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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP's attitude towards dd

308 replies

lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:15

Background info:
I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).
So, we live together as a family with my dd (now 8) from a previous relationship.
Dd's biological father has had no contact with her for years - his choice although he pays CSA. So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well, except for dP being quite strict with her. There has been a massive bust up today, because we went for a day out and joined dp at the football (he wanted us to come) and to check on one of his houses where there is work being done. I know this isn't dd's idea of a fun family day out, but I wanted us to spend time together before baby comes. As it happens it was quite fun at the football, plan was to go to dd's favourite restaurant on the way home. DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time. Dd got v upset and cried saying she'd been looking forward to it all day. DP accuses her of emotional blackmail, turning on the tears when she doesn't get what she wants. Then proceeds to go on and on, saying things like I've pandered to her for 8 years, she's MY daughter and we can just do what we want from now on and he'll do his own thing.... All this in front of dd. Sad now he's in a major sulk and won't talk to me or dd.
Is He BU? Or am I for not

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 30/12/2013 00:13

These are all very old-fashioned, pearl- twirling and judgy assumptions

That's as maybe. But it's not turning out too well for the OP right now, is it. I make no excuses for "judging" people who treat 8yo children like they are inconveniences.

Lioninthesun · 30/12/2013 00:16

I do think you should have done a bit more for your DD here - you know her (as should he tbh) and when she started to be upset re the restaurant you should have just changed tack. As others have said she is your priority.
However, now it is all out you can at least see what he is capable of. I hope you have given him a stern down to earth verbal smack around the head for sulking and acting like a toddler himself. I do think it is hard for men who haven't struggled through the early years to appreciate how little children understand emotionally (of their own emotions, I mean) but he acted appallingly and should be told exactly where he went wrong if you want any happier relationship with his child. You must nip this in the bud if you hope anything else lasting will continue. I'd say one more strike and he's out.
And pander to your DD lots, explaining he was firmly in the wrong here.

PeriodFeatures · 30/12/2013 00:19

This is your daughters childhood, she only gets one. Protect it

re is a very unhappy child unfortunate enough to have an emotionally incontinent parent who's well on the way to stealing her childhood and giving her a very bad start in life.

This ^^

Classic DV red flags. Why oh why don't they teach this shit in schools? OP, get help to leave. It will get worse. You need to give both your children a safe home. Is there anywhere you can go?

Lioninthesun · 30/12/2013 01:00

Didn't see second page.
In all of this OP you are sounding very run down and weak.
I bet you weren't when you were an SP?
I bet you went out of your way to do things for DD and have the best you could with her?
I would ask if you feel this has changed since you met 'D'P as I can see - like others on this thread - how easy it is to slip into the happy families thing, without thinking how happy you actually were before.

I've recently met someone and have had a small red flag moment. He was told on the spot and in no uncertain terms that any more of that behaviour and he will be out. I have already got a child and will be buggered if I will take on another! Some men see single mothers as mother figures (you might think this stands to reason, but really just means they can skip the whole romance/cherishing you bit because you know how to look after people/them) and it sounds as though this is what he has done.

You haven't said what he does actually contribute to all of this other than his stinking attitude and what got you two together so fast?

Please do post again. My ex was emotionally abusive and I am hyper sensitive to this behaviour (as my new partner discovered) and although some posters on here sound alarmist, they really do know their stuff. My ex was outed on here after I posted about our relationship and defended him to some extent. It can be refreshing to hear what your inner voice is telling you actually vocalised after so long keeping them under wraps 'walking on eggshells' as you put it. Change your name and re post if needed in Relationships. I think it is fairly clear you will need some support in this situation. Good luck.

Coumarin · 30/12/2013 03:59

Please please don't let your little girl be bullied by this man. Protect her.
Abuse isn't always physical. Years of yelling at her, telling her she's not good enough, she's this, she's that, will chip away at her and do so much damage. If you keep making excuses and pretending everything's ok, the years will go by and suddenly your funny, happy little girl will be a sad, anxious adult. Put a stop to this now.

Sorry, I wish it was different.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 30/12/2013 07:15

superstarheartbreaker She didn't get pregnant a year in - she is a year in now. She got pg 3 months in. To put that into perspective you are advised to take frolic acid for 3 months before ttcing. To do that their first date would have involved. Trip to tescos to buy it!

Anyway - too late now so no point discussing it.

Op - whilst your partner is being all contrite can you get your finances set up so that you can kick him out and still afford the rent if necessary? I have a nasty feeling things will get worse once the baby is born.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 30/12/2013 08:56

Sadly, I fear the OP has left the thread at her 'D'P's suggestion and won't be back Sad.

Lilacroses · 30/12/2013 09:02

Good luck op. I hope you still feel able to ask for support in the future.

Lilacroses · 30/12/2013 09:03

Good luck op. I hope you still feel able to ask for support in the future.

Lilacroses · 30/12/2013 09:03

Good luck op. I hope you still feel able to ask for support in the future.

Lilacroses · 30/12/2013 09:04

Apologies for multiple posts?!

candycoatedwaterdrops · 30/12/2013 09:41

Oh the irony of certain MNers labelling this man as abusive and then going on to abuse the OP herself!

love You've had a rough ride on here. I think you know, deep down, that this relationship was over before it began. I think you knew that before the first person posted a reply. I appreciate that at 38 weeks pregnant, an 8 year old and financial worries, the thought of this relationship ending must be scary to you. I'm not going to berate you because I reckon you feel crap enough. Flowers I don't think you're blind to your DD's pain, so please hear it and see it....and get out. Name change and come back, we will be here for you, I promise.

ExcuseTypos · 30/12/2013 10:03

Lovely post candy I agree it's a shame so many people on here feel the need to be so nasty, there's really no need for it.

love I'm sure you know what you need to do. That is to put your DD first from now on. She's depending on you to protect her.

cantheyseeme · 30/12/2013 10:09

This reply has been deleted

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cantheyseeme · 30/12/2013 10:15

*as youve said yourself its not an isolated incident.
You should be ashamed. And as for showing him this thread PMSL. Do you think he wont be checking on you now? Well done.

fryingpantoface · 30/12/2013 10:15

Cantheysee

too much. I've reported you. If you have nothing useful to add then stfu.

cantheyseeme · 30/12/2013 10:21

I dont care how "nasty" i sound, as i know exactly how it is to be that 8 year old. OP will be the same woman whinging a few years down the line that ex-p treated her and the dcs SO bad, yet she allowed it to happen even after seeing the red flags and still chose to keep him in the home.

cantheyseeme · 30/12/2013 10:22

Brilliant.

flipchart · 30/12/2013 10:24

Nothing wrong with cantheysee's post.

Not sure why it's been reported!

cantheyseeme · 30/12/2013 10:26

Because people like to be niave and think all will be fine and dandy, nothing said on this thread will change that poor childs life.

LiberalLibertine · 30/12/2013 10:33

This reply has been deleted

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mrsjay · 30/12/2013 10:33

I am unsure why canttheysee post was reported there was harsh words but true words, this is about a little girls welfare and well being the OP is a grown up making her own choices that little girl has no choice

cantheyseeme · 30/12/2013 10:35

Maybe i should namechange because liberal thinks im a twat. Hmm

ApocalypseThen · 30/12/2013 10:39

I think the harsher words are needed here. The OP is derelict in her duty of care to her child for her own convenience. Coddling and soothing is useless - something has to jolt her out of it, and strong words are the only tools available.

ExcuseTypos · 30/12/2013 10:44

I've reported too.

Bloody outrageous to call someone names who has come on here for help, has listened to people and said she is going to do something about her situation. Plain nasty.