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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not buy for sisters new partner's child ?

558 replies

SeptemberFlowers · 06/01/2014 13:48

My sister has been in a relationship for about a 18 months we aren't close as a rule. She will sometimes send a text to say hello and bit of chit chat every 4 months or so, I do as well. She has never once sent a birthday card or asked after the DC's.

Until last year.

We hadn't seen each other for a year or more but she asked if we met up for Christmas, so we did. She mentioned she had brought some token gifts for DC's (we have never expected any anyway).

Rewind 12 months and I met her boyfriend and his daughter. This has been the only time I met his daughter.

Fast forward to now and we meet up at Christmas, she brings the boyfriend. She gives the DC's their gift and say thank you. Her boyfriend looks at me a bit expectantly and I'm a bit confused by it (no gifts for adults usually) she is giving me equally expectant looks. I ask what for and was told "Nothing."

On the way home (met up at a pub) I get the following text.

"Both C and myself are quite disappointed you never brought a present for B (C's daughter) for Christmas, this comes across as a bit one sided and selfish to us both and I can only hope that you will think of your neice on Christmas day without a present from you and your family and feel shame."

Shock

I replied back "Are you serious ?!"

She hasn't replied since.

I hadn't even thought about it as I have only met the girl once and my sister doesn't even send presents or acknowledge her own neices and nephews !

DH thinks I should tell her do one Hmm

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/09/2014 12:26

Granted her text was wrong but it wouldn't have hurt to have got her a little something would it. No-one would have expected to spend a fortune or take out a second mortgage.
I hope you didn't leave the child standing there while you doled out gifts to every other child. If that happened to my child I'd go nuclear, but surely no-one would be that insensitive.

helenthemadex · 08/09/2014 12:30

I hope your dsis comes to her senses and does not marry the prick, its all very sad

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost I suggest you RTT

AndyWarholsOrange · 08/09/2014 12:35

Oh Jesus, not again. Read. The. Thread!!!!!

Lucked · 08/09/2014 12:35

As they now live together I would probably send a card and a book as his is what I would do for a friends child. Even though you aren't close to your sister I would take the high ground. I would also send a selection pack at Christmas. I try to remain civil with family and although her behaviour is depressing and rude it isn't an unforgivable crime.

I would ignore all gift lists or gift suggestions.

ThinkFirst · 08/09/2014 12:46

Looks to me like they only bother getting in touch when the BF wants presents for his DD. She ignores your DC for 10 years! then turns up with smarties expecting a gift for someone you don't know, I wonder what her BF would have said if all you'd got for his DD was smarties, they then go NC just before your DD's birthday, then get in touch again for his DD's birthday expecting not only a gift, but something they've requested.

Very rude and greedy and most likely instigated by the BF. You are under no obligation to have anything to do with him (or his DD). It looks like he may be controlling your sister though, so I'd be wary of totally cutting her off.

ChasedByBees · 08/09/2014 13:02

What is she thinking? After not seeing you for all this time, this is how she makes amends? Confused

Caterpillarmum · 08/09/2014 13:18

Wow! Just read the entire thread open mouthed!!!

This guy hasn't changed he's just brainwashed her into thinking his way. It's all very odd and there are loads of red flags here. I suspect that despite them moving in together they won't be celebrating their tenth anniversary.

He's using small issues to drive a wedge between you and your sister and she is letting him. Whilst he is acting like a bullying arsehole she is allowing him to do it. She'd not some battered wife under the thumb she's a grown adult who has made choices. Fancy turning up with a gift list FFS! You'd think she'd be more concerned about healing your relationship than throwing fuel on the fire.

Your instincts are spot on, back away or you'll only get dragged into more drama.

Is it possible they are playing games with his ex wife? I.e. ' my GFs family are soooo great buying all these presents' only you didn't sign up to such foolishness.

Caterpillarmum · 08/09/2014 13:38

Op- is she your younger or older sister?

BlackbirdOnTheWire · 08/09/2014 13:54

This is still going on? Can you email back a present demand ideas list for your DC for the past ten years, with the comment "just a suggestion, since family relationships seem to be all about presents?".

And why on earth, even if she were free that day, would your DD want to go to the birthday party of a girl she has met once in her life?

gentlehoney · 08/09/2014 15:30

Is it worth losing your sister over a principal? Why not just buy the child a birthday gift and hope that is the end of it?

Bulbasaur · 08/09/2014 15:35

It doesn't matter what your sister does. It was Christmas day and a child got to watch everyone else get a present and feel like an outsider in a family that wasn't hers.

Just get her a cute jar of candies.

MokunMokun · 08/09/2014 15:54

It is a bit sinister. I wouldn't send a present just send a card as you said and be done with it. Don't engage in argumentative texts or passive aggressive behavior. I know it's not tit for tat but if she never sends birthday cards or presents for your kids why on earth would you send them for her. He sounds very controlling and trying to bully you into doing things his way.

slithytove · 08/09/2014 16:22

bulb

When did that happen?

airforsharon · 08/09/2014 16:30

bulbasaur eh?

When the sister & bf met up with OP at Christmas and gave OP's dcs their presents, the boyfriend's dd was not there. I remember this post and the OP stated that quite clearly early on, several times.

I'm always baffled that someone would post on a thread - however long - without bothering to read it first.

slithytove · 08/09/2014 17:33

I'll summarise for newcomers who refuse to read ops posts

--------------
OP has a sister.

Sister has never been all that interested in OPs kids, no cards or presents over a 10 year period.

Sister started dating a man with a daughter. Been dating for around 18mo at time of incident last Christmas.

They did not live together then

OP had met the BF daughter once at that point

Sister met up with OP and OP DC at a pub pre Xmas and said she was bringing OP DC presents.

She brought the BF unknown to OP.

The BF DD WAS NOT THERE. SHE WASNT THERE. NOT PRESENT

Sister handed the presents over - tubes of smarties. They were from her, not from BF. To reiterate, these were DC first gifts from her in 10 years.

Boyfriend chucked his toys out the pram at no reciprocal present for his DD WHO WAS NOT THERE AND OP HAD ONLY MET ONCE

Several texts followed from sister to OP telling her how unreasonable she had been and how they wanted an apology. They felt that OP should class this girl as a niece despite the sister not being a step mum and OP having only met her once.

Culminated in OP going NC after sister BF sent an abusive email to OP

Sister has now (9 months on) moved in with BF, and has got back in touch with OP asking for birthday presents for BF DD.

--------------

Hope I got it all right!

KatieKaye · 08/09/2014 17:47

It wasn't Christmas Day, the child wasn't there and DSis wasn't living her or her father so she was not "family" at that point
RTFT. Otherwise you post inaccurate nonsense.
September - kudos on keeping a cool head. This pair are fixated by presents! Did u ask for an apology for that abusive email?

waithorse · 08/09/2014 20:45

I remember your thread. Who the fuck offers round a gift list for a child's birthday ? Shock So odd.

Whocansay · 08/09/2014 21:09

Give her the tube of Smarties back.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 08/09/2014 21:17

Oh OP, sounds like your sister hasn't changed much and what she has isn't for the better. She obviously expected you to be so grateful for her sudden decision to give you attention that you would fall at their feet for an invite and to get a list.

Sad as it sounds OP, just let her know you'll be there for her if she needs you when she realises just what he is truly like. Mind you if she really wasn't that bothered before him then maybe they suit each other well. Such a shame for you.

PhaedraIsMyName · 08/09/2014 21:18

Oh dear . I remember this thread apart from those who didn't rtft it was one of the few occasions when there was consensus.

Aside from why would your daughter want to go to this party why would the birthday girl want your daughter there?

PhaedraIsMyName · 08/09/2014 21:20

I feel sorry for the other girl. She has an idiot for a father.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/09/2014 21:25

Ffs READ THE THREAD PEOPLE!!!

September I'm so sorry. Nothing's changed, has it?

magoria · 08/09/2014 21:45

So sorry you are still going through this.

Your sister has made her current position clear. All you can do is be there if she ever wakes up.

You have done nothing wrong!

Aeroflotgirl · 08/09/2014 21:59

Yabu I woukd gave bought a token gift, what's a £2 Cadburys Christmas selection. It's not the kids fault poor thing. Must have been not very nice tge giving your dc presents, and her none. It's nice thing to do.

AlpacaPicnic · 08/09/2014 22:06

Oh... My.... Gawd!

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