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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP's attitude towards dd

308 replies

lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:15

Background info:
I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).
So, we live together as a family with my dd (now 8) from a previous relationship.
Dd's biological father has had no contact with her for years - his choice although he pays CSA. So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well, except for dP being quite strict with her. There has been a massive bust up today, because we went for a day out and joined dp at the football (he wanted us to come) and to check on one of his houses where there is work being done. I know this isn't dd's idea of a fun family day out, but I wanted us to spend time together before baby comes. As it happens it was quite fun at the football, plan was to go to dd's favourite restaurant on the way home. DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time. Dd got v upset and cried saying she'd been looking forward to it all day. DP accuses her of emotional blackmail, turning on the tears when she doesn't get what she wants. Then proceeds to go on and on, saying things like I've pandered to her for 8 years, she's MY daughter and we can just do what we want from now on and he'll do his own thing.... All this in front of dd. Sad now he's in a major sulk and won't talk to me or dd.
Is He BU? Or am I for not

OP posts:
HaroldTheGoat · 30/12/2013 12:25

Yes I do agree. I'm just thinking the bloke has access to this thread and he's going to be loving all this.

cantheyseeme · 30/12/2013 12:31

Because she willingly showed him....Hmm

waltermittymissus · 30/12/2013 12:35

L

waltermittymissus · 30/12/2013 12:51

Look calling her names and an abuser will play into this man's hands.

But for the people shouting shit stirrer etc please remember that there's an 8 year old child in a situation she didn't create but who is suffering for it.

Can you honestly tell me that telling the OP she's doing a great job is going to help that little girl?

She needed to be told this is not ok. She was told. He's sorry. She's giving him "one more chance". FFS. It's not shit stirring to tell her that she's doing wrong by her dd taking that decision.

And the safety and wellbeing of a child takes precedence over the delicate sensibilities of a grown woman, pregnant or not.

pigletmania · 30/12/2013 13:09

This reply has been deleted

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HaroldTheGoat · 30/12/2013 13:11

I don't agree with calling her names, she is making decisions that don't seem to good. She needed a jolt.

Pushing OP to move so fast at the start, this could also be a worrying sign with regards this man, I don't judge her getting PG these things happen, but PLANNING one is a little different. selling the house etc, these are not good decisions. It HAS to be said. She needed people to be fairly straight, but no that shouldn't involve calling her a bitch and abuser.

Littlegreyauditor · 30/12/2013 13:12

Can I just ask; who suggested selling your house OP? You say your partner has houses which I assume he rents out, so whose idea was it to sell your one major asset in order to buy a joint house?
Why would a property developer/ landlord not immediately think "rent it out" or live in it yourselves. Why sell a house at the very bottom of the property market in order to throw money away on an expensive rental? It seems to lack a certain business savvy to me anyway...unless the purpose of the sale was to leave you boxed into a corner with no way out.

It seems an odd thing to do OP. Sell your security away whilst he keeps all his "houses" and leave you without your material asset and in a position where you will struggle to get another mortgage.

Maybe there is a solid and sensible reason. Maybe it was all your idea, but if it wasn't will you please have a long hard think about it, and the position it has put you in, and why it was suggested to you?

Good luck OP. I hope you realise that you are your daughter's only friend in this. Please don't dump on her on the promise of what sounds like an overgrown toddler. You are all she has.

ParenthoodJourney · 30/12/2013 13:27

Out of everything said by OP your DD knowing about therapy would be the biggest red flag to me. This makes me wonder how DD knows about therapy and why she would mention it. Does this not make you think that she may be very unhappy and this isn't a one off that can be forgiven and forgotten. It sounds to me as if DD has done her own searching for advice? Does she have internet access or maybe she has spoken to someone for support and has come across family therapy. DD mentioning this is crucial, this is a cry for help.

Step parents is a vey difficult subject and situation for everyone involved and has to be dealt with very carefully and parenting has to be discussed before you live together. Ive had my fair share of step parents and being the 'unwanted other child'. I wouldn't normally see this as an 'escape now' situation as it could be resolved and a one off mistake that could be forgiven with love and discussion and it never happening again but the fact that you have said she has mentioned therapy and have also said you do protect DP over DD is an escape now situation. You need to leave now because the ideal family you are trying to create is not working and DD is left feeling alone and unloved. I'm sure she would feel a lot happier and more secure if you got up and left to show her that her needs are priority and no one comes before your DCs. Wish you and your DS the best and hope the birth goes well

womblesofwestminster · 30/12/2013 13:30

I don't think that knowing someone for a year makes them a stranger nor do I think that getting pregnant a year in is too soon. These are all very old-fashioned, pearl- twirling and judgy assumptions.

She got pregnant 3 months in.

flipchart · 30/12/2013 13:45

womble I think you are right. Knowing someone a year doesn't make some one a stranger. The OP has found that out to her cost. Unfortunately she was pregnant within 3 months of knowing him.

waltermittymissus · 30/12/2013 13:48

And don't forget, OP has said this is NOT a once off. This is NOT the first time he's been 'strict' and 'unfair' to her dd.

MNHQ
DecorKateTheXmasTreeMumsnet · 30/12/2013 13:50

Thank you to everyone who brought this thread to our attention.

We'd like to remind you of our talk guidelines.We're going to go through this thread and remove posts that break them.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 30/12/2013 13:52

Hmm, actually ai think it might get worse when the baby arrives. I suspect he will favour -his baby over your daughter and be harsher on her.

womblesofwestminster · 30/12/2013 14:17

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pigletmania · 30/12/2013 14:24

There is no need for name calling, I reported that post as it was unacceptable

cantheyseeme · 30/12/2013 14:38

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pigletmania · 30/12/2013 14:41

I agree with that cantthey, I hope her quietness means she is taking things seriously and thinking long and hard about her situation. If she does give that idiot another chance, it needs to be only one, he's out the door!

waltermittymissus · 30/12/2013 15:11

This isn't the first time, though. And he hasn't been shown the door. I'm less confident that this will be any different.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 30/12/2013 15:14

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JustMe25 · 30/12/2013 16:11

Some of the posts on this thread a vile. I wouldn't blame OP if she never came back to MN

pigletmania · 30/12/2013 16:19

I agree just, unhelpful and nasty

ExcuseTypos · 30/12/2013 16:39

womble why have you reposted a post that's been deleted for breaking talk guidelines?

cantheyseeme · 30/12/2013 16:45

She reposted before the delete.

perlona · 30/12/2013 16:53

The longer you stay with him, the more damage that will be done to your daughter and the harder it will be to leave him. I understand that you feel stuck with him now, you've sold your home losing that security and independence and are heavily pregnant. It'll only get worse, as weak as you feel right now, fastforward a few months to where you're exhausted with a young baby while having to walk on eggshells around him and fear his reaction when the baby wakes up for the fifth time during the night or won't stop screaming....

You're in the best position to leave now rather than later, if it's in any way possible, do.

LightsPlease · 30/12/2013 16:59

My mother moved a guy she barely knew in who went on to emotionally and physically abuse her children.

It starts with little things like if the child eats to much they are greedy, if the mum buys them something they are spoilt , the mum is not disciplining them well enough so he takes over etc etc. It moves on to emotional abuse and physical in some cases. Even sexual.

So you have a parent who is scared to be alone and puts the man's happiness in front of her childs.

The best line i heard was 'you kids will grow up and have lives of your own and im not going to be alone..'.

The man eventually left her for another woman but she has to live with her choices to this day.

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