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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have expected this woman to remove her tantruming child?

360 replies

musicboxwoundbyakey · 05/01/2014 22:25

Went out for Sunday dinner with two friends. They were sat next to each other and I was sat opposite so my chair was in the middle (not sure if that's completely relevant but don't want to drip feed)

We were sat on a higher tier of the restaurant (3 steps). A woman with 2ish year old (could have been a little younger) walked up with a friend and her baby when her ds started to throw a huge tantrum and dropped to the floor right next to me.

As my chair was in the middle and not on the edge he really was right next to me screaming and crying and she left him there for a good few minutes and went to sit down before picking him up.

Now I was in a family friendly restaurant and don't care about children throwing tantrums or crying (it's expected) and with a tantrum its usually best ignored but I think in this situation she should have been quicker to pick him up and remove him from our table?

OP posts:
OneInEight · 06/01/2014 14:18

If the child is tantruming because he wants to get out of the café then taking him outside will simply reinforce the behaviour making sure he will repeat it next time he is somewhere he doesn't want to be. I don't know if this was the cause of this child's tantrum, nor does the OP or the other people posting on the forum. I would expect that the child's mother would know and also know what is the best thing to do for her child under these circumstances. Causing inconvenience to some people today may actually save a lot of inconvenience for many more people later on.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 06/01/2014 15:23

Ooh, great thread for updating the spreadshit! Got a few more names of inflammatory and/or disablist on it now. Thanks for being so obviously cuntish fuckwits!

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/01/2014 15:50

The op has not been back to say how many minutes a few is, so how can anybody say yabu or yanbu?

Child drops to floor starting tantrum, mum takes bags to seat perhaps sits down to take off a sling or heavey handbag or the adult shes with requres assstance due to hidden disability then stands up goes and picks up child takes 3/5 mins certainly not ur

If mum sits down picks up menu chats about food orders drink takes 10+ minutes the obviously ur.

One would think if it was more than 5 minutes it would have been stated in the op given that would then be more obviously a slam dunk in her favour.

unlucky83 · 06/01/2014 16:14

bling - no it isn't hard to understand -I do understand... all I am trying to say is we can only do our best and we can't and don't always get it right...sometimes it can be hard to make the right decision..
Crossing the road, cinema - or school play are one thing - you would have to be on them straight away -but once you have gone down the ignore path it is hard sometimes to know what to do - without teaching the child if they carry on for long enough they will get your attention...
Even the OP says it was a family friendly restaurant and she expected crying and tantrums - just was annoyed the mother didn't react faster...
(tbh I would hope the mother did apologise (if she didn't she might just have been too embarrassed by the whole thing))

BlingBang · 06/01/2014 16:31

Don't get that you think the cinema or school play is one thing, but a restaurant (and at a strangers feet) is different and possibly ok to ignore as that a your parenting choice. I'D be gobsmacked and would judge the parent that did this, god - I'm obviously turning to Victor Meldrew!

HelloBoys · 06/01/2014 17:20

Just taking this further so if some little brat kicks me in the shin whilst tantrumming I can't say 'ow that hurt' or 'go away'?!

I think you will find I can say that to the parent or child.

HelloBoys · 06/01/2014 17:21

that was to need a holiday now...

tantrumming child I normally sympathise or move or roll my eyes. depending on level of my stress.

I'm not perfect.

Goldmandra · 06/01/2014 17:43

If the child is tantruming because he wants to get out of the café

It's rather unlikely that they are tantruming because they are desperate to go and stand outside the restaurant and do nothing isn't it? Hmm

If they don't want to be there it will be either because there is somewhere else specific that they would rather be which you don't take them to or because they have some sort of additional needs which makes the environment particularly stressful for them, in which case it's a misjudgement to force them to be there in the first place.

unlucky83 · 06/01/2014 17:52

Bling - I get the impression it is a Harvester or similar - family friendly - not Le Gavroche (I wouldn't be brave enough to take a tantrum prone child anywhere like that Smile). Think if I went somewhere like that early-ish I wouldn't be surprised by a tantrum - or if it was one of mine throwing one I might have risked letting it blow over...
Thankfully my DC past tantrums now (well the kind that involved throwing themselves on the floor anyway) -and I said never had one in a restaurant/cafe ...but lots everywhere else and it is a horrible painfully embarrassing experience ...so have endless amounts of patience with the parents...
(Tell my almost teenage DD it is now my role to embarrass her as much as possible as revenge for the embarrassment she put me through when she was a toddler Grin

BlingBang · 06/01/2014 18:05

Guess we will never agree on this, even for just a Harvester.

OneInEight · 06/01/2014 19:16

It's rather unlikely that they are tantruming because they are desperate to go and stand outside the restaurant and do nothing isn't it? hmm

Sadly, if it was my son that is exactly what he would rather if something inside the café was causing him stress be it noise, lights, other people ....

Or in truth he would rather never come out of his bedroom at all meaning both he, his brother and me are locked in the house 24/7.

Strangely, enough I don't think I would be a good parent to either of my sons if I didn't at least try occasionally to take my son to places he finds stressful.

You will no doubt be glad that these days I seldom have the enthusiasm to even try so will leave you and your friends in the café in peace...

Adeleh · 06/01/2014 19:44

Starlight - poor you. How horrible. Vowing to be exceptionally nice to harassed parents now.

Goldmandra · 06/01/2014 19:44

*Strangely, enough I don't think I would be a good parent to either of my sons if I didn't at least try occasionally to take my son to places he finds stressful.

You will no doubt be glad that these days I seldom have the enthusiasm to even try so will leave you and your friends in the café in peace...*

I have two DDs with AS. They find certain environments like busy restaurants challenging and have ended up in meltdown when we have got it wrong.

My point was that you don't do what the previous poster said and insist that they stay there in full on screaming mode just to make the point that they can't have what they want.

A child in full meltdown from sensory overload needs to be taken out for their own good for a start. You achieve nothing by keeping them there to make a point.

If I took my DD somewhere that cause her to go into full meltdown in this way it would have been a misjudgement on my part and we would leave immediately. That doesn't mean I should feel sorry for myself and victimised because other people didn't want their meal disturbed and it wouldn't prevent me from helping her learn to tolerate such environments by exposing her to them in a less challenging way.

Clarabumps · 06/01/2014 19:45

One in eight- exactly the same situation as me.

I have hundreds of comments I could say but I can't actually face writing them down as this thread has actually depressed the fuck out of me.

Some of you have been really horrible.

I cannot believe this is still going.

Summary:
Those of you that would have moved your child, well done for being parent of the year.

Those of you that wouldn't have, you're a bunch of selfish arseholes.

I'm done with this bunfight. All over a 2 year old screaming for 2 minutes and it has descended in to an entitled rant over children never disrupting an adults dining experience.

Seriously some of you need to put on your big girl panties and realise that 2 minutes of screaming is not the fucking end of the world.

MadeOfStarDust · 06/01/2014 19:52

Clarabumps - to some of us it is....

some of us "grown ups" have issues too...

"entitled ranting" is not the sole preserve (on this thread) of those who want to eat without a child screaming at their feet..

Mintyy · 06/01/2014 19:56

Yanbu. Anyone saying yabu is stupid.

StarlightMcKingsThree · 06/01/2014 19:56

Thanks Adeleh, Thankfully I have an older child with ASD and though it was still upsetting have developed the thick skin required.

It WAS horrible. Horrible fo me, horrible for ds and horrible for the passengers. Nothing like an overcroweded steamy bus crawling through unexpected traffic jams for what seems like hours, without an accompanying soundtrack of a hysterical toddler that will just NOT shut up. But just like everyone else, I had to get somewhere, and it WAS urgent.

thecatfromjapan · 06/01/2014 20:01

Hello there, Starlight. You have mail. Smile

Misspixietrix · 07/01/2014 07:37

And yet no one has been 'stupid' enough to outright state that the OP was being unreasonable have they? Hmm. It speaks volumes actually at the majority of MN who a) still continue not to RTFT b) they have gotten more worked up over a 2 year old or YOUNGER having a tantrum for 2 minutes than they have over some twats who have deliberately tripped a kid up because he was pissing her off. c) At least the tantrumming baby/toddler has chance to learn in the future, to adapt and change their behaviour whilst out and about in public settings unlike the immature adult.

BlingBang · 07/01/2014 07:52

Oh, stop being so dramatic with the grumpy faces. Whistleblower is like an attention seeking tantrumming toddler, I choose to ignore this kind of behaviour when I can - but not in a restaurant of course!

Misspixietrix · 07/01/2014 08:40

Hahaha! You call that dramatic but its not okay to think people calling a 2year old tantrumming a brat is being a tad err? Dramatic too. Okay then Hmm

Goldmandra · 07/01/2014 09:13

Misspixie

Did you not read any of the comments about it not being OK to punish or harm children or to call them brats. If you look back through the thread you'll find them. It's just that lots of people chose not to allow those idiots to derail the thread Smile

Misspixietrix · 07/01/2014 12:11

Yes I did. I was simply pointing out people who call or advocate calling a 2yo kid a brat can not then assert that others are also being dramatic. You're right. We shouldn't have let it derail the thread but will remember next time what a PP said. Best not to feed something we shouldn't and it Will soon die out :) Hope thornrose is okay by the way if any other posters have heard from her.

BlingBang · 07/01/2014 12:22

Was that to me Miss as I used the 'dramatic' comment - please point out where I've 'advocated or called' anyone a brat this thread or are you just making it up as you go along.

HelloBoys · 07/01/2014 13:34

I called a 2 year old kid a brat hands up who KICKED ME when I was I think in Costa Coffee sitting at next table - I think they were 2, could've been 3 (this happened, mum just glanced at me as if it didn't happen).

I've also had the pleasure of the occasional child hitting, kicking etc and parent does nothing about it.

the parents that DO tell their little angel sorry Damien 666 child off for bad behaviour are the ones I admire etc and would never dream of calling their kids brats.

HTH

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