to think man up youre not the first or last person to have a baby

[bella411]

Sun 05-Jan-14 09:26:10
Sil just had her first baby middle of dec... We had our first baby April this year.

Since sil has had newborn she moved back in with her parents (at 30yo) n still with partner who mostly stays at his/their house. But more annoyingly she is expecting us to all work round her! For example nye we had all arranged to go to my sisters n myself, do n dd were stopping at sisters with my m&d. But sil decided few days before it was too cold to take her ds out but wanted us to go to her parents for nye but then get a taxi after midnight to go to my sisters. I refused as dd was to stick to her routine of bath, bottle bed albeit a bit later than normal. But no way was I taking travel cot to her mums to then wake dd up, wrap her up n put in taxi home to then try n get her asleep again. So sil n her parents didn't come nye.

Dp parents said they would come visit us on new years day, but then a few hours later cancelled sayin they couldn't leave sil on her own (even for an hour or 2) as her partner was off to watch football.

Sil has only had 1 nights at her own home as then got hysterical n made her parents come pick her up.

I'm not sayin lookin after a new born isn't overwhelming but I too bf dd (n still looked after dd after emcs ) but as my Dp said she has got to get into her own routine at home with her Dp n her ds needs to get use to his own home. Sil hasn't had a day on her own, so has got to learnt to do simple tasks with a baby. She lives an hour away from her folks (when she eventually goes home) but her dp works ft n will be out of the house 8 til 6 so she's really got to use to being on her own n her own routine.

Does she need a case of man up or am I being harsh. As when we said to parents about why she can't be left alone they just dismiss it.

When my first baby was a few weeks old, I was an absolute state. My parents and DH were very worried about me I was so anxious about everything. The ground felt like it was vibrating. The health visitor wanted me to be on ADs. It passed thankfully, but it was horrible.

No way would I have taken my 3 week old out on NYE. And god knows what my reaction would have been to being told to "man up".

My DC are 4 and 6 now and I coped just fine after those initial few weeks.

YABVVV fucking U.

So the baby was born mid December - depending on how you define 'mid' December( I would say 10th to 20th) , on NYE he might have been less than 2 weeks old!
YABU and it is not uncommon at all for new mothers to stay with their parents (think Kate Middleton) or have relatives to stay and indeed the reason for paternity leave.I was terrified of being left alone with my first child for at least 2 weeks after the birth, and even when my 5th DC was born on 21st Dec, there is no way I would have been up for doing anything on NYE

Oh dear your poor SIL. She has a brand new baby...not yet a month old. Many, I'd even go as far as to say most people find a new baby incredibly demanding even if they are not sufferring from PND. They are most likely nervous and exhausted. If you did not feel like this after the birth of your own child good for you, that doesn't mean you were more courageous or sensible it probably just means that you were lucky.

I didn't have people rushing round to help me when I had Dd as a single parent but I really wish I'd been more honest about how terrified and anxious I felt. I was a wreck for a good few months. In fact one of my regrets is that I didn't just "man up" and say to people "I'm actually NOT coping and I don't want to come round for dinner/go out for a drink/have people over for coffee...I want some support"

I don't think you give two hoots about how your SIL is coping. I think you're jealous and pissed off that she and her baby are currently the focus of your IL's attention.

YABVU and need to grow up.

I replied the same to your other thread-

I coped with DS more or less completely alone (single mother since birth) as a newborn. I get people telling me all the time how they couldn't cope, how strong I must've been, how hard it must've been etc. Do you know what? I'd have given up all the accolades about my strength/coping abilities to have what your SIL has. There's no glory in having no support network and no shame in having an extremely strong one. Stop judging OP.

What Westie said.

You had CBT for stress in pregnancy but she is BU for changing her NYE plans so she didn't have to sleep at yours?

You 'just knew' you had to get on with it when baby arrived so we're miraculously better?

Maternal suicide due to PND is a major problem. Just last night on a Facebook group I'm on a mum was sitting there ready to end it all and self-harming.

Be bloody thankful you never walked in those shoes and get over yourself.

Also it is proven in lots and lots of research that family support in the postpartum period prevents PND. I'm sure you wouldn't want anyone to suffer from serious illness so butt out and accept you are in no place to judge.

I've just seen another thread you posted about your family and their arrangements over christmas.

You really do seem to be incredibly insecurity and jealous of other family members.

In that thread other people comment on the behaviour of your partner and how that seemed to be affecting your relationships. I have to agree. Your relationship with your partner can't be great if your own family have excluded him over his rude behaviour.

Now whatever is going on with your family and your partner, it really has got nothing to do with your poor SIL. I would seriously have a good look in the mirror about whats going on under your roof before you start projecting your issues onto other people though. Particularly someone who might be at a vulnerable point in her life.

Op you sound nasty and bitchy.

You were so stressed during pregnancy you couldn't work yet you dont understand your sil could be stressed/anxious/depressed now??

No doubt plans were changed and allowances made to accommodate you when stressed and pregnant.

If not seeing his sil and parents for nye upset your dp tell him to get a grip.

I am severely lacking witb confidence with my dd to the point where I sometimes asky mum to stay when dp goes on the occasional business trip.

Do you think she's avoiding you because she just doesn't like you because you constantly lord it over her with capable you are at being a parent and how easy you find it?

Also agree that OP sounds rather jealous.

Probably because when she had pre natal stress, her PILs weren't supportive, but now SIL has a baby and is struggling a little, the support which OP wasn't offered is being given to SIL.

So OP maybe feels that because she managed to cope without the support, her SIL should do as well.

Just because OP should have had support when she needed it (pre natal) but didn't get it (either because she didn't ask, or PILs didn't want to help) doesn't mean that OP's SIL should be denied the support when she needs it.

I think you probably are being a tad unsympathetic but I completely understand where your coming from - is it possible that you are being so harsh because it seems PIL are being a bit unbalanced in the amount of attention/favouritism etc.

My SIL and her DH are the same, I describe it as learnt helplessness - that they rely on the ILs so much that they can't imagine doing things for themselves. It drives is mad as we just get on and do things, have no family support, no money and are completely exhausted yet all we hear is how tough SIL has it (despite SIL no having to pay for childcare, farming older child off every other weekend to PIL and living life pretty much exactly the same as Pre children(

We find it very draining

There you are not being unreasonable to think man up a bit but really its none of your business

I think the OP is clearly having a tough time of it herself and could do with some compassion.

OP I think you should try and be a bit kinder to your SIL. If I've understood correctly, her baby was only 2-3 weeks old at New Year. It is not at all unreasonable to not want to stay over at someone else's house with such a young baby.

When I had ds1, I found it really hard. He didn't breastfeed very well and the whole thing was a total blur of feeding, expressing and sterilising. I thought dh and I would be in this rosy little baby bubble with him but actually we really appreciated having support from my parents. Then we had a little time alone and they came back to help me when dh returned to work after his paternity leave. I have to say the whole experience of the early weeks really knocked my confidence.

Some babies are much much harder work than others. Some women just find it easier or harder as well.

Ok you managed, that's great for you. Some people manage even better then you! However other people don't manage at all and need a lot of support.

I think you can choose either to be hard hearted/think that she should man up or you can be empathic/supportive.

Everyone hits trouble at some point in their lives. This troubled spot is a great opportunity for you to show how much you care. She will sort the wheat from the chaff relationship wise during this troubled spot.

So what are you wheat or chaff?

Slightly off point, but I would be worrying about the relationship between sil and her dp.
She moves in with parents and he stays in their home, and then waltzes off to footie.

Odd IMO.

Excellent post Crafty.

falcon, op could start by showing some compassion to sil.

I am sure many people have one or another reason to feel bitter or disappointed about stuff (being treated unfairly, being left out or whatever) and can feel envious or jealous at times. However, seeking justification on the Internet for one's jealousy or envy is not very helpful.

Op is not asking how to cope better with the family situation she is unhappy about but asking us to validate her jealousy and agree with her that sil is a weakling who needs to change.

Anyways, she asked if she is being unreasonable, well thread speaks for itself.

Dyslexia has nothing whatsoever to do with typing "n" instead of "and", particularly when it has politely been pointed out to OP that this makes it difficult to understand her posts. The same applies to the constant typing of words ending in "ing" as "in". It's simply lazy and, when you've been told of the difficulty you are causing, it is rude.

I'm not sure what its got to do with you really.
How lovely for her to have this much support with her first baby, if live to be able to do that when my dds are older.

I'll admit I haven't read the entire thread, so take this for what it's worth. You, yourself, have a baby (or young enough for a bottle and a cot). Stop and think what a wonderful resource you could be for your SIL to learn from or lean on. For whatever reason, she is struggling and feels insecure in her ability to be a good mother. The two of you should be sharing fears, experiences, and tips, especially since you're 'ahead' of her in the game, having the older child. Maybe she looks at you and your ability to cope with a newborn on your own and feels even more inadequate. Try being part of the solution. Even if she is just being 'needy', your ability to be independent & confident in your mothering skills may rub off on her!

Remember we're all in this motherhood thing together. We need to support each other, not complain or tear each other down.

I think it really dependes on circumstances, and we don't know the whole story (your SIL may have PND?).
However, I think it is a bit strange that PILs were not able to leave her for a few hours. I am on the opposite side of the spectrum personally, where any interferance (offers of 'help' from my lovely PILs) made me extremely anxious so I can't imagine moving in to PILs with a newborn. That would kill me!).
I think I know where you are coming from, but there is nothing you can do so just try to be more sympathetic, hopefully she will feel better once the forth trimester is over.

I think your SIL could probably cope with 2 hours on her own on NYE but your PILs chose to spend the time with her intead of you. Sorry.

Can't help thinking that so many of the posters on this thread have missed an opportunity here to turn OP's view around from negative regarding her SIL to something more balanced... and still they blether on venting their spleens when OP has left.

I don't accept that anybody has to post in a specific way to satisfy readers' 'requirements'. They need to post so as not to break guidelines, that is all. If you can't understand a post/thread just leave it, can't you? I always think that posters who miss the subject of the thread to jump on others for spelling, grammar, text speak, poor syntax, whatever are thigh-rubbing morons who probably have nobody to hold them in any kind of regard in real life. That's really sad but no excuse whatsoever.

OP was unreasonable but having a vent and had acknowledged her feelings. Now she's left the thread. I'm sure that's due in no small part to the bitchy comments judging her for the quality of her posting and inclusion of text speak. What is wrong with you? I absolutely HATE this ganging up and bandwagon jumping. I imagine that MNHQ must give deep sighs and inwardly shudder at the same old, same old, cluttering up a site that's largely lauded for support.