Idiot daughter has dumped lovely boyfriend

[Droves]

Today of all days FFs.

I'm so annoyed at her . He's lovely , nice family , supportive to her , not a rude bloke , not a waste of space just a nice respectful young man .

She's an idiot . She just wasn't getting enough excitement " he's too boring " ( read he's ran out of money and can't afford to take her out clubbing , as he bought her 6 Xmas gifts ) .

Yesterday , even though he's skint ( student ) he took her to pub for a few hours . She came home drunk , but had no money herself .

She was being vile , playing games , wanting attention . He's just left , I asked him if he's ok , he replied he will be fine , looked really upset .

Thing is daughter is in floods of tears now . Because she didn't expect him just to accept its finished so easy WTAF ? . ( He did say to begin with he didn't want to split up ) .

How did she think it ok to be so horrible ? .
I'm ashamed of her .

I'm worried she will end up with some "exciting" dickhead ( like her father ) .

Poor boyfriend , I am so hurt for him ...he's exactly who you'd wish for a son in law . Some girl will be lucky to have him , my dd is an idiot to do this .

It's heartbreaking ... All the dreams I had for them , gone . All the future grandchildren I'd been looking forward too in the distant future ...gone . Bless him , he was saving to buy her an engagement ring for when she had finished uni .

Where did I go wrong with her ? .

Just to add I have found it extremely hard to see my son be finished with and heartbroken and him finishing with a girl I really liked. In fact it has been the toughest part of parenthood for me.

You sound like a nightmare. Your poor daughter.

OP, you like this young man. Why would you want him to stay in a relationship that from your perspective is abusive?
He is also inexperienced in relationships, he might find someone who appreciates him and won't be EA.

Very good point SilverApples

if she's lucky enough to meet someone else eventually

Surely there's no "if" about it, unless your daughter lives in an area where women outnumber men 999 to 1?

You sound a bit of a fatalistic drama llama.

She's obviously young - still at uni.

You're investing far too much of your own feelings in her life and how she leads it. is there a sense that you were hoping that she wouldn't make mistakes that you made - living vicariously, hoping for perfect couple/perfect relationship/perfect grand kids?

You need to not get too emotionally attached to her boyfriends.

TBH it sounds like this relationship is better ended. If he accepted it so easily then perhaps he doesn't love her enough in any case. Not good for either of them.

Also OP there's nothing wrong with those dreams, no reason she won't have all of that with this partner or a different one or (more likely) a few.

Might be simpler to focus on whether your daughter IS happy rather than assuming you know what will make her happy.

If she was bored with him now, they were never going to last another 15y before getting married!

I'm not bored with my partner, but I'm not at all sure we'd have hooked up if we met at 19 iyswim.

You do sound very upset.

Have you considered going out with him? After all, he's single now.

Tetheresend...great point...ask him out op?!

Seriously though...this is all pretty scary.

Maybe he could be your new hobby?

I'm emotionally attached to my dd . How she conducts herself is a matter of concern . I do not want her to turn into a heartless callous person who plays games with people .

She's my oldest ( bar the step kids ) ... I've never had to deal with anything like this before . How on earth do you teach your adult kids how to act in relationships , when they're acting in ways that are so alien to you that you barely recognise them anymore ?

I always thought she was a sweet ,nice girl ...this has shocked me I never thought she'd try and manipulate someone for attention .

Of course I hope she doesn't make mistakes I've made ...we all want that for our kids .

I admit having a feeling of " safeness " from her ex towards her . He'd never cheat on her , or hit her , he was good for her . Although I do realise what you want at 19 is often the very thing you should avoid , so I'm worried .

She never really did the rebel thing , mabey this is her late version ?

Im confused, is this your dds relationship or yours? Great, you loved him etc... but obviously your dd didnt and I think thats rather more important than him being a great fit-in with the family.

Shes 19, young and should be having some fun and meeting different men and friends, plenty of time to be settling down with Mr nice but possibly boring.

She could do with a mum right now, she may have finished it but I`m sure shes still upset.

She hasn't done anything except dump someone...we have all done it. Life goes on.

Is the most you want for your daughter a man who doesn't hit her?!

Its not rebellious either....

IT IS NORMAL

You sound, er, over-invested in this. Let her make her own mistakes and choices.

(And give your spacebar a break!)

I dont see where manipulation has came.into this?

Because she wanted him to put up a fight?
As others said, it may be down to insecurities.

It could also all be down to the fact that you keep bigging him up, you might be pushing her away from him? Is that possible?

I know when my parents were telling me to stay away from my oldest kids dad, they were pushing me closer to him.
Maybe this is the opposite.

I keep my mouth shut about my opinions about dd and her ex , I'm not bigging him up to her .

Like I said I'm on here to vent , so as not to be " interfering " .

Sorry I have not read the whole thread.

I think you need to stay out of it, if it wasn't right then it wasn't right.

I remember having a lovely boyfriend, he would have done anything for me, my mum thought he was brilliant, his parents were lovely and he treated me like a princess, his niceness made me feel sick (maybe because most boys had treated me like rubbish, maybe because it just wasn't exciting), the week before I finished with him I used him (made him run around after me), I then finished with him and he cried like a baby I felt so guilty but he just wasn't my type.

I hope your dd's ex finds someone who will appreciate his kindness and I hope one day your daughter will find someone she feels is right for her, tbh it sounds like she's not ready for a full on relationship.

Yabu, it's not up to you to pick her boyfriends. You sound as if you prefer him to her tbh.

How on earth do you teach your adult kids how to act in relationships

You let them make their own decisions, and if they are mistakes they will hopefully learn from them.

Each relationship is different, so what works for you may not be what works for your DD.

The best way to help your DD now is to provide support, not to criticize, and certainly not to be telling her what she should be doing, or who she should be seeing.