I know I am - but I'm so tempted to exact my revenge

[Revenger]

I have never gotten on with my SIL. She's always been nasty to me in a very underhand way. I never confronted her in order to keep family peace. But the final straw came at my wedding where she went out of her way to spoil it for us. There was lots of things but the worst was bringing up my husbands affair. I knew about it, five years had passed and we'd moved on. So she had no good reason to mention this at our wedding.

Anyway, her wedding is booked for this year and I've recently found out that her soon to be DH has shagged one of her bridesmaids. He's had other affairs, but I don't think she knows about this one.

I really want to say to her at the wedding, 'I really admire you and DH. You've got such a strong relationship. I mean, I don't think I'd have been able to have one of my friends as bridesmaid if she and my husband had been having sex' . This would totally play on the fact that she harps on about how her and DP have a better relationship than basically anyone else, but particularly me and DH.

I know this makes me sound evil. I'm not in general but I want to get her back for the years of crap she's put me through.

So, WIBU to do this?

Meh. If I wanted to slag off DH or SIL, I'd just start a thread saying exactly that. Indeed I have done before.

I'm not going to repeat myself. I've already explained why I can't tell her before the wedding and also why I want to tell her. Whenever I told her would result in the same consequences. But at least telling her at her wedding might go some way to redressing the balance. Self made karma if you will.

You have a good point about her not having anything on your DH.

If you're really determined to make her unhappy at her wedding, exposing yourself as the author of her nasty shock is not the best move given the volatile people involved, so why not send her an anonymous wedding card about the bridesmaid business? It sounds as though any number of people might have sent her such a thing, so she will have to reflect on that as well as on her STBH's infidelity.

However, it would be better all round if she herself had done something which could be exposed, rather than your revealing her humiliation, which isn't quite the same as punishing her own behaviour.

However, it would be better all round if she herself had done something which could be exposed, rather than your revealing her humiliation, which isn't quite the same as punishing her own behaviour

That would be better except she has no shame whatsoever and she is skilled at spinning we self as the victim. If I were to tell her at the wedding, I would do so 'innocently' in the same manner as she did to me.

I like the idea of doing it anonymously. But, and it's a big but, I don't want to be the cause of their family breaking up but only from the perspective of the DC involved. I couldn't care less about the two of them. It's just nice to imagine her getting the same deal she dealt me even if I wouldn't actually go so far as doing it.

The way to short-circuit any claim by her to victimhood is to say, "Couldn't have happened to a nicer person, eh?"

You know what?

I would aim to actually do something really nice for a change.
I would tell her about her dh and say that you thought it only fair that she knows before someone else tells her. That is, providing you have it on very good authority that this has happened.

Why do you think she has been so mean to you in the past? Is she jealous of you? Has she had unhappy relationships before? You say that her dh is a serial cheat, so maybe she feels vulnerable and desperately unhappy because of this - sees your loving relationship, which makes her feel even more inadequate and is insanely jealous.

I would feel sorry for her. She has children with her dh, everyone probably knows about his indiscretions, everyone probably thinks she's a fool, she will be embarrassed by his behaviour and maybe in marrying him she is trying to get him to commit or to redeem herself in some way?

She sounds like a very unhappy person who has no real friends or self respect.

How flabberghasted would she be if you arranged to meet up for coffee and had a heart to heart with her? I am betting that her hard exterior would crumble and you would see the person underneath that thick skin of hers.

We all have our vulnerabilities, we are not born mean but are made that way. Underneath it all, we are all human and we all hurt.

Do something lovely and nice. Be a friend to her. If she rejects you then leave it at that. You will have tried.

Forget what she has done in the past. She only spoiled your wedding because you let her. I'm sure you have many more brilliant and happy memories of your wedding so why dwell on this one?

My SIL was horrible to me at my wedding too. I have always tried to get on with her even when other family members didn't. I sent her and her sons birthday cards and presents. I never knew that I had been spelling her surname wrong (she wasn't married to my brother at this point) until she came marching over with the place name I had made and demanded I change it. Then, her teenage son demanded that I buy him a drink because I had sent him a birthday card without money in it but a promise to buy him a drink next time I saw him. I was in my wedding dress, I had no money on me and he stood there whilst I asked another guest if they could please lend me money to buy him a drink.

I don't dwell on that though, that would be giving her the victory of having spoiled my wedding day. She didn't. I still send them all birthday cards though I never receive any back, not even at Christmas.

I am not like her, I have a heart. If she confided in me tomorrow (I know her and my brother have split up now) I would listen. I wouldn't bear grudges. What would be the point? Why hold bitter feelings? They don't make you feel good, they just make you feel angry. Life is too damn short to let anyone make you feel negative.

I would be concerned about how she would feel if she found out about his latest indiscretion. That is why I would invite her out for coffee and with all the best will in the world I would tell her, stressing how sorry I was and asking if there was anything I could do.

She might not thank you for it, but I wouldn't want her to get married to a shitbag and I'd want her to know that she did have at least one friend she could talk to, even if she didn't want to know. Because I'll bet she doesn't have that.

The way to crack open meanness is through kindness.

Tell her before the wedding. If she marries him and finds out, then decides to leave him then the kids will have to go through the hassle of divorce with maintenance and all the stress that that brings.

All this bitterness with everyone is just tiring and not good for peoples health.