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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that good parents do not go on holiday for six weeks at a time?

189 replies

sparklysilversequins · 01/01/2014 22:31

Ex is going away on his jollies for 6 weeks in Feb - some "business" too apparently Hmm. To Thailand.

Fine, whatever, but AIBU to think you actually your kids don't "always come first" if you do this?

Personally I would find it hard to be away from my dc for more than a night or two but each to their own I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
sparklysilversequins · 01/01/2014 22:53

He went for 6 weeks in May of last year too. This adds up to 3 months in a 12 month period.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 01/01/2014 22:53

What do you mean 'change your mind'? You asked if you Abu.... Some have said yabu!

Sounds like you just want us all to be slagging your ex off. Oh, and your op says 6 weeks.... You've now said 3 months?

DamnBamboo · 01/01/2014 22:53

Wow OP, you're lovely aren't you.

Love it when an OP gets arsey and defensive 'cos nobody agrees with her! Grin.

I think you'll find the two points of my post weren't related... and that I'm not actually comparing seeing parents/work etc.. with sitting on a beach. But don't let that stop YBU will you.

Original poster
sparklysilversequins · 01/01/2014 22:54

Exactly Vampyre seems we stand alone though.

OP posts:
Onesleeptillwembley · 01/01/2014 22:54

Is it holiday? You say business. Not the same thing at all.

flipchart · 01/01/2014 22:56

Plenty of DS2s friends parents go to Pakistan for 6 to 8 weeks every other year and the children are left with the extended family. Same difference?

Children are still loved, cared for, go to school etc.

FreyaFridays · 01/01/2014 22:56

I suppose going on a jolly is one thing, but speaking from the position of someone who grew up in a naval family, you can survive a childhood with a parent away at work for significantly long periods of time. My dad was all over the world whilst I was little, usually for 6-10mths at a time, missing Christmases sometimes. My mum actually had me (first baby), then dad went to sea a fortnight later and didn't return until I was six months old. It can be done, and coped with, both by the child and by the parent who stays behind.

However, I reckon this is more to do with the relationship between you and your ex, and whether this really is just a holiday, rather than a parent being away from their child for six weeks (which, IMO, isn't really VERY long in the grand scheme of things).

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 01/01/2014 22:57

i would also find it hard to be away from mine and put whatever label you like on that but having been separated from my child in the past against my will, i would rather never have a babysitter again than experience that again!

Juno77 · 01/01/2014 22:57

No one is being overly defensive.

Being accused of not being a good parent because you leave your child for longer than another person would be happy to is incredibly offensive and rude.

Some people are precious about never leaving their children's side. Others like to have their own, and promote in their children, independence.

I don't believe I am the 'best' caregiver for my children. Their father and other relatives are just as loving and capable, so if I am away for extended periods of time, fine. It also really helps mould them into less needy, more mature children than many of the other children I know whose parents are clingy.

So yes op, YABU. And nasty.

Each to their own? Stop being so bloody judgemental.

OpalMoonstone · 01/01/2014 22:57

Yanbu. So will that be his entire holiday entitlement gone for the year and he won't spend any of it with you and the kids? Or do his work count it as work? I'd be pissed off too unless it was a requirement of his job.

flipchart · 01/01/2014 22:57

Well if you're not up for changing your mind there's no discussion then!

Joules68 · 01/01/2014 22:59

I think op is twisting his business trip into a 'jolly' to suit her argument!

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 01/01/2014 22:59

i don't think it automatically makes you a 'bad parent', in some cases maybe not a very involved one but only the op knows her ex and his motives.

FredFredGeorge · 01/01/2014 23:00

Of course good parents go away for 6 months at a time, for all sorts of reasons. Good parenting is about raising successful adults, it's not about being with them all the time.

Personally I think refusing to leave your children for more than a night or two despite what other opportunities you have is more likely to raise unsuccessful adults than the reverse since that doesn't give good examples of independence, doing things for enjoyment, doing things for work etc. and doesn't introduce them to being without their parental support for short periods.

so yes, YABU.

FreyaFridays · 01/01/2014 23:00

Ah, if it's actually business then, then, yes, you are being a bit unreasonable. But mostly you are being offensive to parents who do work long distance/need to leave their children for extended periods for any number of valid reasons.

OpalMoonstone · 01/01/2014 23:02

Oops sorry hadn't noticed it was your ex, so obviously you'd not want to have holidays with him, but question still stands about whether he will have holiday entitlement left to spend with the kids.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 01/01/2014 23:02

so do people generally think it's normal for a person to go on holiday for 6 weeks, leaving their young children? Not a business trip, an actual holiday?

WilsonFrickett · 01/01/2014 23:03

Someone who doesn't have a housing situation suitable for their DCs to stay overnight with them, but who choose to spend a quarter of the year on holiday, are U. Surely his priority should be in saving up to create a home where his dc can stay overnight?

But I guess if you aren't really 'in' your DCs lives it doesn't really matter if you take off for six weeks at a time.

And I'm not saying any parent who leaves their child is bad or wrong, or that I wouldn't do this, because I have left my child on numerous occasions. But it doesn't sound like this father puts his children first, going on the op.

bonkersLFDT20 · 01/01/2014 23:04

My DH went travelling on his own for 3 months last winter, leaving me and our two sons at home. It had been discussed for months and we were all fine with it.

It fulfilled a deep need within him and I gave him my blessing to go.
Of course he missed us all terribly (and nearly came home early), but that aside, he loved the trip. I don't for one minute think that makes him a bad father.

He came back and within weeks it was as if he never went away. His love of travel didn't leave him when he became a father.

WilsonFrickett · 01/01/2014 23:06

I think the acid test in this situation is what would your X say if you were to say to him 'I'm off on holiday for 6 weeks, have fun with the DCs and don't forget to cut their toe nails and nit comb'.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 01/01/2014 23:06

i think the problem is that op has touched a few nerves with people who have interpreted her post as implying that any parent who ever leaves their child for any reason is a bad parent when in fact it genuinely sounds as though her ex's top priorities don't necessarily include his children.

Elderflowergranita · 01/01/2014 23:07

I agree, if your ex hasn't manged to find accommodation which is suitable to have his children stay over then that doesn't exactly make him father of the year.

that would the issue for me - the six week absence is just a further example of pretty poor parenting. it's not the core issue.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 01/01/2014 23:07

bonkers it's good that you were all happy with that but a lot of people wouldn't be whether they would admit it on here or not.

EvilTwins · 01/01/2014 23:08

OP has been pretty evasive about whether this trip is actually work. She also doesn't say how old the DC are, so comments about someone leaving "young children" for a "holiday" are a bit ridiculous.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 01/01/2014 23:08

It's a long holiday yes, or business, whatever, but as he is your ex and doesn't live with you, I don't think it will impact much on the children, which is the important thing. It may annoy you as a parent, and it would annoy me, but the CHILDREN will definitely be ok without their dad for 6 weeks.