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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that good parents do not go on holiday for six weeks at a time?

189 replies

sparklysilversequins · 01/01/2014 22:31

Ex is going away on his jollies for 6 weeks in Feb - some "business" too apparently Hmm. To Thailand.

Fine, whatever, but AIBU to think you actually your kids don't "always come first" if you do this?

Personally I would find it hard to be away from my dc for more than a night or two but each to their own I suppose.

OP posts:
Blu · 02/01/2014 00:52

I would be furious and extremely resentful if DP fucked off on a non essential jolly for six weeks without consultation leaving me to pick up all the parenting.

marriedtoagoodun · 02/01/2014 01:01

Just a small point about military families knowing what they got into. The operational tempo has been very fast and furious for the at least the last ten - fifteen years. NI, Bosnia, Kosovo, Iraq and Afghanistan to name a few. Harmony guidelines (which is supposed to be the minimum time someone spends back at home before operationally deploying again) have been broken again and again. So when my DH did two back to back tours in my daughters first year of birth - no I did not know what I was getting into, it was not what my DH had signed up for, and it should have been 'against the rules'. However, it did not make him a bad father. Sometimes military families do have absences that could never have been foreseen - however, that does not make them more or less worthy. I just do not like the attitude that you 'know what you are getting into'.

Original poster
sparklysilversequins · 02/01/2014 01:02

I honestly did only mean my ex when I posted this. I was fuming after just having discussed it with him, this alongside his assertion that he is a good dad. If you read my OP I don't mention anyone else, only him. A few posters jumped on me and read a lot into it that I hadn't actually said and started accusing me of lying about the details, chopping and changing and it being a holiday etc. Just the usual AIBU shizzle Smile.

OP posts:
Philoslothy · 02/01/2014 01:11

Arguably your OP and certainly your thread title are about parents in general and not just your ex.

Original poster
sparklysilversequins · 02/01/2014 01:14

Yes, arguably.

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 02/01/2014 01:17

YANBU

I doubt you'd be able to do the same thing if you wanted to. Nice for him he doesn't feel he has the responsibility of children to consider. I can understand the frustration with that.

stopgap · 02/01/2014 01:39

I have only left my DS for two nights in 2.5 years, but that's because I live overseas from parents (willing babysitters!) and close to MIL, but she is very reluctant to do overnight sitting. I would love nothing more than a week away with my husband. Six weeks? No, definitely not.

inabeautifulplace · 02/01/2014 01:44

He is unreasonable.

Your title is also unreasonable, since there are many good parents who do go away on holiday for 6 weeks.

bochead · 02/01/2014 01:52

He's not following in gary glitter's footsteps is he?

Unless your ex is Thai by birth, I'd be very concerned.

WaffilyVersatile · 02/01/2014 01:56

I once sent my ds off on a 5 week holiday without me or OH when he was 6.

It was a trip to Australia with my grandparents to visit my aunt and uncle. we were incredibly close and I trust them completely to care for him. I missed him like mad but I could never have given him that experience - I don't think that makes me less of a parent?

Geckos48 · 02/01/2014 08:28

There are lots of other reasons to go to Thailand guys...

BohemianGirl · 02/01/2014 08:33

If the child/ren are appropriately looked after and provided for, I'm failing to see why someone cant have a six week holiday.

TheBrotherHoodOfSteel · 02/01/2014 08:46

My ex who was forces used to volunteer for out of areas Blush that was his choice!
My husband now is forces too and never volunteers, not even for courses because he hates being away from us. (Aww blessWink)
Just because you go away for a few months doesn't make you a bad parent. Whether or not it's for business or pleasure.
Obviously if you intend never to come back that's awful but a break is sometimes needed or it's unavoidable work.

Juno77 · 02/01/2014 09:17

OP.

If you'd like to be less inflammatory, judgemental and ride in future, I suggest rewording your posts thus:

Ex is going away on his jollies for 6 weeks in Feb - some "business" too apparently . To Thailand.

Fine, whatever, but AIBU to think actually his kids don't "always come first" if he does this?

Personally I would find it hard to be away from my dc for more than a night or two but each to their own I suppose.

You'll probably not offend so many good parents that way.

HTH.

Blu · 02/01/2014 09:25

BohemianGirl: because the OP relies on the man's sessions of caring for his children in the evenings or after school both for childcare a d respite. And because he told her he was off, dropping his parenting input, it was not a discussion, and because the trip is a choice. not a work obligation.

I am not sure why so many posters have taken the OP. personally and missed the point about shy she is upset.

Probably because it is in AIBU.

Original poster
sparklysilversequins · 02/01/2014 09:26

Juno as already expressed, I posted heatedly immediately after a discussion with him. Self centred or not I wasn't thinking of anyone else but my own situation. Quite frankly I couldn't care less what anyone else chooses to do but for me in this situation I think my exes choices mean he's not a good parent. As I said earlier on at no point have I mentioned anyone else or their choices, only my own situation.

Perhaps I should get MN to change the title.

OP posts:
Original poster
sparklysilversequins · 02/01/2014 09:27

Thanks Blu Smile

OP posts:
LouiseAderyn · 02/01/2014 09:42

I don't see how someone can be a good parent if they choosing to go away for fun (for an extended period of time) and are not actually present to parent their dc at all.

They are basically dumping the whole responsibility for parenting on their partner or ex.

It is different if a person is working away in order to provide financially, but going on a jolly is choosing to put having a good time above responsibility. Kids need caring for 24/7 and you can't cherry pick and still be considered a decent parent.

I couldn't have fun if I was away from my dc for too long and if I had to work away I would be longing to get back to them.

I think that if you want to leave your kids for 3 months of the year then you are a shit parent.

SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 02/01/2014 09:43

I must have been an unreasonable child as I went to stay with grandparents in Ireland for the whole 6 weeks with no parents there.

It was us children who had a holiday not parents so I guess us children were been unreasonable Grin

LouiseAderyn · 02/01/2014 09:48

Also people on this thread who have sent their dc to visit family for 6 weeks are choosing to give their kids what they consider to be a valuable life experience - they are doing it for their children, not because they cba to look after them or spend time with them.

Original poster
sparklysilversequins · 02/01/2014 09:50

IS that the same as going to Thailand to do god knows what leaving your two children who have ASD and not even asking your ex who does ALL childcare if she is ok with that then? Confused

I think I am going to leave this thread now. I've explained repeatedly my situation, been accused of lying and embellishing to suit my own agenda when I have proved I am not the accusers have just disappeared.

I worded the title wrong in the heat of the moment. Sue me.

Thanks to all the lovely posters who did none of the above.

Have a lovely day one and all Smile.

OP posts:
EmmaBemma · 02/01/2014 09:56

My husband has spent between five and seven weeks at a time touring with an educational theatre group abroad, once a year for the last three years. Opportunity of a lifetime for him and it's been a hugely valuable experience.

We did discuss it at length, especially as our youngest child was only a few months old the first time, but to be honest there was never any doubt in my mind; I wouldn't want to stand in the way of a chance like that and I know he'd feel the same way if I wanted to do something similar. As it goes, I couldn't leave the children for that long but that doesn't make me the better, or more loving, parent.

Original poster
sparklysilversequins · 02/01/2014 09:59

Again IS that the same as going to Thailand to do god knows what? Now I really AM leaving the thread Grin.

OP posts:
EvilTwins · 02/01/2014 10:28

LOL at "when I am proved right..." I "disappeared" to bed.

OP, YANBU to be pissed off with your ex, but YABVVVU in your original assertion that "good parents" need to be with their kids all the time and with your smug insistence that you couldn't bear to leave yours for more than a day or two.

But none of this is about good parents vs bad, it's about an individual, and he sounds like a cock. You and your DC have my sympathies and I hope that you have support in RL.

roughtyping · 02/01/2014 10:41

OP YANBU. At all. I don't really understand why people are applying completely different situations to this one. He sounds like an arse.