to think man up youre not the first or last person to have a baby

[bella411]

Sun 05-Jan-14 09:26:10
Sil just had her first baby middle of dec... We had our first baby April this year.

Since sil has had newborn she moved back in with her parents (at 30yo) n still with partner who mostly stays at his/their house. But more annoyingly she is expecting us to all work round her! For example nye we had all arranged to go to my sisters n myself, do n dd were stopping at sisters with my m&d. But sil decided few days before it was too cold to take her ds out but wanted us to go to her parents for nye but then get a taxi after midnight to go to my sisters. I refused as dd was to stick to her routine of bath, bottle bed albeit a bit later than normal. But no way was I taking travel cot to her mums to then wake dd up, wrap her up n put in taxi home to then try n get her asleep again. So sil n her parents didn't come nye.

Dp parents said they would come visit us on new years day, but then a few hours later cancelled sayin they couldn't leave sil on her own (even for an hour or 2) as her partner was off to watch football.

Sil has only had 1 nights at her own home as then got hysterical n made her parents come pick her up.

I'm not sayin lookin after a new born isn't overwhelming but I too bf dd (n still looked after dd after emcs ) but as my Dp said she has got to get into her own routine at home with her Dp n her ds needs to get use to his own home. Sil hasn't had a day on her own, so has got to learnt to do simple tasks with a baby. She lives an hour away from her folks (when she eventually goes home) but her dp works ft n will be out of the house 8 til 6 so she's really got to use to being on her own n her own routine.

Does she need a case of man up or am I being harsh. As when we said to parents about why she can't be left alone they just dismiss it.

[Ullapull]

YABU - some women find it harder than others. You've admitted she had antenatal anxiety (which may be why she is getting all the support she can right now). You've admitted you have found ways of coping and using mental resilience. Butt out unless you're actually going to support her. YABsoU it makes me sad, remembering my PND.

[EeyoreIsh]

You're bring harsh. So what if she's struggling to cope, not everyone can handle things the same way.

You can't blame your SIL for ruining your Xmas and NYE, especially since your child has a routine you didn't want disturbed. NYE is only one night, does it really matter if it wasn't exactly how you hoped?

[Killinascullion]

Yes, you're being overly judgemental. The baby's only 3 weeks old and it's quite an adjustment for anyone. If your SiL is finding it hard to manage alone, why shouldn't she ask for support from her parents?

Don't turn your relationship with your DP's family into a competitive parenting one. It will destroy it. Please read the many sad posts on here about problems with PiL's and SiL's before you step foot down that road.

You will all benefit if you can see her struggles as an opportunity for you to offer kindness & support rather than Playing Mrs Smug with your perfect family. (I'm not saying you are deliberately doing this but you might be coming across that way.)

[Monetbyhimself]

Bully for you.

[HowlingTrap]

I had PND with both my kids, the idea of not being around them of being cold for a second, someone doing something 'wrong' in the routine or being tired, melodramatic gasp sent my anxiety levels off the scale,

could she be suffering from that?

[SmallBee]

I think you just need to realise that just because you were lucky enough to manage with your newborn, your SIL isn't able to in the same way as you.
Luckily she has a support network to rely on and that is just what she is doing. Too many people don't ask for help when they need it because they're ashamed of being judged and as a result they struggle when they needn't.
You can't say 'oh well I coped so everyone else should too' because everyone's baby is different, everyone's births are different and everyone's support is different.
Maybe you could think of ways to support her and help her become the confident parent it sounds like you've managed to be.

[bella411]

Obviously I wouldn't said this to her n as I have said I suffered from anxiety when pregnant had cbt.

This is more of a vent, n thinkin sil parents are making a rod for sil backs as she's back home today n partner back at work soon. N she needs to have had small times on own to get use to baby on own n baby used to not bein held full time. rather than having everyone around n then no one.

[MythosLivetheDream]

YABU and horrid.
Her partner not having a "very nice nye" is irrelevant, it's just a date in the calendar! I'm sure he'll have plenty more opportunities to get pissed. What about your sil? It doesn't sound like she's having a great time and all you do is bitch about her.
I don't think she was bu on nye, I wouldn't have gone out with a two week old either.

[PrimalLass]

You are being ridiculous. My mum flew back (then home) to the Middle East when my DS was 2 weeks old. A week later she flew back because I wasn't coping without her. She super-nannied us for 2 weeks. It was amazing.

Stop being so judgemental - as if a night in on NYE matters when you have a newborn and are not coping.

[RedorBlack]

I think you are being way to harsh here. Not everyone copes well with being a new parent & their could be any number if reasons behind this. Frankly if your posts are at all indicative of the level of 'support' you & your DP have given her I'm not surprised she feels she needs help & hasn't shared why with you.

As for ruining nye for your DP, yes how very inconsiderate of her to want to put her baby's needs first , which is exactly what you did my not wanting to disturb your own little one. She wnbu to ask, & you wnbu to refuse.

YABVVVU to be so hard on her. Because guess what, she knows and you're not helping. Try giving her a little support rather than judging her.

[bella411]

N long days on own. Which when ur partner is out at work the days are.

As I've said I not tried to offer advice on how I did things just explained its all trial n error with a baby n it still is. We are still learning.

[noblegiraffe]

If you were just worried she won't cope on her own when her partner goes back to work that would be reasonable.

But bitching that a new mum wouldn't take her weeks old baby out on NYE and that this spoiled your evening is just outrageously selfish and nasty.

[AcheyFanny]

Is there something wrong with your keyboard?

[CoffeeTea103]

Her baby is just a month old and you expect just because you coped better she does it too. Get over yourself, your dp and your nye is irrelevant to the new baby and you both should also be trying to be more supportive.

[Casmama]

Oh yes god forbid she should need to ask for more support once she is home!

The overwhelming response is that Yabu and unkind and need to mind your own business or be supportive - which part of that do you not understand?

[bella411]

N nye isn't her not coming as I never imagined we would have celebrated never mind the sil. It's just then the parents not comin as sil wasn't.

[ASmidgeofMidge]

YABU and extremely harsh / judgemental. As others have said, she may be experiencing pnd or anxiety; she may simply be using (quite sensibly and rightly) the support that's available to her, whilst it's available.
Why has that prompted you to 'vent'?
What support are you offering her?

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

It's none of your business. You sound spiteful and jealous. YABU!!

[ASmidgeofMidge]

I have a dd of 6 and didn't go out on NYE

[notallthere]

OP, are your "a" and "d" keys not working on your keyboard? It's "and", not "n".

Oh, and YABU.

[noblegiraffe]

Why shouldn't the parents prioritise the daughter who has a brand new baby on NYE over the son who is at a party with others?

[selsigfach]

Ah I thought it was a Dec 12 baby rather than a newborn. I retract my earlier comment. YABU and a bit of a cow - it's nothing to do with you, butt out.