to think man up youre not the first or last person to have a baby

[bella411]

Sun 05-Jan-14 09:26:10
Sil just had her first baby middle of dec... We had our first baby April this year.

Since sil has had newborn she moved back in with her parents (at 30yo) n still with partner who mostly stays at his/their house. But more annoyingly she is expecting us to all work round her! For example nye we had all arranged to go to my sisters n myself, do n dd were stopping at sisters with my m&d. But sil decided few days before it was too cold to take her ds out but wanted us to go to her parents for nye but then get a taxi after midnight to go to my sisters. I refused as dd was to stick to her routine of bath, bottle bed albeit a bit later than normal. But no way was I taking travel cot to her mums to then wake dd up, wrap her up n put in taxi home to then try n get her asleep again. So sil n her parents didn't come nye.

Dp parents said they would come visit us on new years day, but then a few hours later cancelled sayin they couldn't leave sil on her own (even for an hour or 2) as her partner was off to watch football.

Sil has only had 1 nights at her own home as then got hysterical n made her parents come pick her up.

I'm not sayin lookin after a new born isn't overwhelming but I too bf dd (n still looked after dd after emcs ) but as my Dp said she has got to get into her own routine at home with her Dp n her ds needs to get use to his own home. Sil hasn't had a day on her own, so has got to learnt to do simple tasks with a baby. She lives an hour away from her folks (when she eventually goes home) but her dp works ft n will be out of the house 8 til 6 so she's really got to use to being on her own n her own routine.

Does she need a case of man up or am I being harsh. As when we said to parents about why she can't be left alone they just dismiss it.

[Alias78]

Do not underestimate the impact of OCD. It can be completely debilitating and, unfortunately, due to people saying jokey things like "ooh I'm a bit OCD" etc has made people think it's just a funny little quirk and seriously downplays the impact on a sufferer's mental health.

[Geckos48]

No worries x have a nice day.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I do see it, Gecko, and agree with you. You were the poster who posted directly after my initial one and that's why my wrathful post became geared to you but it wasn't directly about your posts. Apologies if it was rude.

I too like paragraphs, punctuation (too much, sometimes), fair spelling and grammar. I would say that people type in much the same manner here as in real life; it would be very complicated to switch between the two, I think. There's nothing worse than a poster retorting with claims of dyslexia. Whether it's true or not, it's awful that they feel they have to defend themselves.

Any barbs towards you from me were unintended, Gecko.

[Geckos48]

I agree with you about that, I really do.

I was just trying to say what (to me) the boundaries of reasonable and unreasonable are.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Gecko, fair enough. I've read back through the thread and your posts weren't actually any that I picked up as rude. I wouldn't have picked out your posts anyway but in any event, you have the right to post as you see fit.

Some of the posts offer no acknowledgement of OP's post, they're solely there to pick on her posting style. Then there are the bandwagon jumpers who feel the need to pile on. It disgusts me.


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notallthere Sun 05-Jan-14 10:01:23

OP, are your "a" and "d" keys not working on your keyboard? It's "and", not "n".


Not the only poster to do it, there were several. I thought it was pathetic. The posters that do this probably do it on many threads and I doubt that any entreaty to them to stop would ever hit the target.

[Geckos48]

I did offer her support, when I could, but when I couldn't read her message I told her that.

Not because I am some pedant on high, because it was impossible to understand her!

As for my previous post, you brought it up, I was just having a conversation with you. No need to be rude.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Wow, Gecko, my earlier post obviously hit a nerve.

How does your pointing out of somebody's 'errors' change or improve their post? I'll concede that adding a space or two to break up a long paragraph does help with readability and is easier on the eyes. But, regardless of the misdemeanour I'd never instruct somebody to correct it. That's rude. I wouldn't be so arrogant as to assume that my input would make a jot of difference, knowing that if I can't read a post I can safely leave it to others who can read it to comment.

You then go on to make an assumption that I think legible posting isn't important. I personally don't write in text speak, I use paragraphs and full stops. It is important to me that I do. I don't judge or instruct others on the need to do the same unsolicited because it's ill-mannered; that is important to me too.

I'm not purposely needling you. I'm generally fed up with the pedants who feel it is their God-given right to derail threads with self-satisfied 'corrections'. I smile wryly to myself when they get it wrong and wonder what their point was exactly.

[elliejjtiny]

I can see both points of view tbh. Your SIL sounds like she is struggling and needs extra support. I had 8 weeks constant support when my DS4 was born in June and I couldn't have managed without it. My DS4 was prem, born by C-section, spent 4 weeks in NICU/SCBU and had various health issues (still does). DS2 (5) has additional needs and needs lifting and DS3 is a typical lively toddler. I also have DS1 (7). I couldn't lift DS2 for 8 weeks or lift DS3 for 6 weeks. I also needed to spend a lot of time at the hospital for the first 4 weeks. For several weeks after that I was having to get to appointments several times a week. Not easy when you have 4 children to look after, a double buggy and a wheelchair on the bus. It was so much easier when someone could give me a lift and look after the older 3 children.

However when DS2 was born (also with various health issues but was a natural birth) DH had to go back to work when he was 10 days old. I muddled along somehow, with DS1 who was 22 months as well and was quite jealous of people who had support from family.

Did you get support when you had anxiety in pregnancy? I can imagine that if you didn't, then seeing your SIL getting the support she needs now would make anyone jealous.

[Geckos48]

'Made you itch'

Okay you feel it is not important to have legible posts

I do.

I don't see what is to 'itch' about

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Sorry but your post makes me itch, Gecko. I didn't ask for a patronising lecture on text speak/paragraphing and neither did OP.

If it's 'impossible to read' then... perhaps don't read it? Or if you simply must attempt to read it, give yourself a pat on the shoulder and move on without comment.

There are altogether too many red-pen-teacher-wannabe's here and this thread seems to be like 'catnip'.

[Geckos48]

Lying, I have no issue with a poster using N instead of 'and' it is fine.

Unfortunately if you do not break up your posts with commas, full stops and paragraph breaks it makes it impossible to read. Its not about grammar, its about making it legible.

so if I write

me n sue we went to the shop n there was this guy there n he was a bit creepy well i said i think he is a bit creepy n sue the same as me n when we tried to leave he tried to follow us n sue kicked him n we both went n i said when we got home that it was a bit weird n wanted to phone the police AIBU

compared to

me n sue went to the shop

n there was this guy in there n he was a bit creepy

well I said he was creepy n sue agreed with me

etc etc etc

you see just breaking it up (even in a grammatically incorrect way) makes it legible.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

... edited lowlights below. There are too many littering the thread.

========================
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Methe Sun 05-Jan-14 11:11:38

Please just write AND.


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RedToothBrush Sun 05-Jan-14 11:13:29

Being dyslexic does not mean you have to post like that. You post like that because you are lazy. And because you lack and understanding of how other people might find what you say difficult to understand - particularly if they might be dyslexic too.

Speaks volumes tbh. Yes it does, about you.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Can't help thinking that so many of the posters on this thread have missed an opportunity here to turn OP's view around from negative regarding her SIL to something more balanced... and still they blether on venting their spleens when OP has left.

I don't accept that anybody has to post in a specific way to satisfy readers' 'requirements'. They need to post so as not to break guidelines, that is all. If you can't understand a post/thread just leave it, can't you? I always think that posters who miss the subject of the thread to jump on others for spelling, grammar, text speak, poor syntax, whatever are thigh-rubbing morons who probably have nobody to hold them in any kind of regard in real life. That's really sad but no excuse whatsoever.

OP was unreasonable but having a vent and had acknowledged her feelings. Now she's left the thread. I'm sure that's due in no small part to the bitchy comments judging her for the quality of her posting and inclusion of text speak. What is wrong with you? I absolutely HATE this ganging up and bandwagon jumping. I imagine that MNHQ must give deep sighs and inwardly shudder at the same old, same old, cluttering up a site that's largely lauded for support.

[Upcycled]

I think your SIL could probably cope with 2 hours on her own on NYE but your PILs chose to spend the time with her intead of you. Sorry.

[BazilGin]

I think it really dependes on circumstances, and we don't know the whole story (your SIL may have PND?).
However, I think it is a bit strange that PILs were not able to leave her for a few hours. I am on the opposite side of the spectrum personally, where any interferance (offers of 'help' from my lovely PILs) made me extremely anxious so I can't imagine moving in to PILs with a newborn. That would kill me!).
I think I know where you are coming from, but there is nothing you can do so just try to be more sympathetic, hopefully she will feel better once the forth trimester is over.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'll admit I haven't read the entire thread, so take this for what it's worth. You, yourself, have a baby (or young enough for a bottle and a cot). Stop and think what a wonderful resource you could be for your SIL to learn from or lean on. For whatever reason, she is struggling and feels insecure in her ability to be a good mother. The two of you should be sharing fears, experiences, and tips, especially since you're 'ahead' of her in the game, having the older child. Maybe she looks at you and your ability to cope with a newborn on your own and feels even more inadequate. Try being part of the solution. Even if she is just being 'needy', your ability to be independent & confident in your mothering skills may rub off on her!

Remember we're all in this motherhood thing together. We need to support each other, not complain or tear each other down.

[Ledkr]

I'm not sure what its got to do with you really.
How lovely for her to have this much support with her first baby, if live to be able to do that when my dds are older.

[nennypops]

Dyslexia has nothing whatsoever to do with typing "n" instead of "and", particularly when it has politely been pointed out to OP that this makes it difficult to understand her posts. The same applies to the constant typing of words ending in "ing" as "in". It's simply lazy and, when you've been told of the difficulty you are causing, it is rude.

[Mosquitosound]

Excellent post Crafty.

falcon, op could start by showing some compassion to sil.

I am sure many people have one or another reason to feel bitter or disappointed about stuff (being treated unfairly, being left out or whatever) and can feel envious or jealous at times. However, seeking justification on the Internet for one's jealousy or envy is not very helpful.

Op is not asking how to cope better with the family situation she is unhappy about but asking us to validate her jealousy and agree with her that sil is a weakling who needs to change.

Anyways, she asked if she is being unreasonable, well thread speaks for itself.

[JingleJoo]

Slightly off point, but I would be worrying about the relationship between sil and her dp.
She moves in with parents and he stays in their home, and then waltzes off to footie.

Odd IMO.

[Toecheese]

Ok you managed, that's great for you. Some people manage even better then you! However other people don't manage at all and need a lot of support.

I think you can choose either to be hard hearted/think that she should man up or you can be empathic/supportive.

Everyone hits trouble at some point in their lives. This troubled spot is a great opportunity for you to show how much you care. She will sort the wheat from the chaff relationship wise during this troubled spot.

So what are you wheat or chaff?

[ShoeWhore]

OP I think you should try and be a bit kinder to your SIL. If I've understood correctly, her baby was only 2-3 weeks old at New Year. It is not at all unreasonable to not want to stay over at someone else's house with such a young baby.

When I had ds1, I found it really hard. He didn't breastfeed very well and the whole thing was a total blur of feeding, expressing and sterilising. I thought dh and I would be in this rosy little baby bubble with him but actually we really appreciated having support from my parents. Then we had a little time alone and they came back to help me when dh returned to work after his paternity leave. I have to say the whole experience of the early weeks really knocked my confidence.

Some babies are much much harder work than others. Some women just find it easier or harder as well.

[themaltesefalcon]

I think the OP is clearly having a tough time of it herself and could do with some compassion.

[roweeena]

I think you probably are being a tad unsympathetic but I completely understand where your coming from - is it possible that you are being so harsh because it seems PIL are being a bit unbalanced in the amount of attention/favouritism etc.

My SIL and her DH are the same, I describe it as learnt helplessness - that they rely on the ILs so much that they can't imagine doing things for themselves. It drives is mad as we just get on and do things, have no family support, no money and are completely exhausted yet all we hear is how tough SIL has it (despite SIL no having to pay for childcare, farming older child off every other weekend to PIL and living life pretty much exactly the same as Pre children(

We find it very draining

There you are not being unreasonable to think man up a bit but really its none of your business

[notallthere]

Also agree that OP sounds rather jealous.

Probably because when she had pre natal stress, her PILs weren't supportive, but now SIL has a baby and is struggling a little, the support which OP wasn't offered is being given to SIL.

So OP maybe feels that because she managed to cope without the support, her SIL should do as well.

Just because OP should have had support when she needed it (pre natal) but didn't get it (either because she didn't ask, or PILs didn't want to help) doesn't mean that OP's SIL should be denied the support when she needs it.