you hadn't realised she wanted to start giving gifts to the children for birthday and Christmas, so if she could let you know the little girls birthday that would be great and your kids will be very excited to get a card and pressie from their DAunty ok so a little bit of PA finger pointing on the presents front

[NicknameIncomplete]

How is it awful and unreasonable to not buy a present for a child that you do not know, have no relationship with and have only met once?

[iceclear]

Ffs Sadoldbag,read the thread.
Op has met her sisters bf twice and his daughter once.
She is not op's niece.
She wasn't there with them when they brought presents.
Op is not obliged to buy presents for any child that has a slight connection to her.
Ops sister has not bought presents for her dc for years.
I should imagine that if this child becomes part of the family through closer contact with them then op will be happy to buy a present.

[AreYouBlueOrAreYouBlind]

RTFT sadoldbag

Shame your sister hasn't been thinking of her own nieces these past ten years, now she's all family orientated insults are being slung. People like that are really. hard. work.

[SuperScrimper]

'Niece' means the biological child of your brother of sister or the biological child of your spouse.

This child is neither.

Your sister is very odd.

[shoom]

If your sister says the young girl was disappointed not to receive a present, remind her how your children coped over the past 10 years.

[5inabed]

Thats totally bizarre! She is not your niece, my sister had a relationship with a man who had 2 kids quite a few years ago and I never met them I certainly didnt think they were anything to do with me and they were not my niece and nephew. My sister now has a dd and is married to someone else I buy my niece gifts and look after her one day a week and love her to bits its a totally different scenario. The child must either be very grabby thinking she getting a present from strangers she probably doesnt even remember or they have been building her up telling her she will get something either way not the ops fault.

[SaucyJack]

YANBU. She is not your niece, either in a formal or informal "step" sense.

Your sister is being a grabby dickhead.

[DIYapprentice]

You need to send a txt back saying

'Oh... THAT's why you suddenly bought your niece/nephew something after not giving them anything for 10 years. I get it now.'

[SeptemberFlowers]

Well I have sent a text offering an olive branch.

[WaitMonkey]

You're far too nice then op, but I understand why you've offered an olive branch. Your sister sounds deranged and her bf is a rude twat.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Sadoldbag - RTFT

OP ywnbu given the circumstances. She's not your step niece and you have no relationship with her

I am someone's step child. Have been for 15 years now. His on sibling is unpleasant and deliberately exclude. As a kid I think it hurt, as a teen I was annoyed, as an adult - I'm looking forward to pissing them off by not inviting them to my wedding.

[SeptemberFlowers]

Artex - there was ONE FF and rewind scenario. No one else seemed to have trouble understanding it ?

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I would have bought the child a present. If my sister was raising a step-child, then I would count them as my step-niece/nephew whether biology agreed or not.

Your previous relationship with your sister does sound strained, but if I had known that my DCs would be receiving "token gifts" then I would have reciprocated.

[clam]

No one else seemed to have trouble understanding it

Well, tbh, I did have to read it a couple of times!

What did your "olive branch" text say? Not sure I would have done. As others have said, this child is not your niece, as she is not the biological child of your sibling or their spouse. Neither do you even know her, nor was she there on the occasion.

I think your dsis and her boyfriend have behaved appallingly.

[clam]

Santa the OP is not "raising a step-child." She doesn't live with this bloke.