to keep DD home rather than send her to this?

[Sleeplesssister]

My DD aged 3 is meant to be attending an activities session tomorrow which will assess whether she gets into a certain girls prep school that DH is very keen on. Problem is, she has been throwing up since Saturday. DH says that if she manages breakfast tomorrow we should still send her, and that although we could re-schedule, the prep school will probably allocate all its places tomorrow so she will be at a disadvantage if they don't see her...

We will obviously see how she is tomorrow morning, and ask her how she feels about going to 'have a play' at this school, but my heart strings are going at the thought of sending her along when she is not feeling at her best. I went to school abroad so don't know how these sorts of schools work, anyone have any ideas or views?

Yes..some were harsh to OP.

But others..including me..were exasperated by the views of some..like poppyseeds deleted post and addressed them.

Its always the fault of those who are offended on here and not those who espouse the offensive views.

The thread was derailed by people going on about how schools are right to only accept children sho have no SN and are "normal" ..not those who objected.

I had a 3 year old who I took to an assessment day at a prep we thought we would send her to.

She was (and is) normal. And funny, and brilliant.

She was the youngest child there (was actually not-quite-three as August birthday), yet the only one who consistently remembered her manners. She knew (as the school put it) 'more than we expect, typically' in terms of labelling shapes, and colours etc. she answered the questions she was asked about the story she had heard, didn't interrupt, and so on.

She also had an ASD dx, which ultimately is why he was rejected. Te school tried to dress it up as concern for her, but they admitted they hadn't a leg to stand on in that respect, since she was actually better behaved, and academically knew more than the other chdren she was assessed alongside. Our then Early Years Inclusion officer, who attended meetings with us, said we had one of the strongest cases for disability discrimination she had seen, but what was the point? The scho didn't want her, and she would have been managed out at some point if we had insisted.

The language used on this thread by many has been horrible. There is nothing wrong withmy dd (and everything wrong with the school that rejected her). She is entirely normal.

I can't say what is always the case, Fanjo, just what I've seen on this thread.

As you say, OP was treated harshly. It didn't look to me as though there was anyone in her corner. So I wanted to support her.

Fair enough MrsN.

I wanted to correct the misconception that she was given an exceptionally hard time for using word "normal'. People just asked her not to say it.

Then got hacked off when people kept saying it.

NewBlueCoat that's horrible but quite apart from, as you rightly say, not wanting to send your DD to a school where she wasn't wanted or valued, I doubt you would have got anywhere. AFAIK private schools don't have to publish their selection criteria or prove that there is any form of fairness involved. They can select and reject on whatever basis they like, however odious that might be. Or can they? As I wrote that I was thinking that, actually, they presumably cannot legally select based on race or creed, so on the same basis they cannot legally reject based on disability either .

Maybe it has never been tested because no parent would want to send their DC somewhere where they were so clearly not wanted.

Look, I really do see why people get so upset about this issue. I did try not to take it all personally, but tbh I just could have done without some of the comments made, most of which were nothing to do with the question I asked or me - I read the comments late at night before going to spend the night sleeping on DD's floor to re-assure her if she was sick again (which she was). Was therefore a bit fragile this morning. I appreciate the few bits of advice and views I did get, like I said, lesson learnt about posting on this board. No flouncing. Just feel it was a bit of a shame.

I hope she has a lovely time when she does go, OP, and I hope it gives you a chance to get a good feel for the school and decide if you like it.

Op, aibu is harsh sometimes. And reverse snobbery is rife. If you mention private school there will always be snitty comments about being pushy or whatever. Try to schools boards another time or maybe chat?

Hope your dd gets well soon (and you get some sleep!)

We had a solid case, if we had wanted to persue it. Private schools are not allowed to not offer a lace on the bases of a dx alone.

Of course they can say they can't meet needs. But that was blatantly not the case at the time. By their admission, dd:

Was more polite and considerate than her peers
Knew more than they needed her to know (colours, shapes, basic understanding of turn taking and joining in games etc)
Had brilliant ability to sit still and listen to a story

And that was about all they wanted.

If they had quietly just not offered a place, we would never have known about the discrimination. Their mistake was that they called a meeting, and tried to list all the ways dd would not fit in. Which were untrue. And we had our Early Years officer with us taking notes.

As it happened, we only wanted dd to go there for the pre school years, while we got her statement lined up. So following it up was not in our interests (not least as we had bigger battles to fight at that time)

But it was very clearly a case of th not wanting dd because of her dx, as there was not a part of the 'assessment' she failed, including the social aspects.

The following week they told a good friend of ours (who was there with their dc) that they were an inclusive school who welcomed children with SEN. there were some very red faces ad swift backtracking when my friend called them out on this...

That is awful.

I hope she ended up somewhere she was happy.

Op..I do sympathise with you and your DD..noone wants to think if a wee girl being ill. Its hard.

Also hard when they are ill when something important to you is happening.

Thanks Fanjo. She did, and is doing brilliantly (you 'know' her from the SN board and FB)

Newbluecoat you should have fought against the discrimination for your daughter and all other sn children out there! We can't just watch this sort of thing go on and do nothing.

Ah so I do! She is indeed doing incredibly well . Their loss :)

Thants, my priority at that time was finding somewhere that dd could attend.

And fighting for her statement. Which took nearly 4 years in total, despite the legal timeline being 6 months

There really was no space to fight an timately useless fight for a place we wouldn't have taken (no way was I going to send dd to a place who were trying so very hard to keep her out). Dd would never have been able to stay for the school part (and we have never wanted ms school for her at all), so we would have fought for a place at pre school, nothing more.

But it was not possible anyway. The legal arguments, moving house 3 times, and county twice, and all the other assessments we had to line up, just to ensure dd received the education she is entitled to, took up every waking moment. There was no spare time to waste on a school who were so blinkered.

I have fought for my dd for the last 8 years. I have secured provision which is not given to many. Dd has proved most people wrong wrt predictions and outcomes. And she is only 9. She has so much more to give, and I will no doubt have many more battles to fight I ensure she can realise her potential. That one was not worth it.

Thanks Fanjo. She is fabulous, and has just wowed relatives over Christmas with how much progress she has made. Their loss, indeed.

I think it is very difficult and this kind of discrimination will continue to go under the radar and remain unchallenged because of course as NewBlueCoat says, why would you fight to send your child somewhere they weren't wanted in the first place?

Poppy do you honestly think children with additional needs are given a 121 fully funded at State school by the way? One or two hours a day is completely common unless you have significant needs. My DS initial allocation was 5 hours per week - so really there's no reason for a private school to say they can't support on the basis that a child would have full 121 in mainstream.

Zzzz they explicitly said to her it was because of sn where as usually one would have no proof. However now that Newbluecoat has explained the situation more I completely understand why they acted as they did.

I think the main problem is that as parents of a child/children with additional needs we come across constant abuse and discrimination. These days a simple trip to a shop will involve bus drivers breaking the law re buggies and wheelchairs on the bus, random strangers calling DS2 a "cripple" or following us around the shop saying "what's wrong with him then?" etc. And people don't understand what it's like if they're not extremely close to the child with additional needs. I looked after my cousin who has severe autism quite often before having DS2 but I didn't understand properly then although of course I thought I did!

And when we talk to people about it, they say we have brought it on ourselves or we shouldn't get so defensive, we should grow a thicker skin or they just don't believe it. After all it's so much nicer for them to pretend that additional needs is a child with learning difficulties who struggles a bit but is so loving or a child in a brightly coloured wheelchair who smiles all the time. And of course they all get whatever they need in terms of support/DLA etc (yeah right).

So that's why when someone makes a comment like that we immediately pull up the drawbridge and prepare to defend ourselves and our DC's. Because we have already dealt with so much and we are so used to fighting for the bare minimum. I want only good things for DS2 and DS4, same as I and other parents want only good things for our NT children. But I have to fight to get DS2 and DS4 anything close to what they need and I'm sick of it. So when people start talking about how it's for the best that children with certain additional needs shouldn't go to selective schools I get cross, even though I wouldn't want to send any of my DC's to a school like that anyway.

Hopefully now some people will understand why we as a group get offended and defensive but I won't hold my breath.

I

Oops. I don't feel we need to explain why we get angry.

I get angry because people say offensive insensitive things.

I don't mean a one off clumsy use of words. Then id just ask someone please not to say that.

I mean repeatedly sayingit after that or calling me all sorts for objecting.

Or saying disablist stuff.

Makes.me mad. And not because I have a fight IRL. I don't really.

Oops, probably shouldn't have posted on behalf of all mums of DC with additional needs . I've just had about enough of people saying that I'm being negative and that of course when DS2 is an adult he will be assigned a nice social worker who will sort out everything he is entitled to and make sure he gets a support worker who will push him in his wheelchair wherever he wants to go. He's not entitled to anything from social services now, there's no way he'll get anything when he's older. It will be done by me until I either get too knackered or die and then DS1 or DS3 will have to do it. Probably should have started a new thread in SN rather than just ranted on a random thread .