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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DP's attitude towards dd

308 replies

lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:15

Background info:
I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).
So, we live together as a family with my dd (now 8) from a previous relationship.
Dd's biological father has had no contact with her for years - his choice although he pays CSA. So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well, except for dP being quite strict with her. There has been a massive bust up today, because we went for a day out and joined dp at the football (he wanted us to come) and to check on one of his houses where there is work being done. I know this isn't dd's idea of a fun family day out, but I wanted us to spend time together before baby comes. As it happens it was quite fun at the football, plan was to go to dd's favourite restaurant on the way home. DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time. Dd got v upset and cried saying she'd been looking forward to it all day. DP accuses her of emotional blackmail, turning on the tears when she doesn't get what she wants. Then proceeds to go on and on, saying things like I've pandered to her for 8 years, she's MY daughter and we can just do what we want from now on and he'll do his own thing.... All this in front of dd. Sad now he's in a major sulk and won't talk to me or dd.
Is He BU? Or am I for not

OP posts:
LadyJx · 29/12/2013 23:02

She said it's his last chance. I personally will take her on face value at this. Next time (if there is one) he is out the door or at least I hope so.

paddyclampo · 29/12/2013 23:03

I agree with Piglet - the damage is done in the sense that she's already heavily pregnant with his child, can't turn back the clock etc. Sounds to me like the OP is getting emotionally abused too.

She needs to leave the bastard. OP do you have any family / friends you could stay with?

fryingpantoface · 29/12/2013 23:03

FFS

can people stop with the nasty personal comments!! This isn't helpful. She knows!

you know, threads like this proper fuck me off. Fine, say your tuppence worth, but don't be so Fucking mean. Dont people understand that if her dp does try and turn this thread against her (not saying he will) then people are making it easy for him!

it's actually disgusting how much she's being ganged up on. That's speaking as a victim of childhood sexual abuse, and domestic violence. Just wanted to get that in before all the "what would you know" type comments.

pigletmania · 29/12/2013 23:05

Exactly, sounds like op is being emotionally abused. She should hide this thread, keep all finances separate, and rent or stay wiwith friends or relatives, and put these children first.

pigletmania · 29/12/2013 23:07

Do this before baby comes, as it's going to be more difficult. No more chances. I totally agree with frying, some on here are downright mean and nasty, not empowering op one little bit which is what us needed to help pher and her dd

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 23:07

MadAsFish

I am in no way supporting domestic violence. Again get a grip. I have been in a domestic violence situation and whilst her DP is an incredible prick I don't think it is DV (yet) it may still get there.

Also I don't deem getting your head checked as derogatory to the mentally ill. It means have a look at what is going on in your own head not a generalization of people with a mental illness. Says more about your way of thinking than it does mine.

Original poster
lovelilies · 29/12/2013 23:09

I just want to say thank you for all the support ( and even the flaming to some extent)
I'm bowing out (of my own thread, yes, I know) but will check back to see what else has been written. I am now going to do some soul-searching and decide wtf I'm going to do.
Once again, thanks, for opening my eyes and making me pull my head out of my arse.

OP posts:
paddyclampo · 29/12/2013 23:10

Good luck OP

MatryoshkaDoll · 29/12/2013 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 23:10

Good luck lovelilies hope everything works out for you, DD and DC x

Mabelface · 29/12/2013 23:11

Love, good on you. Best wishes to you, and remember what is best for you and your children.

pigletmania · 29/12/2013 23:12

Good luck op, any decisions should be made with your kids at the centre. I have witnessed on one thread mumsnet at its best, in here there is the worse bullying ganging up behaviour ever. Knock a person when they are down!

Peekingduck · 29/12/2013 23:12

Well, I feel for Op because I know how easy it is for a woman who wants love and support to slip into a situation like this. I'll just say this to Op - keep your independance , because unless things change a lot you'll be wanting to split from this man in a few year's time. If he makes your daughter unhappy growing up she'll be gone as soon as she can, and it's likely she won't be keen on visiting because she will be so pleased to get away from him.

If Op's DP is still reading - I am sure my dad's behaviour came partly from his upbringing, and partly from some cruel and controlling streak in his personality. He certainly knew what effect he was having and you could see him enjoying it. Just think on - to this day I hate him.

pigletmania · 29/12/2013 23:14

Martry nor us ganging up on her, there is a difference between constructive critics mandate being mean and nasty

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 23:14

All the best, OP

On your next visit, choose another name and don't share the thread with him. Please ? I shall say no more here as I really don't want any more of my comments being used by a bloke like him, as I feel he has been armed enough already by what he has seen.

pigletmania · 29/12/2013 23:14

And being

MatryoshkaDoll · 29/12/2013 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay · 29/12/2013 23:18

I know people were a bit harsh on the OP but I honestly think it came from a good place people want her to take a look at what is going on here and there thereing and not offering practical support does not do any good ime , women need to be armed to be stronger sometimes, she is not hurting her child or purpose she needs to see this needs to stop and she CAN put a stop to it,

GoodNewsGrinch · 29/12/2013 23:18

My heart has sunk further and further reading this thread. The op's posts are littered with red flags.

I have kind of been in your position op. I was a single parent, my child's father had walked out on him and didn't want anything to do with him. I felt enormous pressure to find a 'replacement' father and family. Although I waited six years before having another child with the man I eventually went on to marry.

I bet 'D'P made all the promises under the sun, presented the chance for you to finally have a 'proper' family and it sounds like you jumped at that before really finding out if there was any substance to these promises.

Although you may feel like you're in too deep, you are never too deep to make the right choices for yourself and both your DC. I really hope your DP means it but I'm afraid I'm not convinced. It's all too easy to make the same promises he's already made before. And I doubt reading this thread will have opened his eyes either. Abusive bullies have flawed thinking, only therapy can even begin to address that, not a thread on MN.

I really hope you mean that this is his last chance. Remember you have choices and MN is always here for as much support as you want, as and when you need it.

Wishing you the best of luck with everything Flowers.

GoodNewsGrinch · 29/12/2013 23:21

Well, I feel for Op because I know how easy it is for a woman who wants love and support to slip into a situation like this. I'll just say this to Op - keep your independance , because unless things change a lot you'll be wanting to split from this man in a few year's time.

Completely agree with this from peeking.

garlicbaubles · 29/12/2013 23:27

Well done, lilies. I'm sorry your thread ran away with itself - and glad you kept on listening. I really, really feel for DD. An apology and a treat won't be enough to fix things (they should be givens anyway!) and, if you decide to give it one more 'one more' chance, her recommendation of therapy is probably wise. I'm not sure you should, though. You have some tough stuff ahead.

Good luck. Remember you can come back here with a different registration ...

BlackDaisies · 29/12/2013 23:31

This makes me feel sad lovelilies, because my ex was probably a bit like yours. In your situation I may have shown him this thread too. He would have been lovely and I would have let things go. Only it happens again and again until you stop even knowing what's normal behaviour or not. And worse than that, you start believing that it's probably your fault/ your behaviour contributes to his "stress". Now I look back, and it shocks me the sort of behaviour I ignored. Leaving really does seem impossible when you're in the middle of it. But it isn't. It's really stressful, but it's possible and it's so worth it for the self esteem you get back, and of course in your case you have your dd to think about. As someone who has been there I guess you're not really ready to leave. So stay for now, but remember you've said "last chance". Make sure you really mean it, and tell yourself you will leave for any behaviour you know in your heart to be unacceptable.

waltermittymissus · 29/12/2013 23:43

I shall say no more here as I really don't want any more of my comments being used by a bloke like him, as I feel he has been armed enough already by what he has seen.

Well said, as ever. I'm out.

I sincerely wish you and your dd all the very best, OP. I hope you do right by her.

superstarheartbreaker · 30/12/2013 00:06

I don't think that knowing someone for a year makes them a stranger nor do I think that getting pregnant a year in is too soon. These are all very old-fashioned, pearl- twirling and judgy assumptions.
I do think that your man is a complete dick though op. I hope that you get some support with this.

waltermittymissus · 30/12/2013 00:09

These are all very old-fashioned, pearl- twirling and judgy assumptions

No, they aren't when there's a child's safety in question. It's not ok to move a stranger in with a 7 year old child after a few months.