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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To credit MN for the way I handled this rude woman at the shops?

612 replies

Primafacie · 02/01/2014 14:49

... When I felt a bit hurt, humiliated and angry at her comments?

I had an encounter this morning which up till now I thought only ever happened on Mumsnet :)

I was food shopping (M&S, not that i think it's relevant but so I am not accused of dripfeeding) with my DCs (aged 2 and almost 5). I always park their scooters by the store entrance (on the inside), which itself leads to the inside of a shopping mall, and is guarded by a staff member. We (and the store) are in a very safe, family friendly area.

As I was heading for the tills, DD nearly 5 asked if she could wait for me by the scooters. I said yes, as she is very sensible, I was only going to be a few minutes, and in my own risk assessment, this is not a risky situation.

Two minutes later, I emerge from the queue with my shopping and DS in tow. A woman (I am guessing around 75, again not really relevant but don't want to DF) is talking to the security guard by the door, pointing to DD who is waiting by the scooters. She sees me and says 'is this your child?' Conversation then goes like this:

Me: 'Yes she is'.
Her: 'I really don't think it is advisable to leave your child here, anyone could have kidnapped her'.
Me: Rrright. Well, I disagree,and I think she is perfectly safe here.
Her: but you are wrong. Anyone could have taken her. This is really dangerous.
Me: Well, that's your view. I happen to think we live in a good society and I don't see abductors and paedos everywhere.
Her: but you are wrong, you see. She could have come to harm.
Me: so you have said, several times. Look, I disagree with you, and I am not interested in your views. I didn't ask for your opinion. When I was her age my mum used to send me to the shops on my own. Now please leave me and my kids alone.
Her: Happy new year.
Me: and happy new year to you. Now please can you stop following me?

All this without raising my voice, or stopping smiling :o

All the while she was trying to get the poor security guy roped in to tell me off - to his credit, he never opened his mouth.

Still feeling a bit offended, but meh - hardly the end of the world.

So, thanks MN. Can I get my shiny badge now?

OP posts:
littleredsquirrel · 02/01/2014 15:26

I would also always wait and watch and if I was feeling brave would have said something too.

MardyBra · 02/01/2014 15:26

I agree with "pompous", although it probably does depend on the tone.

IamInvisible · 02/01/2014 15:26

No-one knows how long the security guard will be there for, he might get called away.

I went to Tesco a few weeks ago and almost got run over by kids on BMXes on the way into the store, as did a lot of OAPs, so I spoke to the security guard. He went off outside to talk to them. Had anyone have sent their child to wait by him, they would have be left alone.

YouTheCat · 02/01/2014 15:26

That would be if I even noticed.

Never been in that situation so am just guessing. I have reunited an hysterical 2 year old with its parents before though.

HyvaPaiva · 02/01/2014 15:27

I don't agree with many people saying 'she was with the security guard!'

It's not the security guard's job to supervise or keep an eye on any children left alone. I'm not judging OP for leaving the child alone. I wouldn't, but I recognize that it's your call. I simply think the guard's presence should be irrelevant.

I don't think the other woman was rude.

WigWearer · 02/01/2014 15:27

curt, abrupt and pompous

Exactly right.

OP should be grateful that the woman bothered to enquire. We need more busybodies in the public realm, not a nation of people looking the other way when they see something they think is dodgy in case they get their ears bitten off for daring to interfere.

The more I read OP's transcript, the sorrier I feel for the woman. That could have been my mum, trying to do the right thing and getting ticked off Sad.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2014 15:28

There's far more chance of a 5yr old wandering off than being abducted.

DamnBamboo · 02/01/2014 15:29

Yup, I guess you hedge your bets don't you.

Personally, I wouldn't take that chance with a child that young.

depankrispaneven · 02/01/2014 15:30

She left her for a minute - not half an hour

She says two minutes, which I suspect was an underestimate unless she walked straight to a till with no-one waiting and was only buying one or two things with the correct change.

But the point is that when you're walking to the till you don't know how long you'll be. I went to one the other day where the only person there was already unpacking their basket with only around 10 items in, so I thought it would be quite quick. However, she was one of those OCD types who had to line up everything on the conveyor belt in what she deemed to be the correct order, and to think carefully about each item she was putting down. The process then repeated itself when she was packing the shopping. And it wasn't until everything was packed to her satisfaction that she even got her purse out, which was yet another major performance.

Had OP got stuck behind someone like that, her dd could well have been waiting for 15 minutes or more.

Salmotrutta · 02/01/2014 15:30

I'm glad to hear that someone questioned a small child being on their own actually.

Maybe the other woman didn't need to keep labouring the point but she obviously felt strongly about it.

You weren't unreasonable to disagree with her but I don't really think she was unreasonable to have her viewpoint either! nice bit of fence-sitting

We all have different opinions about this sort of scenario but I know at that age my DC might have promised to stay in one place but then been tempted to by natural curiosity to wander off.

Or, more likely, be tempted to race their scooters up and down the shopping mall... Hmm

UriGeller · 02/01/2014 15:30

Well done, but your mum never sent you to the shop by yourself aged 4 did she?!!

Halfling · 02/01/2014 15:30

You were still rude. I am sure the lady mean well and you are within your right to disagree with her. However, tbh you sounded smug and unpleasant despite your smile etc.

I don't think deserve any medal. I hope this is not the standard interpretation of the MN way.

SeaDevilscanPlay · 02/01/2014 15:32

My DD would never have stayed still - well done OP for training yours so well Wink

givemeaclue · 02/01/2014 15:33

Yanbu and were rude to someone who had your child's best interests at heart.

CailinDana · 02/01/2014 15:33

I would have said "I really appreciate your concern for my child. She's a sensible girl so I feel she was safe but you are kind to keep an eye out. Please don't worry. Have a good new year," and leave it at that.

She was concerned. That is a good thing even if it's unwarranted.

katese11 · 02/01/2014 15:33

I think the woman WBU for talking about kidnappers. .. The risk there is very small. However, the risk of a 5yo wandering off because they saw someone with a funny hat or something. .. That's pretty high. So I wouldn't leave my 4.5yo alone but yours may be more sensible

givemeaclue · 02/01/2014 15:34

Yabu that should have been. And rude. And yes your child was at risk

RandyRudolf · 02/01/2014 15:36

Abduction or wandering off. Adding to the probability of any of those happening isn't a good idea.

Original poster
Primafacie · 02/01/2014 15:40

In answer to some of the questions:

I bought baguette, macarons and mushroom sauce. They were out of Puy lentils :)

DD was never outside the shop.

I did not expect or ask the security guy to keep an eye on her. I expected her to stay where she said she would, and she did.

I felt hurt because this woman was clearly questioning my judgment, was doing so loudly, and was trying to shame me by doing it to an audience (ie the security guard). Her concern would not have been rude if she had said it once, but she repeated her stance several times after I made it clear I disagreed and wanted to be left alone. That, IMO, was rude. Also rude to follow me outside the shop- I don't like to feel chased out by a judgey person, I don't think that is unusual.

OP posts:
Onepostposy · 02/01/2014 15:40

Absolutely cailin

Feminine · 02/01/2014 15:41

I wouldn't have done it.

I believe that if you were really so confident in your choice, you wouldn't have felt any hurt.

In a few years you'll be able to do it. You need to wait.

Feminine · 02/01/2014 15:44

But op the lady wasn't actually wrong.

it would have been apparent your dd was still very little.

The lady had a normal reaction.

You didn't do anything wrong either, but I'm sure a number of shoppers would have wondered....

JohnnyBarthes · 02/01/2014 15:45

The woman should have kept an eye from a distance if she was concerned. You made an reasonable risk assessment but she wasn’t to know that.

Chances are I would have made the same assessment, but one thing stands out, which is your line “she is very sensible”. There isn’t a 5 yo on the planet who is consistently sensible. Any small child with the cognitive and physical means to do something bonkers will at some point - it's just that some are less prone to moments of sheer recklessness than others.

Original poster
Primafacie · 02/01/2014 15:48

And yes, my mum did send me to the shops regularly at that age for milk or bread. I loved doing it - I would not do it myself because I don't think DD is ready, but I think some children definitely are at that age. It is a social construct that makes most people think 4 year olds can't, or that it is too dangerous.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 02/01/2014 15:50

YABU...my son is 5, I wouldn't leave him alone whilst out like that. He would tell me he would stay there but I know he could wander off to find me and get lost or see a pigeon and run to chase it and various other scenarios.

Sorry, I think 5 is too young.