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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Idiot daughter has dumped lovely boyfriend

333 replies

Droves · 01/01/2014 17:18

Today of all days FFs.

I'm so annoyed at her . He's lovely , nice family , supportive to her , not a rude bloke , not a waste of space just a nice respectful young man .

She's an idiot . She just wasn't getting enough excitement " he's too boring " ( read he's ran out of money and can't afford to take her out clubbing , as he bought her 6 Xmas gifts ) .

Yesterday , even though he's skint ( student ) he took her to pub for a few hours . She came home drunk , but had no money herself .

She was being vile , playing games , wanting attention . He's just left , I asked him if he's ok , he replied he will be fine , looked really upset .

Thing is daughter is in floods of tears now . Because she didn't expect him just to accept its finished so easy WTAF ? . ( He did say to begin with he didn't want to split up ) .

How did she think it ok to be so horrible ? .
I'm ashamed of her .

I'm worried she will end up with some "exciting" dickhead ( like her father ) .

Poor boyfriend , I am so hurt for him ...he's exactly who you'd wish for a son in law . Some girl will be lucky to have him , my dd is an idiot to do this .

It's heartbreaking ... All the dreams I had for them , gone . All the future grandchildren I'd been looking forward too in the distant future ...gone . Bless him , he was saving to buy her an engagement ring for when she had finished uni .

Where did I go wrong with her ? .

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 01/01/2014 18:16

She might not have been brought up like that, but this will teach her a better lesson about messing people around than any lecture.

scottishmummy · 01/01/2014 18:17

You've said too much to her already,leave it be.

FryOneFatManic · 01/01/2014 18:17

But was it really game playing or simply inexperience and naivety going on here?

She could be upset for what she hoped she'd be getting from the relationship, and didn't.

Don't bother giving her advice, just give her some support.

Original poster

Droves · 01/01/2014 18:18

It's the attempt at manipulation I'm upset about .

However , this proves she's still too immature in her thinking .

I thought she was past this stage .

OP posts:

ALittleStranger · 01/01/2014 18:19

Children aren't mature in their thinking till about 25. That's one reason why it's not a good idea to marry them off to their teenage partner...

EdithWeston · 01/01/2014 18:19

OP: I believe you.

I think it is possible to see that your DC is acting like a shit to a friend/boyfriend/random stranger. And parenting doesn't end on 18th birthday.

And it's actually pretty normal to worry if you see your DD acting like an unpleasant Queen Bee.

And it's OK to vent on MN about it.

And you're not "over invested" as this has been playing out under your roof for pretty much the whole of the university holidays.

No, you can't live her life for her. No, you'll probably never know why she went off him.

But yes, you can tel her not to treat other people badly. Pretty important
life lesson really.

But as the Ex took the chance tourette swiftly to reject reunion, she may well find it is pointed out her her far more forcefully by their friends once term starts.

Chippednailvarnish · 01/01/2014 18:19

Get a hobby, before you drive your daughter away with all of your overbearing "All the dreams I had for them" crap.

BillyBanter · 01/01/2014 18:21

On the bright side this is a lucky escape for him. And on the other bright side it is good that she found someone who would not plead to get her back. It's the best chance she has of learning.

AmberLeaf · 01/01/2014 18:22

If this was about a MNers son behaving this way, at the very least the OP would have been advised to speak to him about the effects of his behavior on others.

She does the same to her DD, but thats 'too much'?

OP yes your DD is immature. Hopefully this will teach her something.

You are not wrong to feel sorry for this young man. Being dumped is never nice.

NearTheWindmill · 01/01/2014 18:23

OP this makes me so sad. Our DS has a girlfriend a bit like your daughter. She has to be the centre of everything with regular histrionics - I'm pretty sure she's part of the reason why he decided he needed to backtrack on uni plans and have a gap year (because she didn't want him to go). She has been an absolute pain in the demanding and manipulative arse this Christmas.

DS leaves for NZ on Friday for five months and goes from there to South America in the summer and his dad is flying out so they can both have the experience of a lifetime. DS is still talking about a trip to her home country with her when he comes back and before he goes to uni. We are desperately hoping that he will have grown out of her by then and have gone to great lengths to get him out of her manipulative little grip. Thank goodness we can afford to do so.

StillSeekingSpike · 01/01/2014 18:25

She is not immature- she is behaving like a 19 year old girl who's gone off to uni and has been with her teenage boyfriend for a number of years. yes, I am sure there are people who marry the first boy they date. But then an awful lot don't- and it's fine. It doesn't mean she needs counselling or lecturing.

cardibach · 01/01/2014 18:25

I'm not sure what the 'bratty behaviour' is tbh. I assume it's because the OP thinks she was game playing and didn't mean the relationship to break up, but that's just her interpretation. Perhaps the DD really doesn't want to go out with Mr. Sensible, but she has been doing so for a few years and is upset because it is over. THat does happen even when you end relationships yourself, for good reason - it has happened to me. It is possible to be sorry it ended, surprised at yourself/the other person and still not be game playing or 'bratty'. THat he is nice and kind and your families get on is not really enough, is it? She needs to love him. If she doesn't then finishing it is the right thing to do. FOr the record, I don't see why today is any worse than any other day for that.

Timetoask · 01/01/2014 18:27

OP: From what you've written, I understand that she finds him boring because he doesn't have enough money to take her out more often?

In which case, I am really sorry, but I think you have gone wrong somewhere. She has an entitled attitude. Maybe you can do something about it now?

Allofaflumble · 01/01/2014 18:28

Maybe, just maybe your daughter is very insecure. She may have been testing her boyfriend to see if he would take her very worst side, like children do, like lots of people, even grown ups do to see if people will love them as they are.

You have come on here for a rant, but I cannot believe you have been able to give your poor daughter the love and empathy she clearly needs right now.

What you have shown her is that people, even her own mother are unforgiving and shaken her foundation even more. That is my take on it. I speak as someone whose mother never gave me support in the complex arena of relationships.

nouvellevag · 01/01/2014 18:32

God, is there anyone here who never behaved badly in a relationship at that age? Or who never got their heart broken by someone who was young and thoughtless? She'll learn from it, he'll get over it. Maybe he IS boring. Maybe he's stifling, or crap in bed, or doesn't want to do enough of the same things she does. It's OK to end a relationship just because you don't want to be in it any more.

OP, I do understand why you're upset about this, but you have to understand that beyond wanting her to be treated well, your dreams don't count when it comes to your daughters' choice of partner. They don't count at all. Your daughter is not an idiot for not staying with the guy you wanted her to marry.

AmberLeaf · 01/01/2014 18:32

cardibach is it OPs interpretation? didn't her DD say she didn't expect him to accept its finished so easily?

OP is there, she knows how her DD has been behaving and what the build up has been.

Original poster

Droves · 01/01/2014 18:34

Just to clarify " all the dreams I had for them " were things like going on holiday together , doing mad crazy stuff like deciding on a whim to do something different , having loads of fun adventures together , having weekends with their mates at festivals up to their ankles in mud . Attending each others graduation parties , 30th birthdays ect .
Basically being young and enjoying it whilst they can . And perhaps eventually getting engaged ( after 15 years of fun or so ) ect .

The thought of my dd being a young parent horrifies me , I've always said 28 is a good age to think about parenthood . .. Still I'm not ashamed to hope oneday i might be a grandmother before I'm dead .

OP posts:

Newyearchanger · 01/01/2014 18:35

She doesn't need him! I think you have a point she may have used him for attention etc but that's all.

SilverApples · 01/01/2014 18:35

OP, you like this young man. Why would you want him to stay in a relationship that from your perspective is abusive?
He is also inexperienced in relationships, he might find someone who appreciates him and won't be EA.

alemci · 01/01/2014 18:36

Droves

you sound exactly like I was with dd. I remember her dumping her lovely bf and I was devastated. I got very upset again when her next bf broke up with her.

I had to distance myself as I found it so distressing and to live my own life. I totally sympathise.

RenterNomad · 01/01/2014 18:38

Okay, maybe settle down in a few weeks and talk about better ways to dump people. If she was messing around and being horrible, maybe she was trying to dump him, or get him to dump her.

Have you got a sister, SIL or other friend, from whom she might take dumping advice, without getting defensive (remember, she will provably be in denial to you about any desire to actually gwt rid of him).

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 01/01/2014 18:38

I think that's a big dream to have.

She may decide not to have children, not every female wants to be a mother.

wiltingfast · 01/01/2014 18:39

She's 19.

She's v young.

She's had one boyfriend.

She's experimenting. Trying to figure out who she is and who she wants to be and I'm guessing, whether this man actually loves her, whether she loves him, etc etc.

Perfectly normal behaviour and how else can she learn?

As for timing, it's never a good time to break up.

Op is assuming her daughter is being manipulative and doesn't really want to break up but who knows? Maybe she is just upset, it's not an easy conversation. Maybe she's very fond of him but just doesn't want to be with him?

I wouldn't like to see a daughter of mine messing a man about but op doesn't really know if that is what is going on.

I might encourage her to return the christmas gifts OP. Not right to take gifts from someone you are not intending to be involved with imo.

Chippednailvarnish · 01/01/2014 18:40

There is nothing on your list of "dreams" that either of them can't on their own.

Original poster

Droves · 01/01/2014 18:41

Dd did not expect it to end . She expected her ( ex ) boyfriend to get upset , cry , plead with her not to finish with him . That's bratty manipulation in my book .

So no I won't wrap her in cotton wool , or say there there .

I've told her this whole thing is what happens when you try and manipulate and play games with people .

Mabey next time , if she's lucky enough to meet someone else eventually , she'll have grown up enough to act properly , and treat them with respect.

OP posts:

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