to think man up youre not the first or last person to have a baby

[bella411]

Sun 05-Jan-14 09:26:10
Sil just had her first baby middle of dec... We had our first baby April this year.

Since sil has had newborn she moved back in with her parents (at 30yo) n still with partner who mostly stays at his/their house. But more annoyingly she is expecting us to all work round her! For example nye we had all arranged to go to my sisters n myself, do n dd were stopping at sisters with my m&d. But sil decided few days before it was too cold to take her ds out but wanted us to go to her parents for nye but then get a taxi after midnight to go to my sisters. I refused as dd was to stick to her routine of bath, bottle bed albeit a bit later than normal. But no way was I taking travel cot to her mums to then wake dd up, wrap her up n put in taxi home to then try n get her asleep again. So sil n her parents didn't come nye.

Dp parents said they would come visit us on new years day, but then a few hours later cancelled sayin they couldn't leave sil on her own (even for an hour or 2) as her partner was off to watch football.

Sil has only had 1 nights at her own home as then got hysterical n made her parents come pick her up.

I'm not sayin lookin after a new born isn't overwhelming but I too bf dd (n still looked after dd after emcs ) but as my Dp said she has got to get into her own routine at home with her Dp n her ds needs to get use to his own home. Sil hasn't had a day on her own, so has got to learnt to do simple tasks with a baby. She lives an hour away from her folks (when she eventually goes home) but her dp works ft n will be out of the house 8 til 6 so she's really got to use to being on her own n her own routine.

Does she need a case of man up or am I being harsh. As when we said to parents about why she can't be left alone they just dismiss it.

[Fairylea]

I think you're jealous. She's got a lot of help and it sounds like you didn't. But unfortunately that's life... I had awful pnd after having dd to the point I was on the maximum dose of antidepressants without being hospitalised and I lived with my mum and effectively allowed her to raise dd. I just felt overwhelmed with it all. Even now ten years later I cannot really remember much of dds first years. Thank goodness my mum was there to help. Dp was useless and I left him when she was 6 months old.

To the outside I appeared to be coping.

You don't really know what's going on.

And even if there is no pnd and she just enjoys the help so what? Does it matter??

I now have ds 18 months and no help at all as my mum now has health conditions but I am older and coping better and doing it all on my own. I'd love some help, it's fucking hard work as any parent knows. But I wouldn't begrudge anyone getting help.

You need to stop thinking about it.

[Andanotherthing123]

Your poor SIL-3 week old baby, wanting help from her parents who appear quite happy to provide it and getting judged by her SIL and BIL and blamed for not bringing a tiny baby out on nye when you didn't want that for your 9 month old?

It's not really impacting on your lives is it and as for ruining your DPs festive season, really?

You were signed off work for pre natal depression how would you have felt if SIL has told you to 'just get on with it'?

Yabu. If you can't offer support just stay away and mind your own business.

[bella411]

Ok, I suppose I am bein unreasonable n slightly well I was ok. I never said i don't think a newborn isn't easy but didhave a relaxed approach.

I do feel slightly miffed at nyes we were made to be the awkward ones for not altering plans last minute and not want to move dd stuff twice in 1 night. Where sil could have stopped ar my sister's.

I do think she will exceed at being a great mum, she is usually aconfident able woman n great with babies. Tho did home late ( not sayin that as a dig maybe more of a reason why she is more comfortable at parents than own home ) n just don't want her to get home n not being able to cope on own as not had. N I have tried to try no one has all the answers it's not perfect its all trial n error with babies.
Ps sorry to the and police. I thought we were all literate enough to know n is an abbreviation sorry my mistake.

[Geckos48]

Sorry your last post just didn't make any sense.

[Geckos48]

Ok, I suppose I am bein unreasonable n slightly well I was ok.

What does this sentence mean?

[FortyDoorsToNowhere]

It seems your the only one with the problem.

I agree that she needs to be able to be able to go home, but if this was my SIL I would want that when she was a lot more confident with her self

[SilverApples]

'Ok, I suppose I am bein unreasonable n slightly well I was ok.

What does this sentence mean?'

'OK, I suppose I am being unreasonable and slightly 'Well, I was OK with a newborn, so she should be too'

[ilovesooty]

Sorry, unlike some other posters who seem to understand you perfectly well, I'm losing the will to live trying to make sense of your posts.

I think you should mind your own business though by the sound of it.

[CommanderShepard]

Jesus tapdancing Christ she has a 3ish week old! Give her a break. At that point I didn't know which way was up and I would have loved my parents to have been near enough to help. You sound quite sad, actually. Do you feel your in-laws didn't support you as much as they might have done? It's ok to feel that way. It's not ok to take it out on someone else who hasn't done anything wrong.

For the record, I had an EMCS and breastfed too. No, it's not a walk in the park but I tell you what, I had a better recovery than a lot of my friends who had vaginal births. But what does it matter? She has a newborn. You do not. The newborn stage seems a lot easier when you're looking back at it - it definitely does for me - but my diaries from the time say something quite different.

Either way, the phrase 'man up' is utterly vile.

[ilovesooty]

In fact your entire last post is gibberish.

[PedlarsSpanner]

Wrt use of n:

Acronyms are fine. Txt spk gets our dander up, collectively speaking. Consider folk with visual issues who use aids or readers or speakers to access mumsnet next time, please.

[RedToothBrush]

Wow just wow.

Glad I'm not related to you.
Jealous and unreasonable aren't the words.

[IamInvisible]

I had both my babies in December, I never took them anywhere on NYE. Well I did with DS2, it was back to hospital for a week with bronchiolitis.

DS1 was born mid-December, I was still in a haze of bleeding, sore stitches, leaking boobs, being knackered and trying to just get through the day on NYE.

I had no support, apart from DH, but that doesn't make me a better mother than those who moved in with their parents, or whose mum moved in with theirs. I'm not superwoman. That's just how it was. I wouldn't tell someone who was struggling to "man up" though, that's really nasty.

[LynetteScavo]

1. I feel really sorry for the SIL. It must be horrible to be feeling so nervous. Thank heavens she is getting family support.
   
   
2. The OP's posts are really difficult to read and understand.

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

Sorry - I really struggle to understand your posts too.

[TheFantasticFixit]

I had PND that was unfortunately undiagnosed at the time because I was so concerned with being 'seen' to be coping. I think the fact that your SIL is brave enough to admit to her parents that she needs support, and they are offering it unconditionally, especially as she had Antenatal depression is fantastic. Not everyone is able to immediately cope with the huge, life changing tsunami of emotion and responsibility that comes with having a newborn.

The baby is less than a month old and your posts are so judgemental. Your baby is older, and you are in a more established routine with them than your SIL, so it wasn't unreasonable that you were asked to do the moving about on NYE rather than she with a very tiny baby. I don't buy your faux 'concern' for her needing to be able to 'cope' with long days either - quite frankly she's doing that now by being in a safe place while she gets to grips with the demands of her new role.

What she really needs is someone supportive around her, who has recently been through the same wave of 'ohmybloodygodswhatsallthisabout?!', but sadly she has you, in all your judgemental glory.

Pride comes before a fall OP, and I really hope your smugness smacks you in the arse as you leave.

Finally, it's fucking AND. Not 'n'. The only one with a problem with literacy is you, my dear.

[TheseAreTheJokesFolks]

Lucky her.
YANBU for being [jealous] if your parents were not so supportive
YADBU for being so judgy and for using the term 'Man up'
So you managed - bully for you.
Her parents - their choice.

[bella411]

Sorry I am dyslexic n do miss words out, get thy wrong word n say half sentences as mind already onto next sentence n reading back I can't always see mistake as reads I think it should. So u do have to read between the lines.

As said I am not sayin it to be completely mean. Just if her parents n partner are all returning back to work. She goes to full time support to none. N that would be scary for anyone.

Last comment from me.

[WeAreDetective]

I would not have been happy stopping over at a non relative's house with a three week old baby. I would worry about disrupting everyone else's sleep and in making sure I had everything to hand.

I would also have been to knackered as my first would not sleep longer that 2 hours at a time.

So yes, it should have been you that re-arranged your plans. I can see you didn't want to wake your DC and put her in a cab. But your should not berate your SIL for not wanting to stay at your sister's either!

[janey68]

The only possible part of this where YANBU is if the other family members genuinely made you feel that you were being difficult when you refused to change plans to fit around your SIL for NYE. You were entitled to say no thanks, we'd rather not have to go out with our baby and then move her again after midnight to sleep somewhere else. So if they really did guilt trip you over that issue, then they were in the wrong. And in your shoes I would have much preferred a nice dinner in with my DH too. But tbh it sounds as though you resented the family for 'spoiling' your NYE so I'm not convinced its as simple as that. That's what I mean about you behaving in a needy way too. Yes, I can see its a bit irritating if the family suddenly expected everyone else's plans to change just to accommodate your SIL and her baby, but that's the point where as an adult you either graciously agree to change plans or equally graciously say no thanks, we'll do our own thing now, no worries. To say its ruined your NYE suggests a weird sort of reliance on your extended family which is exactly what you're accusing the SIL of

[mistermakersgloopyglue]

Can't believe no one has flamed the op for her use of 'man up'!

Yabu op, especially as you had difficulties in your own pregnancy. Lots of (judgy) people might think that someone who has almost a whole pregnancy off work with prenatal stress, might also need to 'man up'. After all you weren't the first person to ever get pregnant.

Also, to use the famous mumsnet saying, it's really none of your business if your sil is getting a bit of extra support with her newborn.

[WeAreDetective]

It's been mentioned, mister

[Birdsgottafly]

" n just don't want her to get home n not being able to cope on own as not had. "

I understand what you mean.

However, you are sticking your oar in, where it has no place.

She may have always had a level of anxiety, which has hit her harder during pregnancy.

My eldest DD has ADHD and anxiety, she is ttc.

We know that she will need a high level of support after birth. My middle DD has already saidcthatvshevwill move in with them (we are a close family). My DD probably won't be left on her own (unless requested) for at least a month.

Taking away her anxiety will make the bonding process easier.

Some women who need that level of support, but who don't get it, don't really ever bond. Some just live in misery.

You do really need to learn to MYOB, unless this is impacting on you.

I agree that your DH expecting "his" ? NYE to not change when there are two under 1's in the family is ridiculous.

Family's support each other at times of need. For whatever reason your SIL is in need and is being supported. You don't know why. Mum and Baby Units are full up and down the country with women needing support post birth, who don't have family's that can provide this.

My DD's certainly wouldn't be turned away. I got on with my three, my DH worked away from home, but I wouldn't say that I was any better Mother because of that.

What exactly is the problem?

[Methe]

Please just write AND.