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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not buy for sisters new partner's child ?

558 replies

SeptemberFlowers · 06/01/2014 13:48

My sister has been in a relationship for about a 18 months we aren't close as a rule. She will sometimes send a text to say hello and bit of chit chat every 4 months or so, I do as well. She has never once sent a birthday card or asked after the DC's.

Until last year.

We hadn't seen each other for a year or more but she asked if we met up for Christmas, so we did. She mentioned she had brought some token gifts for DC's (we have never expected any anyway).

Rewind 12 months and I met her boyfriend and his daughter. This has been the only time I met his daughter.

Fast forward to now and we meet up at Christmas, she brings the boyfriend. She gives the DC's their gift and say thank you. Her boyfriend looks at me a bit expectantly and I'm a bit confused by it (no gifts for adults usually) she is giving me equally expectant looks. I ask what for and was told "Nothing."

On the way home (met up at a pub) I get the following text.

"Both C and myself are quite disappointed you never brought a present for B (C's daughter) for Christmas, this comes across as a bit one sided and selfish to us both and I can only hope that you will think of your neice on Christmas day without a present from you and your family and feel shame."

Shock

I replied back "Are you serious ?!"

She hasn't replied since.

I hadn't even thought about it as I have only met the girl once and my sister doesn't even send presents or acknowledge her own neices and nephews !

DH thinks I should tell her do one Hmm

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 09/09/2014 03:56

Nip it in the bud now - either by being truthful or avoiding, but set her straight that Christmas isn't going to happen (assuming of course that you don't wish to meet her/them)

Littleturkish · 09/09/2014 04:42

Could you say:

I can't envisage a Christmas meet up at mine working. We need to build up our relationship again separately before introducing other family members as I don't want to expose the children to a potentially volatile situation.

Don't have Christmas at yours, remember the email he sent you- he'll be looking to kick off.

YoniMitchell · 09/09/2014 05:58

Wow! Your sister really doesn't get it, does she?!

HexBramble · 09/09/2014 06:28

I feel sad for you, OP.

At the time I remember thinking that your DSis is forcing your hand by painting the idea that you are being mean. Clearly this man (Disney dad - good one!) influences her, but she didn't bother with your DC even before he came along. Sad

I think stating the 'tradition' of not buying gifts - I.e the tradition SHE started, is the one you now adhere to.

Definitely no Christmas gathering - I'm getting wound up here at the thought of it, on your behalf. Imagine how awful it'll be!

HexBramble · 09/09/2014 06:32

Sorry - didn't complete the sentence...

Stating that you stick to the tradition of not buying gifts is a good idea. If she responds then it'll rightly provoke your next answer " but DSis, you never wanted to buy gifts for my DC, and as much as that hurt me, I accepted it. It's unfair that you make different demands on me now because it suits you and your bf now fuck off, wise up and stop being a grabby arse"

HexBramble · 09/09/2014 06:33

Gah! Strikeout fail Confused

WillWorkForMoney · 09/09/2014 08:17

OP, are you perceived to have a lot of money? It seems really grabby of your sister to go no contact for 9 months, then meet up just before a birthday, then want to meet up again for christmas. I wonder what the fall out would be if you didn't but a Christmas gift again? Maybe the b/fs head would explode?

RabbitSaysWoof · 09/09/2014 08:44

I think you need to email her with your dc's christmas lists first. Don't be shy put down the good stuff.

Jill2015 · 09/09/2014 08:51

I think you need to email her with your dc's christmas lists first. Don't be shy put down the good stuff.

Exactly what I was thinking. I remember this thread.
Please set her straight now about Christmas. Don't even make excuses. I know she is your sister but, this is ridiculous carryon, on her part.

HannerHet · 09/09/2014 09:10

THIS THREAD IS FROM JANUARY!!!!!!

HannerHet · 09/09/2014 09:12

Just seen OP updated, sorry ignore my last post

Chunderella · 09/09/2014 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 09/09/2014 12:15

Well, if they are money-grabbing shitters then they've probably got back in touch so they can arrange to freeload off you all through the Christmas holiday. You are probably being set up to fail: after they've arrived empty-handed, or as near as dammit, they will eat you out of house and home and then find some reason to be offended so they can strop off and not bother with you until the next present-snaffling opportunity arises.

Spadequeen · 09/09/2014 19:04

Do not agree to Christmas at yours, agree with everyone else here, be honest, if she has a problem, it's her loss not yours.

HSMMaCM · 09/09/2014 19:42

So sorry for not rtft, but I swear it wasn't all there when I replied !!!!

KatieKaye · 09/09/2014 20:50

Dear Sis,
I'm glad you brought up the issue of presents. As you haven't given either if my children anything for either their birthdays or Christmas in their entire lives, barring last years token gift, it would seem rude of you not to give them presents to an equivalent value of that you expect for your boyfriends daughter. At £45 a pop for birthdays and the same for Christmas. When can we expect the cheque?
Looking forward to discussing Christmas and don't forget DS has a birthday in December and DD in January.
So glad you brought all this up and you want to make up for all the years you ignored your niece and nephew.

hamptoncourt · 09/09/2014 20:50

Grin at Princess Giftlist!!!

I would love to advise you to send Dsis a gift list of your own with outrageous gifts on for your DC:

PS4
Pony
IPAD

etc etc

But of course the best advice is to rise above it, say you probably won't be home for Christmas now and hope they have a lovely time.....

She really is hilarious though OP.

Inertia · 09/09/2014 22:56

Oh, I love the idea of a return gift list for the OP's children! Though I think your list is a bit cheap Hampton.

I suggest:

  • a unicorn
  • a gold-inlaid swimming pool filled with hummingbird tears
  • a de-nationalised Russian oil and gas company.
AlpacaPicnic · 09/09/2014 23:41

The missing Faberge eggs from the Russian royal family...
A unicorn with diamonds on its hooves...
A genuine piece of the moon...

arethereanyleftatall · 10/09/2014 00:17

And always finish the list with 'a tube of smaryies'

arethereanyleftatall · 10/09/2014 00:17

Smarties

helenthemadex · 10/09/2014 18:53

£45 for a child who is not related!! not a chance in hell she really is unbelieveable.

Say no to Christmas now, her or more likely her bf will ruin it in some way by being a complete knobjockey dont take the risk or your dc christmas being ruined. Be very clear and make sure she knows why, you could send her a christmas list for your dc

TrendStopper · 11/09/2014 07:54

I dont even spend 45 pounds on a gift for close family members so there is no way i would be spending that amount on a child that i have met once.

I agree with previous posters who say to put a stop to your sisters plans for christmas now.

Flux700 · 11/09/2014 07:59

Apologise and say that Xmas is tricky but if they want to meet up somewhere on neutral territory during the festive period that's great. I think you will be forced into meeting up with him too sadly despite his rude behaviour. Red flags with his letters/behaviour. What an arse.

However, remind her that she has never bought gift/cards for nieces and you don't mind but you also don't want to start a new tradition

Cheeky76890 · 11/09/2014 08:01

45 is a huge amount of money