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AIBU?

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Original poster

Idiot daughter has dumped lovely boyfriend

333 replies

Droves · 01/01/2014 17:18

Today of all days FFs.

I'm so annoyed at her . He's lovely , nice family , supportive to her , not a rude bloke , not a waste of space just a nice respectful young man .

She's an idiot . She just wasn't getting enough excitement " he's too boring " ( read he's ran out of money and can't afford to take her out clubbing , as he bought her 6 Xmas gifts ) .

Yesterday , even though he's skint ( student ) he took her to pub for a few hours . She came home drunk , but had no money herself .

She was being vile , playing games , wanting attention . He's just left , I asked him if he's ok , he replied he will be fine , looked really upset .

Thing is daughter is in floods of tears now . Because she didn't expect him just to accept its finished so easy WTAF ? . ( He did say to begin with he didn't want to split up ) .

How did she think it ok to be so horrible ? .
I'm ashamed of her .

I'm worried she will end up with some "exciting" dickhead ( like her father ) .

Poor boyfriend , I am so hurt for him ...he's exactly who you'd wish for a son in law . Some girl will be lucky to have him , my dd is an idiot to do this .

It's heartbreaking ... All the dreams I had for them , gone . All the future grandchildren I'd been looking forward too in the distant future ...gone . Bless him , he was saving to buy her an engagement ring for when she had finished uni . Sad

Where did I go wrong with her ? .

OP posts:
DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 01/01/2014 17:51

You need to step back. It's her decision, he might be nice but it's nothing to do with you who she spends her life with. You might be envisaging him as your SIL, and I can appreciate that you like him and she'd being stupid, but she needs to make mistakes like this to learn from them. The more you pressure her the more she'll resist.

ItsTrueLefou · 01/01/2014 17:52

It's not necessarily your fault! Some people are just twats.

Hopefully he'll find someone lovely.

ExcuseTypos · 01/01/2014 17:52

How old are they?

I was also a bit bemused when dd2 split with her boyfriend. We thought he was lovely, couldn't wish for a 'nicer' boy. Turned out he was a controlling arse who she was well shot of.

You dont know what goes on in relationships so just listen to your dd and let her get on with it.

DontmindifIdo · 01/01/2014 17:52

you were planning your future grandchildren even though she's still at uni? You know grandchildren are probably at least a decade away.

Very very few woman settle down with their first boyfriend. Why should she settle for a dull but sensible boy that her mum likes? OK, it's not a good day to dump someone, but when is that this time of year?

Look, you might have picked a dickhead, but the choice is not between dull or dickhead, there's lots and lots of lovely interesting men in this world. She's young, she's got years to find the right man. If she isn't happy with this one then he's not the right man. You should never waste your life with someone you don't want to be with just to avoid breaking his heart, when exactly over this holiday period do you think she should have dumped him so that he wouldn't be heart broken?

Don't be horrible to her, give her a hug and say you'll listen if she wants to talk, but otherwise act completely normally.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 01/01/2014 17:52

All the future grandchildren I'd been looking forward too in the distant future

And this is just OTT. She's young, she can meet anyone. You're acting like a martyr.

formerbabe · 01/01/2014 17:53

Op...get the ex boyfriend to read this thread. He will then probably be breathing a massive sigh of relief.

PumpkinPositive · 01/01/2014 17:53

How old is she?

pianodoodle · 01/01/2014 17:53

I had a proper boyfriend for a couple of years at that age he was lovely too and our dads were work friends.

We were always splitting up and getting back together over some drama or other. Family didn't seem to take it under their notice much apart from a bit of eye rolling Grin

I didn't meet my husband until I was 28.

This is no big deal!

scottishmummy · 01/01/2014 17:54

I get why you're upset,I really do.but here's then thing.she's got to make own choices and learn from them
Your dd isn't here to enact a naice mc family,spiffing husband and squad grand-weans.shes her own woman
You're now adult reflecting on your own choices,the man you chose.but be honest would you have listened or changed paths just cause your mum told you off?

Rosencrantz · 01/01/2014 17:54

Stay out of it.

No one knows what goes on in a relationship, not even you with regard to your daughters.

She was obviously unhappy and unsatisfied being in a relationship with him. Why would you want that for her?

StillSeekingSpike · 01/01/2014 17:55

So she's 19 and had been with him since she's about 16? And now she's at uni and wants to have some fun in life? Sounds like you have raised her right. Did you really think that you would be able to arrange a marriage for her with the boy of your choice? Evn in the 19th century that would be a tall order.

CraftyBuddhist · 01/01/2014 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosencrantz · 01/01/2014 17:55

Oh Christ, not even graduated from uni yet? They're basically still children.

Get a grip woman, grandchildren? You've got ten years or so. So out of touch.

Worried3 · 01/01/2014 17:56

Well, it's none of your business who she goes out with. You are free to think she's not been behaving well, and that she's been a bit daft, but it would be better to keep it to yourself. TBH you sound like you like him more than your own daughter. I feel a bit sorry for her.

This is what growing up is about- making mistakes and learning from them. Maybe she does regret her behaviour now- it's up to her to learn from it.

Sounds like you had invested far too emotionally much into their future- she hasn't even graduated and you had her married off, having kids etc?! She's got a wide world of opportunities ahead of her- what's the rush to get married and have children?

She shouldn't choose the man she's going to spend the rest of her life with based on whether you like him and his family.

BananaNotPeelingWell · 01/01/2014 17:56

She doesnt want this relationship just now. Or maybe at all. It's her life.

RenterNomad · 01/01/2014 17:56

As for the timing, if that bothers you so much, just consider that if she had done it earlier, you might now be bemoaning "a ruined Christmas and New Year"! January 1 could have been a perfect day to end it, given the New Year symbolism, si I'm not sure I understand your angst on that point...?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 01/01/2014 17:56

op this may be a lesson for her, sounds as if she has had a few romantic ideas of xmas and new year and he has not lived up to it, combine this with the excitement of it all and a few drinks (assuming she drinks of course) plus the 'power rush' of toying with a (safe bet) persons emotions looking for a bit of drama and attention and it's all backfired. ah well she will either learn from it and get back with him or realise she has done the right thing and get over it, as will he one way or another, sounds like a bit of immature game playing tbh how old is she?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2014 17:57

She's still a kid. Very much too young to be thinking about marriage FFS. Let her kiss a few frogs, find her feet, lose them again, try out a few thoughts and feelings, then maybe find a good bloke. Wanting to marry her off straight out of university? Sheesh.

FWIW I dumped my very rich, very nice, mother loved him, fantastic job, salt of the earth, very sweet, lovely to children and animals BF to date my current DH. I would have made the BF miserable and been on the gin shagging the pool boy within months had I stayed with him. Lovely bloke, bored me to tears.

DontmindifIdo · 01/01/2014 17:57

I'm upset how and why she's done this

The why is none of your business, when you are in your late teens/early twenties, with no DCs and no commitments, "I just don't want to go out with you anymore" is perfectly acceptable.

The how - unless you were listening in, you don't know what she said. I don't think there was a time over this uni holidays when dumping him wouldn't be "bad timing" and perhaps she could have been kinder to him, but if she said he jus taccepted it, it could quite easily be that he wasn't as in love and emotionally invested in spending the rest of his life with her as you thought. It could well be she was just the one brave enough to say it.

wontletmesignin · 01/01/2014 17:57

Where did you go wrong?
I think you went wrong when you sided with her lovely boyfriend, and decided to be ashamed of your dd.

She will make decisions all throughout her life. Some right, and some wrong. You as a mother should be right by her side no matter what.

AmberLeaf · 01/01/2014 17:58

Isn't the issue the OPs DDs bratty behavior and bad treatment of her BF?

If she was posting about her SON and said he'd treated his GF like that, everyone would be all over her for raising such a bastard! but she has a daughter, so its ok for her to treat her partner awfully?

OP may well be a tad over invested [looking forward to her DD marrying etc] but this young man has been part of their family for a while so is it that odd to think about the future?

Rosencrantz · 01/01/2014 17:59

Fucking hell, I'm glad my mum wasn't as backward as you.

When I broke up with my boyfriend at uni I was devastated. If I'd had my mum telling me it was the worst mistake I'd ever made, and that I'd ruined her chance of having grand kids at the ripe old age of 19, I'd have topped myself.

There are more men OP. She will meet another, have other relationships and be more happy than ever before.

Support your daughters happiness Ffs.

StillSeekingSpike · 01/01/2014 17:59

SHE IS 19!!!! I am not condoning immature gameplaying - whatever that is- but she is young and a student still and you are acting as if she's Lydia Bennet and has shamed the family and ruined her marriage prospects for ever Sad Angry

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 01/01/2014 17:59

Let her breath, no wonder she wants to go out drinking and stuff she's young, she probably doesn't want to settle down yet and I don't blame her! She has years for this, years she won't get back.

UptheChimney · 01/01/2014 18:01

YABU

Your Dd is perhaps 20 or 21? That's too awfully young to get married and have children. You sound really over-invested in her life. Your DD is not simply a vehicle for giving you grandchildren.