I know I am - but I'm so tempted to exact my revenge

[Revenger]

I have never gotten on with my SIL. She's always been nasty to me in a very underhand way. I never confronted her in order to keep family peace. But the final straw came at my wedding where she went out of her way to spoil it for us. There was lots of things but the worst was bringing up my husbands affair. I knew about it, five years had passed and we'd moved on. So she had no good reason to mention this at our wedding.

Anyway, her wedding is booked for this year and I've recently found out that her soon to be DH has shagged one of her bridesmaids. He's had other affairs, but I don't think she knows about this one.

I really want to say to her at the wedding, 'I really admire you and DH. You've got such a strong relationship. I mean, I don't think I'd have been able to have one of my friends as bridesmaid if she and my husband had been having sex' . This would totally play on the fact that she harps on about how her and DP have a better relationship than basically anyone else, but particularly me and DH.

I know this makes me sound evil. I'm not in general but I want to get her back for the years of crap she's put me through.

So, WIBU to do this?

She knows he has shagged about, she just doesn't know about this one?

So she knows she's marrying a man who can't keep it in his pants? That hurts, whether she shows it or not, it'll be eating her up inside. Maybe it's the reason she's so vile? She's utterly miserable and yet dependant and afraid to leave him. It happens. And it can make a person shrivel up and die inside and some turn into very horrible people. Not everyone. People react differently. But some.

That's all the 'punishment' she needs. If she needs any. Her life. With him.

Personally, I think what she needs is pity. She's no longer in your life, she has no more power to hurt you than you give her, but she has to live her life.

I really wouldn't bother telling her. It would no doubt cause her pain, which you sound like you would enjoy, but she'd stay with him - she has so far, what makes you think this would be different? And it would just be yet another affair to add to the times he's already shit all over her.

But no matter how much it might hurt her, outwardly she'd only ever show increased hatred of you. So what would you gain?

@ "slim pickings". I like your turn of phrase.

Aaarrgh, lost my post. Wasn't having a pop at your parenting Revenger, I meant your BIL and soon to be SIL. What a poisonous atmosphere to bring up kids in.

Yes, it does sound very 'small town, small minds'. Really sad.

OP, based on this thread, you sound horrible. Genuinely horrible. I'm sure you're not though, I expect it's just years of frustration bubbling up. Can't you see that if you go ahead with this plan everyone will draw the same conclusion that I have? And other people may not be so quick to look for mitigating circumstances or try and make allowances for your feelings of hurt.

More to the point, even if no one ever judged you at all, I could not live with myself if I wrecked someone's wedding. The fact she did the same to you is neither here nor there. What about her family? My mum would be devastated if someone did that to me.

even if I were to be the better person and tell her in good time, he will deny it anyway and everyone will fall out with me for being a 'liar'.

He'd let that happen? Fucking hell OP. You've drawn a pretty short straw in life haven't you

I'm starting to err towards just telling her straight out, right now, today. Even if it's just to derive a moments shred of joy from what you're painting to be an otherwise rather joyless existence... As long as you're sure your kids wouldn't suffer any adverse consequences, fuck it. Do it. Then get away from these people. All of them.

Yes, this doesn't cover you in glory op.

She was a cow at your wedding, and had been for years.

So avoid her, she obviously not living the high life as she's prepared to marry a total bastard.

Bitterness and revenge are not necessary, she will be miserable anyway, if that helps?

Get on with your life and let it go.

Well, she knows about the one time they were on a break. I know of at least 4 others that she doesn't know about.

I don't actually care if she stays or goes. I suspect she will stay anyway.

I knew what you were saying flip and I completely agree. His family is dysfunctional unfortunately. I love his sister to bits though - she's really lovely.

Revenger, did you know about your husband's infidelities before you married him? Do you think your SIL would cancel the wedding if she were made aware of the extent of her fiance's serial shagging?

I think that in your day to day life you need to set firm boundaries. You are clearly fuming that SIL makes negative comments about your husband. If you want her to stop, you're going to have to tell her assertively but politely. Try 'Did you mean to be so rude?' Or 'SIL, I've noticed you continually criticise my husband to me. I find this rude and unacceptable. Please in future keep your opinions to yourself.' And just end the conversation and go out of the room. But remember you have let this situation continue, and it make take some time to train her to better manners. However, I don't understand why you seem to have so much contact with someone you dislike so much.

Part of the reason you are fantasising about humiliating her on her wedding day is because you feel she walks all over you on a daily basis. You won't be so focused on Big Revenge if you establish yourself as someone whose wishes need to be respected.

I don't understand why you wouldn't just tell her that her fiancé is cheating on her before the wedding and be done with it. You might get a thrill out of it, but more importantly it is information that she should be privy to, particularly if he is getting around as much as you say, in which case she is at risk of a rainbow of sexually transmitted diseases. You may detest her, but would you really want to see her rendered infertile or seriously ill through her partner's actions? And what if they have children? Would you want them to grow up in this dysfunctional relationship, knowing that she could find out at any moment and blow their worlds apart?

Oh god, yes, I know this t

Ever thought she might be marrying him to protect herself?

If you and your DH are against her, you would be really better off having a word in his ear. He may find himself booted out of their (post wedding) house and right were she wants him.

I to think that you are all focusing on the wrong people/things.

Did you have children when you let her DP have "very loud sex" in your living room.

You are all a disgrace.

Where is MIL in all of this, is she another gobshite woman?
Or FIL, is he the one that have taught the pair if them how you treat your partners and family?

To me, she sounds utterly miserable and unhappy. I suspect her attempts to belittle your relationship with her soon to be husbands brother is an attempt at making herself feel better. Like playground bullies who are often jealous.

I don't think you should do this at all (tempting as it may be). Rather I think you should extend a kind hand and at least be amicable to her. If you really can't do that then just ignore.

Do you live in Derbyshire OP?

This thread makes me sound awful. Thanks everyone for humouring me though.

They can't be mad at me if it was a 'genuine' mistake.

I'll wait until the end of the day so she gets to enjoy it up until that point . She's horrible about her family - only interested in what they can give her.

She was boasting at one point that she'd asked her dad to stop paying for her step brother's probate education and to give it to her instead because he wasn't doing well in his grades. He also paid for her private education and she flunked as well. Hypocrite much? However, she did meet BIL there so I guess it was worth it (DH's family are also 'landed').

When it all came out that her father had been having an affair behind her step mother's back, she begged her step mother not to take his money in a divorce as it would affect her inheritance. This is honestly what she is like.

she either knows already, or someone else is going to tell her. Sit back and enjoy the knowledge but don't be the one to try and share it for goodness' sake. Karma will come round in the end.

No, not Derbyshire.

The loud shagging was a long time before DC. MIL doesn't speak to us anymore because her own mother cut her out of her will and she tried to blackmail DH into giving up his share in her favour. He was going to do it as well until she made it clear she wanted the money over her grandchildren. FIL is a serial cheat too. No, they really didn't stand a chance.

This is (yet) another thread where I would just love for the other person to start their own thread putting their own point of view.

Of course they can be mad at you if it is a 'genuine mistake'. Even if it was one, which it wouldn't be, they could still 'shoot the messenger'. People often do.

You may feel they would have no legitimate cause to be cross with you if you claimed it was a genuine mistake, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be!

They'd also likely see straight through the 'genuine mistake' and know exactly what you meant to do.

People aren't stupid.

If she's a horrible person, with a horrible life, that's her problem and her misery to deal with. You only damage yourself if you try to damage other people.

What a great fantasy to have. I love running through revenge scenarios in my head, wouldn't do it in real life though.

A few run through a of revenge scenarios always made me feel better, like writing about situations in my diary helps too. It directs my negativity in a harmless way and then passes.

My biggest fantasy in your situation would be to say to her in the wedding lineup, 'you raising XXX's affair at my wedding really hurt me, but at least now you can understand how you made me feel that day. Really thought your XXX was going to end up with bridesmaids name for a while there but it's good to know that you too think affairs are worth working through' then you smile sweetly looking stunning and radiant!

Of course, I'd never actually do it. If anything, I'd let her know ASAP because as much as I'd hate the bitch, I've been cheated on in a previous relationship and an glad I found out straight away so I could make my own choices.

I'm guessing people generally don't think you sound horrible per se, it's the situation. It does sound like it's the final straw for you after years of being ground down, we all know what it's like to keep the peace and keep taking wave after wave of shit off of people and constantly not rise to it trying to be the bigger person. It's tiring. Then this golden opportunity comes along....

I do think a by-product of this thread has been people's genuine distaste at the seemingly accepted family culture of affairs and lack of respect for others that you describe, and that's partly why people's views are coloured, particularly when you're contemplating actions which would lower yourself to that level.

Missed a couple of posts up thread.

They already have children. She wouldn't believe me anyway if I told her now.

I don't see her anymore but I've long fantasised about having it out with her and telling her what a nasty piece of work she is. I've never had the opportunity and I'd look petty just messaging her out of the blue to say it all now. She's very underhand with her nastiness. She would feign innocence if I called her on it. And half the time she we catch me off guard in a 'I can't believe she just said that' way.

You know who doesn't in a idle moment plan revenge on all those people who have fucked us off in life but I imagine the OP in RL is just a normal person. I doubt she lets it affect her kids nor would I infer exactly what her home town is like from the shenanigans of her DH and BIL unless it St Helens.

Tbh with you OP I have seen similar normalising of extra marital affairs in my ex H own family, so I know how it can happen. His parents couldn't believe I would leave him over his repeated affairs because his Mum had never left his Dad, I also think ex had grown up knowing this so thought it was ok and not a deal breaker too.

Fuck it,I'd tell her.I'd enjoy doing it too.Maybe before the wedding though!

you'd have to be pretty saintly not to enjoy the thought of all this. (while not actually doing anything)
The bridesmaid will probably let it slip on the hen night when they're all discussing who their worst ever shag was.