to think man up youre not the first or last person to have a baby

[bella411]

Sun 05-Jan-14 09:26:10
Sil just had her first baby middle of dec... We had our first baby April this year.

Since sil has had newborn she moved back in with her parents (at 30yo) n still with partner who mostly stays at his/their house. But more annoyingly she is expecting us to all work round her! For example nye we had all arranged to go to my sisters n myself, do n dd were stopping at sisters with my m&d. But sil decided few days before it was too cold to take her ds out but wanted us to go to her parents for nye but then get a taxi after midnight to go to my sisters. I refused as dd was to stick to her routine of bath, bottle bed albeit a bit later than normal. But no way was I taking travel cot to her mums to then wake dd up, wrap her up n put in taxi home to then try n get her asleep again. So sil n her parents didn't come nye.

Dp parents said they would come visit us on new years day, but then a few hours later cancelled sayin they couldn't leave sil on her own (even for an hour or 2) as her partner was off to watch football.

Sil has only had 1 nights at her own home as then got hysterical n made her parents come pick her up.

I'm not sayin lookin after a new born isn't overwhelming but I too bf dd (n still looked after dd after emcs ) but as my Dp said she has got to get into her own routine at home with her Dp n her ds needs to get use to his own home. Sil hasn't had a day on her own, so has got to learnt to do simple tasks with a baby. She lives an hour away from her folks (when she eventually goes home) but her dp works ft n will be out of the house 8 til 6 so she's really got to use to being on her own n her own routine.

Does she need a case of man up or am I being harsh. As when we said to parents about why she can't be left alone they just dismiss it.

[RedToothBrush]

Being dyslexic does not mean you have to post like that. You post like that because you are lazy. And because you lack and understanding of how other people might find what you say difficult to understand - particularly if they might be dyslexic too.

Speaks volumes tbh.

[roundtable]

You're being very harsh op. She's clearly struggling and at least she's being proactive in getting support from her family.

You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. Concentrate on your own family and leave her to it if it annoys you so much.

Unless you're about to do a massive drip feed...

[bella411]

Thanks!

[Birdsgottafly]

"Just if her parents n partner are all returning back to work. She goes to full time support to none. N that would be scary for anyone. "

There may be plans being put in place, I wouldn't share them with you, given your attitude.

Things could change drastically, she could be considering AD's, for instance. Or after six weeks feel much better. It's really early days.


You also don't know that state of her relationship and whether it us a matter if her being protected, in any way.

However, speculation isn't needed, it's sorted, whatever the immediate issue is.

For what it's worth, when my first Grand Child is due, I won't care how many babies have or are being born. It will be like s/he is the first ever baby, my world will revolve around her/him and my DD will be treated as though she is the first woman to give birth.

So you a VBU to try to tell her Mum what she should be doing/not doing.

[yetanotherstatistic]

What Redtoothbrush said.

[worldgonecrazy]

I practically lived at my parent's house in the week's following birth, and it helped me so much. Strangely, I was still able to feed, bathe and change pooey nappies when I was in sole charge. I think your sister in law is doing a very wise thing, and something we, sadly, seem to shy from in this country. A new mum having her own mum supporting her so closely is healthy and will beaking these first hormonally-upheaved weeks a lot easier. You should be happy to have married into such a close family, who will be setting good examples to your own child.

[worldgonecrazy]

beaking = be making

stupid phone!

[whiteblossom]

Have you asked you SIL how she is getting on at all? Offered support?

Personally I'd have wondered WHY she had moved home, are their other issues at play? Have you had a chat with sil to see how she is getting on? Everyone copes with motherhood differently. It took me six weeks to leave the house on my own and erm I even dragged my mum along with me, I was scared shitless. I just couldn't do it I had terrible PND but wouldn't tell anyone.

Perhaps your SIL just needs help and support and her m&d have done just that. This means your BIL can realx at work knowing she is taken care of.

stop seeing things from just your point of view

[MistressDeeCee]

Assuming she doesnt have PND or any other physical or emotional issues - then no OP I dont think you're being unreasonable at all. The world doesnt have to revolve around your SIL just because she's had a baby. Although Im guessing its not 'fashionable' to say this on Mumsnet as at times it seems being ridiculously precious is the norm.

Your parents had to cancel a New Year visit on the same day, just because she couldnt be left alone for an hour or 2 & her DP had swanned off to watch football? Well if she does have to 'man up' as you've termed it that conversation should be had with him, in the 1st instance - if she was feeling nervous about being left alone as a new mum then he'd have known it, yet felt ok to piss off into the distance as her parents were around. They shouldnt be accommodating him either. Staying in because he's gone out?! Theyre creating a rod for their own backs but maybe theyre happy to do so. Anyway..in the 'cancelled visits' situation I wouldnt be smiling either, but you'll possibly have more of that to put up with even though your DC is as much a grandchild as your SILs DC. Balance in all things, as it were. Not much you can do but let them get on with it all, unfortunately. People do what they want to do when all said and done.

[BitchyFestiveFace]

Dp and I moved in with my mum when first DC was born. I was a stressball and the help was invaluable. It was a good couple of months before I felt confident enough to cope on my own with the baby. I didn't have PND or any particular issues, I was just clueless and scared, as is normal when you are suddenly responsible for a helpless miniature person

And hell would freeze over before I'd faff about going anywhere on New Year's with a baby, especially a tiny one.

[ilovesooty]

Well said RedToothBrush

The OP and her lazy ignorant posts are an insult to people struggling with dyslexia.

[RedToothBrush]

Ridiculously precious????!!!!

Wow! You know much about mental health or anxiety? Perhaps you'd like an education and be wise to read the posts that are bound to follow that little insensitive and ignorant gem.

As for the partner, well do we know the whole story here? Do we know if he needed a break as he's struggling too? Or if the relationship is strained?

The fact that the OP herself states that the SIL is apparently behaving out of character, really says something. The impression that gives is that she wouldn't normally be one to be like this.

So much for getting someone the benefit of the doubt and supporting others. This is not a situation where there is a back history of attention seeking from what the OP has said. In fact she has said the opposite (unless she is about to drip feed).

[Wevet]

I agree with the majority. I found the first two months of my baby's life awful, I'm sure in part because our families all live in another country, and we had no support network. I wasn't able to BF and was recovering from a CS, and it was terribly hard and lonely. Maybe if I'd had family close by, I would have relied on them just as heavily as your SIL.

Good for you if you managed the newborn stage with aplomb. Not everyone does, though. You sound resentful -did you want support you didn't get?

Also, her husband doesn't sound that supportive.

[bella411]

For people bashing my grammar my post difficult to read. As bein unable to proof read my post. N saying it's an insult to people struggling with dyslexia I find insulting. After years of struggling and only bein diagnosed once in further education I shall make sure I get an external party to read messages before I post in future thanks.

[RedToothBrush]

Do you need someone to proof read N being substituted for and????

Really???

No you are LAZY.

[ilovesooty]

Try developing some understanding of dyslexia and the fact that the processing difficulties of others differ from yours.

I stand by what I said.

[PedlarsSpanner]

[IHaveSeenMyHat]

From what you're describing, she isn't well right now.

I sympathise. After my DD was born, I was a traumatised, exhausted, anxious wreck. I could barely function. I spent a LOT of time with my parents while my husband had to stay at home 50 miles away (he still needed to work). I just couldn't cope.

[hoppinghare]

Haven't read all the thread yet but I know how irritating it can be when you have babies and are just left to get on with it with nobody even thinking you may like a little help the odd time and then someone else in the family has one and everyone acts as though they will break if left alone with the baby. It does make you feel like they consider you a second class family member. I wouldn't care about the nye thing. Just try and look it as them thinking you are capable and be happy you are.

[Mosquitosound]

Bella, we have all felt jealous or left out in one form or other. Not a nice feeling, granted.

Best case scenario: you read the response on this threads again (maybe with a or ) and take a good honest hard look at yourself.

Then you realise that feeling jealous etc. is not unusual but as a grown up mother and a sil to this woman you can choose to be understanding and supportive towards her (and your niece/nephew) and to also put your own boundaries in place. If the ny arrangements didn't suit you or your own family, it's ok to say No we can't join and have a lovely time at home. Come on, don't be a sour puss.

Bitching about your sil on the internet makes me think You should woman up or even better grow up. You have a choice, to be a decent sil or a bitchy one. It's not always easy, I know but which role will you choose?

[fivegolddeblooms]

So you were happy for her to drag her newborn baby out after midnight, but weren't happy when she asked if you could do the same with your 9 month old?

I think it was a ridiculous expectation of her on the first place if she's an anxious mother of a 3 week old baby - who came up with the suggestion? She probably felt railroaded into it.

I can't think of any worse way to spend NYE with a 3 week old baby than at the house of my SIL's sister.

[fivegolddeblooms]

(ok, I can think of worse things) but coming over to my SIL's sister's house just because that's what SIL wants, nope.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Do you usually get on well with sil?

Only, the way you're judging her seems unusually lacking in generosity.

I can understand that you might be a if your newborn experience was different to her, if you are simply a different personality to her but your post is just a bit...mean.

[Geckos48]

Most of the people I know with dyslexia are Meticulous with their posting styles.

Occasionally they might do things like this 'ocassionally' but with the wonder that is predictive text even stuff like that isn't an issue anymore.

Frankly they wouldn't respond to your post because it is barely legible.

I don't see such an issue with changing 'and' for 'n' but you HAVE to separate things out more.

Make more full stops and paragraphs, make it easy to read.


Thank you silver for explaining that to me!

Don't suppose you want to give the rest of the post a bash?