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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think man up youre not the first or last person to have a baby

187 replies

bella411 · 05/01/2014 09:29

Sun 05-Jan-14 09:26:10
Sil just had her first baby middle of dec... We had our first baby April this year.

Since sil has had newborn she moved back in with her parents (at 30yo) n still with partner who mostly stays at his/their house. But more annoyingly she is expecting us to all work round her! For example nye we had all arranged to go to my sisters n myself, do n dd were stopping at sisters with my m&d. But sil decided few days before it was too cold to take her ds out but wanted us to go to her parents for nye but then get a taxi after midnight to go to my sisters. I refused as dd was to stick to her routine of bath, bottle bed albeit a bit later than normal. But no way was I taking travel cot to her mums to then wake dd up, wrap her up n put in taxi home to then try n get her asleep again. So sil n her parents didn't come nye.

Dp parents said they would come visit us on new years day, but then a few hours later cancelled sayin they couldn't leave sil on her own (even for an hour or 2) as her partner was off to watch football.

Sil has only had 1 nights at her own home as then got hysterical n made her parents come pick her up.

I'm not sayin lookin after a new born isn't overwhelming but I too bf dd (n still looked after dd after emcs ) but as my Dp said she has got to get into her own routine at home with her Dp n her ds needs to get use to his own home. Sil hasn't had a day on her own, so has got to learnt to do simple tasks with a baby. She lives an hour away from her folks (when she eventually goes home) but her dp works ft n will be out of the house 8 til 6 so she's really got to use to being on her own n her own routine.

Does she need a case of man up or am I being harsh. As when we said to parents about why she can't be left alone they just dismiss it.

OP posts:
HowlingTrap · 05/01/2014 10:03

I don't see how she ruined your nye, nothing stopping you from your original plans.

Gileswithachainsaw · 05/01/2014 10:03

bella I actually now have a genuine question.

Are you concerned? I mean do you think that all this "accommodating and help" is in someway delaying her into stepping up and your worried that all it's doing is kind if masking the problem that she's genuinely struggling mentally ? If that's the case it's very early to tell yet but if that's the case they might not actually be "helping her"

Do you know her particularly well? Has anything happened in her life that's left her feeling so doubtful of her abilities? Did she have her confidence shattered by a nasty ex or something?

Or are you just a bit miffed that you didn't eat that kind if support? I think that would be a normal feeling and it doesn't make you a bad person but might be clouding your judgement a little I hope that doesn't read in a harsh way it's not meant like that. I think it's normal in a way to be envious of people who have amazing supportive partners or families when you don't.

I asked this on other thread.

Juno77 · 05/01/2014 10:04

You wouldn't adjust your plans either on NYE - so actually you were both being awkward with respect to new babies. And yours is a lot older. So YWBU there too.

Stop judging, she's obviously finding her tiny baby difficult, and is lucky to have great support. This support could mean the difference between severe PND and not.

You sound nasty and self important, tbh.

And it's not 'n', and it's and.

Welshwabbit · 05/01/2014 10:04

You do seem to have expected her to do with a newborn what you were not willing to do with your 9mo on NYE - I.e. take the baby out and then take him/her home again and try to re-settle. And if her baby doesn't have a set bedtime yet it's probably even worse - my son would scream all evening at that age if he wasn't constantly being fed, which wouldn't have made for a fun evening dor any of you. It sounds as though she's having problems. Every baby and every mother is different and I don't think telling her to man up would help at all. How would you have felt if someone had said that to you when you were suffering pre-natal stress? If your PIL are happy to help I'd just let them get on with it.

BeaWheesht · 05/01/2014 10:06

You know you sound extremely like you've had your nose put out of joint by the arrival of a new baby. If the baby was a few months old then I'd be worried about her not bitching about her but as it is she has just given birth. My sister didn't go off on one when my parents missed Xmas day to come and see my new ds on hospital and she isn't even the most charitable person in the world!

I suggest you man up and focus on your own family, if your dh was so upset you could all have gone to his parents or he could have gone on his own.

brettgirl2 · 05/01/2014 10:09

It is ridiculous she can't be left on her own. Or did they feel bad because it was nye?

BeaWheesht · 05/01/2014 10:09

Oh and you know how you felt when pregnant? Lots of people don't feel like that, they just carry on with life as normal. Does that mean that you should've manned up do you reckon?

Loopytiles · 05/01/2014 10:09

Yabu and judgmental. As joysmum and others say, "man up", "you need to learn to manage by yourself" attitude isn't at all helpful for people who are struggling.

Their baby does not "need to get used to their own home", will be just fine staying with family.

As for "feel sorry for Dp as his Xmas and nye wasnt was nice due to sil", are you really serious?!

Shakirasma · 05/01/2014 10:10

How unkind you are OP

This baby is less than a month old, and tbh I think it's perfectly normal for a woman to turn to her own mum in the early days when she is finding her feet.

Are you jealous of her?

Original poster
bella411 · 05/01/2014 10:10

I would never tell her to man up! But I think as shes going to have long days on her own she needs to get use to bein at her own home n yes have her parents come to her.

I have had great support from my family n they do lI've close but appreciate in the early days have had to get use to doin stuff on my own. Her parents should be supporting her not enabling her.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 05/01/2014 10:13

As you are too lazy to write the word "and" , I find your posts too confusing to read as I find I am counting how many "n's" there are in place of "and".

Loopytiles · 05/01/2014 10:13

you had mental health diffulties when pregnant, and emphasise that you "had to get on with it" when the baby arrived - it's good that you're now doing better, but not good to judge others with new DC if they can't do likewise.

Juno77 · 05/01/2014 10:13

What you think is irrelevant though really, don't you know that?

As in, it's none of your business how she raises her child or what support she has. The baby is obviously loved and cared for. Why do you think this is detrimental?

Oh, and the baby doesn't need to get used to its own house. It has no idea where it is.

HarderToKidnap · 05/01/2014 10:13

I coped much better than you during my pregnancy. No time off at all and was working 12 hour shifts, nights and days until 36 weeks. Would you like me to judge you for it?

BeaWheesht · 05/01/2014 10:14

When you were pregnant why didn't you just sort yourself put and go to work ? Other people have other kids to look after and no choice.........

Don't you see how bloody horrible I sound above but how it's exactly what you're saying about her?

Flibbertyjibbet · 05/01/2014 10:14

I had a baby a week before Xmas and no way would I have taken him out to anyone's house on NYE.

Ticktock80 · 05/01/2014 10:14

Yabu.....no person needs to "man up". I loathe that phrase. As if only men are useful at being proactive (which she is btw...she needs help and has sought it out in her parents). She has daily support and is using it. Good on her and what a lovely start for her baby.

nennypops · 05/01/2014 10:15

OP, it would really help if you'd make the effort to type out your messages properly. It makes it difficult to read and understand them, and that in turn probably feeds into the way people respond to you.

justmuddlingalongsomehow · 05/01/2014 10:15

AND the word is AND. Type two extra letters and your posts will make sense. You just sound like an illiterate teen.

Not nice bring judged is it. Back off from the poor girl. Not everybody sails through the first months and having a newborn at Xmas and NY can be hideous with all the extended family members piling in.

Loopytiles · 05/01/2014 10:15

Your attitude is "man up" though. And you keep going on about what she and her parents should do, when it's really not your business or expertise!

"enabling" her? For goodness sake, she's a new mum not an alcoholic!

EarthMither · 05/01/2014 10:16

YABVU and your posts make you sound like a jealous 5 year old.

And as pointed out by PPs, the word you're looking for is 'AND'. 'N' on its own doesn't mean anything. HTH.

Loopytiles · 05/01/2014 10:16

Were your work "enabling" you by allowing you time off sick?!

Gileswithachainsaw · 05/01/2014 10:17

Three weeks is still very early. Let her rest up , have the help etc.

If she is still struggling in a couple of weeks and won't go home or whatever then hopefully the parents can talk to her. Make sure she tells the dr at her six week check the truth etc and get the help she needs.

I see your point in a way, I mean midwives/HV /checks are in place very frequently with a new born, and it may be easier and less daunting to not have made a specific appointment to talk about that one thing. If that makes sense.

I hope she is ok. This is normal in many families tbh. This is the one time grown women need their mums.

BeaWheesht · 05/01/2014 10:17

Come on people the whole 'n' / and thing - we don't need to be banging on about that do we? I can read and understand the posts fine.

mercibucket · 05/01/2014 10:18

took me 2 months to physically recover, not that I would have told my sil about my problems
yab ridiculous and childish

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