to think man up youre not the first or last person to have a baby

[bella411]

Sun 05-Jan-14 09:26:10
Sil just had her first baby middle of dec... We had our first baby April this year.

Since sil has had newborn she moved back in with her parents (at 30yo) n still with partner who mostly stays at his/their house. But more annoyingly she is expecting us to all work round her! For example nye we had all arranged to go to my sisters n myself, do n dd were stopping at sisters with my m&d. But sil decided few days before it was too cold to take her ds out but wanted us to go to her parents for nye but then get a taxi after midnight to go to my sisters. I refused as dd was to stick to her routine of bath, bottle bed albeit a bit later than normal. But no way was I taking travel cot to her mums to then wake dd up, wrap her up n put in taxi home to then try n get her asleep again. So sil n her parents didn't come nye.

Dp parents said they would come visit us on new years day, but then a few hours later cancelled sayin they couldn't leave sil on her own (even for an hour or 2) as her partner was off to watch football.

Sil has only had 1 nights at her own home as then got hysterical n made her parents come pick her up.

I'm not sayin lookin after a new born isn't overwhelming but I too bf dd (n still looked after dd after emcs ) but as my Dp said she has got to get into her own routine at home with her Dp n her ds needs to get use to his own home. Sil hasn't had a day on her own, so has got to learnt to do simple tasks with a baby. She lives an hour away from her folks (when she eventually goes home) but her dp works ft n will be out of the house 8 til 6 so she's really got to use to being on her own n her own routine.

Does she need a case of man up or am I being harsh. As when we said to parents about why she can't be left alone they just dismiss it.

[BuffyxSummers]

So sil decides she wants her newborn ds to stay at home and she needs to man up but you decide your 9 month old needs to stay at home and that's okay?

I think you have jealousy and attention issues!

[Casmama]

Lol at "she's a new mum not an alcoholic!"

[janey68]

I think you're way off the mark because you seem to want to believe that your SIL is behaving like some sort of a spoilt brat, indulging herself like this. To be totally honest with you I imagine it must feel extremely debilitating to be so reliant on other people. She may have PND, there may be other issues or she may just have a very low coping threshold, but whatever the case, it can't be a bundle of fun for her.
She's missing out on the experience of being her own little family unit with her partner and feeling able to cope.

I'm not suggesting there is anything wrong with a bit of support. There's a happy medium, and I for one would have loved say, a week of just having someone for support because looking after a newborn is scary! My parents weren't local, and my DH was back at work the next day as my kids were born pre paternity leave. That was a tough call and my life would have been easier with a little help. But moving out of her own home and literally not being able to be left for more than an hour or so to care for her baby is not normal, and you should be showing sympathy rather than judging. I'm sure your SIL doesn't want to be like this. Sounds like there may be issues with her relationship too.

The other thing I don't get at all is why you feel this has spoilt your Christmas and New year. That makes you sound just as needy as your SIL tbh- as if you can't be responsible for creating your own Christmas. I would have just got on and done our own thing... No need to change plans, just get a babysitter and have a night out, or invite your friends round or have a celebratory night in with your husband. Lots of possibilities which could all have been equally enjoyable as the original plan.

Focus on your own life and be pleased that you could cope with your baby. Being highly anxious and needy at the level your SIL is, is nothing to be envious of

[maddening]

I'd let her be - we all cope in our own way and if she needs support from her own parents and they are happy to help then that is fine.

It will be hard juggling the needs of the dc for a while - trying not to upset routines too much etc so for now you do what suits you and they will do what suits them -newborns have different needs to 8mth olds but once they are a little older the gap closes in terms of routines and get togethers will be easier - and the dc will entertain each other.

[BeanoNoir]

Even if you've had a baby yourself you can't know what somebody else's experience is like. If she is really struggling but getting the support and help she needs it might make her feel awful to know someone is thinking she should be coping better. It would be much worse if she needed the support but was scared to ask for it for fear of people thinking what you wrote in your thread title.

I understand it might feel unfair to you but you should feel lucky that you were able to manage without that level of support.

[WeAreDetective]

Yah, I think you need to let this go. It's not your problem at all.

It's not just about not saying anything to her face bit also letting it go in your mind. All you are doing is getting knotted up inside and it's really not worth it at all.

There are two threads about this?? See how you appear to be a bit obsessed with it all? Not worth it!

[SilverApples]

It's the first time she's had a baby, so what the rest of the world has done is fairly irrelevant. Mid December, this baby is less than 4 weeks old?
I had a baby with no experience of handling anything under 8 years old. I went to my parents, with OH and had the baby there, and stayed for a couple of months afterwards. I didn't have PND, I was just very clueless and grateful to have my mum around, and so was OH.

My SIL was completely the opposite with her first, confident and knowledgeable. I'm glad she's a lovely sympathetic person who didn't sneer and tell me to 'man up'

[WeAreDetective]

No idea where 'yah' came from! Sound mega posh now

[yetanotherstatistic]

It's you and your dp who need to man up and stop being so jealous of the attention your sil is getting.

Cut her some slack and give her some support.

Why don't you stop criticising and spend the extra time making your text more legible?

[Welshwabbit]

Agreed BeaWheesht - I've noticed that it's only when people think the OP is being unreasonable that the grammar knives come out! I don't agt with you, OP, but I can understand your posts perfectly well!

[Welshwabbit]

Especially as I am seemingly unable to type 'agree' myself!

[maddening]

Ps I agree it was a lot to expect a newborn to come to you if you weren't going to put them up for the night.

You could have gone round in the day - enjoyed the babies - bathed them there and put you dc in her sleeping clothes to go home abd straight to bed - then invited others eg friends and family to come round for drinks and a nice nye.

[WeAreDetective]

Can I just say that I hate the phrase 'man up' when applied to a woman dealing with a new baby. There's nothing particularly especially manly that needs doing in this situation.

[SilverApples]

Man up in this context seems to mean 'Go to a football match'

[TSSDNCOP]

Competitive parenting at its very worst.

So you soldiered on, but chose to judge your SIL at 3 weeks in.

Maybe you could make yourself a little medal OP.

[Geckos48]

So you don't think you should wake up your kid on NYE but you are fine with her doing the same with a tiny baby?

YABU.

[Hoppinggreen]

I kind of know what you mean. When my SIL had her first baby our DD was 4 and we were all supposed to offer her lots of help and support, which I did, despite being heavily pg myself!!
Even after DS was born a month later she had to come first as her baby was " difficult" and everything had to revolve around her routine despite me having a newborn and a4 year old!!
She is very neurotic and made things harder than they needed to and then made things worse by having another baby ( getting pg when her baby was 10 months old) it got worse from then on and I suppose I had been spoilt by having my lovely mil support and help me a lot when I had had my first child but as soon as SIL was pregnant that mostly stopped and we were all supposed to help SIL who was " delicate" and " not coping"
Personally I think she's just bloody lazy and disorganised.
It's very frustrating, especially since mil bought their house off them so they could move closer to her ( same road) and now complains about having no money.
Also, if we want to see them we have to go down there as it's easier for SIL, despite her children being 5 and 3 now!!!
Not much you can do I'm afraid apart from get on with your own life and make your own arrangement and don't change them ( within reason)

[WeAreDetective]

silverapples!

[PedlarsSpanner]

Leave her be, let it go

Have a think about why it upsets you so

She has masses of support, are you jealous or perhaps wistful about your post partum experience? We can explore those issues.

[cupoftchai]

It's woman up, if u must use the phrase. And no, she shouldn't.

[yetanotherstatistic]

People picking you up on your poor English is just as unfair as you criticising your SIL's parenting. We don't know why you can't get to grips with it anymore than we can know if she is having problems. All we can go on is how you put your points across.

[happytalk13]

YABVVVVVU - all the reason I think why have already be mentioned.

[StealthPolarBear]

"Her partner won't stick around for long if she keeps this up. Was she vulnerable/this needy before having a baby?"

Spiteful bitchy and woman hating.

Didnt really understand the op. Are you pregnant, baby in april this year? Got lost amongst all the sisters n sils

[StealthPolarBear]

Just to clarify my "spiteful" comment was about the post, not the poster, who I am sure is a little ray of sunshine

[SilverApples]

Agree Stealth. My partner was supportive and uncritical and stuck around because the baby was a commitment we both made and we worked through all the problems.
Then a few years later, we did it all again and it was so much easier because we knew so much more.
OP, you sound a very unpleasant person.