To credit MN for the way I handled this rude woman at the shops?

[Primafacie]

... When I felt a bit hurt, humiliated and angry at her comments?

I had an encounter this morning which up till now I thought only ever happened on Mumsnet :)

I was food shopping (M&S, not that i think it's relevant but so I am not accused of dripfeeding) with my DCs (aged 2 and almost 5). I always park their scooters by the store entrance (on the inside), which itself leads to the inside of a shopping mall, and is guarded by a staff member. We (and the store) are in a very safe, family friendly area.

As I was heading for the tills, DD nearly 5 asked if she could wait for me by the scooters. I said yes, as she is very sensible, I was only going to be a few minutes, and in my own risk assessment, this is not a risky situation.

Two minutes later, I emerge from the queue with my shopping and DS in tow. A woman (I am guessing around 75, again not really relevant but don't want to DF) is talking to the security guard by the door, pointing to DD who is waiting by the scooters. She sees me and says 'is this your child?' Conversation then goes like this:

Me: 'Yes she is'.
Her: 'I really don't think it is advisable to leave your child here, anyone could have kidnapped her'.
Me: Rrright. Well, I disagree,and I think she is perfectly safe here.
Her: but you are wrong. Anyone could have taken her. This is really dangerous.
Me: Well, that's your view. I happen to think we live in a good society and I don't see abductors and paedos everywhere.
Her: but you are wrong, you see. She could have come to harm.
Me: so you have said, several times. Look, I disagree with you, and I am not interested in your views. I didn't ask for your opinion. When I was her age my mum used to send me to the shops on my own. Now please leave me and my kids alone.
Her: Happy new year.
Me: and happy new year to you. Now please can you stop following me?

All this without raising my voice, or stopping smiling :o

All the while she was trying to get the poor security guy roped in to tell me off - to his credit, he never opened his mouth.

Still feeling a bit offended, but meh - hardly the end of the world.

So, thanks MN. Can I get my shiny badge now?

I don't think it's a normal reaction.

Would you really follow a stranger around berating them?

I don't think either of you were wrong, particularly. The woman was perhaps concerned she had been left alone, and might even go outside, being so close to the entrance (the car park is immediately outside our M & S).

I wouldn't have elaborated quite so much, but said something about her being in view and perfectly fine, thank you.

I think you handled it well but wouldn't have done what you did. But hey you didn't ask for comments on that I guess.

Once your own children and maybe grandchildren have passed this age it is quite easy to mistake a nearly 5 year old with being closer to 3 or 4 they all blend to being small. For the lady she was a young child left alone.

I agree prima- my 3 year old ds is ridiculously sensible - he told my dh to put both hands on the steering wheel yesterday! I don't think you were wrong to send her to the scooters but I do think the lady was genuinely concerned. I'd rather more people watched out for my kids, however unnecessarily, than turned a blind eye.

A social construct?

For goodness sakes she is four, she is a baby. Yes of course a four year old is physically capable of walking up to a shop keeper handing over her money and walking back, but she is four, she should do this whilst playing not whilst actually shopping in the real world with lots of people and lots of dangers.

If you couldn't see her YABU. End of. You felt humiliated because the kind woman who tried to protect your child was right.

OP - did your DD just stand quietly by her scooter whilst waiting?

Or could you not see her?

I'm not meaning she was misbehaving or anything but possibly something caught the woman's attention?

How is it 'end of'? That is your opinion not the OP's and not mine.

The woman could have watched if she was concerned. There was no need for her to say anything and definitely no need for her to follow the OP out of the shop.

I can't see anything rude in what the lady said to you.

My own DS is 5 and I wouldn't trust him to stay put if I asked him to wait like you did. DD, on the other hand, would totally have stayed there if asked. All children are different and mature differently, so I think you know your DD best in this situation. Can still where people are coming from with regards to wandering off though - that would be my DS.

I don't think the lady meant any harm though, I think she was concerned. Nothing in your exchange comes across as rude, but I don't like the way you're being smug about putting an old woman in her place.

It doesn't sound very nice, frankly.

The 'social construct' argument does not work in this context as justification. Childhood itself is a relatively recent social construct and to apply your rule is to happily put four year olds up chimneys and down mines.

This happens to me a lot. I was stopped the other day and told that ds was too far ahead of me by a couple in their 70s. The irony is that they probably allowed their own children far greater freedom than our children enjoy today.

If I saw a five year old alone like that, I would probably ask if they were OK and if their mum or dad was near.

My DC is 5 and personally I would not let them out of my sight in a busy shopping centre. Yes your DD may be sensible but she is still a child and could quite easily get distracted or run out if something caught her eye. Could even be something as simple as needing the toilet, running back to find you and getting lost.

I know the risk of abduction is low but it is still a real risk so why take that risk? There is also of course a chance that she might wander off and out of the shopping centre and be at danger with traffic etc or even if she just got lost in the shops it would be distressing for both child and parent.

Also she wasn't "with" the security guard was she - she was just next to him he didn't know he was responsible for her.

I think the lady did exactly the right thing. If I had seen a young child alone and couldn't see the parent in sight I would feel it was my duty to point it out to the security guard to see if the parent could be found.
Poor lady - she was only trying to help!

I don't think you handled it well at all, actually. From how you've written down what you said you said incredibly irritating.

Hurt she questioned your judgement? What, because parents have never made ill judged decisions?

When she initially expressed concern you should have just thanked her for keeping an eye on your daughter and moved on. Instead you argued with her, quite needlessly which is why she didn't drop it.

The woman could have watched had she been concerned, of course.
But the mere act of watching (rather than verbally communicating with the OP) still implies that something isn't right about the situation.

Who would watch a strange child if nothing was perceived to be wrong and there was no risk of danger?

The woman was concerned for your child and was very polite as far as I can see.
I think you make an error in judgment. Easily done, but you should have been thanking this woman for watching out for your daughter, not challenging her and then coming on here all smug and expecting badges.
Sorry, but your DD is only four and could easily have wondered off or got upset all by herself.

Arctic I'm not trying to be antagonistic, but if this happens to you a lot do you think that maybe people have a point and that your childre are indeed too far away from you?

I feel quite strongly about this. When ds was about 5 I always thought of him as being very sensible, aware of traffic, good road sense and so on. We lived in a city centre and went everywhere by foot - out and about much of the day, most days. I would let him run on ahead knowing that he'd stop at side roads, drives and so on. Unti the day day he didn't.

Thankfully he was fine - the driver of the car that was pulling out from the side road spotted him in time and slammed on the brakes. But bloody hell it was a wake up call.

I'm not suggesting that we should all wrap our children up in cotton wool but honestly, until they are quite a bit older they are impulsive beasties and really cannot be trusted not to put themselves in danger.

I think the lady should have dropped it once she saw that the child was safe.

It's clear by her second sentence that this was less about the child and more about her need to be right.

There is, without a doubt a type of person who takes pleasure in lecturing others about their children and it's bloody annoying.

No I don't think my children are too far away from me.

My eldest son is 9 and walks to school on his own as do all his friends. Just before Christmas we were in Tesco and he asked if he could go around the store on his own and meet me at the in-store cafe in 20 minutes because he wanted to buy my present. 5 minutes later he comes back red- faced because he had been told off my an old woman for being on his own. It's not just me it happens to anyway it's all my friends.

I think yabu.

1. too young. Just for the normal scenarios not peado/abduction.
2. not security guards job
3. you were berating an elderly lady
4. said elderly lady was actually right

But most of all, and this bit REALLY grated,

5. you think you are right and wish to credit MN for it?!?!

I really don't think (and looking here I'm not alone) any of us would be advocating this situation. I don't like being thanked for it. I think you have lost plot.

I don't see abductors and paedos everywhere.

And what do they look like? I don't think the woman was being rude at all. What if the security guard had to dash off?

OP I think you are right and I agree the woman was rude and overbearing. Well done for being sensible and responding calmly. And she has already said she wasn't expecting the security guard to look after her

Ah, that’s ridiculous Arctic. My ds was walking to school and playing out at that age. I also used to send him on ahead at the supermarket to look at the games and comics whilst I had a fag outside chose the vegetables. He went to the corner shop alone too but the lazy bugger took a great deal of persuading after the initial novelty wore off

YABU. How can you say 'we live in a good society' when X amount of children have been kidnapped recently??? Surely its obvious that what we did as kids is not as safe now?

Thank god you child was ok but I would never leave a child that age alone, sensible or not.

Oh and I don't think the lady was being rude, I'm sure if your child had wandered off somewhere you would been grateful for her help to find them.