Idiot daughter has dumped lovely boyfriend

[Droves]

Today of all days FFs.

I'm so annoyed at her . He's lovely , nice family , supportive to her , not a rude bloke , not a waste of space just a nice respectful young man .

She's an idiot . She just wasn't getting enough excitement " he's too boring " ( read he's ran out of money and can't afford to take her out clubbing , as he bought her 6 Xmas gifts ) .

Yesterday , even though he's skint ( student ) he took her to pub for a few hours . She came home drunk , but had no money herself .

She was being vile , playing games , wanting attention . He's just left , I asked him if he's ok , he replied he will be fine , looked really upset .

Thing is daughter is in floods of tears now . Because she didn't expect him just to accept its finished so easy WTAF ? . ( He did say to begin with he didn't want to split up ) .

How did she think it ok to be so horrible ? .
I'm ashamed of her .

I'm worried she will end up with some "exciting" dickhead ( like her father ) .

Poor boyfriend , I am so hurt for him ...he's exactly who you'd wish for a son in law . Some girl will be lucky to have him , my dd is an idiot to do this .

It's heartbreaking ... All the dreams I had for them , gone . All the future grandchildren I'd been looking forward too in the distant future ...gone . Bless him , he was saving to buy her an engagement ring for when she had finished uni .

Where did I go wrong with her ? .

Her behaviour is still your concern to an extent, but right now she's feeling the natural consequences of behaving badly. So there's no need to rub it in further or to minimise what she did, and certainly not to grieve for the loss of a future son in law.

And I'm afraid some people never grow out of being drama queens...

RenterNomad
"Hope she gets over being dumped!"

Unless the thread changed half way through. The DD didn't get dumped, she did the dumping. (albeit in a manipulative attempt to get the BF to claim undying love for her) and is reaping what she has sown.

Droves

Sounds like the lad has had a near miss and is better off for it. I hope that your DD learns from her actions.

She didn't mean to dump him , she was wanting a reaction

Then he is better off out of her life, because the more he reacts in future, the bigger her games will be & the more he will have to lose.

I am also going to dare to say that this is probably not the first set of mind games that she has played on him.

So you call your daughter vile, and idiot, say she isn't your child anymore, call her a brat & you liken that to someone complaining about their toddler having a tantrum? OK then!

It is irrelevent whether your daughter behaved like a 'brat' or not. It is entirely up to her to behave as she wishes, and it is none of your business.

Wow!

You need to step back OP, you are seriously way too involved in your daughter's life. I would hate to talk about my daughter in those terms.

And she has done nothing wrong - except ditch a boring boyfriend. Even if she's handled it badly - she's 19. Drama queen she may be - at least she seems to have a modicum of personality.

Maybe she just wants to escape the village where it seems the only potential boyfriends are either drug dealers or people related to your husband and who you have known for generations. Where on earth do you live? It sounds like some kind of weird hybrid between a Jane Austen novel and Royston Vasey

Well, if he's not coming back, even though she didn't intend to split up with him, she has been dumped!

So even though he was dumped first, she is still being dumped?
Sorry but that makes no sense.

The whole thing sounds uttetly stifling.. If i was you DD, i woukd be hightailing it out of the village as fast as my legs could take me!

Op, maybe the boyfriend was boring as fuck

It's a truth universally acknowledged..............

...........if your mum thinks he's perfect, then you won't want to know.

It takes maturity to recognise the keepers. And you have to work it out for yourself.

I've found this thread really really interesting.

I'm ashamed to say that your daughter sounds a lot like me. I'm 25, so not masses older than her (although I have two children)

I have a habit of 'ending' things with my fiance out of anger, when he comes in late & I've been upset and worried or anything along those lines. I know deep down he loves me and won't really go. It's not so much a control thing than an insecurity thing, needing to be told I am wanted. It's very immature and I know how ridiculous it sounds as I am writing this. If her dad isn't involved much with her could this possibly where this stems from? wanting to reassure herself that he won't walk away from her? Or could it literally have been because she wanted to go clubbing, he didn't want to, he ruined her plans and she was frustrated and spoke before thinking?

Either way, let her deal with it herself. She may have done it for reasons unknown to you, if she was feeling insecure or angry for another reason other than just wanting to go clubbing and wanted to hurt him. Encourage her to talk to him and sort things out if it is what she wants. If not then leave it and be there for her as a mum to give her hugs and take her mind off things.

It WILL be sad if he has been part of the family (if they don't end up getting back together) but it's one of those times when you have to suck up your own feelings on the matter and help her through it at the same time as making sure she is fully aware that she has made a mistake

I had the perfect boyfriend when I was 18 - totally devoted, treated me like a queen etc. I felt totally smothered and a bit controlled.

My parents were gutted when I ended things in an appalling way; I have no excuses for it - I had tried to do it nicely and he wouldn't accept it. He was my first proper boyfriend.

I still feel hurt by their lack of support at the time. I was their daughter yet they supported him. I may have finished things but I was still upset and needed them. He poured out all his grief with everyone taking his side. All mutual friends felt sorry for him when all I really did was end things but in a brutal way - I can only say I was trying to be honest with him as I did care for him.

Years later they (should) have a better idea of how he is like by his subsequent actions but they still have this view of him as the one that got away. I wanted excitement; I wanted support from him not him telling me what i should be doing and being negative about my aspirations. Killing my dreams - bit overdramatic but that is how it felt - like he was a parent not a boyfriend. It felt stifling and boring.

One particular thing he did was want my entire attention so it was all romantic meals etc - I liked to dance with friends so he'd tag along and 'guard' me from any attention as if I was incapable of dealing with it. It felt like he didn't want to actually spend every second with me as much as stop me from interacting with anyone else.

It was also him insisting on spending all his money on me - spoiling me with unwanted gifts, flowrs etc. It looks fine from outside but you feel really obligated.

Poor you OP. YOu posted about a subject that unwittingly disturbed the beast never far from the surface on these boards (and generally) re our children are our gods and you must never, never diss them or their choices. In fact, if you do, you are an abusive, self-absorbed, narcissistic blah blah mother and it's no wonder your daughter is so confused with a mother like you.

Most of the people who post the above do not have children your daughter's age. They honestly think, poor things, they're going to get it right with their kids and nothing like this is going to happen because their parenting is so perfect their children will be well-balanced, lovely individuals. More importantly, today's parents are the best parents since time began.

When there you were, disappointed and exasperated that your daughter has been dickish about this (call her a dick if you like, just because she's your daughter doesn't mean she can't be dickish. But be prepared that your parenting will be wholly blamed - though not by me - for any dickishness that may surface). I appreciate your disappointment as I have experienced it myself with my children and their capricious behaviour sometimes.

I was so upset about my dd very similar to OP. alot of my hurt stemmed from my own teenage years and about how my dad was with me.

I had a really awful boyfriend I had forgotten about and suddenly I was reliving it. when she turned 15, it was like something switched on and ugly irrational emotions surfaced

it's like you project your own angst onto them.

I have to disagree springy. Particularly as I actually have raised children through this age and stage, and feel fairly qualified to say that the majority indulge in some unacceptable behaviours in their late teens. It is almost a rite of passage. Treating a boyfriend badly barely registers on the scale of potential dramas!
My advice remains the same..........offer a few useful pointers, and then let them learn their own lessons.

Btw op i dont think you have gone wrong anywhere op! Honestly op i had great upbringing i think i was just bit immature maybe like your dd. maybe this will have shocked her.
Think lot of people on here haven't really read your post properly or read what they want too!
I would not be happy with the behaviour but i would still support my dd because thats what mums are for!
Think maybe your daughter maybe a bit insecure?i was and still am. Just hope she has learnt.

Mabey dd is a little insecure , I was at her age . I think most teenagers / new adults are at some point .

Its hard because shes the oldest and ive never seen how to handle anything like this .

I sort of bypassed this stage ...I married her dad very very young and had her by 19 . Think I was born middle aged .

Her ex isnt related to my husband . He is the younger halfbrother of dh old school friend .

Someone posted about the village , you might be on to something there .... now shes living mostly in a city , shes probably finding our home area and everyone here dull .

Anyway , theres been no sign of ex , or txting between them since this morning.
She did ask me what she should do . I told her firstly she needs to concentrate on uni ...everything else should be secondary to that .And not to worry , if things are ment to be they will be . But she shouldnt be moping , shes bright beautiful and has the world out there when shes done uni .
Shes feeling sorry for herself . Is supposed to be going out with her mates later , so hopefully theyll cheer her up .

You describe your own daughter on the internet as an idiot and go on to portray her in an extremely unattractive light, then you ask where you went "wrong" with her? She's obviously a teenager, and will (and should) have a few different relationship experiences before ending up with "the one". Just because you liked this guy and he was saving for an engagement ring doesn't mean he was destined for your daughter. Shouldn't you be supporting HER during a break-up instead of bashing her for dumping your idea of Prince Charming? I know it's hard to watch your children make "mistakes" - but just because you ended up with a prick doesn't mean she will. Stand by your daughter and support her through a difficult time. Don't be a bitch.

One way for your daughter not to repeat your story is for her NOT to succumb to your fantasy of "settling" for this boyfriend (her first serious one?) and getting out there, meeting a lot of different people, broadening her horizons. You fantasised about her with this BF, travelling etc. And then settling down & having all your GCs when she's 28.

Well, she can travel on her own, or with friends. She can live with friends or on her own. She really does not have to live YOUR fantasy.

You should back off & give her some space. Believe me, I've been there -- there is very little that is worse for a daughter than a mother who won't see her daughter as a separate person.

Sounds like either she's insecure or she does think she can manipulate to get what she wants. Either way they are better off without each other, especially being so young. Hopefully, she'll learn that people won't put up with games and he'll be resolute in not accepting game players.

You are right to tell her to focus on uni, for whatever reason she wasn't getting the best out of this relationship if she had to 'test the waters' so it's likely she needs some her time.

I don't think there's anything wrong with venting here OP, you sound very frustrated and just have to let them get on with it. I know someone whose family are horrific shits because she broke up with her LT bf. They constantly make her feel bad when she just fell out of love with him. They think it's all on her but they have no idea how badly she tried before that point to bring back the spark- nice as they think he was, he wasn't interested in saving the relationship but played the victim when she ended it.

Also agreeing with UptheChimney, hopefully both will learn not to settle as well.

my mum wasn't remotely interested in my bfs and my interaction with them or so she says. do u think we are more involved with our dds and trying to be their friends.

I envy mums who say my dd tells me everything etc. mine don't