I know I am - but I'm so tempted to exact my revenge

[Revenger]

I have never gotten on with my SIL. She's always been nasty to me in a very underhand way. I never confronted her in order to keep family peace. But the final straw came at my wedding where she went out of her way to spoil it for us. There was lots of things but the worst was bringing up my husbands affair. I knew about it, five years had passed and we'd moved on. So she had no good reason to mention this at our wedding.

Anyway, her wedding is booked for this year and I've recently found out that her soon to be DH has shagged one of her bridesmaids. He's had other affairs, but I don't think she knows about this one.

I really want to say to her at the wedding, 'I really admire you and DH. You've got such a strong relationship. I mean, I don't think I'd have been able to have one of my friends as bridesmaid if she and my husband had been having sex' . This would totally play on the fact that she harps on about how her and DP have a better relationship than basically anyone else, but particularly me and DH.

I know this makes me sound evil. I'm not in general but I want to get her back for the years of crap she's put me through.

So, WIBU to do this?

Whilst I dont agree with what you would like to do, I absolutely think this girl needs to know what he fiancé has been up to, particularly recently.

I am so sick of people getting carried away with the wedding only to start divorce proceedings a year or do later. It makes a mockery of the whole thing.

Do not wait until the day of the wedding but absolutely tell her. I would want to know.

Nah, his family wouldn't ever tell me. I get where people are coming from on DH but in my eyes it's a separate issue.

candy, I've tried - really tried. After 12 years of her shit, I can't forgive or forget and I can't move on. Yes, I have acknowledged that it would be healthier to move on, but I can't, so what now?

We have mutual friends on Facebook. I could make an innocent comment (just a hint not blatant) that would get her thinking. That reminds me, when DH was having an affair she hinted lots about what was going on but wouldn't ever tell me straight. She was very much enjoying stirring.

Do your DH and BIL get on well. Do you think your BIL tells her stuff that she feels she needs to say to you? Does it annoy your DH and does he actually talk much to her too? Sometimes people can be nasty yust knowing stuff and want to purposely ruin peoples lives by letting them know that they are aware of things that are going on. She sounds very nasty but I'd be concerned about where she hears all her info from and seeing if your DH and BIL do discuss stuff together.

I can totally see where your coming from and would feel the same I think but also like people are saying you wouldn't want to go to her level. I can see why you want to say it though .
I've been in the middle of things in the past when DH has talked to his friend in confidence and his friend talked to his wife and she then told me. Nothing to do with affairs just a hard time after DD1 was born. Everything was meant to be confidential yet everyone went back to the other person and it was like Chinese whispers. I had big row and upset with DH and it turned up what he had spoken about had been completely blown out of proportion and we realised we needed to talk to each other rather than off load on others who changed the stories completely. I'm just saying this as your SIL to be can be making things out worse and spreading gossip in a way she may have interpreted stuff and no doubt very jealous of you and your DH and how you've worked through things. Maybe she knows about the affair of her DP and is just ignoring it and going through with the wedding as doesn't want to be a failure and have people think her DP would do this to her etc.

What a family! How on earth were you and your DH brought up? Aren't you more tempted to get away from the lot of them, they don't sound like they are doing you any good!

Can't see how any of you come out of this looking good.
You married a man who cheated on you numerous times - "she loves to rub all of my husbands indiscretions in my face."
She's marrying a man who has cheated and continues to do so.
You clearly can't stand her.
She probably can't stand you (although maybe she does know all about her husband-to-be's infidelity, hasn't yet found the courage to end a clearly totally dysfunctional relationship and is trying to cover it all up, hoping no-one else knows)
Can't you see all this?

BIL wouldn't tell SIL I don't think. We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone's business.

The affair thing is just one thing she loved to rub my nose in. There's loads of other things too. She's competitive in the extreme.

DH's family dislike her because she's an unpleasant person. We've all tried really hard with her. But I think they respect BILs choice in being with her.

I've held my hands up and said this is one issue over which I am messed up. Well, there's probably other things too but we're talking about this. I shall go to therapy immediately after taking revenge .

Why is she so unpleasant?
Is there not a part of you that pities this woman and the way she behaves?
Is it not better to offer her support instead of trying to destroy her?
You would be a better person for it.

Rowlers, yes, of course I can see it. What do you do once you've had DC though? Obviously these people are my DC's family. Can't turn back the clock now. I was very young when we got together so that might go a way to explaining my choices.

When I say 'indiscretions' I mean anything that according to SIL's standards is wrong. She would sneer and say I don't know how you put up with DH. His feet stink. I couldn't stand it'. Blah, blah, blah. I'm not making my DH sound any better am I? .

Continue on this path and you will become even more of a seething boil of resentment than you appear to be here.

I am sure it is wishful thinking for you to expose your SIL and BIL, unless you also intend to trash your relationship with your DH as well (dont forget, blood is thicker than water), but just stop and think how much emotional energy you have expended so far on this.

... And how low you will look to everyone who witnesses it.

Probably too much

What you are planning to do is way out of proportion to what she did to you. I would want to know anyway if I were her, but waiting until the day she marries him to tell her something which if she had known, she may not have wanted to marry him and may have to go through a humiliating divorce over is far worse than messing up one important day in the otherwise good relationship that you have.
Tell her ASAP, or insist that her fiance tell her. You can still feel like you had your revenge but it will also be the right thing to do - she deserves to know.

Well, now you mention the children...
You are modelling behaviour for them.
What sort of lives do you want them to have?

Xpost Rowlers. I have tried being nice to her. Tried for 12 loooong years. She's just not very nice. Probably insecure and jealous but I suffer from low self esteem etc (well done to the pp who managed to psycho analyse me from one thread ) but I wouldn't dream of being as nasty as her.

Where do you draw the line with people like that?

No, revenger, he doesn't sound like a prize catch!!!

These husbands probably can't believe their luck, they get to have multiple affairs and rather than their wives getting angry at them they get angry at each other. Result for them!

Tbh, if this woman is so utterly awful, why is BIL marrying her - I presume he's a fully functioning adult, so he's not obliged to.

It seems very much like the problem lies with your DH's family.

Keep reminding yourself that she is insecure and jealous.

(When you say "I wouldn't dream of being as nasty as her", isn't telling her about her husband's shagging around on her wedding day just that?)

I hope I model a person who stands up for themselves and doesn't let people treat them like shit. I was raised to be a pushover. I'm not saying doing this would achieve this obviously.

DH wouldn't tell her in a million years. And even if I were to be the better person and tell her in good time, he will deny it anyway and everyone will fall out with me for being a 'liar'.

I can either do nothing with this info or use it to my advantage. Those are my two options.

Have you posted about her before OP. I seem to remember your story. If I recall she was a true twat.

However I would not do this, just keep a low profile and sit there watching all the interactions. I would be especially be watching the groom and bridesmaid if I were you.

There's a lot of affairs about round your way isn't there? Must be something in the water.

I think you should tell her before the wedding, you would look like the better person for not waiting so late

Her bridesmaid shagged her husband to be?

TBH this may all blow up without you uttering a word.

I know, I know. But it's only one small bitchy act. I'd pretend it was an innocent mistake and I thought she knew . She's got years on me of being a vile person.

flip, they also got together at school and I believe he got with her because she's got big boobs . I honestly have no idea what he sees in her. She's really controlling too. They have DC now so I guess that's part of it. And her family have money so it could be that too. The family complain all the time that he has morphed into her. They're very money orientated.

We haven't turned on each other over our DP's affairs. She's nasty, I don't like nasty people. It's as simple as that.

Oh do it. It's a dish best seved cold.

Yes sparkly. I posted to ask if IWBU to suspect she ruined our wedding on purpose. I was told IANBU on that front.

Telling her on the day or before would have exactly the same consequences. He'll talk his way out of it anyway.

It's a very small town where the vast majority if men have been raised the 1950s way. Slim pickings really.

It sounds like a hideously dysfunctional set up to me. Poor kids.

Yes flip. Luckily they have my family who are very normal and down to earth not biased at all.